Unofficial Portkey Archive

Hey everyone. Here's the next chapter. There should be one more after this if everything goes as plan. I hope you guys like this one! The beginning is a little repetitive, I know, but I just wanted to show you guys exactly how Hermione felt about everything. It picks up right where her point of view left off last chapter.

Well, enjoy! As always, I own nothing.

CHAPTER NINE: ALL OR NOTHING

Let's take a chance go far away today
And never look back again
Since I said I loved you in Las Vegas
It's never been the same since then

You've got all that I need
Looking at all or nothing
Babe it's you and I

"All Or Nothing" THEORY OF A DEADMAN

Does he really want to go through all of this again? Fury, heartache, and regret bubble somewhere inside my stomach as angry tears burn at the corners of my eyes. I try to push them back and retort stubbornly, "Well, I don't know what you want me to say, Harry." His name feels like forbidden poison on my tongue. "I tried to help you," I continue, feeling spite weave into my already-cross words. "Obviously I succeeded. So why are you here? Go home." It is difficult to hide the sob my next words involuntarily evoke. "Go home to your baby."

Shame engulfs me. I need to be strong. I need to show him that I'm happy for him-because I am. I will be. Or I'll try to be. I have to be.

His next words take me by surprise. "What in the hell are you talking about?"

I want to scream at him for making me relive all this pain. Wasn't I suffering enough? Irritation begins to take the place of the pain. I throw my hands in the air, exasperated. "Ginny." I spit the word with more spite than I intend.

A dumbfounded expression still takes over Harry's features. His dark eyebrows knit in confusion. "What?"

A small wisp of uncertainty taints my words, "I saw her while doing my Christmas shopping. She told me you moved on." My voice is snide, but I can't control it. "That she was pregnant." I realize she never really said those exact words, so I quickly clarify, "Well, she implied it. I thought Jake was the child, but apparently that is your dog." I rush to say all this before I begin to cry. I close my eyes for a second and take a deep breath. My words are soft, slightly pleading, "Either way, you're happy. Don't screw this up over me."

Shock crosses his face, and for a second, hesitation grips me-but that quickly turns to something else entirely-despair. Everything was out in the open. No turning back. No pretending the white elephant isn't sitting in the corner of the room.

I knew.

He knew I knew.

He knew what I was capable of-putting his whole future in jeopardy. And that I was selfish enough to do so.

Harry shakes his head. I brace myself for the worst-that he had in fact moved on, and he would have a family soon. Or perhaps the best-that he would leave all that behind for me-which was worse. Did I have the strength to tell him no?

His voice is suddenly serious panicked. "I've never been with her. She must have been…I dunno why she would tell you that. I haven't been with anyone else. I've been waiting for you." His voice nearly breaks in the end, filled with emotion.

More emotion than I can stomach. A sudden dizziness takes over my head.

What?

No Ginny?

No unborn child?

Several emotions spin in my head instantaneously, and I don't know which one to feel: pain for his pinning over me and not moving on; remorse for leaving him in such a state in the first place; heartache for my hooks being in him so deep; fury at Ginny for lying to me and making me see just how ugly of a person I could be-I am; guilt-laden relief for him not having the simple desire to find someone more suitable for him.

Feeling more relief than I care to admit, as well as shock, I try to reply nonchalantly, "Oh. She was vague…I just assumed…" My mind rewinds back to that dreadful day as I try to remember her exact words. I've replayed the scene in my mind several times over the last few weeks. No, she hadn't in fact said a word about them being together. However, her actions spoke otherwise. My face is red, and I'm not sure why. Anger? Embarrassment? Was I outsmarted by simple Ginny Weasley-a girl with no impressive academic background? A clever girl that had been biding her time, sowing seeds of doubt in my head about the man I was in love with? A very good friend of mine who nudged me along to the conclusion that I had taken advantage of my best friend?

Should I be angry, or thank her for helping me see the error in my ways-even if it was to her own twisted end? Despite knowing I should be grateful, I'm furious. That foul little brat. My fingers flex towards my wand again. I could get her with her own specialty hex-show her just how feeble her skills really are.

"That doesn't matter. You still left me. You broke my heart." Harry brings me back to the present. He is still fuming.

I tuck my desire for revenge to reason with him, to defend my argument. Ginny or no Ginny, I still had a defense. "I'm sorry. I was giving you a chance to move on. I've been just as manipulative as that wretched redhead." I can't help but sling mud. "I took advantage of you, Harry. Of your loyalty. You've been obligated to me for too many years." The cold hard truth of my words causes tears to slide down my cheeks. I hiccup quietly, willing my feet to stay planted to the ground when I really want to run out in sheer shame.

With a look of slight annoyance, Harry scoffs. "Hermione…stop being ridiculous. I love you. I've always loved you. I have never in my life ever felt obligated to you-except with S.P.E.W.-but even then, I supported you." I hiccup a small laugh despite myself.

I close my eyes and shake my head. I don't want to hear this. I do-but I can't. No. This is typical Harry. His large hands suddenly grab my arms shake me none too gently. I welcome the pain-nothing more than I deserve. "Stop. Don't do that. I am being serious." His angry hands grab my face as he forces my gaze from the floor to his emerald eyes. I can't help but feel small, guilty trills of pleasure from his touch.

I push him away. I have to. "You wouldn't know you felt obligated, Harry. You're too good. You wouldn't know. You'd be happy to be with me forever. Don't you see that?" My voice snaps at him. I'm ready for this to be over so I can curl up in a ball and just block everything out. "I've been in love with you for years, and I used sex to get you to love me back, but I wasn't trying to. I just wanted to make you forget for awhile." My confession is washed up and over used, but it spills forth anyway,.

Something I said did it. His jaw quivered slightly and his eyes dangerously narrowed. I have expect for him to reach for his wand. Instead, his hands ball into furious fists and he begins to shout in my face. "YOU AREN'T LISTENING TO ME. CAN'T YOU SEE WHAT YOU'VE DONE TO ME?! IF YOU WANT TO FEEL BAD, FEEL BAD FOR LEAVING ME, FOR BREAKING MY HEART. I'VE BEEN A MESS FOR THE LAST YEAR AND A HALF-FEEL LIKE SHIT OVER THAT BECAUSE YOU SHOULD!" His words pierce me like daggers. I want put my hands over my ears so I don't have to listen to him anymore.

His voice grows quiet, barely above a dangerous whisper. Don't you doubt the way I've ever felt about you, or the way I feel about you now. Don't insult my feelings, Hermione. I'm not some stupid, innocent little boy. I know exactly what I feel."

Guilt, remorse, shame, humiliation, and many other emotions create a ball of pain in my chest, squeezing my heart uncomfortably. My tears become uncontrollable sobs. I feel surrender brimming on the horizon, despite my futile grip to my defense. He hugs me and says something, but I don't hear him. I just slowly drop into my own selfish abyss of guilt. Guilt for everything: leaving him, losing him, coming back to tease him, and the sheer relief of seeing I've ruined him for anyone else.

"I'm sorry." I manage to say. "I was trying to do what was best. I was trying to save you from regrets later in love, in case you know…you realized you didn't really want me." I don't even know what I'm saying, but word vomit rambles from my mouth.

He rocks me slowly back and forth. "It's you, Hermione. It's always been you, ever since I met you on the train. You aren't the one with the impulsive saving-people thing, Hermione. That's my job, so stop it." He jokes, and even though I feel like hell, I give him a small, teary-eyed smile. "And anyway, you've been saving me since we were eleven. You've been there for me when no one else has. How could I not love you? Hell, you've never given me a chance-not because you were there, but because you've outshone every other girl on the planet in every way." His words are cheesy. The meaning behind them is cliché. They are perfect.

I pull away even though I only want to hug him tighter. "Surely you can see part of my view on this, Harry? Can't you understand my side at all?" I beg for him to see reason, see a hint of the truth.

His words are flat. "No. You have no argument. No excuses. You acted like a damn bitch, and I'm not going to give you the slightest edge on seeing sense with your argument so you never do it again. I already forgave you, I will forget, but I will never excuse."

His words hang in the air, some like bitch and no excuses, louder than others.

I run a hand through my hair, feeling somewhat put together though only just. I'm still just a tiny pinprick from falling back into shambles.

I need to apologize. "I don't even know what you say right now. I'm sorry I put you through that. The last thing I ever wanted to do was hurt you." My words are honest and true. "If it's any consolation…I've been in hell myself."

He smiles. "It's not as much of a consolation as you would think. I hate seeing you upset."

I take a few steps away to give myself room to breathe. "Where do we go from here? To go back to how it's been…I dunno. There's just so much…" I'm clueless. What now? Does he forgive me enough to repair this? Do I forgive myself enough? I suddenly see a vision of us, lying against a tree in each others' arms. Despite the quick glimpse, I know the significance of the golden band on my finger.

His words pull me from my reverie. "You told me, the night you left, that you loved me and to never doubt that. But things might have changed for you, and I can live with that. If you don't want me, then that's okay. Just say it, and I'll go. I'm not going to make you love me. I'm not going to make you be with me. I'm not going to beg. You know how I feel-I've been in love with you for as long as I can remember. If you love me, then Hermione, we can make it. I know we can. I want it all. But if that's not what you want, then tell me now. You aren't going to break my heart again. I don't have the strength to withstand it. So you tell me." He pulls a small box from his pocket. "Merry Christmas."

I resist the urge to say the automatic response of "Christmas is over" and mutely, I take it with shaking fingers and open it. Inside, a silver key lay against blue velvet. I know exactly what it is to-Harry's flat.

"I already have one of these." I whisper, fingering the cold metal of the key.

"I'm asking you to come home. Move in with me. I want to be as public as it can get. I love you. I don't want to wait for anything else." His voice is certain, demanding. "So you need to tell me exactly what you want, Hermione."

He wants to know what I want.

What have I always wanted?

Him. I'm never going to want anyone else. He's made it clear that he won't either. All my previous assumptions about everything…they are harder to cling to.

I don't know how to feel about what I've done. I hate that I broke his heart, but at the same time, it's hard to regret it. Perhaps, if I hadn't, something might have happened and we wouldn't be standing here right now, trying to figure out where to go.

How can I show him exactly what I want? What I need, if he genuinely wants it too? His actions have always spoke volumes over his words. Waiting for me for a year a half. Coming here. Shouting sense into me.

I guess sometimes, two people just click. They're meant for each other. Whatever circumstance, whatever happens, they are it for one another. Despite whatever selfish need or stupid occurrence that brings them together, they're together-and that's what matters.

We met by happenstance. Became friends over natural instincts. Evolved to best friends throughout a slew of eventful Hogwarts years. Matured to lovers out of desperation in the dark corners of a lonely tent.

Two people just trying to save each other.

Our natural courses brought us together. I left; I gave him a chance to move on. I gave him the opportunity to have a different life.

He chose not to.

I don't have the strength to stay away anymore.

I turn around and walk silently to my bedroom. I reach in my knickers' drawer and pull out another small box. I haven't looked at it since I hid it in here. I go back to Harry, who is waiting patiently. With shaking hands, I hand him the unfamiliar box.

"I want this." My voice quivers, but only just.

Slightly confused, he opens the box and sees the ring he gave me on his birthday. His bottle green eyes are dark as understanding overtakes him. Holding my breath, I gauge for a further reaction. Was this a mistake? Should I have waited? Too much, too soon? Was I even sure about this?

If there is anything I've learned being with Harry, it was to always keep it real. If I want something, tell him. I've never shied away from my desires before. He's the one person I have always been able to be completely honest with.

To my only slight surprise, without hesitation, he gets down on one knee and takes my left hand into both of his.

He doesn't speak; neither do I.

He slides the ring on my shaking finger.

Tears well up from happiness. I drop to my own knees as well.

I immediately pull him into a searing kiss with all the passion I can muster. "Happy New Year." He whispers quietly against my mouth.

I look up the clock. "It's not quite midnight yet." I correct automatically. Why do I do stuff like that and ruin the moment?

Not deterred one bit by my compulsive need to correct things, he picks me up bridal-style and carries me to my soon-to-be former bedroom. "Well, I guess we'll just have to keep kissing so we don't miss it, Mrs. Potter." He replies with a smirk.

This is it nothing to hide
One more kiss never say goodbye
This is it babe your all mine
Looking at all or nothing
Babe it's you and I
I know that I am good for something
So let's go give it a try
We got our backs against the ocean
It's just us against the world

"All Or Nothing" 3 DOORS DOWN

Well, what did you think? Please review! I appreciate it!!!! The next chapter will be up soon! Thanks for reading!

REVIEW!

*~Archie~*

Document created with wvWare/wvWare version 1.2.7

-->