Author's Notes: First off, I want to thank everyone for their patience. Seeing as I'm still in school for about another month, there will be more delays as I won't have that much time to write. I would really like to thank the Wonks, who have been my backbone. Your support has helped me a lot. Also, a very special thank you to Daniel. I'd like to dedicate this chapter to him.
CHAPTER SEVEN
ACCEPTANCE
Avoidance was the only thing on Harry's mind. He had to avoid the party; he had to avoid the people. He did not want to see their faces, the looks of pity. It only brought the letter closer to home.
When he locked himself in Ron's bedroom, he slumped against the wall and let out a deep breath he did not know he had been holding and finally let himself wonder: why? Why did Sirius name him the beneficiary on his will? How long ago had he done it? Why didn't he tell Harry that he had.
He banged his head back against the wall and shouted at the top of his lungs, "WHY DID YOU DO THIS TO ME? Why did you have to die?" he finished in a voice just above a whisper.
But his sorrow soon changed over into a twisted anger. He felt a vile hate uncoil inside his stomach as he clenched and unclenched his fists repeatedly. How could Sirius just give him everything; how could he place such a burden on Harry? Didn't he know that he already had the greatest burden of all on his shoulders: being the only one able to defeat Voldemort? Didn't he care?
"HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME?" He bellowed. "WHY DID YOU HAVE TO PLAY HERO AND TRY TO COME AND RESCUE ME? I DON'T NEED RESCUING!"
Fuming, Harry threw the closest object he could get his hands on, a pillow, as hard as he could. "WHY, DAMN YOU, WHY?" he asked over and over again as he punched the wall and kicked the bed. "Why?" he uttered with a sob and collapsed on the floor.
As he laid there, his earlier question came back to mind. Why did you have to play hero and try to come and rescue me? No, it wasn't Sirius who was trying to play hero, it was Harry. Hermione had said it herself. Harry liked playing the hero. He had played the hero and he had tried to rescue Sirius. It was his fault. His fault. Sirius was not to blame.
"Oh, God!" he sobbed and crawled over to the wall, where he sat himself up.
It was like this how Ron found him nearly a half an hour later. "Hey, Harry," he said quietly.
"Ron," Harry acknowledged in the same manner.
"Er...you okay?"
"I'm getting there."
"Oh. Er…some of the guests are getting ready to leave. D'you want to come down and say good-bye to them?"
"I probably should, shouldn't I?"
"Er...yeah, you probably should."
"Okay." He got up and faced Ron.
"Boy, mate, you look like hell."
A ghost of a smile appeared on Harry's face. "Thanks, Ron."
Together, the two best friends walked out of the room and down the stairs to meet the public once again.
*****
Later on that night, Harry was trying to fall asleep. Over in the bed across from him Ron was snoring softly. Harry took a long look at his friend, shook his head in slight amusement, and starred out the window right above Ron's bed. It was a starry, quiet night. Everything was peaceful.
It won't be that way forever, he thought mournfully.
Sighing, Harry tried to clear everything from his mind. He didn't want to think anymore, he just wanted to sleep.
For just one night I want peace. It was with that wish that he finally fell asleep.
Harry was standing outside of number twelve, Grimmauld Place, looking up at it. Suddenly, he heard footsteps. Turning around, he saw the face he longed to see.
"Sirius!"
Sirius Black stood before him, hands in his pockets, and stared at him.
"I've been waiting for you," Harry went on, feeling uneasy. His godfather was still staring at him. "Sirius?"
"I can't believe you," Sirius spat.
"What?" He reached out to touch him, but felt his hand go right through the man before him.
"You let me die," Sirius said, "just so you could get all of my stuff. All of my money. Aren't you rich enough, Harry? Didn't Mommy and Daddy give you enough?"
"What are you talking about?" he cried, stepping back in disbelief. "I would never-"
"Liar. You're a greedy rotten little murderer. Pathetic." Sirius muttered.
"No. I'd never-"
"You couldn't wait until I died, could you Potter?" Sirius interrogated mercilessly. "Who are you going to kill next? Ron? Hermione?"
"No!"
Sirius barked in laughter. "They're going to go my way, aren't they? You're pathetic. Well, enjoy the money, thief!"
Before Harry could say another word, Sirius turned and simply disappeared, and Harry awoke to the pale pinkness that was coming through Ron's bedroom window.
It was just a dream. It was just a dream, he repeated to himself over and over in his head.
He tried to go back to sleep, but he knew it wouldn't be any good. He got up and dressed quickly before sneaking out of the room.
No one else in the Burrow was up yet and he wanted to keep it that way. Fred and George were both snoring loudly on the couches when he reached the first floor, making it easy for him to sneak through the back door and outside. He wandered around until he found himself on top of a small hill where he sat down on the soft, dewy earth and dropped his head into his hands, his dream coming back clearly.
He didn't hear the footsteps come up from behind him, but he did feel the presence of someone as they sat down beside him. He opened his eyes and looked up to see Hermione sitting next to him, hugging her knees to her chest, looking up at the sky.
"Looks like we're going to have a beautiful sunrise this morning," she said, not taking her eyes from the sky.
"Yeah, I suppose," Harry agreed and cast his eyes down upon the ground.
"You had a nightmare." It wasn't a question, it was a statement.
"Yeah," he confirmed.
"I can't imagine getting a letter like that on my birthday," she said quietly. "You seemed so happy before it arrived, but that was just a smokescreen, wasn't it Harry? You haven't been happy since before Cedric died. Sirius's passing only made it worse."
"Since when did you become a psychologist? You don't know how I feel," Harry snapped and regretted it immediately. "I'm sorry." He looked over at her. Her eyes were closed and her lips were pressed together tightly. "Hermione?"
"Please don't say I don't understand how you feel," she whispered and opened her eyes. Harry was shocked to see that she was crying.
"Hermione…what-"
"My grandmother died when I was ten. She had cancer," Hermione told him quietly.
Now Harry really felt miserable. How could he be so insensitive? "I'm so sorry, Hermione."
"We were very close, just like you and Sirius. She died at the end of May. I got my Hogwarts letter a week later. I couldn't even tell her," she said and wiped the tears from her eyes. "I promised myself that I would do the best I could, that I would become the best witch possible. I miss her so much."
"I'm a git, aren't I?" he asked, feeling guilty.
She looked up at him. "No," she said with a small smile. "You're just in pain. But at least now you know that you're not alone. I know how you feel."
He frowned. "Thanks. How did you know I was out here anyway?"
"I heard a creak on the stairs. Light sleeper," she explained, seeing the puzzled look on his face.
"Oh. Sorry to wake you."
"Don't worry about it. You are in pain, I had to come. Do you still blame yourself for Sirius's death?"
"Sometimes," he told her. "He wouldn't have come after me if I hadn't gone. You wouldn't have gotten hurt."
"It was a risk I was willing to take. I'm sure Sirius was willing to too." She looked directly into his eyes. "He doesn't blame you. No one blames you." She scooted over and pulled him into a tight embrace. "I hate seeing you do this to yourself."
He breathed deeply and could smell a faint sent of lilac in her hair. "I see him every night," he admitted to her. "He's always in my dreams dying, or looking at me like he's asking, 'Why did you let me die?' Last night was different though."
She pulled back, but didn't let him go. "How so?"
"He and I were standing in front of Grimmauld Place and he was just staring at me. He then accused me of letting him die so I could have all of his stuff: his money, his house. I tried to explain, but he just turned away and disappeared. I know it sounds stupid-"
"No it doesn't," Hermione interjected. "You feel guilty about being given everything that was his. You were like a son, or at least a little brother, to him. If he didn't want you to have it, he wouldn't have put your name on that will."
And it was as simple as that. She had given him the eye-opener he needed to come to his senses and stop worrying. A sigh of relief escaped past his lips. "Thanks, Hermione. I needed that."
"Anytime," she replied back. She tilted her head towards the sky again. "Look, I was right. What a beautiful morning."
*****
Later on that morning, Harry was sitting between Ron and Hermione at breakfast. Ron and the rest of the family were chatting on merrily while both Harry and Hermione remained quiet. No one seemed to notice.
"A few more tests and it will be done," Fred was telling everyone.
"I can already tell that Weasley Wedgies are going to be a hit," George said with a grin.
"You two could have been so much more if you had just taken your N.E.W.T.s," Mrs. Weasley chided. "Weasley Wedgies, Ton-Tongue Toffee, Nosebleed Nougat-"
"All wonderful trademarks of Weasleys' Wizard Wheezes," Fred replied, beaming with pride.
"You two should be ashamed of yourselves for making a profit off of other people's misfortunes," Mrs. Weasley scolded.
"Oh, come now, Mum. Those misfortunes are nothing but a bit of fun. And people love them," George told her. "Fred and I are doing very well. Enough to give Zonko's a run for its money."
"We do owl-order too. That brings in plenty of revenue," Fred said. "George and I are living pretty well. You don't need to worry, Mum."
"They are doing well, Mum," Bill commented. "Clever merchandise, too. You might as well relax, Mum; they aren't going to be stopping anytime soon."
Mrs. Weasley scowled. She muttered something that sounded distinctly like, "You're wasting your lives."
Everyone was silent for a moment before Ginny dropped her fork with a slight scream.
"Wha-" Mr. Weasley started before looking over at the fireplace, where Ginny was staring. "Oh, Remus, hello!"
"Hello Arthur," said the head of Remus Lupin, which was poking out of the fireplace. "I have some excellent news."
"What it is?" Mr. Weasley asked as everyone at the breakfast table leaned closer to get a better look.
"Is Harry around? He'll want to hear this the most," Lupin said.
"I'm right here," Harry replied, standing up.
"Good. Dumbledore just dropped by to tell me that after a lengthy investigation, the Ministry has finally cleared Sirius," Lupin announced with a smile.
Harry couldn't believe what he was hearing. Now? "Why does it matter? He's dead," Harry muttered.
"Harry," Mrs. Weasley said gently, "it means that people won't believe he's a murderer anymore."
"So? I doubt he cared what people thought about him. All he wanted was freedom. He can't get that now," Harry retorted.
"I understand, Harry," Lupin murmured. "But now we can honor Sirius the way he is supposed to be honored. We can have a proper ceremony for him."
"Ceremony? Why couldn't we before?"
"Because he was considered a criminal," Charlie answered. "Criminals cannot be honored by wizard law."
"Since when do we do anything by wizard law," Ron muttered.
"Dumbledore has set up the ceremony for him to take place next Friday in one of the Ministry's halls," Lupin informed them. "I'll see you all there, right?"
"Of course you will," Mr. Weasley said. "Thank you, Remus."
"You're welcome. See you then." With that, he was gone.
Harry sat down and picked up his fork. When conversation picked up again, he felt Hermione reach over and squeeze his hand. He squeezed hers back, letting her know that he was fine. She nodded, let go, and went back to her breakfast as Bill started to tell about the latest goings at Gringotts.
*****
The next Friday, Harry found himself pulling on his green dress robes while Ron was pulling on a pair of sleek black robes.
"I've never had a chance to wear the robes Fred and George bought me," Ron told him. "What a fit." Harry grinned over his shoulder at Ron, who was trying to examine himself. "I see yours still fit you, Harry."
"Barely," Harry admitted and it was true. If the hem went up another millimeter they would be considered too short. "So Ron, what usually happens in these ceremonies anyway?"
"Nothing much. It's supposed to be a big celebration of the deceased's life. Usually there are a couple of speeches, followed up by the Eternus charm, then-"
"Hold it-the Eternus charm?"
"It's something that's supposed to send wizards into the afterlife. It's pretty hokey, but it's tradition," Ron explained.
"Oh. What happens after?"
"After that, we come to my favorite part, the feast."
"Why am I not surprised?"
Ron laughed as they both headed downstairs, where Hermione and the rest of the Weasleys were waiting.
"Dumbledore was kind enough to provide a portkey for Ron, Ginny, Harry, and Hermione," Mr. Weasley said to his older children as he held up a red feather that looked distinctly like it had come from Dumbledore's pet phoenix, Fawkes. "I'll be traveling with them."
"We'll see you there, Father," Percy said and suddenly disapparated.
"Yeah, see you all in a few minutes," Fred said as both he and George disapparated.
Both Bill and Charlie gave their good-byes and disappeared, leaving Mrs. Weasley.
"Are you sure you don't want me to come with you, Arthur?" she asked.
"We'll be fine, Molly. I'll see you there," he said and gave her a peck on the cheek. Moments later, she was gone.
"Okay," Mr. Weasley said, checking his watch, "the portkey is scheduled to leave in a minute, so everyone grab hold."
Harry grabbed onto the feather's tip as everyone else grabbed onto a piece of the feather.
"Any second now," Mr. Weasley murmured as Harry felt a familiar pull around his navel and his feet left the ground.
When he landed, he was in a medium sized room decorated in wood paneling with a long table draped in black table covers. At the front of the room was a small podium. Harry noticed that every person there was a member of the Order.
"Come on kids, let's get a seat," Mr. Weasley said and led them over to where Mrs. Weasley and the other Weasley boys were sitting along with Lupin and Mad-Eye Moody. When Harry sat down, he noticed a small piece of paper in front of him that read:
Sirius Black
Good friend and fellow knight
Today we honor the loss of one of our own. Today we will remember all of the deeds that Sirius has done; all that he had to suffer through. Today we say farewell and hope that he may find eternal peace.
As he read onward it told him that both Dumbledore and Lupin were to give a speech and below that, it told him exactly how to do the Eternus charm.
"Nice of them to put that on there, isn't it?" Ron whispered as he poked Harry in the ribs. "I can never seem to remember how that thing goes."
"It looks rather complicated," Hermione said in a low tone as she leaned closer to both Harry and Ron.
"Nah, it's all for show," Ron told her.
"You've done it before?" Harry asked him.
"Well, no, but I've seen it done loads of times. Besides, the charm isn't supposed to do anything."
"Shh, you three, the ceremony is about to begin," Mrs. Weasley chastised as Professor Dumbledore stepped up to the podium. A suddenly hush came over the assembly.
"First, I would like to thank everyone for coming today, especially on such short notice. It is with great sorrow and yet great pride that I stand before today to celebrate a man we all knew and we all cared for, Sirius Black.
"I had known Sirius since he was eleven, the first day he stepped into Hogwarts. He was quite the little rascal. In the seven years that followed, he along with his friends, James Potter and Remus Lupin, caused quite the stir on my grounds." At that, he grinned, his blue eyes twinkling brightly.
"Sirius was an excellent wizard, a formidable warrior. But most importantly, he was a good friend. We all know what happened nearly fifteen years ago. It affected him the most. Unfortunately, what happened to him afterward was the most shocking of all. Twelve years. Through only his will did he manage to survive and when he returned to us, he was still a formidable warrior and a good friend. He kept his promise that he made sixteen years ago until the very end without any concern for his own well being. He was brave and compassionate, although reckless at times. He is a true hero and for that, we honor him." He raised a gleaming goblet. "To Sirius Black."
As one, the congregation lifted their goblets and spoke in unison, "To Sirius Black."
The never-ending sorrow was still inside Harry as Dumbledore stepped away from the podium, but suddenly Harry felt a new feeling: pride. Sirius was a hero, in every sense of the word. He went into battle to protect the ones he cared for without a single thought of himself. He went out to battle Wormtail after Harry's parents had died and he had also fought Bellatrix Lestrange to protect Harry from harm.
As these new feelings rolled through Harry, Lupin stepped up to the podium and looked out over the crowd.
"Sirius, along with James, were my first two friends at Hogwarts and, being a werewolf, you don't find many of those. They were like brothers to me. They helped me through some of the toughest times in my life and they made sacrifices to help me.
"When James and Lily died, I lost a brother. When they threw Sirius in Azkaban, I lost another. I was lost. But years later, I found my way. Sirius escaped and I had my brother back again. He was the most courageous man I have ever known and the most honorable. Two months ago, I lost my brother again, but this time I know that it was for a good reason and it eases my pain to know that he's with our other brother. Which means, whatever lies beyond, both he and James are running amuck in there. Heavens beware." The crowd chuckled appreciatively. "Maybe one day, I'll be there too," he said and lowered his head. "I'll look after him," he finished quietly. "Don't worry, I'll look after him." Harry felt several eyes glance his way as Lupin got out his wand. "If you will all please join me in performing the ritual Eternus charm, to send my brother home."
Harry, along with everyone else in the room took out their wands and as one recited:
"Farewell to thee, our dear beloved
We hope for safe travel to the above.
May your days be without strife
As you begin your eternal life."
Everyone's wands, which had begun to glow, suddenly shot off a magnificent gold light that went straight through the ceiling.
At the podium, Lupin gave a small smile. "Thank you," he said quietly and stepped away. Harry watched him carefully and saw a tear fall from his former teacher's eye. Then, without realizing it, Harry stood up, goblet in hand. Everyone stared at him. Lupin looked up and met his eyes as Harry raised his goblet with a tear also in his eye and said, "To Padfoot."
A bittersweet smile came over Lupin's features as he grabbed a goblet, raised it, and uttered back, "To Padfoot."
Inside of Harry, something cracked as he sat down. His anguished seemed to seep out of him and when he was drained, the pride that had been there earlier returned. Sirius was gone, but one day, one day Harry would see him again. But not now, not now.
Hermione leaned in close to Harry. "Are you okay?" she asked quietly.
"Yeah…I'm fine," he said and for once truly felt it. He felt at peace and that night when he went to bed he did not dream of his godfather for the first time in several months.