Unofficial Portkey Archive

Author's Note: These stories are all one-shot, 1000-word responses to the Summer Writing Series Challenge, so each one is not related to the next.

Summer Writing Series Challenge (July 16)
Challenge: Musical Week: The Big Ensemble Piece
Challenge Conditions: It can be any genre you want it to be (comedy, love, angst, etc.) The stipulation is that you need to choose a song/scene with at least 4 characters (more is fine) interacting simultaneously - this means that in the show they're all on stage at the same time and all have individual lines.
Title: The Creation of Man
Word Count: 2,033

It was sunny Friday morning. Harry Potter stood in the sitting room of the house that he and his wife, Hermione, owned in Hogsmeade. The scene was something quite different from the typical Friday morning at their home. If anyone had arrived without knowing what was happening, they probably would have thought they'd entered the Lockhart household instead of the Potter household.

"Are you sure this is a good idea, Harry?" Hermione asked cautiously as she fluffed the ruffles on his sleeves.

"I think it's a brilliant idea! It's going to work…it has to. And if it doesn't…well…"

Hermione laughed. "I'll be fighting away the hordes of men who want to steal you from me!"

Harry rolled his eyes, but smiled.

"Just promise me," she said, "that you won't enjoy this too much. I don't think I'd like sharing my clothes with you."

"Oh, shut it, you," he said, elbowing her playfully.

"H-Harry?" a timid voice called from the fireplace.

"Ron!" Harry said, smiling at his friend. "Are you ready?"

Ron gulped. "Ginny and Lavender said that we were…"

"Come on in, then."

In a flash of green light, Ron stepped out of the fireplace, followed by Neville, Seamus, Dean, Fred, George, and Percy.

It looked as if the lot of them had raided Gilderoy Lockhart's wardrobe. Each one was dressed in brightly colored robes of various fabrics; some shimmering, some lacey, some satiny and flowing. There was an assortment of collars, cuffs, buttons and bangles. They stood awkwardly, tugging at the uncomfortable accessories that adorned their outfits.

Hermione stifled a laugh as she smiled at the newly arrived guests. "I'm just going to…go…" she said, giving in to her giggles and running from the room.

"Harry," Ron said with an annoyed tone. "Now really…there is a limit!"

There was a grumble of agreement from the crowd.

"Patience, friends. There's a method to my madness."

"Madness is right!" Seamus chipped in. "Spies and Death Eaters surround us…and we're playing dress-up?"

Harry grinned. "Precisely."

"Harry! I demand to know why I'm forced to wear this ridiculous get-up!" Fred said pompously. "When I left my house, Topply giggled - right in my face!"

"Topply?" Dean asked.

"My House Elf."

"You have a House Elf?" Neville asked in surprise.

Fred smiled proudly. "Business has been doing well."

"Well," Percy said, stepping forward and straightening his ruffled lapels, "I for one think it's rather nice for a change. Quite summery."

"Percy, sometimes you frighten me," Ron said, backing away from his brother.

"I'm afraid we are all going to be looking rather "summery" for a while, boys," Harry said. "Desperate times call for desperate measures."

There was a collective, "What?"

"We've been summoned to the Ministry," Harry said.

Fred looked at Harry like he was crazy. "The Ministry?"

"By the Minister?" George added.

"Yes. He has suspicions that we have been reorganizing The Order. If he finds out that we are, he'll shut us down straightaway. Wizard-Muggle relations are tenuous enough these days without rabble-rousers running about trying to rid the world of dark wizards."

"Is that what he calls us?" Ron asked. "Rabble-rousers?"

"That is how he refers to the newly-formed Order and its men, whoever they might be. But he'll never think it's us, will he? Naturally not, for the mere mention of that trouble-causing faction makes us…"

"Swoon?"

"Indeed, Ron! Such 'ruffians' besmirch the very name of manhood," Harry said, raising a hand to his forehead dramatically. "Nay, 'tis our duty as males not to rush to the battle…but to the tailor!"

The group of highly-decorated men gasped, wide-eyed and turning white.

"He's gone mental," Ron squeaked.

Suddenly, out of nowhere, Harry shouted, "Peacocks!"

Seamus jumped looked at Harry with raised eyebrows. "What the?"

Harry grinned. "Think about it, men. How those feathered boys love to flaunt their tails! Stallions…"

"What?"

"Huh?"

"…Hounds and stags," Harry added.

Dean nodded slowly, seeming to understand where Harry was going. "What you mean is of the goose and the gander, which gender is the grander?"

"Yes!" Harry exclaimed. "To be completely frank, dear men, the splendor is the male's!"

"But Harry," Ron protested. "I simply can not 'hop' about wearing pink chiffon!"

"Ron, whatever we must do to deflect suspicion, we shall do - which in this case is…to shimmer!"

Ron rolled his eyes.

"Be an example to your sex," Harry continued. "Give your boot a dapper strap."

"And it's smarter if your garter has some snap," Percy added, beaming.

Harry walked up to George and adjusted his collar. "Cravats should be flounced about our necks. Wear a nightcap when you nap -"

"Be bewitching with some stitching on your cap!" Fred said with a laugh.

Harry clapped a hand on Fred's shoulder, and nodded with a smile. "Now drape your cape and puff you cuff! Embroider those lapels!"

Neville stepped forward in his butter-yellow robes and smiled. "Be the king of the beasts in pastels!"

"Yes!" Harry said proudly. "For someone has to strike a pose, and bear the weight of well-tailored clothes! And that is why the Lord created men!"

"Harry," Ron said, shaking his head, "Dumbledore and Hagrid are waiting for us in London. Conditions are more dangerous than ever, and in the face of all this, you expect us to -"

"- to convince all of bloody England that we're nincompoops!" Harry laughed. He grabbed Dean by the arm and pulled him forward. "Strut, sir!"

"What, sir??" Dean asked in astonishment.

"Roosters do. Give a cock his comb and the hens will pale. Bucks, bulls, boars and rams!"

"Of the nanny goat and billy goat, whose beard is fully wooly?" Seamus asked, laughing.

Harry smiled. "It's bully for the billy, for he's willy-nilly male!"

"Willy-nilly?" Neville asked, his face paling.

"But Harry," Dean said, "you're the most famous wizard in London. Everyone loves you! You can get away with this, but the rest of us -"

"George!" Harry exclaimed, ignoring Dean. "Be a lion-hearted prig! Fill those pantaloons with light!"

George cranked his mouth to the side in thought. "I could dangle down a spangle…out of sight."

Harry laughed. "Oh yes! Be bold!"

"When it's cold, slap on a wig," Ron grinned.

"Draw your breeches in quite tight…" Seamus said, pulling the string on his waistband.

Harry walked up to him and took the string, pulling it harder. "Even more so and your torso will ignite!" Seamus squeaked from lack of air.

"Now smock your frock!" Fred said.

"Perfume your plume!" Percy added.

Dean laughed. "I'll let my waistcoat swing!"

"And the jungle will bow to its king!" George said, bowing deeply at the waist with one foot out in front.

"By George, I think you've got it!" Harry said with a smile. "Now, be sure to throw in a few gestures from time to time." He pulled a handkerchief from his sleeve and began to instruct the men in how to behave like a fop.

Ron pulled his handkerchief out with a flourish, waving it about frivolously.

"That's it!" Harry cheered. He stopped and put a hand to waist, posing like a store mannequin. "You see someone has to strike a pose and bear the weight of these well-tailored clothes!"

The boys all looked at each other and grinned before shouting out collectively, "And that is why the Lord created men!"

"Well done, well done!" Harry smiled. "Now we must leave or we'll be late. Come along, boys," he said sweetly and winked at the group. They laughed and followed him through the fireplace. In seconds they arrived at the entrance to the Ministry.

"Gentlemen," Harry said quietly as they swished down the hall, still looking rather awkward, "remember what we're here for…Why we must be dressed to kill."

Percy smiled. "If we have to start shopping at Cleopatra's, then we will!"

"Yes, you're bound to make a splash, Percy," Harry laughed. "You know your haberdashery! Buttons, buckles, ruffles and lace… All ready, then? Put on your prettiest face!"

They stopped outside an elaborate doorway with a sign that read Cornelius Fudge, Minister of Magic. Harry knocked and the pudgy man opened the door. He was completely taken aback, studying the frilly man standing before him.

"Is that you, Harry?"

"Minister Fudge! How well you're looking!"

"Err, yes," he said as he opened the door and let the parade of fops into his office. He sat behind his desk and looked in astonishment over the group before him. "I, err…I called you here for a bit of candor. I have reports you lot have been trying to reorganize the Order - is this true?" He watched as Harry sat down with a flourish.

"Of course not, Minister," Harry said, delicately crossing his legs and trying not to wince at the pain.
Fudge flipped through some papers on his desk. "This one says that you've been secretly meeting in a room behind Madame Malkins. What's that all about then?"

"Frou-frou!"

"I beg your pardon?" Fudge stammered.

"Frou-frou!" Ron said.

"Fabric!" Seamus chimed in.

"Frills!" Percy added.

"P-Percy??" Fudge asked in astonishment. Percy straightened and smiled proudly.

"Where else can one get the finest but Madame Malkins?" Harry said, waving his hand in the air flippantly.

Neville smiled. "Yes! We just have to get all our trim, tassels, and taffeta from her!"

"So in and out we go," said Dean.

"Yes, but," Fudge said, in a daze from all of their fashion commentary, "you're sure you're not hooked up with this new group of Order members?"

The men's reactions ranged from horror to hilarity.

"Hmmmm. Well, I must say you are all looking quite…quite…"

"Summery?" Percy asked.

Fudge smirked. "Err, yes. Quite. Summery. Oh, very well. You may continue certain brief shopping trips to Madame Malkins for the purposes of, err…'frou-frou'. But be sure to let us know if you hear word of this new Order. Oh, and next trip, could pick me up one of those new periwinkle bowlers?"

Just then a Ministry official entered the office, appraising the men with curiosity.

"Yes, Whimple? What can I do for you?" Fudge asked.

"Sir, I was hoping to talk to you about Harry Potter, but I see you've got other -"

"What is it, Whimple? There's Potter, right there," Fudge said, pointing to Harry. Harry smiled and wiggled his fingers in a ridiculous wave.

"Ahh, yes…well, I was hoping we could discuss the issue of some experimental charm reports that we've collected regarding -"

"Not now, Whimple," Percy said, coming forward. "We can wait until Monday to talk about those. I believe we have much more important things to discuss with the Minister right now…like the Ministry Ball…"

"Ye Gods, yes!" Harry exclaimed. "The Ministry Ball! Minister, what are you wearing?"

"Wearing?" Fudge asked. "No idea. Perhaps my purple robes?"

"Oh, no, no, no!" Harry said, looking at his friends and eliciting their incredulous reactions. "No, I'm afraid you simply can't. I'll be wearing my purple robes. Isn't that right, Ron? Because they're so shimmery, yes?"

"Indeed, Harry."

Fudge let out a, "Hmmm."

"Oh, do forgive us, Whimple…but we must speed straightaway to the Minister's closet and help him select his garb for the ball this evening. Come, Minister - quickly!"

Harry rounded the desk and pulled Fudge up from his chair, escorting him to the door.

"Very well then, uh, Whimple… I'll see you on Monday."

Harry drug Fudge to the Floo Network, followed by the procession of colorfully-clad attendants.

* * * * *

When Harry returned home at lunchtime, he flopped onto the couch with a sigh.

"How'd it go?" Hermione asked.

"I think we pulled it off," Harry replied, closing his eyes and leaning his head back on the couch. "How long do you think we'll have to keep this up?"

Hermione smiled. "Oh, for at least six months…maybe a year…"

"A year!?" Harry exclaimed as he jerked his head up.

She laughed. "That will give you lot enough time to appreciate what we women go through."

Harry smiled and pulled her on to the couch next to him. "I appreciate it!" he said, nuzzling her neck. "Trust me, I do appreciate it."

Hermione giggled and gave him a kiss.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
A/N: This song is called "The Creation of Man" from The Scarlet Pimpernel. Good show if you ever get a chance to see it. (The main character is named Percy, which is who I converted to Harry...just so you don't get confused by the characters listed below. There's also a Neville, hehe.)

The Creation of Man

PERCY
Peacocks!

ELTON
Sink me!

PERCY
Think ye, sir,
How those feathered boys
Love to flaunt their tails!

Stallions!

FARLEIGH
Zounds, sir!

PERCY
Hounds, sir! Stags!

DEWHURST
Of the goosie and the gander, sir
Which gender is the grander, sir?

PERCY
To render total candor, sir:
The splendor is the male's!

OZZY
But Percy, I simply can not hop about wearin' pink chiffon.

PERCY
Ozzy, whatever we must do to deflect suspicion, we shall do- which in this case is: to shimmer!

PERCY
Be an example to your sex.
Give your boot a dapper strap.
And it's smarter if your garter has some snap.
Cravats should be flounced about our necks.
Wear a nightcap when you nap-
Be bewitching with some stitching on your cap.
Now drape your cape and puff you cuff!
Embroider those lapels!
Be the king of the beasts in pastels!

La, but someone has to strike a pose
And bear the weight of well-tailored clothes!
And that is why the Lord created men!

DEWHURST
Percy. Armand and Marie await us in Paris. Conditions are more dangerous than ever, and in the face of all this, you expect us to-

PERCY
-to convince all of bloody England that we're nincompoops!

PERCY
Strut, sir!

DEWHURST
What, sir?

PERCY
Roosters do.
Give a cock his comb and the hens will pale.

Buck, bulls!

ALL
More, sir!

PERCY
Boars, sir! Rams!

DEWHURST
Of the nanny-goat and billy, sir,
Whose beard is fully wooly, sir?

PERCY
It's bully for the billy
For he's willy-nilly male!

OZZY
Lud, Percy, you're the best-dressed man in London. You can get away with this, but the rest of us-

PERCY
Sir! Be a lion-hearted prig!
Fill those pantaloons with light!

OZZY
I could dangle down a spangle: out of sight:

PERCY
Oh yes!

PERCY
Be bold!

FARLEIGH
When it's cold, slap on that wig.

BEN
Draw your breeches in quite tight-

PERCY
Even more so and your torso will ignite!

HAL
Now smock your frock!

ELTON
Perfume your plume!

OZZY
I'll let my waistcoat swing!

ALL
And the jungle will bow to its king!

La, but someone has to strike a pose!
And bear the weight of well-tailored clothes!

PERCY
And that is why the Lord created men:
Yes!

ALL
That is why the Lord created men!

ALL
And the jungle will bow to its king!

PERCY
La, but someone has to strike a pose!
And bear the weight of well-tailored clothes!

ALL
And that is why the Lord created men! Men!
That is why the Lord created men.

PERCY
Gentlemen, remember what we're here for,
Why we must be dressed:to kill.

ALL
If we have to look like Cleopatra,
Then we will!

If you're out to make a splash, cheri-
Do know your haberdashery!
Buttons, buckles, ruffles and lace
Represent the human race!

PERCY & BOUNDERS
La, but someone has to strike a pose!
And bear the weight of well-tailored clothes!
Each species needs a sex that's fated
To be highly decorated!
That is why the Lord created men!