Chapter 21
Shortly after Neville had excused himself to go pack his belongings, Harry received an owl, again, from Mrs. Weasley. It carried the conformation that she was indeed organising the supposed event… He was glad he had already assumed the Ball, because otherwise it would've ruined his already gloomy day further.
So there would be an All Saints Ball at his mansion, come Friday, and while Ron was coming over Wednesday with his family, she would arrive early, the day of Halloween, Thursday. Molly was going to take care of everything, from the guest list and the invitation to the music and the food. There was already a list included for Dobby…
Harry didn't know to be relieved, or annoyed… While he didn't like tending to such matters, he certainly wasn't unable to do so… But then again, this was probably for the best. Well, there would be quite a few matters to announce at dinner tonight…
Time flew by while Harry took care of other matters, and it wasn't until about five in the afternoon that he started to miss Lily. Normally she would spend the time before she had her dinner in the kitchens with him, and then after his dinner he would go and tuck her in.
Now, he was left waiting until her lessons had ended… and wait he did…
*
Hermione knew very well that it was more the shock of what had happened than her actual speech that galvanised Lily into cooperating. The poor girl probably couldn't understand the seriousness of growing up, and Hermione could only imagine how scary she looked with her hair pointing to the skies… But at least she was ready to be taught now.
After a long afternoon of explaining the cards to Lily, and teaching her more words, Hermione saw that the darkening sky outsight meant that it really wasn't fair for Lily to keep her from food any longer. But before she ended the lesson, she put out all candles illuminating the room.
In the relative darkness, she joined Lily at the fireplace. In a soft voice, Hermione wanted to keep the restful atmosphere intact:
"Did you know firelight holds its own magic?" At Lily's questioning gaze, Hermione continued: "It's not the kind of magic that's held within a spell or any enchantment, it's magic from time itself… When the sun sets, and only the fire warms you, its light holds the magic to stop time of sorts. In the firelight, you can do what you want, say what you want, and, if you want to, it will all be forgotten in the morning…"
Lily whispered, as if frightened to break the peaceful spell: "I can do what I want?"
At Hermione's nod, Lily looked at her governess pleadingly: "I want to leave…"
Hermione answered gently: "Then leave…"
Lily threw a look at the door, before watching her governess with tired impatient… Hermione smiled, a bit amused:
"The door hasn't been locked since you were ready to be taught… which was around noon…"
Lily's eyes widened slightly, before she scrambled up and walked towards the door, finding it indeed open. Once she was out the door, she broke into a run.
Hermione followed her downstairs, and was met with an almost heart wrenching sight. Mr. Potter had obviously been waiting for his daughter, and she had thrown herself in his arms.
Hermione longed to be a part of it… Her heart aching she saw how Mr. Potter let his guard down, and buried his face in his daughter's hair, while Lily clutched at her father with arms and legs. Now more then ever, she felt like an outsider… Lily wasn't supposed to be her daughter, and Mr. Potter…
With a sudden clarity she realised she envied both with the same amount. Mr. Potter for having the love of her daughter, and being able to hold her like that… But in this moment she'd like to be Lily also. Being held by him like that… being able to embrace him with such abandon…
With a resolute shake of her head, she went back to the classroom to clean up…
*
Harry had a distinctly odd feeling. It wasn't as if he had been feeling anything remotely normal ever since Miss Granger come into his life again… But it was really starting to get more… odd…
Just hours ago, when he had cuddled Lily after she had jumped into his arms, being released from Miss Granger's lessons, he had caught a glimpse of the governess' retreating back. There had been such a sad expression on her face… And extraordinarily enough, it had made her look so beautiful, his heart had stopped for but a moment.
There was such a tragic serenity about her in that moment, and it touched him to the core…
And then, after he'd taken Lily from the kitchens back to her room, where she could play a bit before going to sleep, he'd descended the stairs to find Miss Granger waiting in the room for supper to be served. Joining her in front of the fire, he noticed they stood there in the dark.
Not knowing what to say, and wanting to break the awkward silence between them, he'd remarked about the firelight illuminating a room more then one would believe.
Miss Granger had looked at him in surprise, while he had been totally clueless about the meaning of her softening stare and slight blush. When she averted her eyes back to the firelight, though, it hit him… He'd said something similar… back then…
Feeling even more odd then before his inane remark, he had never been so relieved to find Ginny burst in and tutting about them being in the dark, and how it was bad for one's eyesight.
Dinner had been relatively uneventful on the Miss Granger front. Ginny was sad to see Neville leave, but was too excited about the ball next week and her family coming over to mourn for more than a few moments. Harry was to accompany Neville to the magical docks in London, but he wanted to go tuck in his daughter first. After he'd exited Lily's room and called a last 'goodnight' to her, he'd ran into Miss Granger… again… She tried to hide it, but he'd be willing to bet anything she longed to be the one to kiss Lily's forehead, wishing her a nightmare-free sleep… And again, it made his chest hurt…
The final teardown of the stubborn barriers he kept around him had came during his ride back from London, while he'd pondered the last conversation with Neville…
"Goodbye, my friend, you know you're always welcome to visit whenever you leave your beloved America?"
"Thank you for your hospitality, Harry, and for your lessons in Defence, of course…"
"Oh, and… did you find time to attend to your… other business?"
"Indeed… She didn't leave me much of a chance…"
"She didn't accept?"
"No, it's obvious she already has someone holding her heart…"
Harry couldn't shake the feeling of… envy… Who held her heart? Or… Dear sweet hope… Hope made a man so vulnerable, and often led to bitter disappointment. But what if it was him? What if she did remember those nights… The third night…
It was time to stop lying to himself… time to confess… Only then could he handle the situation with Miss Granger with a clear head. And then, he would be able to stay unaffected by her…
This was how he found himself next to Cho… Staring into the fire… Emotions too strong, making his voice crack…
"I don't know if you want to hear this, but I can't… I can't talk to anyone else about this… I have a confession to make, Cho…
I remember… I remember the nights Lily was conceived… I've never forgotten… I remember… her… how she felt… How she made me feel…
I couldn't forget… And ever since… Every time those London harlots propositioned me… I didn't… I didn't feel like I'd… Oh, Merlin… Forgive me Cho… My first thought wasn't that I'd betray your trust… But I felt like… like I was betraying her…
And I know I shouldn't feel like this… that it should be you I'm thinking about in that way… but I can't… I can't even really recall our wedding night… All I remember, was that it was quick, in order not to hurt your baby, and rather businesslike, to complete the wedding contract… It was the way it should've been with her…
But it was different with her Cho… And I hope, some day, you can forgive me…"
At this, Harry broke down, like he hadn't since as long as he could remember… In the privacy of his wife's room, he rested his undeserving head on her midriff and cried… Like he hadn't really sobbed when Sirius passed away, nor when Cedric was murdered… It wasn't the desperate realisation when Cho's baby died and she was rendered unconscious for a lifetime… It was a cathartic moment, washing away some of the frustration he'd felt for such a long time…
***
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