Disclaimer: This story is based on characters and events from J.K. Rowling's wonderful Harry Potter books. I am writing this for my own enjoyment and hopefully for the enjoyment of readers. Anything you recognize belongs to JKR. The rest belongs to me.
Chapter 88: Truth or Betrayal?
"First year?" echoed Lily.
Remus walked around the seat so he could face her. He paused, for a moment thinking that he could hear a faint melody emanating from inside the castle. Listening again, he didn't hear anything. Focusing on Lily again, he said, "Yes, first year. How long have you remembered?"
Lily's eyes widened for a moment before she said, "Remus, you know I can't remember anything from first year."
"Don't lie to me, Lily," Remus said sternly. "I thought something was a little off the other night after we ran into Lockhart. I couldn't think of what it was until tonight. You used to call him Gil during our first year. Then I heard you call him that the other night. It was our joke because I always teased you about being called Lils."
Lily stood up and said, "Even if I called him that during first year how do you know that I haven't thought to call him that since? It's not like I haven't spent any time with him. For heaven's sake, I went on a date with the guy a few years ago!"
"I didn't know for certain that it wasn't just a coincidence," said Remus. "But then I heard you snap at James that he'd kiss as well as he ice skates. I know for a fact that James hasn't put on a pair of ice skates since first year."
Lily opened her mouth to argue but was silent.
Remus prodded, "C'mon, Lily. Tell me. Do you remember?"
Lily's lower lip trembled slightly as she looked down at the floor. After a minute, she said in a choked whisper, "Yes."
Her admission was like getting hit with a bucket of ice water, despite his suspicions. Lily remembered? He couldn't help but ask, "How long?"
Lily's shoulders slumped and she sank back down onto the seat. She rubbed her face and pushed her hair out of the way before looking up at Remus and replying, "I've always remembered, Remus."
"What?" gasped Remus.
Lily nodded and said, "I never lost my memory."
Remus was momentarily speechless. Was she saying what he thought she was saying? "You mean you-"
"Lied to everyone, yes," finished Lily. "The professors, Madam Pomfrey, my family, and my friends…everyone."
"You mean nobody else knows about this?" asked Remus.
"Nobody," said Lily. Suddenly she stood up again and grabbed Remus's arm. "You can't tell anyone, Remus. Please!"
Remus let out a disbelieving laugh. "I don't even understand why you did it, Lily. Why won't you tell anybody?"
Lily looked him in the eyes and said, "I have my reasons, Remus. Please believe me. I didn't lie to everyone for nothing."
"All this time…" muttered Remus, shaking his head. "We were all worried about you, hoping you'd get better. James-"
"Cannot know," interrupted Lily. "Remus, you need to promise me you won't tell anybody what you know. Especially him…"
Remus shook his head slightly and said, "How can you ask me to lie to my best friend?"
"I'm your friend, too," said Lily. "You have to trust that I know what I'm doing."
"But-" said Remus.
"We all have our secrets, Remus," said Lily. "I do, even you do."
Remus felt his stomach drop slightly at how Lily was looking at him when she said that. "What do you mean, I do?"
Lily sighed and said, "I know, Remus."
"What do you know?" he carefully asked.
"I know why you're gone every month," she replied. "During the full moon," she added, giving
him a significant look.
Remus paled and said, "Mum is ill-"
"Your mum is not the one who gets ill," interrupted Lily. "You are. I've read about the transformations. Your symptoms match the description."
Remus felt himself grow cold. Lily knew? Between that and the revelation that she had never lost her memory, his mind was spinning. He forced his voice to work and choked out, "So you know that I'm…"
"A werewolf," she finished. "Yes, I figured it out during third year."
Remus nodded and said, "That was when we studied them. I wondered if someone would put the pieces together." A scary thought occurred to him and he asked, "Does anyone else know?"
Lily shook her head and said, "No, not as far as I know. I haven't told anyone."
"Why didn't you tell me you knew?" asked Remus.
Lily sadly smiled and replied, "If you had wanted me to know then you would have told me. I didn't want you to think that I could see you any differently."
Remus watched her carefully and asked, "Doesn't it scare you?"
"If I saw you during the full moon then I'd probably have reason to be scared," said Lily. "Any other time, you're Remus, my friend."
Remus smiled and said, "Thanks. I can't believe you knew all this time."
"Remus," said Lily, looking thoughtful. "Why didn't you tell anybody that you're a werewolf?"
Remus gave her an incredulous look. "What do you mean, why? It should be pretty obvious. People wouldn't let their kids attend school with a werewolf. I'm incredibly lucky as it is that Professor Dumbledore allowed me to attend Hogwarts. Besides, if people knew where I went every month then some might try to find me, and that could be incredibly dangerous."
"So you have your reasons why you don't tell people your secret," said Lily. Giving him a pointed look, she said, "And I have my reasons why I lied about my memory."
Remus shook his head and said, "That's different, Lily."
"Is it, Remus?" asked Lily, her voice wavering.
"How would I know?" exclaimed Remus. "You still haven't told me why, so from where I'm standing it is different! Why won't you tell me?"
A tear escaped her eyes and she said, "It's bad enough you know that I remember! If you knew why… Please, don't tell anyone!"
"James has a right to know," insisted Remus. "Do you know what he went through after the attack? First you supposedly lost your memory, then he found out his father had been killed. Sirius disappeared with his family for a while. Lily, he came back to school with the hope that you would remember, and that even if you couldn't he could win your friendship back. And now it's all been a lie! Lily, how could you do that to him?"
Lily was full-out crying at this point, and she gave Remus a pleading look, but Remus continued, "He tried to move on, but for some reason he couldn't get past the thought that he could win you back. It's like he put you on some sort of pedestal."
Lily sobbed and cried out, "I'm not perfect, Remus! I'm not!" She collapsed onto the seat and continued to sob. "If he knew…oh God, if he knew…"
Despite his annoyance at her lies, Remus couldn't help but walk over and sit beside her. He put his hand on her shaking shoulder and said, "C'mon Lily, don't cry."
Lily gave him another pleading look and begged, "Please don't tell him, Remus. Promise me you won't tell anyone!"
"Lily-"
"Please!" she beseeched. "Remus, I've kept your secret for years, and I promise I won't tell anyone. Please, can't you return the favor?"
Remus felt pulled in two different directions. He felt his friendship with James telling him to honest with him, yet Lily had also been his friend and she had kept his secret. The doleful look on her face tugged at his heartstrings and he finally said, "I'll promise on one condition."
"Anything," said Lily.
"I promise I won't tell if you promise to tell him yourself," said Remus.
"Remus, I can't-" she started, her voice breaking.
"C'mon, Lily," he said. "It'll be better when the truth is out."
She shook her head and said, "No, it won't. Trust me on this."
"It's the only solution," said Remus.
Lily studied him, realizing that he was backing her into a corner. She finally replied, "I won't promise to tell him, but I'll promise to think about it. Is that good enough?"
Remus sighed and said, "It'll have to be for now, I guess. I won't tell anyone."
Lily let out a relieved sob and hugged him. "Thanks, Remus!"
He patted her on the back and said, "Don't thank me, yet. You can't hide from this forever, Lily."
They sat there for a while, Lily gradually calming down while Remus patted her on the back. A noise caused Remus to turn his head toward the entrance. Seeing nothing, he asked Lily, "Did you hear that?"
"Hear what?" asked Lily, pulling away from Remus.
"I thought I heard something coming from over there," replied Remus.
"I didn't hear anything," said Lily.
"We should get back, anyway," said Remus, standing up and offering Lily a hand to get up.
Lily took it and pulled herself up, saying, "You're right. I'm exhausted. You must be, too."
Remus nodded, his body begging him to find a comfortable place to finish his monthly recuperation.
They turned to leave and stopped in surprise at what they saw at the entrance. Professor Grazynska was standing there watching the two of them. She eyed Remus's hand which was still holding Lily's and the corners of her mouth twitched upward into a knowing smile.
Lily and Remus immediately let go of each other and Remus said, "Erm, we were just finishing our patrolling and were on our way back to our dorms."
Professor Grazynska let out a melodious chuckle and said, "Of course you were. I suggest in the future you spend less time patrolling the astronomy tower and devote more time to other areas of the castle as well. Now go back before I decide you are ignoring curfew. I'd hate to have to give detentions to prefects."
Remus and Lily nodded and started to leave. As they walked by the professor, she grasped Lily's arm. Lily, somewhat startled, stopped and looked at her, noticing a curious yet odd expression on the professor's face.
"Are you all right, Lily?" asked Professor Grazynska.
"All right?" echoed Lily.
"You look sad…troubled," said the professor. "Is there anything I can do?"
Lily felt a weird mixture of feelings in her presence. There was something that didn't sit quite right whenever she came across the professor, but once she started talking Lily would feel soothed. Alice had once commented on what a lovely voice the professor had.
"I'm fine, Professor," replied Lily.
Professor Grazynska studied Lily for a moment before saying, "Very well. Off to bed, you two. I want you bright and alert in my class tomorrow morning."
"Yes, Professor," replied Lily and Remus.
The two Gryffindors swiftly left the astronomy tower. As they walked away, Lily could sense the pensive gaze of her DADA professor boring into her back.
"That was close," said Remus.
"Yeah," agreed Lily.
There was a silence for a few minutes as they walked until Remus said, "Can you believe she thought we were together?"
"Hmmm?" uttered Lily, still thinking about all that had happened that evening.
"Professor Grazynska," he said. "She thought we were together. Didn't you see the look on her face?"
Lily let out a slight chuckle as she said, "She walked into the astronomy tower and saw you holding my hand. I wonder how she got that idea…"
"It's still funny, though, the idea of us as a couple," said Remus. "We've been friends for so long, and…well, James…"
They entered the deserted common room and Lily stopped, saying, "You aren't going to say anything to Potter, are you? About before?"
Remus, trying one more time to convince her, said, "Don't you think he should know?"
Lily fidgeted her hands and said, "It's too soon. He wouldn't understand." Giving him a pointed look, she added, "C'mon, Remus. You have to know that he wouldn't take the news very well."
"He would probably be mad, but-" started Remus.
"Please, keep your promise," said Lily.
"I gave you my word before, and I plan on keeping it, as long as you keep your end of the bargain," said Remus.
Lily gave him a relieved smile and hugged him. She whispered, "Thanks, Remus." She pulled back slightly and looked him in the eyes, noticing honesty emanating through the weariness. She gave him a smile and whispered, "Don't worry about your secret. It's safe; I won't tell anyone."
Remus smiled back and said, "I know. I always suspected you knew more than you let on. You stopped grilling me about where I went every month, and you never questioned why I needed to borrow your notes after my absences. You're one of a kind, Lily."
She gave him a mischievous smile and, reminding him of Professor Grazynska's assumption earlier, she gave him a peck on the cheek and said, "Good night, boyfriend. Parting is such sweet sorrow," she added in a manner that would rival Gilderoy Lockhart's melodramatics.
Remus chuckled and joked back, "Good night, girlfriend."
Lily walked upstairs, leaving Remus in the common room wondering what he was going to tell James when asked how his conversation with Lily went. He knew James would be chomping at the bit to get info out of Remus.
Reluctantly, Remus walked upstairs. As soon as he entered the dorm room, he was not surprised to see James still awake, sitting on the edge of the bed facing away from the doorway. It looked like he was watching the Marauder's Map.
"Hey, Prongs," greeted Remus. When James didn't turn around or reply, Remus added, "I'm back, but you probably know that since you saw me in the map."
James stood up and turned to face Remus, a controlled expression on his face. "Did you find her?" he asked.
Remus nodded and said, "Yes, I did."
"And what happened?" James asked.
Remus felt uneasy, something about the way James was talking unnerving him. "She was upset, but I managed to calm her down." Remus decided that was not a lie, even if he was omitting several major points.
"Really?" said James. "How'd you do that?"
"How?" said Remus. "I just listened to her, I guess."
"That's it?" asked James.
"Yes," replied Remus, not liking the stony look he was getting. "What are you getting at, Prongs?"
"What am I getting at?" echoed James. "How about your making a move on Evans? That's what I'm getting at!"
"What?" laughed Remus. "I never made a move on Lily."
"Don't lie to me!" yelled James. "I know what I heard!"
Remus paled, wondering what exactly James had overheard. Had he been up to the astronomy tower? Had he overheard what Lily had told him? "What did you hear?"
James saw the expression on Remus's face and assumed it was an admission of guilt. He felt sick, seeing his friend's betrayal and knowing that Remus was trying to hide it from him. "How about Evans saying, 'C'mon, Remus, don't tell Potter about before. It'll only make him mad.'? Or how about my personal favorites, 'Goodnight boyfriend' and 'Goodnight girlfriend'?"
Remus let out the breath he had been holding. So James hadn't gone to the astronomy tower. He'd only overheard them in the common room. "It's not what you think."
James snorted and said, "Really? I saw the map! I know where you two were."
"We were just talking," explained Remus.
"You two were awfully close to be just talking," retorted James.
"That's what we were doing!" said Remus, exasperated.
"Then what were you talking about?" asked James. "Were you having a right old laugh about how stupid I was to not see what's right in front of me? That my so-called friend is betraying me?"
"Of course not!" said Remus.
"Is this about Emm?" asked James. "Are you still angry about the kiss from last year?"
"What?" said Remus, his mind reeling. James, in his anger, was coming up with wild theories.
"Yeah," said James. "You're mad that I kissed her at Christmas, so you went after Evans to get back at me."
"You're crazy," said Remus, becoming annoyed.
"What's going on and why won't you let me sleep?" asked Sirius sleepily, sitting up in his bed.
"Ask him," said James, giving Remus an icy glare. "But don't expect the truth." Before Sirius or Remus could answer, James grabbed his invisibility cloak and stormed out of the room with the map.
"What was that all about?" asked Sirius, trying to stifle a yawn.
"He thinks I betrayed him by going after Lily," said Remus, anger and annoyance filling him. He was mad that James jumped to conclusions about him and hadn't even let him explain.
"Did you?" asked Sirius.
Remus gave Sirius a harsh look and replied, "No, I'd never do that to him. Besides, I don't have those kinds of feelings for Lily. She's just a friend."
"So why is he so sure you betrayed him?" asked Sirius.
"He overheard something that he misunderstood," grumbled Remus. "But he won't even give me the benefit of the doubt. He didn't let me get a word in edgewise."
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James paced the halls in his invisibility cloak, not paying much heed to where he was but rather the anger that was coursing through him. He had taken Remus's advice and returned to Gryffindor tower while his friend went to find Lily, but he couldn't put what had just happened out of his mind.
He could have sworn that Lily was going let him kiss her earlier, and her reaction afterward had been so odd. Usually when she turned him down she had a cool or annoyed response ready, but this time she was nervous…almost panicky.
James had sat in his bed, finally unable to hide his curiosity and taking out the Marauder's Map. He activated it and searched until he could see the two dots that indicated Remus and Lily in the astronomy tower. He saw Remus's dot pacing around Lily and stopping. After a few minutes James saw the two dots closer than he felt comfortable with, though he just couldn't bring himself to doubt Remus. Remus had already told him that he and Lily were just friends.
Still, James watched, waiting to see the two dots move apart. He finally saw a third dot approaching and realized that his DADA professor was headed straight for them. Shortly after she entered the two dots indicating Remus and Lily moved apart. Still, James couldn't bring himself to believe that Remus had betrayed him.
James watched the map as Remus and Lily walked back to the common room, and he finally stood up and walked to the base of the stairway where he could see them walk in. His heart paused as he heard Lily say something to Remus.
"You aren't going to say anything to Potter, are you? About before?" he heard Lily say.
'About what? Was she talking about her reaction to me in the corridor earlier?' wondered James.
"Don't you think he should know?" asked Remus.
Lily fidgeted her hands and said, "It's too soon. He wouldn't understand." Giving him a pointed look, she added, "C'mon, Remus. You have to know that he wouldn't take the news very well."
"He would probably be mad, but-" started Remus.
"Please, keep your promise," said Lily.
"I gave you my word before, and I plan on keeping it, as long as you keep your end of the bargain," said Remus.
Lily gave him a relieved smile and hugged him. James shook his head, wondering what in Merlin's name they were hiding from him. He listened, but he was unable to hear the next part because they were standing closer than he was comfortable with and whispering to each other. He felt a lead brick drop in his stomach at the sight of Lily kissing Remus on the cheek and saying, "Goodnight, boyfriend." James shook his head again, trying to deny what his eyes and ears were telling him but hearing Remus reply, "Goodnight, girlfriend."
James had heard enough. He turned around and went upstairs, pacing his room until he saw the map laying on his bed. James approached it and picked it up, sitting down so his back was facing the door. He watched the dot of Remus on the map, now alone in the common room standing near the stairway to the boys' dormitory.
'He's probably trying to think up a lie to tell me about him and Lily. After all, Lily doesn't want me to know about it, yet,' he thought snidely.
He watched Remus's dot approach and as soon as he heard, "Hey, Prongs," he felt sick to his stomach.
James stood up and faced Remus, giving him the chance to come forward with the truth, and feeling more disgusted at the werewolf with each lie that was handed to him. He wondered what he had ever done to Remus to make him betray him. The only thing that came to mind was when he had kissed Emm under the mistletoe the previous year. But he hadn't known that Remus liked Emm until afterward!
As soon as Remus had said, "You're crazy," James had had enough. He pounded his way down the corridors, trying to get a hold of the anger and hurt that had taken over.
James stopped in his tracks when he heard a noise coming from down the corridor. Still under his invisibility cloak, he made his way closer and was surprised to see Professor Grazynska leaving a room. James pulled out the map and saw that they were near the Ravenclaw common room. Despite the appearance that nobody was in the corridor with her, Professor Grazynska clung to the shadows by the wall as she made her way in James's direction.
James double checked the map to see which room she had been in, and found that it was labeled as some kind of library. He wondered what had drawn the DADA professor's interest to that room.
James made certain to stand out of range of the professor, however as she passed by she paused, looking around for a moment, her eyes studying every nook and cranny in the corridor. James held his breath, not wanting to be caught and sent back to Gryffindor tower. He needed some time away from Remus or he thought he might try to pummel him. Despite his anger, James was not stupid and could remember when Remus had flung Sirius across the room during first year.
After a minute, the professor smiled and started to walk away again. She hummed a haunting melody as she made her way down the corridor. James felt his anger ebb and it took him several minutes to realize that Professor Grazynska had left.
He walked to the room that she had been in and cracked it open, peeking inside, but didn't see anything out of the ordinary present. He closed the door, realizing that he wasn't all that curious about what she had been doing. Odd, he thought - usually he would be inclined to investigate further, however he found that for some reason he shouldn't be worried about it.
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A/N: There you go - Lily's secret has been revealed (to you and Remus, at least). This is where I mention how tempted I was to answer all of the people who asked me when she would get her memory back with, 'Never.' After all, she never lost it in the first place. The general consensus from the last chapter was that people were excited she was getting her memory back. Now how do you feel?
Thanks to my latest batch of reviewers: loonymoony8, amg311, Alicia78, Mani12191, vulcanarcher (x2), Jo Bob, bobo7891, divya, whichrightwitchwrites, LillyJames, LarryTrotter, hctins, Miss France, Golden Phoenix, pineappleneko, Property of James Potter, LEFC President, alto2srock, fishyyippy, granger1191, God'sgirl, hippiechic1193, Calypso, RainDateChick, Incendia, cutie claud, German Wings, anonymous, Dilna, and iluvpadfoot.