Disclaimer: This story is based on characters and events from J.K. Rowling's wonderful Harry Potter books. I am writing this for my own enjoyment and hopefully for the enjoyment of readers. Anything you recognize belongs to JKR. The rest belongs to me.
Chapter 93: The Cold Hard Truth
"Lily!" shouted Remus as he dove toward the pile of snow surrounding the red that could only belong to Lily's hair. His shouts were muffled by the howling winds of the storm. He frantically brushed the snow that had blanketed Lily, growing more panicked as he saw the tears frozen to her face and the pale bluish tint to her lips.
"Don't be dead, don't be dead, don't be dead…" he muttered as he tried to shake her into consciousness. Seeing no response, he struggled against the wind to remove his school robes so he could wrap them around Lily, feeling the frosty air piercing though the shirt he wore beneath the robes.
Summoning every last bit of strength he could muster, he gathered Lily and picked her up, stumbling against the ice and the wind. He tried to trace his way back to the castle by following his initial footprints, however those were already growing faint. Fortunately, as the footprints continued to fade, he neared the castle and was finally able to see the rest of the way to the entrance.
After a struggle to open the heavy door, Remus raced inside to the warmth, though his body still felt frigid. He raced as fast as he could toward the hospital wing, slowed down by carrying Lily's weight. As he turned a corner he nearly ran over Lucius Malfoy. He tried to pass around the Slytherin, however Malfoy took one look at Lily's state and blocked Remus's path.
"Out of my way, Malfoy!" ordered Remus, trying to get around Malfoy.
Malfoy took out his wand and sneered at Remus. "What's the point? Looks like you're too late, Lupin. One less Mudblood to contaminate this school. Not much of a loss, now is it?"
Remus, knowing time was critical for any chance of Madam Pomfrey being able to help Lily, was ready to mow Malfoy over in order to get to the hospital wing.
Malfoy, ready for such an attack, raised his wand in preparation to petrify Remus. He had started the incantation when something wet exploded on top of his head.
"Milfie, Mulfie, Malfie, Malfoy!" came a cackling voice. "Loony, Loopy, Lupin!"
Remus looked up to see Peeves floating above them, pelting water balloons at both of them. Startlingly, Remus realized that the only balloons which hit their target were the ones aimed at Malfoy. The ones aimed toward himself missed their mark by inches. Not bothering to stand around and ponder whether Peeves was actually helping or just a quasi-bad shot, Remus took advantage of Peeves's distraction to slip past Malfoy, taking particular care to knock him to the floor as he pushed past. Peeves cackled at the downed Slytherin who was at that point laying in a puddle of water brought on by the balloon assault.
Remus could feel the muscles in his arms straining in protest as he carried Lily the final distance to the hospital wing. Kicking the door open, he frantically yelled, "Madam Pomfrey! Madam Pomfrey!"
The mediwitch appeared from behind a curtain and nearly dropped the potion she was holding as she caught sight of Lily. "My word…" she muttered, before springing into action. "Get her onto that bed!" she commanded, pulling her wand out of her apron pocket.
Remus placed Lily onto the bed, his arms feeling like they had each grown a foot from the long trek carrying her. He saw how pale she was and said, "I found her outside. I don't know how long she's been out there."
Madam Pomfrey waved her wand and pointed it a Lily's chest, incanting, "Cardiosonorus!"
"Is she…dead?" Remus hesitantly asked.
Madam Pomfrey shushed him and closed her eyes, listening intently. After a few moments, Remus heard a very slow, faint 'lub-dub' sound. Madam Pomfrey finally opened her eyes and said, "She's alive, though barely. I need to work quickly. Accio!" she commanded, waving her wand at the opposite end of the room.
Remus ducked as several potions and blankets flew toward the mediwitch. She placed a warming charm on one blanket and wrapped it around her patient. She then transfigured the other blankets into gloves and thick woolly socks. She placed warming charms on them before taking one of the potions and pouring some into each sock and glove.
"What did you just put in those?" Remus asked.
"It's a potion that will help draw circulation to her fingers and toes, trying to reverse the effects of frostbite," she explained as she carefully placed a mitten onto Lily's left hand.
Remus watched as Madam Pomfrey scurried around, checking Lily's vitals and making sure her temperature was coming up in the proper time frame.
"What happened?" came a voice from the doorway.
Remus turned and saw Peter at the entrance, his eyes both blackened and his nose bleeding from a bad encounter with the Mashing Potatoes.
"Lily was outside in the storm," answered Remus. He gave Peter a significant look, adding, "You should find James."
Peter nodded and scurried out of the room.
Remus turned back to the scene at hand, Madam Pomfrey still slaving over Lily's bed. "Is she going to be okay?" he asked.
Madam Pomfrey clucked her tongue and replied, "It's too soon to tell. She was barely breathing when you brought her in here. That plus the hypothermia, I don't yet know how that has affected her brain." She checked Lily's vitals again before adding, "Once her temperature reaches 92 degrees I'll give her something to try to curtail any ongoing brain damage, however we won't know anything for sure until she wakes up. That is…if she wakes up."
"Why can't you give her the potion now?" asked Remus.
"She's too cold," said Madam Pomfrey. "At her current body temperature, her metabolism is too slow for the potion to work."
"Can't you use a warming charm directly on her?" asked Remus.
"I used one on the blankets and gloves. I also used a modified warming charm to slowly warm up her internal organs," replied Madam Pomfrey. "If I use a full warming charm directly on her it may warm her up too quickly, and I don't know if her body can adjust that quickly. I'm afraid you're going to have to be patient, Mr. Lupin." She waved her wand, conjuring a plush red chair next to Lily's bed.
Remus slumped into the seat, before suddenly feeling something warm wrapping itself around him. It was another blanket, charmed liked Lily's had been.
"You need it just as much as she does," said the nurse. "What in Merlin's beard possessed the two of you to be outside on a day like this?"
Remus shrugged, not quite ready to delve into Lily's reasons for being outside with Madame Pomfrey. Frankly, he was stunned and quite confused about the situation. He wondered why Lily would allow herself to be caught in the blizzard - had it been an accident? Or had she been trying to harm herself in some way? He knew that she had been quite depressed since they had returned from the winter holiday. She seldom spoke during their patrols, unless she was forced into it. He had suddenly become the disciplinarian of the two, handing out detentions or taking away points for things that he had normally let slide in the past. Lily had always been the one to stick to the rules.
Remus wondered if Lily would be able to work her way out of the depression, that is if she survived the hypothermia. Something had been nagging at him since the return from winter holiday. He could see that something was eating away at Lily. He had tried to attribute it to the loss of her parents, but he had a niggling feeling that said there was more to the story. It was the same feeling that had led him to discover Lily's secret before winter holiday. He wondered if Lily's depression was tied not only to the loss of her parents, but also to the secret that made her fake her amnesia.
"What happened?"
Remus turned and peeked around the back of his chair to see James standing nearby. A faint layer of sweat covered his flushed face, likely from having run all the way to the hospital wing.
"Wormtail found you?" asked Remus, not quite sure what to tell James. After all, he wasn't sure how Lily had ended up in the storm, and he wasn't sure if she would be okay.
James stared at Lily, her pale face and chapped lips visible despite the many layers of blankets swaddling her. "What happened? Is she okay?"
"I don't know yet," replied Remus. "Madam Pomfrey said it's too soon to tell. I found her outside in the storm." He glanced toward the curtained-off bed down the way where Madam Pomfrey had gone to finish attending the patient she had been with before Remus had barged in with Lily. He turned back to James and said, under his breath, "I saw her on the Map. Her dot was very faint, and I knew that with the storm something had to be wrong with her."
"Why was she even out there?" asked James.
"I don't know," said Remus. "The only thing I know is that Alice and Marlene were looking for her. She hadn't been seen since breakfast."
James felt a knot forming in his stomach, knowing that he had seen her earlier that morning. It looked like she had been going toward the DADA classroom, and when he hadn't seen her there he had figured she had cloistered herself again in her dormitory. He wondered now if he was the last person to see her. She had looked upset when he had spoken with her. He wanted to kick himself, wishing he had somehow known to stop her before she had gotten caught out in the storm.
Remus stood and shed his blanket onto the chair, saying, "I should go find Alice and Marlene. They've been looking for her."
James nodded and took the recently vacated seat as Remus left the hospital wing. He stared at the bundle of blankets on the bed. The pile was so thick it was hard to tell somebody was wrapped inside them. If it wasn't for the lulling heartbeat still audible from Madam Pomfrey's charm, he wouldn't have known Lily was in there.
"What are you doing here, Mr. Potter?" demanded the nurse, approaching Lily to check her vitals. "You get into another mishap with Mr. Snape?"
James shook his head and said, "I wanted to see if she was okay. Is she?"
"Too soon to tell, Mr. Potter," said Madam Pomfrey. She raised her index finger in warning, "Don't go disturbing my patient, now. She needs her rest."
'Rest?' thought James. 'She's not even awake, yet.'
James sat by Lily's side as a few other students trickled into the ward needing the nurse's attention, including Peter, who still needed to have his Mashing Potato injuries healed. While he was getting healed, Remus returned, followed by Marlene and Alice, franticly demanding answers from Madam Pomfrey on how their friend was doing.
With no clear answer to their queries, a tearful Alice said, "I don't understand how she could get caught outside in the blizzard. We knew it was coming. The professors were talking about it at breakfast!"
Marlene sighed and said, "She obviously wasn't listening. She hasn't been paying attention to much of anything lately."
Frustrated, Alice turned on Marlene and said, "I told you that she needed help, but you kept insisting that we wait and give her time to get better on her own!"
"Are you blaming this on me?!" demanded Marlene, with a disbelieving laugh.
"Maybe if we'd done what I wanted and gone to a professor or to the nurse and told them how bad Lily was then this wouldn't have happened," replied Alice.
"Well nobody forced you to keep your mouth shut," retorted Marlene. "You could have-"
"Madam Pomfrey!" yelled James, causing the two girls to pause their argument. "Madam Pomfrey! Something's wrong!"
The nurse rushed over and saw that through the blankets, Lily had started to shiver uncontrollably.
"What's happening?" demanded Marlene. "Why is she shaking like that? I thought you were warming her up!"
Madam Pomfrey clucked her tongue and said, "She is warming up. The shivering is a result of her body warming up. Before, her core temperature was too low for her to shiver."
"I don't understand," said James. "You're saying that her shivering means she's getting better?"
"What I'm saying, Mr. Potter, is that her body is warming up," said the nurse. "While that's good, I won't be able to tell you if there's any brain damage until she wakes." She waved her wand, summoning a potion from her office. She parted the blankets enough to drop ten drops of the potion into Lily's mouth, tapping her throat with the wand to force her to swallow. "This potion will hopefully curtail any permanent brain damage."
"Brain damage?" choked Alice.
"Shouldn't she get some more blankets?" asked Marlene. "What about the warming charms on them? Are they wearing off?"
"Enough, enough!" said an exasperated Madam Pomfrey. "I do not need to be told how to do my job. She is warming up just fine, and there's nothing else I need to do at this point. Miss Evans is going to be asleep for quite a while, so I suggest that you all retire to your dormitories."
"I don't want to leave her," protested Alice. "She needs-"
"She already has what she needs for now," interrupted the nurse. "I can't have you children making a big ruckus in my hospital wing while I have to tend to her as well as my other patients."
"But-" started Marlene.
"No buts, Miss McKinnon," said the nurse. "Back to your dormitories. Or, rather, classes. I'm sure the afternoon classes have started." She waved her wand, conjuring a stack of notes excusing the students from being late. "Come back tomorrow, during visiting hours."
After a few more protests and a couple of warning shots from the nurse's wand, James, Remus, Alice, Marlene, and Peter (whose injuries were freshly healed) grudgingly left. They trudged through the hallways, pausing as they passed a window. Ice lined the edges of the panes, and a layer of steam coated the inside of the glass. Despite that, the students could see the furious movement of the snow and sleet, exaggerated by the wail of the wind as it attempted to sneak through the seams around the window.
Alice felt a chill run down her spine at the sound of the wind, despite the fact that there were wards to protect the inside of the building from the cold. She hugged herself, horrified that her best friend had been out in the middle of the frost. A warm hand landed on her arm.
"She's going to be fine," Marlene assured. "She has to be."
Alice turned and saw the doubt behind Marlene's attempt at confidence.
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The next few days passed by as the majority of students went about their routines. The blizzard had finally passed, leaving a thick blanket of snow to coat the grounds. The barren trees were coated in a layer of ice which glittered in the sunlight. A few students bundled themselves up to make fresh tracks in the snow and charm together snowmen to chase each other around and throw snowballs.
James stared out the window at the scene, remembering how he had charmed a snowman to ask Lily out the year before. She had once again turned him down, though she had cracked a joke about snowmen not being her type. He drummed his fingers on the desk, wondering if Lily would ever get to the point of being able to crack a joke again.
He had been by the hospital wing several times over the past few days, eager to get a report on Lily's progress from Madam Pomfrey. Lily's body temperature had finally returned to normal, and according to the nurse, she had drifted in and out of consciousness a few times, but only briefly.
"Mr. Potter, I suggest you pay attention to your potion before it turns amber," scolded Professor Pilon, "unless you want to spend the rest of the day with singed eyebrows."
James rolled his eyes as she passed and stirred his potion twelve times counterclockwise before adding a drop of thestral blood. It was a rather difficult step for a large portion of the class as they weren't able to see the blood. On the other hand, there were quite a few who could see the dark liquid, recoiling at the idea of why they could see it.
"Stupid hag," muttered Sirius. "Thinks that we care about some stupid stain-removing potion. There are charms that are quicker and easier for stuff like that."
"Hmmph," sounded James. "Probably have to make potions for stuff like that because the Slytherins are no good at charms."
Narcissa Black, who was sitting at a nearby desk, threw him a nasty look. Sirius threw her a fluttery wave and cackled, saying, "Mate, I wish you could have seen their faces the other evening when their potatoes started attacking them."
"Mr. Black!" scolded Professor Pilon. "Ten points from Gryffindor for being disruptive."
Before Sirius could make a retort, a tapping sound came from the door. Professor Pilon waved her wand, causing the door to open and allow a memo fly in folded in the shape of a bird. It floated over to the professor, hovering expectantly as its paper wings fluttered. The Potions professor grabbed it, unceremoniously unfolding it as the paper bird let out a little shriek. She scanned it and then said, "Mr. Lupin! You are to go to the hospital wing right away."
Remus paused in his potion preparation, surprised. "Me?" he asked.
"Yes, you," said the professor. "Madam Pomfrey needs to see you. She said it's urgent."
Remus's potion, not having had the appropriate amount of consecutive stirs, exploded, leaving the werewolf's eyebrows singed just as the professor had warned James about a few minutes earlier.
"Looks like you could use the trip, anyway," smirked Sirius.
Professor Pilon shook her head and walked over to Remus's desk, vanishing his mess and handing him the note. "Take this with you. It will be your hall pass."
Remus gathered his things and gave his mates a glance before leaving, shrugging his shoulders at James's inquisitive look. He had no idea why Pomfrey wanted to see him. It wasn't time for the full moon yet, and he wasn't sick enough yet to see her. The only other reason he could think of was Lily, but he didn't know why Madam Pomfrey would want to see him about her condition. He was surprised to see the nurse waiting outside the hospital wing as he arrived.
"Oh, thank Merlin!" said the nurse, nervously wringing her hands.
"What is it, Madam Pomfrey?" asked Remus. "Is it Lily?"
"I'm afraid so, Mr. Lupin," said the nurse. "She's…she's been awake for several hours now, and she's saying horrible things."
"Like what?" asked Remus.
"She's refusing to take her potions," said Madam Pomfrey. "She just lays there and says that I
should have let her die!"
"What?" said Remus, shocked.
"I've been trying to get her to accept her potions. She still has a lot of healing to do, but she's clammed herself up in her bed," said Madam Pomfrey.
"What can I do?" asked Remus.
"I've tried to talk to her. I know she recently lost her parents," said the nurse. "Then I got more stern with her, demanding that she find someone to talk to, but she still wouldn't listen to me. I finally got frustrated to the point of threatening to forcefully make her take her potions unless she agreed to talk to someone. She was stubborn about it, but she finally asked for you."
"Me?" said Remus, a little surprised. He figured she would have asked for Alice or Marlene.
"Yes," replied Madam Pomfrey. "Now I know it's a big thing that I'm asking of you, but you're the only one she asked for when I pressed her to choose someone. I'm afraid if you can't convince her to take her potions then all her progress could regress."
"Oh," said Remus, wondering how in Merlin's name he could convince Lily to do anything. She was very stubborn when she made up her mind about something. She had been dead-set on keeping the lie of her memory loss secret and had talked him into keeping her secret, at least for the time being.
Madam Pomfrey led Remus into the hospital wing, guiding him toward Lily's bed, which was now curtained off. He parted the curtain enough to see that Lily was laying on her side facing away from him. She was curled up underneath a blanket, though she wasn't under the numerous thick blankets he had last seen piled on top of her.
Madam Pomfrey nudged him inside and said, "Miss Evans, your friend Mr. Lupin is here to visit with you." Not hearing anything from Lily, she added, "Well, I'll let you two catch up. If you need me, I'll be in my office."
Remus stood there for a few minutes, watching Lily as she lay in the bed. She didn't turn over, didn't greet him, and didn't even move. Despite that, he knew that she was awake. "Hi Lily," he finally said. Not hearing a response, he said, "Aren't you going to say hi? Madam Pomfrey said you wanted to see me."
"Why, Remus?" croaked Lily, still facing the opposite curtain.
"Why?" echoed Remus.
A long moment passed where Remus didn't think Lily was going to respond, however she finally muttered, "Why did you find me?"
"Find you?" said Remus. "I don't understand."
"Outside, in the snow," said Lily.
"Alice and Marlene were looking for you," said Remus. "Alice was getting a little frantic looking for you, so I got…" he paused, realizing he didn't want to mention the Map, "I got the idea to check outside. I was lucky I found you."
"I wish you hadn't," said Lily, her voice lifeless.
"What?" stuttered Remus, not quite believing his ears.
"You should have let me freeze out there," she replied.
Remus stood there, shocked at what Lily was saying. A part of him had suspected that her being caught out in the storm was not an accident, but it was unbelievable to hear her say she wish she had died. Tired of speaking to her back, Remus walked around the bed and faced her, saying, "How can you say that? Do you have any idea how many people have been out of their minds worrying about you the past few days? Better yet, the past several weeks?"
"They shouldn't bother," said Lily. "I'm not worth worrying about."
Remus shook his head in frustration and said, "That's not for you to decide! Alice and Marlene have been your best friends since first year, and you're making the decision that they should ignore the past six years and pretend you don't mean a thing?! What about James?"
At James's name, Lily turned over and clamped her hands over her ears. Remus stalked around the other side of the
bed and yanked her hand off her ear. "No! He's been by here hounding Madam Pomfrey for the past few days just
trying to get some kind of update on you. Whether you like it or not, he cares for you, too!"
"Well, he shouldn't!" shouted Lily, sitting up and yanking her hand out of Remus's grasp. "I don't deserve it! I don't deserve it! I don't deserve any kindness from him!"
"Why not?!" countered Remus.
"Because I do h-horrible things!" sobbed Lily. "B-Because I'm the reason his father is dead!"
Remus's jaw dropped as he watched Lily fall apart in front of him. "James's father? He died at the end of first year because of Voldemort and his supporters. You were here. Why would you think you had any responsibility for his death?"
"B-Because they f-found out his location from m-me," sobbed Lily.
Remus sat down on the edge of the bed and shook his head. "I don't see how an eleven year-old girl can be responsible for telling Death Eaters the location of James's dad." When Lily didn't say anything, he said, "Lily, you told me that you faked your memory loss for a very important reason. Does this have anything to do with it?"
Lily sniffed and nodded, pushing her hands over her eyes as if attempting to shut out the world.
"I think it's time you told me the whole story," said Remus. Not hearing anything from her, he added, "This thing has been gnawing away at you for quite some time, and now with what happened to your parents, it's killing you. Tell me what happened." He pulled one of Lily's hands away from her face. "I've shown you that I can be trusted, haven't I?"
Lily nodded and said, "It's really bad, Remus. I won't blame you for hating me."
"I won't hate you," promised Remus. "Tell me everything."
"I can't," said Lily. Before Remus could protest, she said, "I don't really remember everything.
And that memory loss isn't fake. Riddle showed me bits and pieces that night out in the woods at the end
of first year."
"Riddle?" said Remus. "So you're saying you lost your memory, and Riddle gave you parts of it back? Lily, Riddle was a bad man. He probably planted ideas in your head to make you think-"
"No," said Lily. "I had been having blackouts all year. They started after Professor Riddle began tutoring me."
"Tutoring you?" questioned Remus. "I don't remember him giving tutoring lessons to anyone."
"That's because he told me to keep it secret," said Lily. She explained how she had been nervous being a Muggleborn student, wanting to get top grades to prove she was worthy of being at Hogwarts. She told him how Professor Riddle had approached her, offering to give her tutoring lessons to help with her DADA grade, and how he told her to keep it a secret because he didn't have time to tutor a plethora of other students.
"I went to the lessons and when I left, I had it in mind that I had been tutored, though looking back I could never recall what exactly we had talked about during the sessions," said Lily. "I started having headaches and blackouts. I knew something wasn't right, but for some reason I was never able to say anything."
Lily continued to explain how Riddle had somehow influenced her to do things like tearing apart the boys' dormitory room and tipping the bookcase by where Emm was standing.
"That was you?" asked Remus. "I don't see how you could have gotten that gigantic bookcase to-"
"We had just been practicing charms to move things, even heavy objects," said Lily. "Riddle knew the
curriculum, so he somehow influenced me to do those things. If you hadn't been there to push her out of the
way…"
Remus gave her arm a reassuring squeeze and said, "Go on."
"As the year was ending, my headaches were getting worse," Lily continued. "I remember my head hurting so much that I decided to stay inside while everybody else went outside for fresh air. I tried to sleep, I tried to study, but I couldn't focus. I finally decided to go outside for some fresh air to clear my head." She paused, wringing her hands on the blanket before continuing, "The next thing I remembered I was standing in the forest seeing Riddle fire a curse at James. I screamed, but Riddle just smiled and told me everything was my fault. I didn't believe him, but he grabbed me and forced me to look into his eyes." Lily shivered at the memory. "I saw flashes of everything I had done. He was after the ring James's father had given him. Once he knew James had it, he got me to tell him where Mr. Potter was. James had gotten a letter from his dad that week and had confided to me where he was. If I hadn't told Riddle where Mr. Potter was…" Lily stopped, her voice choking up.
Remus gave her arm another squeeze and said, "You didn't remember telling Riddle where he was before that?"
"No!" said Lily.
"Then it's not your fault," said Remus. "Riddle influenced you somehow. Maybe the Imperius…"
"No, I don't think so," said Lily. "I read about the Imperius Curse as soon as I heard about it,
wondering if that was the cause, but it doesn't quite match up. There was a time when I was home and I hadn't
been around anyone magical, yet I still contacted Riddle via Floo to let him know I had seen the ring with James's
father. If it were the Imperius, there should have been someone magical nearby to control the curse."
"So how did you end up faking your memory loss?" asked Remus.
"Professor Riddle had just finished telling me about my responsibility in James's father's death, and he said that he would do the same to James. It was my fault James was in the woods. He had somehow gotten me to convince James to go there," she explained. "James was waking up, and Riddle was starting to aim a curse at him. I couldn't let anything else happen to him. I didn't know what else to do, so I charged Riddle's wand."
"That's when the curse backfired and knocked you out," said Remus. "That's what we thought knocked out your memory."
"I remembered hearing James speaking to me in the hospital wing," said Lily. "He was so sincere, blaming himself for what happened, when it was all my fault. He didn't even know yet what happened to his father," she said, her voice breaking. "All I could think about was how none of this would have happened if I hadn't been close to James. He wouldn't have told me about his father, and he wouldn't have followed me into the woods."
"So you faked your memory loss to protect him?" asked Remus.
Lily nodded and said, "I thought if I could push him away that he would be safe. I knew he cared about me, and I
thought if I just told him to stay away that he wouldn't listen to me."
"James can be pretty hard-headed," Remus commented.
Lily let out a dry laugh and said, "I know. That's why I thought that if I could convince him I couldn't remember being his friend, that I could only remember the awkward boy who had pranked my best friend at the beginning of the year, that I could avoid him enough to convince him to stay away from me."
"Lily," said Remus, letting out a sigh. "You were eleven years old. Riddle somehow influenced you. You weren't responsible for all that happened."
"I should have been able to stop it!" shouted Lily. "Somehow, I should have found a way to stop what he
told me to do!"
"It wasn't your fault!" said Remus.
"I thought I could finally get past it," said Lily. "It was almost five years ago. You had found out about my secret and had urged me toward making peace with James. I even started to follow your advice, right before Christmas, when James asked if we could be more friendly."
"You can still get past this," said Remus.
"No, I can't, Remus," insisted Lily, "because it happened again."
"What do you mean?" he asked.
"My parents…" she choked out. "I think I did something bad."
"You think the Death Eaters influenced you like Riddle did?" asked Remus.
"Riddle was at the house that night," said Lily.
"He what?!" exclaimed Remus. "Do the Aurors know about this?"
Lily shook her head and said, "I don't think so. I only remembered this a few days ago, before I ran out into the blizzard. I came home and he was there with a bunch of Death Eaters. He looked different, less human. He grabbed my head like he did in the forest and looked into my eyes, and that's the last thing I remember." She paled as she looked at Remus and said, "What if he made me do something horrible? Remus, if I hurt-"
"You didn't," insisted Remus. "To use an Unforgivable curse like the Killing Curse you need to really want that person dead. You couldn't possibly have killed your parents."
"Maybe not," said Lily, "but before my mind went blank, I had seen him kill my mum. The green light hit her and she fell over, just like that. One moment she was scared out of her mind for our lives, the next she was lifeless on the floor." Lily paused, trying to collect herself. She took a deep, shaky breath and said, "He made my father slice his own arm. What if he used me to torture my father? What if my father was aware of what I was doing before he died? Oh, God!" Lily finally fell apart, sobbing so hard the entire bed shook.
Remus gave her a hug and said, "You don't know that you did anything. Besides, your dad would have known you would never intentionally hurt him."
Lily sniffed and said, "My sister was right. I should never have come back to Hogwarts. Our parents would be alive if I had decided to stay home!"
"Don't say that," chided Remus. "Maybe you should speak with Professor Dumbledore."
Lily shook her head and said, "No. I don't want anyone else to know about this."
"But maybe he could help you," said Remus.
"No," Lily said more forcefully. "It's too late. My parents are dead, James's father is dead. I can't leave Hogwarts now. My sister won't have anything to do with me, so I have nowhere else to go. I'll just keep to myself until I graduate so nobody else is at risk from me, then I'll find someplace far away and remote to work and live."
"Lily, that doesn't make any sense," said Remus. "You need help to-"
"I need you to promise me you won't tell anyone what I just told you," said Lily. Seeing Remus's hesitation, she added, "I'll be fine, Remus. I can take care of myself."
"Like you did a few days ago when you ran out into a blizzard to die?" countered Remus. "All of your friends have been trying to give you space, but it backfired when you didn't want to live anymore."
"I'm not going to try anything, Remus," said Lily, unconvincingly.
Remus gave her a dubious look and said, "You haven't even been taking your potions. Madam Pomfrey says you've been giving her a hard time."
Lily glanced at the untouched vial of potion Madam Pomfrey had left for her earlier that morning. "I don't need it."
"If you want me to believe you when you say you're going to take care of yourself, then you need to start following Madam Pomfrey's orders," said Remus.
"You know as well as I do that she smothers you until you have to finally sneak out of the hospital wing," said Lily.
"Lily, I thought you were dead when I found you the other day," said Remus. "She said that your temperature was so low that you could have brain damage."
"So you think my brain's too damaged to decide what's best for me?" challenged Lily.
"I won't if you start taking care of yourself, starting with following Madam Pomfrey's orders to take your potion," countered Remus.
Lily gave Remus an icy look before finally relenting, "Fine. I'll take the potion. But don't tell anybody what I told you…about what Riddle did to me."
Remus stood there a moment, pondering what to do. He knew Lily needed help, but it seemed the only way she would agreed to take the potion was if he agreed to stay silent.
Madam Pomfrey entered and gave them a nervous smile. "How are things in here? Has my patient agreed to take her potion?" she asked, hopefully.
Lily glanced at the vial of potion before giving Remus a pleading look. Remus finally gave her a slight nod before she said, "Okay, I'll take it."
Madam Pomfrey handed her the potion, watching her patient gag slightly as she swallowed the bitter tasting brew. "That's a good girl."
"How much longer do I have to be here?" asked Lily.
Madam Pomfrey clucked her tongue and said, "You still have a bit of healing to do. Perhaps in a few days if you keep taking your potions."
"They're disgusting," complained Lily. "They taste like dirty socks."
Remus smirked and quipped, "How do you know what dirty socks taste like?"
Lily yawned and Madam Pomfrey said, "It's time for you to rest, Miss Evans. Mr. Lupin, you may return to class."
"Just one more minute, please Madam Pomfrey?" asked Lily.
"Miss Evans, you need to-" started the nurse.
"I know," interrupted Lily, with another yawn. "It'll just be a minute."
"All right," relented Madam Pomfrey. "But not one second more!"
After she walked away, Lily nervously tugged at the edge of the blanket and said, "Thanks, Remus…for listening."
Remus nodded and said, "I'm glad you finally told somebody. I can't believe you've been keeping that to yourself for all these years."
Lily rested her head back against the pillow, her eyes becoming droopier. She yawned and said, "What happened was horrible…what I did…but please don't tell anybody else." She yawned again, her eyes closing. "Please…"
Remus watched as her breathing became more steady, indicating the potion had finally taken its effect. He tiptoed out of the hospital wing, torn about what to do. When he had learned about her faked memory loss a few months earlier, he had finally relented to keep her secret because he figured he had time to give her space. He thought that if he gradually gave her some gentle prodding that she would eventually tell him what had happened to make her lie.
Now that he knew what had happened, he worried that giving Lily space would lead to a situation where she could hurt herself again. She still blamed herself for Riddle's influence and had expressed to him only an hour earlier that she wished she had been left to die in the blizzard. If he decided to tell Professor Dumbledore what had happened, then he would be breaking his word to Lily, a promise he had made only so she would agree to follow Madam Pomfrey's orders. If he kept silent, then he would hold himself responsible if Lily hurt herself again.
Walking through the corridors, he heard the sounds of other students filling up the hallways. Remus glanced at his watch, realizing that it was lunchtime. As he turned a corner, he saw his mates approaching.
"Moony!" called James, picking up his pace to catch up to Remus. "What did Pomfrey want with you? Did you see Evans? How is she?"
Remus was once again stuck in a situation where he would have to lie to his mates. The previous time had resulted in James's accusations about Remus having a romance with Lily. He only hoped that things wouldn't backfire again. "Erm…Madam Pomfrey wanted to make sure I was still doing okay after being out in the storm the other day. You know how she is…"
Sirius snorted. "I swear that lady has a crush on you, Moony. She can't have you there enough." It was a little joke the boys liked to tease Remus about since Madam Pomfrey always hovered over Remus during the days before and after the full moon.
"What about Evans?" James persisted. "Is she awake?"
Remus nodded and said, "Madam Pomfrey said she woke up earlier."
"Did you see her?" asked Peter.
"I saw her before I left," said Remus. "Madam Pomfrey had given her a potion so she was sleeping again."
"But she's going to be okay?" asked James.
"Madam Pomfrey said she'll live as long as she takes her potions," answered Remus, unable to look at James as he spoke. What would James say or do if he found out Lily's story about what Riddle had done to her, he wondered. What would James do when he found out that Riddle influenced Lily to reveal his father's location, ultimately leading to his murder?
James smiled and Sirius said, "Well, this calls for a celebration. How 'bout we head down to the kitchens for lunch?"
Peter smirked and said, "If eating means you're celebrating, then life must be one big party for you, Padfoot."
"Not a bad way to live, then," replied Sirius.
The boys joked their way through lunch, though Remus's mind was still on the issue of what to do about Lily.
"You okay, Moony?" asked Peter. "Pomfrey didn't try to fondle you, did she?" he joked.
Remus playfully slugged Peter on the arm. "Let me ask you something, hypothetically."
"Okay," said Peter. James and Sirius were charming the house elves into packing more food for a midnight snack later.
"You know about my secret and you've promised to keep it, right?" said Remus.
"Of course," said Peter. "You know that."
"And we've been taking chances during the full moon," said Remus. "We've gone near Hogsmeade, but you, Prongs, and Padfoot have always been able to keep me under control. What if I got away from you guys and you couldn't find me? I could be in danger of harming someone or getting caught and killed."
"But-" said Peter.
"This is just hypothetical," said Remus. "If that happened, and there was a professor nearby, someone you could trust, would you approach him to let him know I was a werewolf and out of the Whomping Willow, even though you had originally promised to keep my secret?"
"But Padfoot and Prongs and I would make sure that you wouldn't get away," protested Peter.
"I know," said Remus, "but what if it did happen? What if there was a strong danger of hurting myself or someone else? Would you approach a professor?"
Peter took a bite of his sandwich and pondered Remus's scenario. "I still don't think you'd get into that trouble, but if you did, I suppose it would depend on the professor. I wouldn't tell Pilon because she doesn't like any of us. But if it were someone like Dumbledore or McGonagall I guess I might."
Remus looked thoughtful.
Peter asked, "Would it make you mad at me? To tell your secret?"
Remus finally answered, "I suppose I would be upset that someone else knew my secret, but if I was a danger to someone else or in danger of getting myself killed then I would eventually understand."
"You don't want to stop leaving the Shack during the full moon, now, do you?" asked Peter.
"I doubt that Padfoot or Prongs would agree to letting me stop leaving the Shack, even if I wanted to," said Remus. He grabbed his things and stood up.
"Where are you going?" asked Peter. "We don't have to be in class for another hour."
"Yeah, Moony," said Sirius, returning to the table along with James and a big basket of goodies for later. "You got a date waiting for you? Madam Pomfrey and a broom closet, perhaps?"
"Enough with the Pomfrey jokes, already!" exclaimed Remus, shuddering at the thought. Over his mates' hysterics, he said, "I just realized Lily's going to be missing some patrols, so I need to make arrangements for someone to cover her shifts. I'll see you guys later."
Remus escaped the kitchen as Sirius was suggesting substituting Madam Pomfrey for Lily's patrol so they could have a late evening stroll in the corridors. His relief in getting out of the kitchen was related to more than his mates' teasing. He felt a knot forming in his gut from the lies he had just told them.
Speaking with Peter had put a lot of his dilemma with Lily into perspective. His pace became more purposeful as he headed toward his destination, knowing what he had to do to try to make things right.
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A/N: I never meant for the huge delay in updates, especially after a cliffhanger, but life can surprise you. My boyfriend proposed to me, so now I'm being kept very busy between making wedding arrangements and keeping a full work schedule. I can't make any promises about how soon I'll get the next chapter out - only that I'll try, and that I will not give up on this story before it is finished. Hang in there! Thanks to everyone who has reviewed and read my story!
So now, in case you haven't figured it out by now, Lily has told Remus her reasons for faking her memory loss. We still need to find out how Riddle was able to influence Lily - it wasn't the Imperius Curse.