One… Faint, Please!
Disbelief was the only word for it. After everything he'd said and done over the years, there was absolutely no way… I wasn't falling for him. Nobody could fall for the guys like him and come out still alive in the end. It was impossible.
At least, that's what I thought when I first realized it.
I dismissed the idea as some kind of fluke- a spell- a trick of the light- anything but what I'd imagined it was.
There was no way that I was in love with James Potter.
Okay, so maybe he wasn't completely horrible looking or incredibly stupid… But he was many things that I'd fought against for seven years. Seven years! My entire school life, I'd been ignoring him and turning him down… Only to find myself in love with him. It just wasn't right.
No- not love… Just like. I only liked him… And it was just a bit.
Not that I realized it right off. It was slow and unsuspected, as most utterly shocking things are- but when I did realize it… Merlin, I didn't know what was wrong. I immediately went to Madame Pomfrey to have her check me up. As it turned out, I didn't have any kind of virus or any damage to my brain, so I set it aside as some stupid little lapse of my intelligence… imagination… thought… something.
My plan to forget the thought worked fine- for about a week. Then, one day, I was sitting in Charms, packing away my things, when I looked up and saw him. He looked so confused- waving his wand about, like he really hadn't heard even a bit of the lesson. I didn't doubt that he hadn't. I watched him struggle for a few moments, before taking a deep sigh and heading over to his table. I hadn't exactly meant to, but I felt that as Head Girl, I should at least help a fellow student in need… It simply wasn't because it was him.
He had his back turned to me, obviously trying to get the charm right, so I took it upon myself to slip into the seat next to him. "Merlin, Padfoot, how am I supposed to do this?!" He ran his hand moodily through his hair and frowned.
"First of all, you're doing the wand movement all wrong." I said. He jumped and twisted around. "And second of all, I'd rather you not confuse Sirius Black with me… It's disturbing."
Sirius Black was James's best friend… Two were practically inseparable. It was a rather rare shock to see the two apart. They were so close, in fact, that most thought the two to be brothers.
"Oh… erm… Hello, Lily."
I smiled slightly. "You looked like you needed some help."
"Oh… Well… I don't-"
"Oh, come on, James, you know better than I do that you have no idea what you're doing." I noticed my slip-up a moment too late… I'd called him James. I never called him that.
He shrugged, but I was entirely positive he heard it too. How could he not? "All right. Show me what I am doing wrong, then."
"You're not really doing anything wrong, it's just the way you move your wand. It has to be one easy wave, sort of, not a sharp jab." I pulled my chair closer to the desk. "Let me see you try."
He laughed weakly and lifted his wand. "Never thought I'd be getting tutored by the infamous Lily Evans." he chuckled.
I laughed and shrugged casually… Or, at least, it might have been casual- if I hadn't bumped into his shoulder… And blushed like a little school-girl. I couldn't just start blushing around someone I'd gone to school with for nearly seven years! Not only that, but I wasn't at all a little school-girl. I was a… a seventh year school girl. And Head Girl, at that.
He had to grace not to say anything about it, though, so I didn't either.
*
In no time, he threw down his wand and grinned confidently. "Thanks for helping me, Lily. I think I've just learned more in the last couple minutes than I have all year."
"Well… I doubt that, but I'll be here anytime."
To my annoyance, it came out rather… flirty. I smiled at his look of surprise and looked away, hoping he hadn't heard it, too. I was a bit surprised, however, that he didn't try to mess up his hair like he used to do when I was around. I almost wished he would. Instead, he just chuckled softly and was about to say something when the bell rang and Sirius stumbled into the classroom, quietly closing the door behind him. He shuffled guiltily over to their desk, looking over his shoulder as he went, probably having just completed some sort of dangerous prank and nearly been caught.
I jumped out of his seat hurriedly and snuck over to my desk before he could say anything to me. Sirius always had something to say every time I was around James, and I'd learned to stay away when the two were together to avoid unnecessary embarrassment.
I grabbed my things from my desk and made to exit the room before anyone else, to avoid an awkward situation, but James caught me. "So… You have Arithmancy next, no?" he asked.
I laughed softly. Was he really about to attempt a civil conversation? Normally, with James Potter, our civil conversations led to him asking me out… Which led to me yelling. Of course, that was before I realized I cared for him.
No, I didn't think that!
I nodded.
"Would you mind if I walked you there, then?" he asked hopefully. It was the first time he'd asked to go anywhere with me since the beginning of the year.
To my surprise, I shrugged. "All right."
He looked taken aback. "You- you… Really?"
"Well… If you don't want to, then that's fine." I said casually.
Just because I thought I liked the guy didn't mean I would lay down at his feet and yell, 'Take me, I'm yours!' Nah, I'd make him work for it, if he still liked me. He hadn't even bothered to ask me out since our sixth year. Merlin, I don't even know if he liked me then- for all I know, he could've been on a dare- ask me until I go on a date, then dump me. Or he might have just wanted to bother the only girl he couldn't get. Who knows?
"So are you going to the game this Saturday?" Yep- he was aiming for the civil conversation.
I decided I'd play along. Besides, I could always take him up on that date if he asked me. "I'm not sure yet." I replied honestly. "I already have four essays to do- and I need to practice the Transfiguration bit… So it depends how much more homework I get today and tomorrow…"
He sighed. I couldn't help but feel bad… Did he really want me to go? It wasn't a Gryffindor game, or anything, so it wasn't like I would miss out on anything if I didn't. "Yeah. Homework."
"What class do you have next?" I asked, after a pause.
"Oh… Care of Magical Creatures."
"Won't you be late?"
He smirked. "Since when has that bothered me? Or you, for that matter." He looked at me over the top of his glasses. I felt like a dozen snitches had been released in my stomach. I blushed slightly and looked out a nearby window as we passed it.
"Then again, since when have I let you walk me to class?" I said quietly.
He made a sudden movement, as if to take my hand, but stopped, like he'd thought better of it. I smiled inwardly.
"That's true." he agreed. His voice sounded slightly strained.
"Well… here's my class…" I stopped and turned to him. Working up what was left of my courage, I bit my lip and looked up at him. "James… Would… would you go to the game with me?" I stumbled horribly over my words and it only made me more nervous. "I don't think the professors will give us too much work, you know, it being a game weekend and all- besides, I can always do it Sunday, if I have to and-"
"I…" he hesitated. "I can't."
"Oh… well, that's okay… Thanks for walking me to class, Potter." With my face burning in humiliation, I disappeared into the Arithmancy classroom without a backward glance, even when he called out my name.
I hurried to my desk at the back of the room and fell into my chair. After chasing me for six years he turned me down? The corners of my eyes were starting to burn, much to my dismay. I couldn't be crying over him…
My best friend, Michelle, slid into the seat next to me and sighed. "I swear- if I have to hear one more time about those bloody… Lily?" She leaned forward in her seat and frowned. "What's wrong?"
I bit my lip to keep the tears from coming. Slowly, I hung my head and whispered, "James."
"What, did you tell him you like him or something?" She opened her bag and pulled out her Arithmancy book.
"How- why… where?"
She looked like she was trying not to laugh. "Merlin, Lil, I was just ribbing you… I didn't think you really… Do you?"
I groaned and threw my head onto my arms, on the table in front of me. "No! Yes! Maybe. I don't know!"
"You know what you need Lil?" Michelle asked. She gazed thoughtfully at her pile of books before stacking them back in her bag. "A little break. You need to do something other than essays." She smiled. "You need something other than James."
"What do you mean?" I muttered.
"I mean that you two have been together every spare moment on your Head duties between your tutoring the little kids and his Quidditch practice. You just need a bit of time away from that. I imagine it isn't all fun."
All her things neatly packed away, she turned to mine. A few spare bits of parchment had fallen out of my bag when I'd thrown it down. "I guess not…"
"You're a good actress. Close your eyes and keep a straight face, all right?" She shoved the parchment into my open bag.
I lifted my head slightly, so I could peek out at her over one arm. "What?"
"Just do it!"
"All right…" I sprawled myself out on my desk and chair.
"Professor!" Michelle called in a worried voice. "I think Lily fainted- may I take her to the hospital wing? She's been looking peaky all day…"
There was no reply, but I could all but hear the professor waving her hand in approval from behind her magazine, like she always did when she got to the gossip section.
Michelle took both our bags and hoisted me onto one shoulder. "Okay, it's fine. She isn't looking…" she whispered.
I opened my eyes and we looked at each other for a moment before grinning and sprinting from the room.
*
"Ahhh… This is nice." Michelle sighed. She was sipping a butterbeer, lounged out on one of the many giant pillows in the room. It was definitely my favourite room in the entire castle.
In second year, after a particularly long and tedious study session with the Ravenclaws in our year, we wandered down to the kitchens, in hopes of securing a midnight snack before we separated and went to our common rooms (Michelle was a Hufflepuff, I was a Gryffindor). While there, James Potter, Sirius Black, and Remus Lupin came in. Michelle and I hid out of sight while they gathered armloads of food from the tiny elves. They were talking about a secret room in the East Wing by the statue of Corgy the Confounded. We didn't even bother trying to pretend like we weren't listening- not that they knew we were there, anyway.
For days, Michelle and I entertained the idea of finding this secret room- and eventually decided it might just be worth it.
Merlin… It was.
Ever since, it had been our favourite place to hide from… people, homework, anything. As far as we knew, the Marauders (as they started calling themselves in fourth year) knew about the room, but only visited it rarely, or not at all. And, as far as we knew, they didn't know we knew of it.
So we had a perfect system.
"So… Did you really tell him you like him?" Michelle asked, plucking a chocolate frog from the pile of sweets between us.
"No… I asked him to go to the game with me." I said meekly. I hid my face behind a box of Bertie Bott's.
"He's off his bloody rocker! What happened?"
"I got done early in Charms… And he looked like he was having trouble, and Sirius wasn't there, so I went over and helped him a bit. I just told him a few things he was doing wrong and showed him the right way… Then he asked if he could walk me to class, so I said he could… Then, right before I went in the class, I asked him."
"And he said no?"
"No- not exactly… He said he couldn't."
"That's all he said? 'I can't.'"
I nodded and pushed the box of Every Flavor Beans away. Sweets didn't even sound good anymore.
"He must be mad. His two favourite things rolled into one, and he refuses… Like I said, he must be off his rocker! That sod…" As she said this, I bit my lip sadly.
"Aw, Lily, maybe because he has loads of work, too. You know how the professors are this year… They have to give us tons of stuff in our N.E.W.T year- it's their job." she said.
I snorted. "The day that James Potter misses a Quidditch game for anything but sheer will is the day Merlin dies."
"Erm… Merlin is dead."
"Oh… right." I rolled my eyes and grinned. "Well, you know what I mean."
"Or do I?"
We smirked at each other. I knew she was getting ready to start a pillow-fight… I could always tell by that face.
So I threw mine first.
*
That afternoon, I went out to the Quidditch pitch to watch the Hufflepuff team practice. Michelle insisted that I go; she forbade me to do any work at all that night. She usually asked me to go to the practices, but I'd never liked sitting in the stands by myself… But she forced me to go, as I apparently needed 'fresh air, a change of scenery, and something to do.' At least, that's what she said. But, as I said, what did she know?
So there I was, sitting in the bottom row of the stands, watching the seven players take their warm-up flights around the pitch, feeling like a complete dolt. Sure, it was nice to not have to do work all night, but that didn't mean I was having any fun.
I didn't really know a thing about the rules, but I knew enough to see that Michelle was a pretty good player. Okay, so the team hadn't done so great on their first game, but at the second one, against Ravenclaw, Michelle had managed to get the Snitch. They were scraping by with just enough points, that if they could win by at least thirty at their next game, they might actually have a chance at the cup. Bad thing was that Gryffindor was the only real competition… And I was completely, undoubtedly for Gryffindor.
I sighed uncomfortably and laid back on the bench. "Wonder if she'd miss me if I left…" I said to myself, staring up at the pink and blue sky.
"I would."
I sat up hastily. I knew that voice… I'd know it anywhere. James. "What are you doing here?" I asked, without moving.
"What, am I not allowed at the pitch?" I tilted my head back a bit, to look at him. He shoved his hands in his pockets and looked carefully at me.
I shrugged and got to my feet. "Guess you are. I'm sure there are a set number of hours you have to spend here a week, and since you won't be here Saturday, you have to make up for it now, no?" I turned my back on him to watch the practice again. I wished they would get done soon, so Michelle could save me from the uncomfortable situation I was in.
"Lily…" he frowned.
I turned to face him. "What?"
"It isn't that I don't want to go with you- believe me, I do… It's just that I have… something else to do. Something I can't really get out of."
Our eyes locked and I realized just how tall he really was. And his eyes… They were so intense and… I felt like I could just fall into their depths. I knew he wasn't lying.