Four… Always, Always More
Over the next few days, the thing I couldn't seem to get was how… back-to-normal Zoe seemed. I wasn't sure if she was really okay, or if she was just putting up a façade, so no one could see her real emotions.
I was positive, however, that she stuck to me more. I don't mean she stuck to me in an annoying, bothersome way… I mean, she went everywhere with me- besides classes- and we talked and had pillow fights with Michelle, just like Petunia and I used to do with our friends.
Oh, how I missed my sister. Even after all the cruel words and snubbing I'd received from my older sibling, I still loved her more than anyone. I missed the days when we would play dolls with each others friends, or paint our nails… We were always inseparable. Mum and dad used to joke that we were joined at the hip.
And I'd ruined it.
That day, Petunia and I were outside, having a contest to see who could hopscotch for the longest. Whoever lost was going to buy a book that we both wanted from the new bookstore, though it didn't really matter who got the book, because we would both end up reading it anyway. We shared everything.
It was Petunia's turn, and she was almost to counting a hundred hops (which was my record), when mum came outside. "Lily! Get in here, please!" she sounded quite shocked. I couldn't imagine why, I'd been good all week. Petunia fell over on count one hundred and one, as she looked in shock over her shoulder. She knew I hadn't done anything, too. We were always together, how could either of us not know?
"Coming, Mommy!" I shrugged to Petunia. "I'll be right back, Pet."
Petunia came running over to me. "If she's trying to say that you're the one who dipped Maggie's hair in paint, tell her it was me."
"I can't tell on you!"
"Well, I didn't really do it…"
"Maybe that's not even what it's about." I frowned. Then I remembered something I'd done earlier that week… One of the boys at school was laughing and making fun of my braids at recess, while Petty was over talking to her teacher, and I told him to be quiet… He started to say something, but found his voice so scratchy that all he could do was croak. Maybe I was going to get in trouble for that? I hadn't really meant to do it. I giggled in spite of myself.
"Lily!" mum called, louder.
It was the last time a friendly word had been exchanged between the two of us. Mum and I went to find the so called 'Diagon Alley' that day, just to see if it was real… We came back with armloads of spell books and funny looking things. Pet was there in her room, staring blankly at the wall.
"Hey, Petty, come look at all these neat things!" I cried happily, bouncing over to her. Her stony glare moved to the window. "Pet?"
"You're leaving me here." she growled, eyes locking on mine. I'd never seen her angry… It scared me.
"But, Pet, it's a place where I can learn all sorts of spe-"
"Don't talk to me about that place!" she snapped. "Go away, you little brat."
The iciness in her voice reached my heart… And broke it into a million pieces. She was my sister and I loved her… And she was angry with me. I wanted to crawl up in her lap and hug her, listen to her say she was sorry.
I didn't.
I stumbled blindly back to the door, tears clouding my eyes, my lip trembling.
And ever since, when I came home for the holidays, all I got from my once loving, fun, carefree sister was an icy glare, maybe a harsh word or two.
And every time I did…. I felt my heart break into a million pieces.
"Ms. Evans?"
"Yes, Professor?" I asked curiously, slipping a bit of parchment in my book to hold the place.
"May I talk to you for a moment?"
"Yes, ma'am." I placed our plant tray under our table. The class filed out, wiping bits of dirt and leaves off their cloaks.
"I've noticed how much time Zoe Henderson is with you… I'm worried about her. Does she ever talk about her family?"
"No ma'am…" I sighed. "She talks about anything but that, though. And she likes me to make her laugh at lot, so I do."
"Her grades are suffering in every class but one... Transfiguration."
I bowed my head. "James Potter tutors her in that class… But I haven't even noticed any differences in her since she found out they were… well, since then. She seems to laugh more, though… I don't understand it. She won't even talk about Sammy."
"Ah… well, I've never had to do this before, but I'm going to recommend to her that she gets a tutor for my class- would you mind if I suggested her to you? You're one of my best students." Professor Sprout asked meekly. She smoothed out a wrinkle on her robe and looked at me expectantly.
"I wouldn't mind at all, Professor." I smiled, after a slight pause in which I gaped at her.
"Thank you, dear, I knew I could count on you."
I forced a smile and picked up my book bag.
"I'll see you next Tuesday, Ms. Evans."
I nodded politely and opened the door to the greenhouse. Once outside, I closed the door with a click and rested my head against the wall by the door. I would go mad if anything else was added to my schedule. I barely had any extra time as it was, with Head duties, tutoring other students, homework, and now, more tutoring. I was almost beginning to regret being Head Girl.
Almost.
"What's the matter?" James asked, from behind me. Apparently, he'd waited. I smiled in spite of myself.
"More kids to tutor." I groaned, not moving, though I still had a bit of a smile on my face.
"In Herbology?" James snickered. "What kind of-"
"It's Zoe."
"Oh."
I sighed and turned to him. "Am I completely sane?"
"Completely? No. But almost." He winked at me. "Anyway, come on, let's go up to the castle, I'm hungry and we're having pumpkin pie."
"You're always hungry and we always have pumpkin pie." I nudged him lightly in the shoulder with mine.
"Exactly my point." he grinned at me.
I rolled my eyes, completely aware of how close we were walking.
*
"See? And that's all there is to it." I said happily.
Zoe nodded. "I don't see why Professor Sprout thought I needed a tutor in Herbology. I've just had a rough week of it." She grinned at me- though I noticed it didn't quite reach her eyes for once.
"Well, you know, it's a professor's job to worry about their students." I shrugged.
"Yeah. 'Cause if they didn't, then what else would they do, eh?"
I laughed. "Something like that."
"So… After you went with me to Transfiguration, I saw James come up to you. Did he walk you to class?" She tried her best to sound casual… But I knew she was dying to ask more.
"Oh, you know, he does that sometimes."
"He's been doing it more lately, though, because Tuesday, I saw him walking you to the castle back from Herbology, and you two were ages behind everyone else."
"I had to talk to Professor Sprout, so he waited for me, because we had to discuss our duties." Now I was the one trying to sound casual. She'd caught me…
"Oh?" Zoe giggled. "You like him! And he obviously likes you. Everyone but the two of you know it." She sighed. "I wish I was so lucky."
"He doesn't like me!" I shook my head. "And I don't like him, either! We're friends." I added, as an afterthought.
"You do like him, don't you? Come on, Lily, tell me! I'm like your sister, now, anyway." She put on her most innocent face and gave me a pleading look.
"Zoe, you turkey!" I cried, referring back to our joke. "That's not fair."
"How is it not fair! Just tell me, please?!"
"Argh! I will, but only if you'll tell me-"
"I tell you everything, already!"
"Everything?"
"Everything."
"I don't think so."
"I know so. Now stop stalling and tell me, Lily Evans!"
"You are too… too… stubborn for a first year, Zoe!"
"I know you are, but what am I?" Zoe sang. She giggled and sat back down on the bench. "Fine, if you'll tell me, then I'll tell you something, too."
I rolled my eyes, acting like it wouldn't bother me either way… Truth was, I thought that any bit of information as to how she felt would be nice. She hadn't talked about Voldemort or her family since the day I found her in the corridor. "Okay, okay… Deal. Yes, I like him. But it's only a bit!" I fell next to her on the wooden bench.
"I knew it!" she held her arms above her head victoriously. "Okay… what to tell you…" She bit her lip thoughtfully and stared at the potted plant at her feet. "Well, I've got two, but I'll tell you both."
I nodded eagerly.
"I… I'm scared to see Sammy. What if he asks me why they died? What do I tell him?" she asked softly. I looked up, quietly, trying to read the expression on her face. It was one of sadness, peace- and… relief.
"Tell him the truth." I said gently. "He's old enough that he'll understand, Zoe. Anyway, doesn't Dumbledore always say that the truth is preferable to a lie? Don't you believe that?"
Zoe shook her head. "I know this is going to sound very… Well, I don't much care what Dumbledore says anymore. He can stuff all of what he thinks where he-"
"Zoe…" I whispered. "Listen to yourself. This is what Voldemort wants, when he kills people… To make those of us who know what is right and are willing to stand up for it argue and fight with each other. He wants us all to distrust each other, so that no one knows who they can go to anymore. I don't know about you, but I don't want to give him the satisfaction of getting what he wants-"
"The other thing I promised to tell you is that I like Jonah Abbott. Do you know him?" she said, suddenly sounding very cheery. I sighed and let my shoulders fall.
"Yes. I know him. He's cute." I said dully. "Look, it's late… We'd better go up to the castle."
*
I got back to my dormitory, planning to fall on my four-poster and stay there, for the next day, the next week, the next month, even- until I got a decent amount of sleep.
I was just throwing my book bag down on the floor next to my trunk and preparing to dive into the squishy pillows, when Nora bounced up the stairs, humming. "Lily?" she called.
With a groan, I turned slowly. "Mm?"
"James is asking for you."
"Can you tell him that I'm… sick, tired, doing homework, dead, something?" I fell on my trunk, forgetting that it was open. "Oi!" I gasped, falling into the open trunk.
"Oh… You poor thing." Nora hurried over to my part of the room to help me out. "Do you really want me to tell him you're sick?"
"Well… what does he want?" I asked, falling weakly back.
"No idea."
"Argh… No, I'll just go see what he needs, if it isn't anything too serious, then I'll tell him I've got loads of homework… Which is the truth, anyway." With a groan, I heaved myself out of my deep trunk. "Since when is my trunk so big?"
Nora laughed. "Lily, you aren't very big. I imagine it only seems bigger because you just landed yourself in it!"
"Right… I'm going now." I grumbled, going to the door of the dormitory, yawning and stretching along the way.
I could feel Nora's thoughtful eyes following me all the way out of the room… was she thinking along the same lines at Zoe had? Zo had said that everyone but James and I knew it…
What I couldn't decide was if I was going to be the one to do something about that.
*
"I still can't believe that Lily Evans, Head Girl and all around number one student forgot she had a Prefect's meeting! Pretty much directing it, too, as the Head Boy isn't much help." James teased.
"Yeah, well, I think you would, too, if you had as much stuff as me to do… I'm going mad." I yawned (not for the first time in the last five minutes).
"If you ever need any more help with that Transfiguration, I'm sure Zo and I can find time to tutor you, too." James chuckled, holding a tapestry aside for me.
I laughed with him, but it quickly died out. "I miss her."
James sighed. "She's still there… Just in a different way, Lil."
Despite my mood, I smiled… Now, every time James called me Lil, I couldn't help it. I'd never allowed anyone to call me that- even Pet, when we were still close- but I almost liked it when James did… It confused me. "Is she?" I whispered.
James's steps faltered. "Lil…" he said softly, putting his hand on my arm.
"What?" I said, hardly louder than before… I sounded slightly hysterical. I felt it, too… Though I couldn't explain it.
"You told Zoe not even three hours ago that what Voldemort wants is to tear us all apart… To have us fighting- arguing- mistrusting each other. You also said you didn't want to give in to that. Don't you remember?"
"How'd you know that?" I asked faintly.
"I talked to her before I had Nora come get you. But that isn't he point-"
"I'm good at consoling other people… not myself! I can say the things, it hardly means I believe them!" I cried. Tears welled up in my eyes, much to my bewilderment. "I'm just so… and my family… Pet never… and then, I… ARGH!" I stamped my foot on the concrete floor of the corridor, crossing my arms. "I can't even say what I want to." I said weakly, looking miserably up at James… Surely, he thought I was mad.
But he was watching me with concern and understanding. He looked at me for one long moment before putting his arms around me, in an assuring hug. "I'm here for you, Lil." he said gently in my ear.
I closed my eyes, a chill running up and down my spine. "Thank you." I barely managed to say. Then, I did something that surprised both of us- though I'm not sure which was more shocked… I kissed him on the cheek. "Thank you." I said again.
When we finally pulled away, he looked at me carefully. I sniffed and glanced awkwardly down the corridor. At least I hadn't done what I'd wanted, and kissed him on the mouth… That couldn't have been good.
Suddenly, he broke into a warm smile. "It's late and you're tired…" he said.
If I still hadn't been pondering that kiss on the cheek, I might've noticed the way his eyes were sparkling at me… And I might've just liked it.
We didn't talk much on the way up to the tower, each of us more content with our own thoughts… but it was one of those comfortable silences that we both seemed to enjoy. I did, however, sneak a few peeks over at him… The light that was shining in through the windows as we passed them cast a silver light over his messy hair and thoughtful face… I never loved the moon as much as I did that night.
Before I knew it, we were at the portrait, and James was saying the password to the Fat Lady.
The Fat Lady, however, was paying no attention to him… She was looking at me with narrowed eyes. "Dear, are you-"
"Lion's pride!" I said loudly, glaring at her, presently hating everything about her all the way down to the lacy pink frills on her old-fashioned dress.
"But-"
"Look, we've said the password, now will you please open the bloody portrait!" I cried impatiently.
She shrugged. "All right."
"And stop looking at me like that!" I snapped, arms crossed again.
She smiled and shook her head, as though we were two old friends, joking with each other. I, on the other hand, was getting ready to whip out my wand and curse her portrait. No matter if she wasn't alive… No matter at all.
"Lil?" James said cautiously. I got the impression he was smiling, trying not to laugh. "She opened the portrait…"
"Right." I shook my head and laughed quietly. "Sorry," I said to the Fat Lady before scrambling through the portrait hole.
James, chuckling, followed after me. "Hey, Lil," he said. On the other side of the common room, I saw Nora and Kendra look up in interest. I ignored them.
"Mm?" I turned to look at him, feeling in a much better mood.
"Just so you know, I forgot about the meeting, too. Zoe reminded me." He grinned apologetically.
I stared at him. "Imagine how it would have looked if neither the Head Girl or Boy showed up for the meeting!" I said, laughing.
James smiled. "Anyway, I'll see you tomorrow. Good night." His eyes were fixed right on mine.
I smiled back (feeling strangely shy) and nodded. "Night." I backed slowly away… Only to run into one of the tables. "Oh, sorry!" I cried.
A large group of second and third years smiled up at me, varying levels of curiosity and amusement written over their faces.
James laughed. "Night, Lil." he said softly, watching me go.
I looked back up as I reached the girls stairs; he was still in the same place, hands in his pockets in that casual way that I loved about him. He smiled at me, before I turned and ducked shyly up the stairs.
Once around the first corner, I stopped and rested my head against the wall. It had definitely been a weird night… One minute, I was crying and sad, the next, I was kissing James Potter on the cheek, hugging him… Then, I was walking down the corridor with him, feeling awkward and embarrassed… Then, angry at a portrait of an old lady, ready to curse her… Then laughing, nervous, and shy.
Sense when was I shy?
It just didn't make sense.
The moment I reached my dormitory, I was all but attacked by two of my best mates as they ran up after me.
"Lil? He calls you Lil?!"
"We can't even call you that!"
"And you didn't curse him!"
"Wait till we tell Michelle!"
"You two sure get along better than you used to…"
"Quite cosy, actually…"
"But really, Lil?!"
"Lil!"
"He calls you Lil!"
I laughed and looked shyly down at the floor. "Yeah, he calls me Lil." I blushed. "And… really… I don't mind at all." I winked at the two gaping girls and skipped cheerily over to my four-poster.
I realized the giant squid wasn't so much better, after all.