Eight… A Matter Of Time
"Lily… I want to give you something before you go." Zoe said timidly, so that I barely heard her over the uproar of the platform.
I half-smiled at her in response, but didn't let it reach my eyes. I didn't feel like smiling. I didn't even feel like talking to her.
"It was my mother's…" she whispered, pulling a small green book out of her book bag. She stared wistfully at it for a moment, before taking a deep breath and holding it out nervously. "But I want you to have it."
"Zo…" My voice cracked (probably because I hadn't used it since the night before, and hadn't tried) and tears welled up in my eyes.
"Promise me one thing." Zoe said. I looked at her. "That if you ever need to talk to me, you will… I know I'm just a little first year and all, but you've been there for me, Lily, and I want to be there for you. I just want to help… You're like my sister- you're like my family. You and Sammy are all I have left… I want to help you the way you helped me, okay?"
I nodded, unable to do anything else.
"Well… Owl me if you need to… I don't care when it is." Zoe smiled encouragingly. "I know how it feels." she said softly- so softly, in fact, that I barely heard.
I raised my eyes. With another small smile (this one a little more heartfelt), I reached up and ruffled her hair, like I had done so many times before. "Thanks." I whispered.
"I have to go, Sammy is waiting… But I'll see you soon, Lily." She looked over my face carefully for a moment and disappeared through the crowd. I watched her go in silence, my white hands clinging weakly to the book. When she was out of sight, I closed my eyes and hung my head. We really were like sisters.
Slowly, I opened the cover of the book. Inside, was a note, hastily written.
Zoe, my dearest. I've had this book for many years- keeping it with me at all times, so that maybe, one day, I might give it to you. I wanted you to be able to read my thoughts, to know
I guessed the writer had been Zoe's mother… I could see her scribbling in her beloved book in the last few moments of her life, so that Zoe might know how much she loved her. She hadn't even gotten to finish the bit to Zoe! I felt the familiar sensation that my heart was being broken… Yet again.
I slammed the book shut and pushed it into the pocket of my jacket… The one I'd been wearing since the night before. I was wearing all the same clothes, as a matter of fact..
I needed to go home.
Even if I had no home to go to… A house… yes, but no home.
I only wanted my family back, just like Zoe.
Sadly, I heaved my trunk on a nearby trolley and pushed it through the barrier, entering the muggle world… alone.
*
With a deep sigh, I walked through the rooms of my once familiar and beloved house… Now cheerless and cold. Chairs were overturned, hex marks streaked the floor… But the one thing that nearly made me melt into pieces was a picture that usually stood proudly on the mantel. I saw the plastic frame that Petunia and I had so carefully painted years ago… But it was in pieces on the floor. The glass was in shatters everywhere… in the fireplace… stuck in the carpet… under the window. I kneeled down on the hearth, where, ripped carelessly down the middle, was the picture of my family… Now gone, forever lost to me.
Biting my lip, I pulled out my wand and tapped the picture (was I even allowed to do magic out of school yet? I didn't know… or care). My mum and dad smiled cheerily up at me, arms lovingly around each other. Petunia was standing next to them, hands clasped politely in front of her. I was sitting on the floor, a book in my lap, grinning innocently at the camera.
I turned sadly around my bedroom… I hadn't been there in ages. The room was still the way I'd left it, all the way down to the pile of magazines spread around the floor.
The only thing that I noticed was different were the sheets on my bed… Mum must have changed them after I left. Feeling fresh tears stinging my eyes, I curled up on my bed with the old quilt mum had made for me all those years ago.
Exhaustion overwhelmed me and within moments, I gave way to a hazy dream, full of smiles and love… and James.
Another thing I missed more than life itself… but didn't seem able to have.
Couldn't just one good thing happen for me?
*
The next morning, I woke to the loud tap of an owl slamming its beak on my bedroom window. I groaned and rolled over, not really caring who the letter was from. I didn't recognize the owl, anyway, so I wouldn't have to feel bad if I just didn't take the letter.
The owl, however, didn't seem to want to take no for an answer, as it only tapped louder.
I shifted so that I could glare at it with one eye, which obviously didn't faze the owl. He only glared back, wanting me to take the letter, so he could go home.
I rolled off my bed and stalked over to the window, my head swimming… My only thought was to get that blasted owl to stop tapping.
With a sigh, I yanked the casement open and snatched the letter from the owl. After a quick nip on my hand, it flew away.
I scowled after him for a moment.
But then, my anger faded. Surely, being cross with an owl wouldn't help me feel better… or bring my parents back.
I started to close the window, but changed my mind, just in case there were going to be more owls… Then, at least, I wouldn't have to get up again. Never mind how cold and wet it was outside.
My name was written on the front of the parchment… It was from Nora. I couldn't even force myself to open it.
Instead, I dropped the letter carelessly on top of my desk and fell back onto my bed, face-first.
I could feel a dull ache in my head, and one in my stomach… though I wasn't sure if I was sick, or just extremely hungry. I couldn't remember eating the day before…
Really, I couldn't remember much of anything that had happed the previous day, except that I had somehow managed to get onto the Hogwarts Express without facing any of my friends… I knew I had wanted nothing more than to avoid them, so avoid them I had.
And done an excellent job of it…
But I couldn't help but wish that I had spoken with James, at least… or just seen him, even.
*
By the time Wednesday- the day of the funeral- had come, I was exhausted- not only physically, but mentally. I hadn't had any proper sleep since before I had come home, hadn't eaten a real meal since before that, even, and hadn't seen or spoken to anyone since Zoe on the train… It didn't help that I couldn't cry over their deaths, either. I felt like I should have, but I couldn't. All I felt was numb.
It was horrible.
And seeing the pile of letters and rolls of parchment that people had written to me didn't help. By the second day, I had to clear it all off the kitchen table, because I couldn't even see the top anymore. I didn't even open any of it, I just brushed it all into the trash bin. More came everyday, too… By owl in the morning, by muggle post in the afternoon… even by personal delivery in the evening.
It seemed that every person my parents had known, every far off acquaintance knew about the "accident."
From what I gathered, the muggles all thought the house had been broken into, that my parents had been shot… I cringed the first time I heard it. They couldn't really believe that lie, could they? But they did… and I was almost envious of that. I wished I could believe that their deaths could have been an accident- I wished I could have believed it to have been for any reason but what it was… My fault.
And the casserole didn't help. Every person that stopped by the house seemed to see fit to bring by a large dish of casserole.
I had never seen so much casserole in my life- and never wanted to again.
I gave up even answering the door at all when the buzzer rang, I just let it ring. Even if I did answer it, I didn't say anything, I just half-listened as the person went on and on about how sorry they were, how they would do anything they could for me, how they knew my parents so well… Then, I had to let them hug me or cry on my shoulder, while I handed them a tissue.
Never once did I speak, though.
My only consolation was the fact that no one demanded me to. I was grateful of that, if of nothing else.
*
Friday morning, I got up early (though I hadn't gotten much sleep, if any at all), and started getting ready… for the funeral.
I pulled out all the stops to look nice… I fixed my hair, did my make-up (with a spell, of course, though I still wasn't entirely sure if I was allowed), polished my nails…
It was the last time I'd ever see my parents; I had to look nice, for them.
Even if I knew how miserable I would feel, having to look into their cold faces, knowing it was my fault they had died.
If it wasn't for me, Petunia might have remained that sweet little girl we had all known her to be…
Our family wouldn't have fought as much…
I would have never put them all in danger…
I would have never had to argue with my mother as to whether or not I should go back for the next school year every year…
My parents wouldn't have died as young as they did…
The three of them could have been happy.
*
There was silence.
Complete silence.
The kind of silence where you could literally hear a pin drop, if someone had half a mind to drop a pin in a funeral home.
Thankfully, no one did, or I might have exploded.
Everyone had already gone up to the coffins, to say their good-byes, Petunia being the very last one. It was quite a shock to find that she was still alive; I thought she'd been at the house the day that… the accident happened. And oh, how she glared… It made my heart ache even worse, just to see the glare I received from my sister.
But I thought that after everyone had seen the person (or people) in their coffins, they were supposed to leave… to go to the cemetery. Apparently, I was wrong, though, because every one of those people returned to their seats… And I felt like they did it just so they could sit there and watch me. There wasn't much to watch, either, as I obviously wasn't saying, doing, or feeling much.
But you know, now that I think about it, I might not have even heard a pin hit the ground… I wasn't really paying much attention to anything, like I said.
So many people were there… No wonder we'd had so much casserole. My parents knew more people than I thought. Then again, I was gone half the year, so I wouldn't know… But I could feel the eyes of every person there on my back. It was almost unnerving… But I ignored it. I couldn't do anything but ignore it…
I was just standing.
And staring.
I couldn't help but do nothing- and stand between the two coffins, staring at my parents.
They looked so… peaceful.
I had to know if it was real… Slowly, I stepped closer to mum's coffin and reached out to touch her cheek…
Instead of the usual warmth and motherly glow she always had on her rosy cheeks, I only felt coldness…
She was dead.
I glanced over at my father, but couldn't bring myself to touch him, too.
Not only was it real… it was too real.
Yet again, I could feel my heart breaking…
And, not for the first time, I wondered if it would ever stop.
*
I wasn't sure if I was more relieved or upset that I was finally feeling the tears.
Actually, I was more than feeling them. I was shedding them.
I had been since the moment I left the funeral home. I couldn't even go to see them lowered into their graves… I couldn't watch the cases being shut… I couldn't have stood to see the flowers being thrown on their magnificent mahogany caskets… I just couldn't.
So I ran…
And ran…
Until I got home, where I immediately proceeded to my room, to toss what few belongings I had out of my trunk back into it.
I couldn't stay there, in the house… it was so empty and forlorn… and cold.
And very full of casserole.
*
I stumbled my way up the stairs, not really seeing the steps in front of me. "Please be there, James… Please…" I whispered. He had to be there… I had to see him.
I tripped over the last step, losing my balance. I put my hand on the wall for support and knocked on the door to the seventh year's dorm. "James!" I tried to say, but it came out as nothing more than a whisper.
"Who is it?" someone called… After a moment, I recognized the voice as Sirius's.
I tried to answer again, but couldn't quite find my voice. I silently pleaded someone to open the door… I needed James…
"Who is it?" Sirius repeated.
"Ah… Moony? You wouldn't get that would you? Neither of us can… at the moment."
My heart leapt… James!
"Well, I guess we could…" he continued.
"And would most likely be attacked, depending on which of our newest stalkers it is…"
"I dunno… The older ones can be quite scary…"
There was a loud snickering, followed by a sigh, much closer to the door, and footsteps.
I swallowed hard and tried to smooth my hair a little. Biting my lip, I waited…
The door swung open and there Remus Lupin stood, looking slightly annoyed and tired.
But his face quickly faded into one of shock and concern. "Lily?" He said uncertainly, taking a step forward. He put out his arm, to help steady me. "Are you-"
"Who is it, Moony?" Sirius called. "Did you say Lily? She can't-"
"Lily?" James repeated curiously. "Lily's here?" More footsteps. "Lily!" James's face appeared over Remus's shoulder.
He ducked under his arm and put his hand on my cheek.. "What's wrong? What happened?" He looked very worried.
"What is- Lily? Why… Are you all right?" Sirius asked. His hair was dripping around his shoulders, and he was wearing only his boxers…
Remus's hair looked wet, too, though he was more sensibly dressed…
I looked at James and realized that instead of boxers, he was only wearing a towel.
Despite my present state, I couldn't help but give a half-smile. "Was in the neighbourhood…" I rasped.
"Merlin, James, don't make her stand there all evening…" said Remus. He was already across the room, clearing a space on one of the beds.
James shook his head. "Sorry…" he muttered, putting one arm around my shoulders to help me across the room, to the bed that Remus cleared.
I closed my eyes and leaned back against the headboard. It felt good to be sitting still… It felt like ages since I'd been on the Knight Bus (which wasn't all that comforting, come to think of it).
"Wait here a moment, okay, Lils? I'll be right back…" James gave my hand a squeeze and went to the foot of the bed, where he pulled a pair of sweats and a t-shirt out of the open trunk.
Remus handed me a cold goblet and smiled. "You okay, Red?" he asked, calling me by the nickname he'd given me the year before.
"I'm…" I trailed off. I couldn't lie to Remus, he was my friend… Then again, I couldn't tell him the truth, though I was sure he already knew.
Instead of replying, I stared into the fire across the room. I'd never really noticed before the different shades of blue it got, especially where it was the hottest… Or the way the flames swirled and licked at the logs…
I could hear Sirius shifting around on his bed, probably trying to clear enough space to sit as he pulled a t-shirt over his bare chest.
It was too bad I hadn't had a fire the day before… It would've been a nice way to rid myself of all those casseroles…
Remus smiled in understanding. He knew.
He climbed up on the four-poster next to me. "It's okay, Lily…" he whispered, pulling me into a comforting hug. "We're all here for you, you know…"
I felt yet another tear make it's way down my cheek…
I was sick of crying…
Of hurting…
Of aching.
I felt the mattress sink slightly on my left. "Lils?"
I wanted to reply; the softness of the person's voice wanted-no- pleaded with me to reply, but I couldn't. I simply stared into the fire.
The fire was warm… I liked warm things better than I did cold. Cold had always seemed empty… and lonely. Almost like our house… Which really wasn't ours anymore… I certainly couldn't share it with Pet. So maybe it was mine… Or was it Pet's? No, she lived with Vernon…
Mum's cheek was cold, too.
No, I decided. I didn't like cold.
"Lils… what happened?"
At this, I stirred, trying to tear my eyes from the flames. I couldn't, though… It wouldn't let me look away.
I dimly noted that someone's hands on mine. Warm hands… warm hands like fire. "Lils- talk to me!"
That voice was very familiar…
"Lils!"
At this, I shook myself and blinked.
"James?" I found myself staring into his eyes… Oh, how I loved his eyes. They were warm, too.
He breathed a sigh of relief. "What happened to you, Lils? Why aren't you-"
"I couldn't look at them. I couldn't watch. I wouldn't watch." My voice broke and I stared down at my thumb, realizing for the first time that I was still wearing the black dress I'd worn to the funeral… My hair was still pulled back, for the most part, but I imagined my make-up looking nothing like it had that morning.
I expected James to ask something- to ask anything- to ask everything, but he didn't. He simply nodded in understanding. "It's okay, Lils…" He said gently, squeezing my hand.
"James? Do you want me to get Pomfrey?" Remus asked quietly. He was sitting, unmoving at the foot of the bed, looking rather pale and worried.
In fact, he was very pale… Was it close to the full moon?
"She-"
"No… Don't get her, please…" I pleaded. "I'm fine… I just need-"
"Sleep," James cut me off, smiling sympathetically.
"More water," Remus added.
"And food!" Sirius finished, doing his best to grin.
I smiled at his effort to make me smile; I had always teased him about eating so much.
"But no nurse." I looked at James with beseeching eyes.
"We'll see." he sighed. "Hmm… Dinner isn't for another hour or so. Heh, we weren't planning on going, anyway, were we? Well, it looks like we'll have to make a trip down to the kitchens… Padfoot? You can get that. Moony-" He gave Remus a pointed look.
"I'll stay here with Lily." He nodded. "No problem."
"And I've got something to do… We'll be right back, Lils, I promise."
James looked at me, hazel eyes dark- was it with relief or concern? Either way, I knew he wouldn't let anything happen to me… And I loved him for it.
Yes… I loved James Potter.
It would only be a matter of time until I would… or could say anything.
I watched as he rummaged through his trunk-- the one at the foot of the four-poster I was on-- and pulled out a slip of parchment, along with his invisibility cloak (I'd known about it since fourth year, when I'd tripped over Remus and Sirius one night just outside the kitchens).
"Right back." he repeated, leaning over to kiss me on the cheek.
I closed my eyes and leaned forward to bury my face in his neck. "Thank you." I whispered, wrapping my arms around him. Merlin, did he smell good…
He pulled back after a moment, smiling as he traced my jaw with the very tips of his fingers. "Take care of my girl for me, Moony."
At this, my heart fluttered. His girl?
I was his girl?
I liked that…
Immensely.
"Need anything special?" asked James, eyes sparkling in that way that only James's could.
I thought for a moment before sighing. "Can you get me anything for a broken heart?" I said, barely above a whisper.
But I didn't need to say it any louder, they all heard. I knew, by the serious expressions each wore… And I knew that they would all do anything they could to help me.
I also knew I could never thank them enough.
*
"So… what have I missed since I've been gone?" I asked lightly, trying not to look at the fire.
"Well… You know how the Marauders are… I don't think we've ever pranked this much in our entire Marauding-years…" Remus laughed, but I noticed the way his eyes didn't meet mine.
There hadn't been any pranking… at all… and we both knew it. But why?
"Look- erm- Lily?" Remus bit his lip and stared at his left foot. "You knew we all wanted to go with you to the train Sunday. Why'd you leave without at least a good-bye?"
I sighed. "Because… I didn't want any more people telling me how sorry they were… or how I could go to them if I needed anything…" I did my best to lie; even I didn't know why I'd left the way I had, I just knew that at the time, I wanted away. "I just didn't want to hear it, you know? I wanted to be alone… So I was." Our eyes met. "I only saw Zoe as I was getting off the train- and only because she cornered me… I haven't said anything to anyone since her, and, well…"
"And you haven't wanted to." he completed for me.
I smiled gratefully. "Sorry." I took a deep breath.
"No, I understand… Or I think I do, at least." He laughed quietly. "Either way, whether you want to hear it or not, we're all here for you."
I leaned forward to hug him again. "I know. And it means loads to me… But I don't want to talk about my parents- or my week since Sunday. Let's talk about something happy." I said hopefully.
"All right…"
He looked thoughtful for a moment, before a bright smile lit up his face. "So tell me, Lils," He grinned wickedly and I knew what he was about to say. "Tell me… how long have you been Prongsie-boy's girl? Or fancied him, for that matter?"
So he wouldn't see my reaction to this question (a blush that could be considered a very, very deep crimson), I turned my head… and my eyes fell upon the fire.
He saw it anyway.
My thoughts swirled, just like the fire did, dodging around the logs… I did fancy him, didn't I? But, as I'd thought before, it was more than that…
I loved him.
"Me fancy James Potter? We're friends, Remmy, that's all. You and I are friends, aren't we?" After a short nod from Remus, I continued. "Well, so are James and I." I said, once I was sure my voice wouldn't shake too much and give me away… I was fairly sure, however, that Remus knew me better than to believe my words. I knew I didn't…. But I wanted James to be the first one to hear how I felt about him… Not one of his friends.
Instead of replying right away, Remus stared into the fire, too. We sat together in contemplative silence, each with our own thoughts, until the door swung open and Sirius came in, arms loaded down with enough food for all four of us to eat- and have some to spare.
"Merlin, you can't help but love those elves…" He grinned our way and tipped the food onto his (now clear) bed. "James not back yet?"
Remus and I shook our heads.
"Oh… That's strange-"
At that moment, the door swung open again and James came in, looking very happy about something.
"You may not admit to fancying him now, Lily, but he sure as Merlin fancies you. I've never seen him as worried over someone as he has been over you these last few days… And he's certainly never snuck into the Hospital Wing for a potion for anyone before. What is that? Dreamless sleep? Ah, that one is practically impossible to get with that Pomfrey nut around," Remus whispered in my ear as James walked proudly over, a vial in his hand. "Well, I take that back… He more than fancies you… And I think you more than fancy him, too." With a smirk that said all too well that he knew he was right, Remus leaned back against the bedpost again.
"Lily, are you okay?" James asked, sitting at my side.
"Oh, I'm fine, now…" I choked.
"You look flushed."
"Just need… need some water!" I spun around to find the goblet I'd had before. I needed anything to keep my mind off what Remus had just said. Was I that obvious?!
"It's just a matter of time…" Remus said knwingly, grinning at James's look of puzzlement.
Next, I suppose James handed me some of the food Sirius had brought up, though I don't exactly recall much… But I do remember the way my heart skipped a beat (or two) and how my stomach was full of butterflies… all because James took my hand and put his arm around me.
It really would only be a matter of time.
*
*
A/N: Yay for me! I'm posting again. Bet you're all so happy? Hmm?
I like this chappie. Of course, I like Remus, so I guess that's why… *grins and looks away innocently* Always have, I suppose. Anyway, I do believe there are a limited number of chapters left, so review while you can…!