Six… From Two For One
I knew for a fact that Hogwarts had never felt quite the way it did throughout the week and a half (or so) after James stopped talking to me.
I know I never did.
Sure, there were the entire six years before when we were constantly at odds- where he would try to smile and flirt with me, and I would ignore him, turn the other way, and hit him with the coldest remarks whenever I could- or just hit him when I felt like it.
But those fourteen days were completely unlike the previous fights we'd had.
And none of them effected me quite the way that one did.
Everyone noticed it- from the students, to the professors… to the ghosts. Yes, even the ghosts noticed something was up with the Head Boy and Girl.
At breakfast (or any meal, for that matter), there would hardly be any laughing at the Gryffindor table- which, under normal circumstances, was the loudest of all- but there was an uncomfortable silence. The feeling of awkwardness even seeped over to the other tables, where people either spoke in whispers or didn't speak at all. Any classes that James and I had together were more tense and strained than a Slytherin-Gryffindor Quidditch game; James would say something, or answer a question from the professor, and I would try to up him by one… and vice versa, while our friends sat back and shook their heads. We would argue over the tiniest of things, trying to be louder than the other with every word spoken, to the point that we both received a detention... On four separate occasions. In classes we didn't have together (which was only twice a week- the same class), I stayed in my seat, fuming at my parchment, scowling when someone asked me a question; I was told that James did the same thing when I wasn't around. When we passed each other in the hall, we would glance haughtily at one another and keep walking… But the strained air was still there, and anyone who wasn't entirely dense could feel it, see it, hear it… practically taste it. Once, my friends and I came down from our dorm to study in the common room, books tucked under our arms, and had only just gotten settled in one of the far corners, when I heard someone saying my name. I didn't even need two guesses to know who it was. I looked up to find James lounging near the fire, glaring in my direction, talking in tones that were none-too-hushed to his friends (all of whom looked rather uncomfortable and tired). Slowly, the attention of everyone in the common room was on James, as he stood up, talking about how much happier they'd all be, if only "certain people were to leave… preferably to find some other cozy spot with their smarmy Ravenclaw boyfriends." After letting his words soak in for a moment, I stood, too, just so that he might think his words didn't move me… when really, they did- more than I liked to think.
One by one, the others in the room noticed I was there, too, so they began muttering excuses to leave, trying to do so in the most unobtrusive ways possible, lest the attention of the infamous James Potter or Lily Evans be turned onto themselves… Everyone had learned to leave the two of us alone during the "Two Week War," as Sirius so expertly coined it later.
After a few moments, we were the only two there, along with our friends.
Four rows, seven curses, one slap and about forty swear words later, I gave up and fled to my room, completely dissolved in tears… I hated fighting with James Potter, in a way that surprised even me… I wanted nothing more than to go to him and apologize, but I knew there was nothing I could say just then that would make him forgive me; I wasn't even too sure what I would be apologizing for, as I didn't know what I'd done wrong.
But then… Finally, almost two weeks after he'd stopped talking to me, I realized what it was.
*
"No… that can't be right." I argued back, frowning down at my parchment. "Do you even know what you're doing? Transfiguration is your worst subject, too." I sighed. I wasn't in any mood to be messed with. In fact, I was sorely wishing Benjy would just leave and let me finish studying in peace… It wasn't the first time he'd cornered me and not let me have any way to escape… And I had tried, Merlin knows.
"Yes it is," Benjy laughed. He thought I was flirting when I argued… I felt sick to my stomach as he put his hand over mine. "Just look…"
Gradually, I tuned his voice out. What was I doing here, with him of all people? I knew I didn't want to be with him. I hadn't even meant to accept his offer to go to Hogsmeade… I should have told him before then, too.
"And this is-"
"Look, Benjy, I can't." I interrupted.
"Can't… what?" He smiled, completely oblivious. I would've thought that for a Ravenclaw, he might've been a little quicker to catch on.
"Do this. I didn't even tell you I wanted to go to Hogsmeade with you. You assumed I did. I was trying to say that I wasn't planning on going- still don't, in fact." I said, trying to keep my voice calm. For some reason, I had the strange urge to cry. I'd felt like that the entire time James and I had been fighting.
At least I'd finally figured out why.
"Why not?"
"Benjy, you and I are nothing alike." I said patiently, trying to word it so that I could get away feeling like I hadn't hurt either of us. "I mean, really, think about it. You like classrooms and books, I like friends and people. You want to spend your Saturday with some girl you don't even know a thing about in some town we've been visiting for the last four years... You know, I think every single one of us could find our way around Hogsmeade blindfolded. And me? I really don't want to go at all." I sighed. "I just want to be with people I care about… I want to spend a day with my friends."
He only stared back. After a minute, he shook his head. "Aw, now, love, come on-"
"You have obviously missed it every time I have slapped guys for calling me 'love' over the last six years, too. I do not like when people call me that, I do not want people to call me that, and I certainly don't want you to try and beg me to go tomorrow. Do you even know what tomorrow is to me?"
"Saturday." he said matter-of-factly.
"That's what I thought." I smiled-- the first real smile in two weeks-- as I gathered my books. "Well, Benjy, I'll be seeing you around. Enjoy Hogsmeade tomorrow."
I took my time leaving the library, smiling at random people as I passed. Sure, James might've still been mad at me, but at least I had one thing off my mind.
"Hey, Lily!"
I turned as Benjy ran up to me.
"Yeah, Ben?"
He took my hand and kissed it. "I'm sorry. I've been a bit of a prat these last few days. I just really want to get to know you- any bloke would be wild to- you're smart, pretty, nice… funny. You've always looked like someone who would be really cool to hang out with. I guess I didn't exactly listen to you when I asked you to go with me to Hogsmeade. I wanted to ask you before Potter did, though… As long as he's around, there's not much of a chance for us other blokes." He smiled at my look of puzzlement and kissed my hand again. "Tell me something, though?"
"Anything." I said, still trying to understand what he meant…
"I've seen how much you and Potter argue here lately-"
"You and all of Hogwarts…" I muttered.
"-and it really gets to you, doesn't it?"
I thought for a moment. "Yes, it does… I've always hated fighting with my friends." I sighed.
"You're close?"
"We were… or are. I'm not sure which."
"Talk to him, then."
I nodded slowly. "I will… if he'll let me."
Benjy laughed. "Well… Thanks for almost going with me. I've had fun these last two weeks." He pushed a piece of hair out of my eyes. "See ya." With a wink, he headed back to our table.
As long as he's around, there's not much of a chance for any of us other blokes…
As long as he's around? He wasn't really around, was he? I wasn't with him…
It really gets to you, doesn't it?
It must've… Surely I wasn't unhappy and tired all the time for no reason…
You're close?
Wish we were closer…
There's no chance for any of us other blokes…
I didn't even know if James knew he had a chance! I hoped he did…
Talk to him, then.
Much easier said than done.
I turned to leave the library (for the second time), but ran into something solid… I fell back, dropping my books and quill. "Ouch.. S-sorry!" And found myself looking up into the solemn gaze of none other than James Potter, himself.
Of course.
And by the look on his face, he'd heard every word that had passed between Benjy and I. In fact, I didn't doubt he had.
Our eyes locked for the first time in… I couldn't even remember how long. I felt like I was drowning in the deep hazel- but realized I didn't mind… Drowning in his eyes was a feeling that was warm and comforting… yet untouchable and indefinite. I felt all my worries floating to the back of my mind for later use- petty little things that could always wait for another day. Nothing was important when I looked into James's eyes. Nothing, that is, except James himself.
Somewhere to my left, I heard the southern-most door of the library open… footsteps… and a faint whisper of, "Lily!"
With a small shake of my head, I tore my eyes from James's and mentally cursed myself. What was I doing, lying on the ground, in the middle of a pile of books, staring up at some bloke who wouldn't even talk to me? I hurried to gather my books and parchment.
I knew my quill was somewhere behind me; pushing myself up on my knees, I turned to grab it, but found it already extended to me… by a very muscular, tan, defined hand.
James was kneeling on the ground near me, holding out my quill, having retrieved it for me.
I took it timidly, the pad of my thumb barely brushing against his hand. "T-thank you…"
"No problem-" he said uncertainly.
"Lily!" A voice whispered urgently. I jumped again and turned to look up at Zoe Henderson. "I've been looking all over for you! Professor McGonagall asked me to give this to you today in class- but I didn't see you before last period or at dinner, and the girls said they didn't know where you were…"
"Thanks, Zo." I took the roll of parchment from her as I brushed off my robes and got to my feet. I looked over my shoulder just as the door clicked shut. The moment with James had passed… If you could call it a moment.
"I think it's about tonight. Don't forget to go…"
"To what?" I said blankly. I felt weird inside, like my insides were all marshmallow. Very weird.
"You have your first detention…"
I grinned at her, suddenly feeling much better. "Ah… yes, about that." I'd forgotten.
"Well, that's what I'm for, isn't it? To remind you of your Head meetings and detentions."
"You're a turkey." I ruffled her hair with my free hand.
"Well, this turkey has to go, but I'll see you tomorrow morning, Lily."
"Tomorrow morning? What's tomorrow?" All thoughts of James and what he heard vanished from my mind.
"Saturday?"
"Ah… I guess." I nodded. "Bye."
I smiled as I unrolled the parchment. A thought had occurred to me when Zoe said I was to have detention… James was going to be there, too… And there was certainly no way he could get away from me if I tried to talk to him. He might fight back, and argue, as was normal for the last few days, but that didn't mean he could completely ignore me for the entire four hours or so…
Then again, from the look he had in his eyes only moments before, I wasn't too sure I was the only one who missed having my best friend…
Best friend? There was a time when I had even refused to call him a friend… Were we just friends? I didn't know if there was something more, though I decided right then and there that I wouldn't mind if there was… I wouldn't mind at all.
*
If I thought the detention wasn't going to be that bad, that I'd get to talk to James, and everything would turn out right… I can honestly say I've never been more wrong in all of my seventeen years; the detention was absolutely… suffocating, to say the least. I couldn't even think of another word for it, unless the word is "torture." Yes, that might be true enough…
The silence might've been helped by the fact that we had Professor Clark (Head of Slytherin House and least liked professor at school) breathing down our necks for four hours as we scrubbed the dungeon desks… Or maybe it was what we were trying to remove from the desks: bits of dried dragon liver and snail intestines from the desktops… Or maybe it was just the sharp remarks from the professor as she criticized our every move, screeching "You missed a spot!" when things got too quiet… Or maybe, just maybe, it was a nasty combination of all three.
Not that it was completely horrible… There were a few moments where Clark was actually at her desk (of all places!), and out of our faces… and I caught James looking at me, his hazel eyes dark and apologetic, neat eyebrows knitted together with concern, a half-frown on his face as he watched me scrub.
Every time I caught him looking, I would blush all the way down (or I guess it would be up, wouldn't it?) to my fiery locks and look back down at the desk I was supposed to be poring over… Really, I wanted to throw my arms around him and apologize profusely, but I feared that if I tried to speak, I wouldn't be able to, that I would lose every thought I previously had, that- if I could even find the words- that I would roll over and wake up from my dream.
It would be a good dream, too, if only I could get the Head Boy to forgive whatever I had done.
But, as my luck would have it, I didn't get the chance to apologize…
The only time I even got close was when Clark finally released us. We had only just picked up our bags and were all but running for the doors, when I looked over at him.
"James?" I said timidly. He lifted his eyes to mine and smiled. "I just wanted to tell you that-"
"Evans!"
"Yes, professor?" I stopped, but didn't turn, knowing full well that I would never be able to apologize. We kept being interrupted every time I got the bloody chance.
"Kindly bring your bag back and take a seat." Clark said firmly, looking (if not glaring) at me over the top of her glasses.
I turned back to James, disappointment clearly etched on my face, and smiled.
"What were you going to say?" asked James. He looked hopeful.
I blinked. "I-"
"Ten points from Gryffindor for not doing what I said, Evans. As for you, Potter, I want you to get back up to your dorm room before I take more points. Now."
I sighed and waved to James before turning back to my Potions professor. "Yes?"
Apparently, someone still needed to clean the brushes… Even the tools to scrub needed to be scrubbed.
Kinky old professor.
*
The first thing I did on the seventeenth (the Saturday of the Hogsmeade visit) when I opened my eyes was look round for the owl, Merlin (I'd named her), I'd gotten for my parents a few years back. Merlin was a gift, a way to help them understand our wizarding ways a little better. That, and my mum and dad were always saying they wished they had a way to write me more often.
I was a little disappointed when I didn't see her there, at my window. Every year, since I'd given her to them, she'd been waiting patiently for me on my windowsill the morning of my birthday, a gift tied to her legs, a white lily and a letter (my favourite part) in her beak. Occasionally tapping the window if I was sleeping longer than usual.
I looked forward to that part of my birthday; mum would always say something extra special in the letter, some needed piece of advice that she wanted to share, something that I would read and think about (and put into effect) as often as I could upon learning it. I think I just needed some sort of advice even more that year.
I glanced at the clock at my bedside. Maybe my parents hadn't gotten up yet. Yes, that was it, they weren't up yet to send anything. That, or Merlin was on her way, even as I sat there. It was only ten o'clock, after all… Wait… Ten? I never slept in… Merlin, I must have been exhausted from that detention…
"Morning, Lily." Nora yawned, breaking me out of my reverie. She was peeking out at me from under her thick covers.
I smiled half-heartedly at her. "Morning."
"How was detention? Horrible?"
"Just about…"
"What'd you have to do?" She stretched her tan arms out in front of her lazily, crumpling up her short black hair as she did.
"Scrub…" I bit my lip, staring reproachfully at the little pool of icy water and muck that was collecting on the base of the window (on the outside)… It was a rainy day- my favourite, and I didn't even feel like going out in it.
"Something wrong?" she asked concernedly.
"Just tired, still," I shrugged, not wanting to voice my thoughts. I'd never been one to look or ask for any extra attention, and I certainly wasn't one to ask for people to wish me a happy birthday… I wanted them to just know. I didn't want to have to remind them.
"I'm going to take a shower, I think…" I sighed and took a fresh pair of jeans and a dark green sweater out of my trunk. With one last look out my empty window, I hurried across the cold floor to the loo. I would've thought that out of all people, Nora, the observant one, the listener, the giver-of-advice would have remembered what December seventeenth was… If not, I wasn't going to be disappointed. It was just my birthday, anyway… The one where I was to come of age…
Nothing big.
*
"Hey, Lily."
I smiled. "Hey, Remus…" I handed him a plate as he took the seat across from me.
"Lovely day, isn't it? If you have a rain fetish, that is." he smirked at me, pulling a copy of the Daily Prophet out of his bag.
"Mmm… lovely." I tilted my head back, to look up at the enchanted ceiling. The sky was a stormy grey… just the way I liked it. I settled my eyes back on Remus's. "Why aren't you in Hogsmeade?" I asked lightly (almost suspiciously).
Remus was insightful and observant enough… Surely he remembered?
"Ah, well… Sirius is off with a girl- left me early, Peter is following James around, naturally. But, as you know, James isn't much of a morning person. He got up a little on the tetchy side… I guess because of the detention. Says it went horrible. But since yesterday, he's not been as bad- I think he's realizing no one likes him like this." He grinned wolfishly up at me. "So I'm on my own for today. Figured I'd go to Hogsmeade and refill my stash." He smiled. "Of sweets, of course."
"Oh… Well, he was right, detention was horrible… We couldn't talk at all- Clark was breathing down our necks the whole time… Not that he'd have spoken to me if I tried, anyway… but, you know…"
"Want to talk about it?"
I shrugged and reached for the bacon… My fingertips were barely brushing the edge of the plate. With a frown, I fell back in my seat. I couldn't even eat the food I wanted.
Remus smiled patiently and handed me the plate with ease.
"Sod…" I muttered.
He only chuckled, however, and leaned forward again. "You miss talking to him, I know."
"I'm sure that's why he does it."
"No, it isn't." Remus said thoughtfully. He laid the newspaper on the bench beside his bag. He bit his lip for a moment before looking up at me. "I've noticed something about him. In all the time that I've known him, if I had to use one word to describe him, it would be persistent. I've never seen him give up on something without perfectly good reason… Now, I have seen him get confused… or stumped on something. When this happens, he has to take a step back and rethink things. He almost always needs time, just to look at his situation."
So that's it? He was confused… "You're saying… that I confused him?" I asked slowly.
Remus paused. "Something did, yes." He poured himself a goblet of pumpkin juice. "But… this time, I don't think he knows what to do, even though he has thought about it, so he does all he can think of, and argues with you. It's his way of…"
"Figuring it out." I said quietly.
"Yeah… Figuring it out."
My shoulders fell. This was going to be next to impossible. "So what do I do?" I frowned down at my plate, then up at Remus. "I don't even know what set all this off in the first place… Well, I might know, but I'm not sure."
He went back to looking thoughtful. "Well, if I were you, I'd go to him. It's the fastest- and best- way to settle any argument, don't you think?"
"You're such a great friend, Remmy. Do you know that? I dunno what we'd all do without you." I smiled in relief and put my hand on his arm. "Thank you."
"Anytime, Lily. Anytime." His amber eyes softened and crinkled slightly as he smiled. "You're not so bad, yourself, you know." He winked.
"Oh, please, I knew that already." I squeezed his arm before standing up. "Well… sort of. Anyway, have fun in Hogsmeade." I waved and turned to make my way back up to the Gryffindor Tower…
I wasn't going another day without talking to James.
In the entrance hall, I considered going to Hogsmeade, to find James and force him to listen… But then, I remembered my next detention was only a few hours away… And, like I'd planned for the previous one, I could always trap him there.
He certainly wouldn't be able to get away from McGonagall.
At the top of the marble staircase, I had a thought…
I had a detention on my birthday.
How ironic.
*
*
A/N: *cackles and grins* Soo… It's only been, like, six months. Do you hate me enough to not review? I hope not! I'd love to have loads of reviews. Why? Oh, I think I could compromise your reviews for a new chapter. *grin widens* Yes, I believe I'm evil, or so I've been told… So get those fingers to typin'! *wink*