Unofficial Portkey Archive

How Many Ways Can A Heart Break

Nine… Barely

When I opened my eyes, the only things I could hear were soft snores and the occasional rustle of blankets. It surprised me that I was the first awake, after taking so much of the potion… But it seemed that my three friends had stayed up long after I had. I couldn't see them having a good time while they were at it, however, and that only made me feel worse.

Sirius and Remus were comfortable in their own beds (large stacks of brightly wrapped presents at their feet, some spilling off the bed… like James's were)… James, on the other hand, was sitting in what looked like a rather uncomfortable position in the wooden chair he had pulled close to the side of the bed I was on (which was undoubtedly his). One of his masculine hands was up on top of the covers, near my smaller one (the sight of which I both liked and enjoyed), his legs were stretched and tucked somehow under the four-poster, and his face was turned towards me (another thing I was quite pleased with). His eyes were closed (naturally), but as I watched, they fluttered slightly, like he was dreaming.

I couldn't help myself as I leaned forward to look into his face… I realized than that I'd never gotten the chance to have a proper look at James's face. Not a real look, at least… And certainly not while he was sleeping.

But I wasn't quite satisfied with looking. I wanted to feel his face, his skin… I just wanted to feel James. So I pushed myself up on my knees and crawled a bit closer, so that if I made a sudden movement, I might fall off the mattress. Thank Merlin I didn't.

But just as I touched his cheek with my fingertip, he shifted in his sleep. His look went from one of peace and contentment to one of confusion and pain. I felt my heart ache for him. I could never let him hurt! I couldn't let him be in any sort of pain, not as long as there was something I could do.

I stroked the side of his face with my hand and pushed a few strands of his dark hair out of the way. He shifted again, turned his face so that it was just a tiny bit closer to me… I couldn't resist any longer. No one would ever know…

I brushed my lips against his ever-so-lightly, in a gentle, affectionate kiss… "It's okay, James… I'm here…"

He stirred again, but his expression cleared.

I sighed and touched his lips with the pad of my thumb. If only he had been awake.

But hadn't Remus only said it would be a 'matter of time?'

I only wished time would move a little faster.

As if on impulse, I glanced over at Remus's bed.

He was there, and very much awake, watching me with a soft smile on his face, his eyes burning with curiosity. I blinked shyly and cuddled back up under the covers, turning my back to him so he would know to leave me alone. He was far from being asleep.

"Lily?" he said softly.

I couldn't have missed the triumph in his voice.

Or the happiness.

Instead of answering, I pushed back the covers a bit and carefully threaded my fingers in with James's, a timid, slightly embarrassed smile on my lips.

*

I hadn't planned on falling back asleep, but I did. It wasn't for very long- but it was long enough for Sirius (who was not a morning person) and Remus (who I didn't imagine had gone back to sleep, like I had) to get out of bed, get dressed, and start opening their presents.

James had only just begun to stir when I opened my eyes for the second time that morning. Before he even opened his eyes, he reached up with his hand to rub them sleepily.

It wasn't long before he seemed to realize the… position of his other hand.

Slowly, he opened his eyes, looking at our clasped hands on top of the blanket. Once the first look of surprise faded, his face went blank.

I timidly drew my hand back, ashamed that I hadn't been smart- or quick- enough to do so before he had seen. I was fairly positive Sirius and Remus had already noticed. Both were in their own sections of the room, grinning and whistling to some tune (I think it was a song from the popular all-wizard band, Organized Chaos) and opening presents. Not to mention the looks they kept sending in our direction.

I watched as James's eyes focused steadily on the place our hands had been not a moment before, until they went to my hand, up my arm… and up to meet my gaze.

If I'd been standing, I might have melted into marshmallow, just from his chocolaty eyes. Which would have made a very large mess of chocolate-marshmallow goo.

I swallowed nervously and gave him a weak grin. No need to look nervous, just because I was… right? "Morning… and Happy Christmas." I said softly.

He blinked. A slow grin crept onto his face. "Sleep okay, Lady Lily?"

"Just fine, thanks." I laughed nervously. Okay… So maybe I could keep my face mostly casual, but my laugh… I couldn't help that.

His eyes roamed over my face. "Feel better?"

"Loads." I answered. That was the truth.

He nodded happily, stood, stretched, and walked backwards toward the dormitory bathroom (so that he was still looking at me). "Guess I should… ah… yeah." He winked and was gone.

I fell back on the pillows and smiled at the top of the four-poster. Time didn't look like much of an issue, after all.

An amused cough and a rather loud rumpling of paper to my left caused me to jump. Sirius grinned perceptively in my direction while Remus tried to look innocent.

I smiled bashfully and crawled out of bed.

"Going down to breakfast with us, Lils?" Sirius asked. You could always count on him to know when the meals were.

"Breakfast ended… fifteen minutes ago." Remus sighed. "It always ends earlier than usual on Christmas, for the feast." Maybe Sirius didn't always know… "But anyway, we have loads of sweets here, from the looks of it. And we can make a kitchen-swipe."

"Gonna be there for that, then, Lils?" Sirius asked, grinning his brightest grin.

I shrugged. "Want to see what the two of you got me for Christmas first." I winked playfully, putting my hand on the door to leave. "Maybe after that."

"What about my gift?" James emerged from the bathroom, looking rather nice in a pair of fresh robes and a grin.

"We'll see… Happy Christmas, boys!" I said brightly.

But as I neared the bottom steps of the boys dormitory, I swallowed. Hard.

There were bound to be people in the common room, I knew it. I didn't know how many people had stayed for the holiday, but in light of recent events (meaning all the attacks led by Voldemort), I didn't expect to see very many.

Luckily, there weren't (I figured there were only about twelve or so), and no one noticed me until I neared the girls stairs. That's when I started getting the looks. The sympathetic looks; of course, people were wanting to come up and tell me how "terribly sorry" they were, which I didn't really care to hear. I'd heard enough of that. There were also the worried looks; I suppose some people were afraid I might collapse in the middle of the common room, because of my present state. Not likely. There were the surprised looks, too; everyone thought I'd gone home. I couldn't really blame the people who were looking at me like this. But I only saw one happy look.

Nora was sitting across the common room, with a couple of fourth years (one of them was her cousin), playing a game of wizard chess. Her entire face lit up when she looked up to see why everyone had stopped talking.

I smiled and waved at her. I didn't honestly feel much like talking to her just yet, but I didn't want to run off and not talk to one of my friends… Anyway, I'd already done that once.

I waited up for her on the stairs, only just past the door, so I would be out of view of the common room.

"Lily!" she cried, pulling me into a tight hug.

I smiled and hugged her back. She was truly happy to see me, but I knew it would only be a matter of seconds before…

"Wait." Suddenly, she pulled back. "What were you thinking, running out of here without even a good-bye?!" Her green eyes narrowed.

I smiled innocently. "Aren't you happy to see me?" I said meekly, preparing to run away just in case.

"Well, yes…. Oh, Lily… Are you okay?"

I did my best to smile, but I could feel the tears at my eyes again.

But she didn't give me time to answer; we were already on our way to the dormitory. She knew I didn't really want to talk about it.

Within moments, the dormitory room door was thrown open, two of the beds were pushed together, first years were sent to find both Michelle and Kendra, and all of my favorite blankets were drawn out of my trunk (which James had been kind enough to send up… without anyone seeing, and only Merlin knows how).

But the first-year-messengers had only been gone a matter of seconds when two bright-eyed, messy-haired, pink-cheeked seventh years tripped their way into the room.

"LILY!"

"OH MY GOD!"

I smiled a watery smile at my two best friends and prepared myself for a very large hug.

"Oh, I would have just killed that little kid if he'd been lying… But I must say, he came at the most convenient time…" Ken grinned guiltily, reaching out to touch my arm, as if to be sure I was really there. "McGonagall was just getting onto me…"

I smiled sadly, but it quickly slid off my face. "Oh, guys… I don't know what to do…"

Michelle smiled sympathetically and put her arms around me again. The others followed suit. "It's okay."

"There was just so much black…" I whimpered. "And casserole…"

And at their politely puzzled looks, I knew that I had much explaining to do.

*

"Lily?"

"Is she-"

"But… I thought…"

"Did you hear about what happened?"

"Parts of it…"

"You-know-who-"

"Got her parents?"

"Yeah…"

I kept my eyes on the end of the hall, not daring to look at the fifty or so students gathered around their house tables.

If I looked at them, I knew I'd cry.

And crying was something I could not do… in front of them, at least.

I had to show everyone I didn't care what they said, how many rumours they spread. I would show my strength. I was Head Girl, after all.

"I heard the Dark Lord tried to get her on our side…" But a small knot of Slytherins to my left made me stop dead in my tracks. "…and she refused. That's why the muggles died. Personally, I think our world is better off because of it. What use would a dirty mudblood be to us?"

Okay. I said I wasn't going to cry… And I wasn't! Not in front of them, at least. So, in the calmest manner possible, I turned on my heel and went right back the way I came, head bent to hide my face.

"So… 'strue, right, mudblood?" A Slytherin seventh year by the name of Arnami Zamb curled her upper lip in my direction as she drew her wand.

I wrapped my arms tighter around myself and kept walking, but she kept following me. I felt the tears stinging at my eyes now, and an angry fire welling up inside.

We were nearing the oak doors but she was still pounding after me. The rest of her friends had straggled behind, bored with chasing the Gryffindor Head Girl. It was only once I was out on the first step when I realized Arnami had been talking to me, probably throwing every taunt and threat she could think of my way.

"… damn it, mudblood-Evans, don't you walk 'way from me!" she hissed, pushing the huge oak door shut with a resounding thud.

I turned sharply on my heel (much like I had done in the Great Hall) to face her. At that moment, a hex went right by my left ear.

I didn't even flinch, but I did find myself hurrying forward, glaring furiously, before bringing my fist back and hitting her squarely in the eye with all that I had.

I took a step back, still staring down at her defiantly. She blinked up at me and muttered, "Mudblood,"

It was only then that I walked away, swallowing regretfully as I did.

I'd never hit anyone before.

*

I stared at the wall opposite, not really seeing it. All I knew was that I was away from everyone I didn't want to be around. I was quite fine right where I was…. With one exception. I couldn't stop the tears.

At least I was feeling something, as opposed to the days before.

And maybe I wanted Michelle, or Nora, to talk to, or possibly James, for obvious reasons, but I wasn't too sure if I would like to have company or be alone. I was, without a doubt, lost.

"Lily?"

I jumped slightly, but didn't turn. "Mm."

Isn't it funny how when you desperately need someone, they show up?

James slid down onto the floor beside me, wrapping his arms loosely around his knees, much like I had. "Tell me about it."

"How did you get in here?" I sniffed. I was curious, but mostly I was aiming at avoiding his question. "No one but Michelle, Zoe, and I know how to get here." I really could not get the tears to stop…

"I'm just that good, of course." He winked and nudged my arm gently. "You are, too, at dodging questions. But it won't work with me. Tell me about it." he repeated. "Neither of us are leaving until you do."

With a casual flick of his wand, an unearthly glow surrounded the door. It was a locking charm, and a complex one at that. But he'd done it without words or worry.

I didn't doubt that he was powerful. I knew he could get anything out of me he wanted.

I wished I could do the same.

I sucked in a sharp breath. I already looked a mess, so what was the point of trying to hide the tears? It was just James, anyway. He didn't care what I looked like.

Finally, I turned to look at him. When I did, I realized just how close his face was to mine. Merlin, I could even feel his breath on my nose. I looked away again, shivering.

But the tears had stopped.

*

"No, Remus… I'm really not very hungry…" I tried. But, in one quick movement, he scooped a very generous helping of vegetable broth into the saucer he was holding. He pushed it over to my side of the table and folded his arms on the table.

"You're going to eat, Miss Lily," he smiled patiently. "even if that means that I have to keep this bowl and serve it to you cold later." With a wink, he turned to his goblet and paper, leaving me to the soup. "Hmm…" He raised his eyebrows. "This is an interesting article. A group of teenage wizards were attacked somewhere near Vestuble over the weekend by a pack of… 'nigorfs?' What is a bloody nigorf?"

I smiled at this. Oh, how I loved Remus.

James sunk into the seat next to me. "I think it's kin to the dust bunny…"

We all laughed lightly; what an odd picture, seeing a group of wizards being attacked by dust bunnies.

But my laughter was cut short. A cross looking owl had landed right in my bowl of soup, leaving me with soggy bits of carrots and peas on my front. I frowned, not recognizing the owl, or the handwriting on the scarlet parchment it carried.

"Whose is that?" Sirius asked. He too had joined the table.

"No idea…" I muttered, relieving the owl of its burden. Its eyes flashed as it nipped me on the tip of my finger. "Bloody owl!" I groaned, wiping at the blood. It spread its wings in flight, swiping me on the side of the head as it went.

"Here…" James did a cleansing spell on my robes, removing the broth at once.

"Thanks." I smiled weakly and took a drink of pumpkin juice.

"Aren't you going to open it?" asked Sirius. I didn't like the way he said it.

"Don't plan on it." I said with a small smile.

"Looks like it's going to anyway, whether you want to or not."

I looked down curiously. "Why do you…"

But I was cut off by a loud explosion as the smoking parchment soared into the air, right at my eye-level. Bloody Merlin, it scared me.

"What the-" I gasped. Demon parchment.

"A howler…" Sirius cringed. "Running just might be your best bet." He whispered.

*

I was lying there, my head hanging off the edge of the sofa in the common room. It's all I really felt like doing.

Someone had sent me a howler.

Really. A howler.

I hadn't even really reacted once I realized what it was. I just listened to it while the dark voice rambled on, my head bent low. It wasn't until the silence of the Great Hall had swollen to a loud buzz in my ears that I rose from my seat. I smiled at my friends before calmly leaving the Hall, and yes, I was completely aware that every eye in the place was on me. I smiled at them, too.

I must have appeared to be mad. I'm half surprised that my friends knew what to do with me. But they did. They knew what I needed, and every step of the way, they were there, if I needed them.

"She just needs to… mourn." Michelle voiced my thoughts.

But I had mourned. It wasn't like I'd been off on a joy ride after hearing the news, or anything… And as much as I loved all my friends dearly, I was also a little worn of their talking of me as if I wasn't in the room.

I was, in every way possible.

"But then, at the same time, she needs to go on…"

Even I stopped staring off in space to look over at Sirius as mumbled.

Surely not…

"Padfoot?" Remus said uncertainly.

"Well… she does, doesn't she?" He shrugged in defense.

They had been talking in this way for some time. James was there, too, along with Kendra and Nora.

James was the only one, other than me, who had remained silent.

Suddenly, I let out a loud sigh and looked around the room. "I want… I need butterbeer."

It had been my first want for something other than sleep.

"And a long walk."

James's eyes finally met mine.

*

Fifteen minutes later, I found myself emerging from the warm castle out into the crisp, cool air that was, and could only ever be, a January evening at Hogwarts, a comfortingly warm bottle of butterbeer in my hand.

Not to mention, it was only James and me.

I momentarily forgot about the rude howler and focused only on the moment.

Which was quite nice, because the moment consisted of James's eyes, that home-like, depthless, even-warmer-than-butterbeer-hazel.

We walked in silence, each tugging our cloaks about our shoulders as the frost crunched beneath our feet and we snuck occasional glances at each other, each with our own thoughts. Mine were wandering between the clarity I'd always found in a walk around the lake, and the lack of clarity I'd found lately when I was with James.

Everything was so mixed up.

Remus had said it would only be a matter of time…

But every time I thought James and I had made a step closer, something came up. Like the time we were in the Great Hall, getting along just fine, and Benjy had caused the "Two-Week War." Or when we were dancing at my birthday party, having just started talking again, and were maybe even about to kiss, when I heard the news about my parents. Or even just after I had told James everything that was wrong, what the Slytherins were saying, everything that I feared… and I'd gotten that bloody howler, which spiraled my mood downwards.

"You know, James…" I said softly, finally breaking the contemplative silence. "We never did get to talk much about that whole…" I paused, searching for the right word.

"Our fight." He finished for me.

I smiled thankfully. "Yeah. Our fight." I said sadly. I didn't even liked to say the words. Good thing it was already passed.

"No, I don't guess we did, did we?" He took a swig of his half-gone butterbeer and glanced over at me.

There was so much I wanted to say to him… and so much I didn't know how.

"Well… The day before my birthday, I was in the library doing Transfiguration, and Benjy came in to help me… Well, let's just say it's not his best subject, either. Well, it got around to me telling him off because I didn't think he knew what he was doing and he thought I was flirting and… Oh, James, all I want to tell you is that something Benjy said confused me greatly and I don't know what to do or think about it."

James's face hadn't changed all throughout my spill. What was that look? Shock? Anticipation? Suddenly, though, his steps slowed and he licked his lips. "What… what did he say?" With a pop, his empty butterbeer bottle disappeared and his hands went to his pockets. He looked as if he was ready to hear the worst.

I took a deep breath and swirled what was left of my butterbeer around in the warm jar. I turned back to the edge of the lake and started walking, more to have something to do than to be walking. James followed, though he seemed more reluctant.

"He said that he was just hasty in thinking I wanted to go with him. That he didn't really listen much when he asked because he just wanted to hear yes… And… and he wanted to ask me before you did. James, he said… 'As long as Potter's around, there's not much of a chance for us other blokes,'" I watched James's face closely, though he took obvious effort to keep it free of emotion.

The silence swirled around us like snowflakes in the wind.

I began to wonder if he wasn't going to say anything at all. I had hoped that I would get some sort of reassurance, a nervous look, a wonderfully heartfelt outpouring of his soul. But I didn't.

So finally, I sighed. "And ever since, I've been wondering if that could possibly mean what I'd like to think it means. The morning in your dormitory, I was positive… but ever since… I've been unsure. I don't ever know what to think about you, James Potter, but I think it might be nice to know that all those other blokes like Benjy know to stay away."

I held my breath carefully. I had basically just told him everything… and left him to do with it what he would chose.

Slowly, his hazel eyes turned to meet my green ones, searching. He wanted to know if I meant what I said. He was every bit as unsure as I was. I found comfort in that.

But when, after a few moments, he still hadn't moved, my hope began to fade. I closed my eyes, willing more tears not to fall. I couldn't. I wouldn't.

But just when I felt I could just give up, a warm hand snuck its way onto my neck in the most intimate way I'd ever known, knuckles barely brushing my ear.

"Oh, Lily…"

I barely heard it, but I barely needed to.

*

*

The End.

*

*

A/N: So, ah… That's it. It's over… Thoughts?

Thanks for reading, guys; hope you enjoyed it.. *wink*

These're all from chapter eight, mostly, but maybe from others, too…

Tessa: Thanks for all your reviews. I know you only started reading… yesterday? But, hey! I'm glad you did. Thanks!

Anonymous (all of them in one go): I'm glad the familiar characters weren't OOC. If they were, I wouldn't be good at all at doing what I do. I rather like to follow canon, where I can. Sorry Sirius wasn't in there as much… Look for him in other fics of mine, though. I love him, as well, and am always looking for an excuse to add him where I can. The same goes for Remus.

PnutPotter26: Heh, all in one sitting? Wow. I'm proud! I'm glad you liked it so… I laughed when I read the bit about you thinking of Benjy as fat. I've always seen him tall and cute. Dunno why. Guess it's the name? I've never known a Benjy. Here's your update.

Holly Black: Wicked's good. Glad you were pleased. You do have good timing; I've only just begun posting again. Before, all my readers had forgotten about me!

Storms: Hm… Your review had me laughing as well. "I love how you say this is going to be ending. 'There's a limited number of chapters left' I mean really… who says that?" I wasn't really sure if I should be laughing or not, but I was. And there really were limited chaps left. One, in fact.

Loonymoony8: I'm glad you like Remus; I hope people do in chap. 8. He had a larger role. Thanks!

GlitterFairyxoxo: I love Lily's friends… I always base her friends off my own in my fics, because I always picture her with awesome friends--and I have three very awesome best friends! I was very pleased that you thought chapter 8 was realistic… I was aiming for it, but to hear it was made me happy J . Heh, I'm glad you like all the characters. Hope you liked this chapter as well.

Grumpy-Numero-Uno: I'm glad you've liked all my chapters so far--and I'm glad you've kept with me for the last few chapters. Thanks!

Snazzysnez: Hehe, I think every chapter is my favorite… I can never pick. Heh, Remus, a wolf? Hmm… I love it. I'm absolutely giddy that you truly enjoy my fic. Thank you!

Tararith A: Aw, don't you just wish you had your own Remus? Or James… or Sirius… Or all three? I can't stand Peter, either. I throw him in (literally) at times, sometimes the good guy, sometimes not. But I'd rather not, in reality. He's just not fun, knowing what we do. Lol… "Action" is right! Hope you loved the boots out of chappie nine! (and please, no grey hairs until they're deserved!!)

Mani12191: I'm kinda fond of 'em, too… But that's just me! I'm sooo happy you liked Remus in this chapter. Here's the new chap. you wanted!! Oh.. Btw-I thought your last review was funny. (lol) "But it's alright cause you update 48764387534x faster than you usually do *joke*" No kidding, I laughed out loud. It seems the actually updating once in a while works for my reviewers, eh? *wink, grin*

And just for the record, James's parents are alive… There was a review (anonymous, or I'd reply) that thought his parents died, too! But they didn't… I'm not that terrible. Professor McGonagall just thought it would be easier if James was the one to get Lily out of her own birthday party. So she called James out specifically, instead of Lily… Even though Lily had a little suspicion in the back of her mind. Then, James took Lily to see Dumbledore.

Right. So! Thanks to all who stuck with me… I'm starting another fic--it will only be two chapters, and I've already written it, but it's pretty good, so go check it out. Have fun!

Fin.