Decisions
Chapter 13
Decisions
Harry awoke at daybreak. He missed his early morning balcony musings. He looked over at his tiny cupboard and dismissed that idea. Smiling to himself he took his tea back up to his room and climbed back into bed. "This is great! Almost as good as the balcony." he thought.
He pictured his Aunt Petunia catching him drinking tea in bed and laughed. He hadn't seen his blood relatives in ages. When he stopped by upon leaving St Mungos after 7th year, they not so politely asked him not to return. He didn't miss them really, not as people anyway. What he missed was that tiny connection to his mother. He wondered what it would have been like to hear stories about his mum's youth. He learned early not to ask questions, however. All he knew of his parents had been found out from friends.
He decided he'd had enough of gloomy thoughts for the time being and that he needed to think about his predicament with Hermione. That kiss was amazing, but was it worth the risk? "What if it doesn't work? What if I lose her friendship?" Trusting people had always been hard for him. He'd relied upon only himself most of his life. Ron and Hermione were the best friends anyone could ask for. They'd been by his side for 12 years, through good times and bad. He was rubbish at apologies, giving or receiving. He knew that. Ron and Hermione knew that. They'd had disagreements over the years and worked them out. What if it was all different? What if he messed up badly? She'd tell Ron and he'd lose them both. Nope, he decided. It wasn't worth it. With that determined, he prepared himself for work.
It was the day he'd been waiting for. Draco Malfoy was going down. In their morning raid on Malfoy Manor, they found all of the evidence they needed in Lucius Malfoy's dungeon. His crew uncovered log books, journals, lists of every kind, cursed Muggle objects, and to top it all off, pictures, unaltered glorious pictures. Draco Malfoy would spend his remaining days in Azkaban, if he avoided "The Kiss". Draco was arrested at the Ministry without incident and jailed to await trial. Harry spent the afternoon at his desk filing the proper paperwork and sorting Dark Objects. Some he tagged as evidence, others he sent to the Misuse of Muggle Artifacts office, and the more dangerous, he sent down to the Unspeakable's department.
He was late getting home and found that Hermione had already arrived.
"How was your day?" she asked.
"Fine," he said. "And yours?"
"Interesting," she gushed. "We think we are onto a better solution for werewolves than Wolfsbane potion. I do hope it works."
"Wow!" Harry exclaimed. "That's almost as good as my news."
"Really? What exciting things did our resident hero accomplish?" she teased.
"Would you believe me if I said that the wizarding community is missing one ferret?"
"You got him?" Hermione squealed. "What can you put him away for? How long? Oh, Harry, that is terrific news!" She leaped into his arms laughing.
Harry gathered her into a hug and snickered along with her. He picked her up and spun her around in glee. Her long bushy hair was flying as she twirled. He'd never seen anything as lovely.
"This calls for a celebration!" she exclaimed. "Let's invite Ron and Luna over."
"Great!" he answered. "I can't say anything more, though, but soon it will be public knowledge." he said.
Ron and Luna arrived with meat pies and stews from Ron's mum. Harry brought out his finest liquor to honor the occasion. The foursome drank to Draco. They drank to Azkaban, to Aurors, and anything else they could think of.
After a while of loud and raucous merriment, they settled into an easy conversation.
"What did you get him for?" Ron asked.
"I can't go into details, but it seems our pointy-faced friend deems himself the next Dark Lord. With Wormtail, Voldemort and Lucius gone, it seems he was eager to rise to power with his faithful sidekicks. We got them, too, by the way."
Draco Malfoy had been a thorn in their side since their first year at Hogwarts. His behavior after 'The Defeat" had been worse than before. Harry was used to Malfoy's rantings and predictions of Harry's demise. He'd known that Malfoy had been following in his father's evil footsteps. He'd just never had the proof…until now.
It was getting late. Ron and Luna had left. Hermione was watching Harry with a look of satisfaction on her face. "You did it," she said softly. "I know how much this means to you."
Harry smiled sadly. "Can you think of how different things might have been if I'd handled things better back in first year?"
"It wouldn't have been that much different" she responded. "There's no way you would be like him. You are too good, too honorable." Harry blushed a bright red. "I mean it" she continued. "That's one of the things I admire most about you. It's your integrity."
"If you knew half of the things I've done, you wouldn't feel that way" he answered. "I don't deserve your admiration…"
"Yes" she said. "Yes, you do. Did you want to talk about it? I'm a really good listener where you're concerned."
"No" he responded. "I really don't want to get into all of that stuff."
"Did you want to talk about our conversation last night?" she asked hesitantly.
"Not really, but if you want to…" he replied.
"Harry" she interrupted. "I know you don't like to talk about feelings. You never have. If we don't talk about it, it will always be between us. I don't want that. Do you?"
"No, I don't, but then you know me. 'If I don't think about it, it doesn't exist.' That plan has always worked for me." he said with a grin.
"I remember. "Harry 'Keep it simple' Potter."
"Yeah, that pretty well covers it." he agreed.
"Doesn't that get lonely?" she inquired.
"So…"Harry said changing the subject. "About that werewolf potion, how does it work?"
"Harry!" Hermione laughed. "You are so obvious!"
"It works on occasion," Harry chuckled. "No complications, a reduction in uncomfortable conversations. Is it my fault you are easily distracted?"
"Honestly, Harry!" she groaned. "We need to talk about this. I'll even make it easy for you. I know you love me…as a friend." Hermione went on when he tried to cut her short. "Do you agree with me, so far?"
"Yes," he replied. "I'll give you that, but…"
"And," she countered. "You've never been in love with anyone. Am I correct?"
"Yes, but…"
"So how do you know true love doesn't exist? How do you know that your heart isn't searching for another person to make it whole?"
"I just know," he argued. "I mean look at the examples of love in my life. Sirius loved me, as did Dumbledore, Hagrid…"
"So you are saying only men are allowed to love you?" she responded.
"No, I didn't…NO!!!" he shouted with a look of disgust at her insinuation.
Hermione laughed out loud at his reaction. "So," she said softly "I am allowed to love you."
"Well, I can't stop you, but…"
"And if I'm already allowed to love you and you love me, what is the matter with seeing if there isn't something more, a different kind of love?"
"I told you," he retorted with waning patience. "The type of love you are describing doesn't exist. People just fancy themselves being in love. That's all."
"So Ron's parents have only been fooling themselves for the last 30 or 40 years, is that right?"
"That's different," Harry replied. "They're parents. It's appropriate for them to fancy themselves in love. They've been married for ages."
"And your parents?" she asked. "Was your parents' love a myth as well, then?"
"Well, I don't know, do I? I don't remember actually living with them."
"Then how do you know it is a myth? Just because you've never experienced something doesn't mean it doesn't exist. Won't you at least give it a try?"
"No," he stated firmly. "It's not worth it. Yes, we get along, we've been best friends for years, and that kiss was bloody fantastic…"
"Yes, it was, wasn't it?" she agreed.
"But," he said cutting her off. "I'm not willing to risk this friendship in a gamble like that. Period. End of discussion."
Hermione got a wicked grin on her face, not unlike when she was plotting against Dolores Umbridge back in 5th year. Harry felt nervous.
Without warning, Hermione jumped into Harry's lap and started tickling him mercilessly.
"Stop!" he shouted at her. Between bouts of laughter he cried out "This is not fair" and "You are cheating". Finally, he conceded and she ceased her attack. He wasn't pleased.
"Do you always pounce on people to get them to date you?" he asked.
"Only as a last resort. I always get what I want." she purred smoothly. "Harry, I'm not trying to force you into anything. What I think is that with your upbringing, you've never experienced true love, therefore it intimidates you. If I've learned anything after knowing you all these years it's that you avoid things that are intimidating. I think that's the reason you stayed innocent for so long…"
"Innocent?" Harry questioned in a bristling manner. "That would be the last word I'd use to describe myself."
"Innocent as in chaste, a virgin, Harry."
"Not that again. As you are well aware, that word no longer applies to me."
Hermione snorted. "Yes, I'm aware of that. Your 'escapades' with Fred and George are legendary. I'm talking about real intimacy. Not 'that was great. What was your name again?'"
"I'm not that bad," denied Harry. "I only slept with girls I knew or knew of…kinda"
"Girls who only wanted a piece of The-Boy-Who-Lived…"
"Oh, come on!" Harry interjected. "The ladies who aren't interested in my…to use Ginny's terms…'press clippings' are few and far between. Besides, let the Death Eaters target whoever I'm seeing at the moment. They'll be so busy trying to keep up, they'll have little time for attacks."
"I knew it!" Hermione exclaimed as if she'd found that one last word to finish a crossword puzzle. "That's what I'm talking about, Harry. Once again you are sacrificing yourself to protect other people!"
"And that's so wrong?" shouted Harry.
"No, it's just so you!" she answered. "You and your nobility complex. You ignore your own wants and needs to protect everyone else. You even went out with Ginny because it was expected."
Harry knew he'd been found out. "I tried to make it work with her. I tried…"
"I know" Hermione said softly. "You knew it was doomed for failure from the start, right?"
"I guess I did," he whispered. "I think I was so glad she was no longer cross at me that I figured, since she wanted it, it was a good way to stay in her esteem. Making Ron and the rest of her family happy was just a bonus."
"I'll share a secret with you. Ron knew your relationship was hopeless. He just went along with it because he thought it was what you needed." Hermione acknowledged. "What went wrong in the end?"
"What didn't go wrong? She was…well…Ginny, and I was too… me. She wanted parties and social events and I wanted to protect her. She wanted everyone to see The-Boy-Who-Lived on her arm. I wanted us to stay out of the public eye. We just wanted different things."
"Did it hurt when you broke up? Were you upset?" Hermione asked.
"Not really" he replied. "It was a relief, actually. Nothing I did was right. Let's just say I'm lousy at this stuff and let it go at that."
"No you're not. I was at the Ministry Ball, remember? I saw how she gets when she's drinking, the way she was dancing with Malfoy...What's with that anyway?"
"Who knows" Harry responded. "That's the reason she was angry with me in the first place, over something Malfoy said to her."
"What did he say?"
"According to her, he blames me for Bill's death. He doesn't know. He wasn't even there. He ran like a niffler that night."
"How did Bill die?" Hermione asked gently.
"I can't talk about that." Harry retorted, his face full of anguish.
"Can't or won't?" she asked. With a long pause, then a deep breath she whispered "I understand" as she pulled him from his chair and into her arms.
Harry allowed himself to be comforted by her embrace.
"Show me your room" she said softly. "I want to know about your safe haven."
Harry held her close and headed for the stairs. He removed the locking charms from the door and led her in.
"This is exactly how I pictured it" she declared. "It's a cross between the boy's dormitory and the Gryffindor common room at Hogwarts. The bed is bigger, of course, but it has the same feeling. So, how many girls have seen this bed now?"
"Just one" he responded. "Only Ginny has been in here."
"Why do you hide it? It's a lovely room."
"Dunno" he said. "I guess I needed a spot that I didn't have to share if I didn't want to. I wanted a place that was unquestionably mine that I could arrange as I please and fill with all my own belongings"
"That makes sense" she concurred. "You feel safe here, just as you felt safe at school."
"I reckon" he said as he sat down in the huge squashy chair. Hermione sat across from him watching him closely.
"What?" he asked slightly annoyed.
"Nothing…just…"
"What?" he repeated with less irritation in his voice.
"Harry…" she began carefully. "We're not children. I'm not going to say I know how you feel because I know you hate that, but I will say I understand your feelings. Why do you think I've kept this to myself for so long? I've plenty of documented evidence that true love does exist. I won't show it to you, though, you'll scoff. But, Harry think about it, please. I think that you and I could have something really special together. I think together we have a chance at finding the happiness you've been missing out on your entire life."
"I hear what you are saying, Hermione. Really I do. And I won't say that I'm not attracted to the idea. I am. I'm just not sure I want to risk it. Do you know how much danger you'd be putting yourself in? Have you thought about that part of it? I conquered Voldemort. I had help, of course, but every Dark Wizard in the world wants my head for a trophy. I can live with that, can you? Could I live with myself if something happened to you because of me? Ask yourself, 'Is it worth all of that?'"
"I have asked myself that question, many times, and the answer is still the same…'yes' an emphatic yes, an unquestionable yes. I won't hide our relationship, should there be one. I won't give them the satisfaction. Just think about it. That's all I ask, think about it."
Harry nodded. "It's getting late" he said after a time. "We don't have to make any decisions tonight."
Hermione smiled. "No we don't, however I notice that you are no longer rejecting the idea outright. I'll take that as a point in my favor."
"Insufferable know-it-all" he grumbled.
She chuckled and made her way down to the kitchen to apparate to her own home.
Harry climbed into his bed with his thoughts whirling around his brain. He laid awake a long time before sleep finally overtook him.