Speech…Speech
Chapter 22
Speech…Speech
Harry stopped outside the bakery and didn't even try to navigate the door. He just leaned against the glass window, oblivious to the stares he was receiving from other pedestrians. His head bowed, deep in thought, he waited for his friend to finish her meeting.
"Harry!" Hermione shouted. "There you are. Come on in. We were waiting for you."
Harry never raised his head but shook it to indicate he was staying where he was. "I'll just see you at home," he said and disapparated.
Hermione arrived shortly after. She located him quickly by the sound of shattering glass upstairs.
She entered his bedroom through the wide open door, stood in the doorway and watched.
"USELESS!" Harry shouted as he threw yet another figurine toward the opposite wall where it exploded into a shower of shards. Hedwig was hooting indignantly at the demolition from her perch on top of the wardrobe. Harry picked up another crystal figure and it suffered the same fate.
"Harry? What is it?" Hermione asked softly.
Harry spun to face her; his face resembling a toddler caught stealing a biscuit. "Reparo," he muttered at the mess he'd made. The crystal figures reformed and levitated toward his outstretched hand.
"Sorry," he mumbled sheepishly. He wasn't sorry for the act itself, he'd actually enjoyed it. He was sorry she had witnessed his lack of control.
"What's happened?" she asked approaching him.
He pulled her into a tight hold and buried his face in her neck. "I talked to Kingsley," he said.
"What did he say?" she asked with supreme warmth, attempting to soothe his frayed nerves.
"We set a date for the 'celebration,'" he began. "I agreed to testify against Malfoy, however I won't be allowed back into the division. I can't pass the damn physical!"
"Did you ask him about training?"
"Ah, yes…" he responded in derision removing himself from her arms, turning his back to her. "It seems that it's far too dangerous for an invalid such as myself. I could get hurt. He said he would speak with the Ministry, but he wasn't convinced. I turned in my badge."
"Oh, Harry!" she cried pulling him tightly to her, leaning against his back. "I'm so sorry."
Harry sighed in defeat, his shoulders slumped. He turned in her arms and laid his head against the top of hers. "We'll figure something out. I promise. You don't have to have a fancy job to make me happy. I love you for who you are, not what you are," she reassured him. "So when is the celebration?" she said as she looked up into his hurt-filled eyes, attempting to change the subject.
"Friday," he answered uncaringly.
"I'm sure you'll need a speech. Need my help in writing it?"
He smiled at her offer. "I don't want to give a speech."
Hermione chuckled. "I know you don't, but it will be expected, so you have to be prepared." She had an idea that could improve his mood. "You could say, 'Thanks to the incompetence of our former Minister, Voldemort was allowed to return. But don't worry, folks, I blasted the hell out of him. So, if any of you Dark Wizards are out there. I'm putting you on notice…!"
Harry chuckled. "I think I'd better write my own speech, thanks. I might use part of that, though."
Hermione's eyes went wide in surprise. "Which part?"
"Well" he said with reluctance. "The Final Battle is getting declassified, so I'll need to reference what happened that night… I really don't want to talk about it, but I'll have to, won't I? Lupin is the only one alive who knows what I did…what a coward I was."
Harry disapparated to the bedroom and dropped silently onto the bed and began removing the brace under his robes without much success.
"Oh no you don't, Harry Potter!" Hermione stormed as she joined him on the bed. She helped him remove the brace after disentangling it from his robes. When the brace was resting beside him on the floor, she resumed her attempts to reach him before he closed off completely. "You can't drop that bombshell and let it go. Talk to me, please. Tell me exactly why you think you are a coward, which, of course, we both know is pure rubbish…"
"I can't talk about this Hermione. I can't. I know I'll have to eventually. I know that. I just can't face it right now."
"I know what you need," she stated evenly. Harry raised an eyebrow at her. "Not that, you silly. You need to try out your new hiding place. I'll have Winky bring your lunch there. If you want me to join you I will. Though, if you want to be alone, I won't intrude."
Harry was overwhelmed with how well she knew him. He'd found himself wishing for his cupboard in his old flat. He'd completely forgotten about the one they'd built for him. "I'd like you to come," he reassured her. "The password is 'Lily'." With that he apparated down to his hiding place.
It was cramped fitting two into a recliner built for one, but he wouldn't have it any other way. He looked down at his sleeping friend and wondered what he would do without her. After his rest, he'd thought hard about what he could make of his life, considering his limitations. He didn't really need to work. He had plenty of money. Mentally, though, he knew what working gave him…a sense of pride… a sense of belonging…a way to feel he was contributing something to help shape their world. It proved his worth. That was important to him. He wanted to be her protector forever. The peace his world was experiencing wouldn't last forever and he was physically unable to stop the next threat to their way of life. There had to be a way for him to help prevent that. There had to be way for him to be worthy of her love.
Late that night, he awoke in his bed feeling Hermione brush her fingers through his hair. "It's alright," she crooned. "I'm right here. You are not alone."
He felt the terror vanish from his body at her soft words. "Thanks," he whispered.
"You were having a nightmare," she explained. "Want to talk about it?"
"Not really," he said honestly.
"Do you need to talk about it?" she urged.
"I dunno, maybe…" he replied astonished at the way she could read him.
He told her all about his dream where Voldemort came back and destroyed everything he held dear to him. He told her about the final battle and how he'd ducked a curse only to have Bill unknowingly get hit with it. He told her about Dumbledore deliberately taking a curse to give Harry an open shot and he told her about using the curse on Voldemort when his back was turned. He told her everything about that night and how he'd struggled with his conscience since. He even told her about his 'bad' nights and how he didn't want her to witness the pain he inadvertently inflicted on himself.
"How do you prevent them?" she asked referring to his horrendous nightmares.
"I don't," he replied. "I just know enough about my headaches to be able to recognize the signs that one is eminent. Sometimes, though, like the other day, if something makes me very happy, like the brace, it will go away. It'll be worse the next time, but I feel like I was in control of it. Other times, if something bad happens and I dwell on it, it can bring one on."
He knew Hermione was astounded that he'd talked to her about this. He'd talked and shared more about his feelings in the past few days than he'd ever done before in all of the years they'd known each other. The only other time he'd shared anything regarding his health or his feelings was when he was relaxing after sex, and even then he guarded most of his secrets. He looked at her expecting to see pity or disgust on her face, but that wasn't the case.
As the tears rolled down her cheeks, she was looking at him with pride and even…love. He felt as if a giant weight had been lifted from his shoulders. He felt freer than he had in years.
"Have you discussed this with Lupin?" she asked.
"No," he replied. "When I left the hospital, it was full moon. After that I lost my nerve. He was there. He saw what happened. I couldn't bear to see the revulsion in his eyes knowing what I did."
"Why would he be revolted?" she asked drawing him out further.
"Hermione…I killed a man whose back was turned and that's regardless of the fact that I had enough hate inside me to use that curse. I am no better than they are and these people want to parade me around and tell me how wonderful I am, giving me medals and honors. That's what's revolting. I don't deserve it. I deserve Azkaban." He turned away from her before she could stop him.
Hermione stamped around to face him. "Tell me this…" she spat, her voice rising, "…I was there when you and the Order worked out your strategy. You were to take any available shot, take any opportunity, use any means to destroy him. He wasn't human. You know he wasn't human. He was this serpentine monster, this gormless liar who amused himself by torturing other people…decent people…good people. So, you didn't give him an opportunity to evade your spell. He first tried to kill you when you were only a year old! You were the one prophesized to kill him. You did! If you had run like that snake, Malfoy, then yes, I would say you were a coward, but to end the hell that had become our world, that's what makes you a hero. The fact that it bothers you so, that's what makes you the man that I love."
Harry looked into her eyes and saw that she was telling the truth. He had difficulty believing her; however he began to forgive himself a bit. He tried, at her suggestion, to envision what the world would have been like if he'd failed. He'd never allowed himself down that path before. As she returned to bed and held him close, he started to feel like his life was of value after all. He began to feel clean again. He began to feel almost lovable.
"Harry…" she said into his back, "I promise you, I'll help these night terrors to go away. I'm not going anywhere. Don't be afraid to talk to me. I won't judge you. I'll be honest, though. If what you are saying is rubbish, I'll tell you, but I won't let you be alone anymore."
Harry turned to face her and kissed her softly. "Thanks," he whispered as they both drifted off to sleep.
The dawn of day the celebration was to be held, Harry was up early practicing his speech silently. He'd not let anyone read what he planned to say. He wasn't sure himself if he possessed the bollocks to say the words he'd planned. His dress robes were cleaned and wrinkle free. He'd washed, shaved and put on a clean nightshirt. He'd put the brace on later. He apparated to his place on the sofa and waited for Winky or Dobby to bring his breakfast.
Hermione came down just as Harry was finishing his toast.
"Good morning," she said grinning at him. "You'll never change, you know that?"
"What do you mean?" he asked.
"Whenever you are nervous, you won't eat, so you pick apart a piece or two of toast, eating maybe two bites to make sure it looks like you've eaten. If I had been a minute later, the plate would be gone and you'd try to convince me you'd eaten loads."
Harry looked at her indignantly. "I'll have you know I ate three bites."
She laughed and gave him a quick kiss. Winky was there in an instant bearing a tray of muffins and fruit. Harry and Hermione smiled at each other at the memory of their muffin conversation.
Soon it was time to get ready. Harry put on his brace with ease, then slipped on his dress robes over his nightshirt. He couldn't wear the brace with jeans as it made it impossible to use a loo. The nightshirt would make him feel more clothed and he felt he needed all the help he could get in the comfort department today.
Harry arrived at the Ministry and was met by Mr. Weasley in the atrium.
"You look splendid, Harry, simply splendid," Mr. Weasley gushed grasping his hand. "Molly is so pleased you are doing better. She was at her wits end with you, she was. Well, let's get you over to the stage. We'll have you stand back behind the curtain until time for the ceremony. We've left a spot for you to stand because of your brackles…"
"Braces," Harry corrected.
"Right, yes. Yes, of course," said Mr. Weasley.
"Actually I like your word better," Harry smiled.
"I'm not sure if they told you, but you're to give a speech today I wasn't sure so I've taken the liberty to have a speech prepared for you…"
"I've written my own speech, thanks"
"Have you? Very good…very good, we seem to be all set then. I'll just leave you here then…" Mr. Weasley said after tugging Harry's floating form up the steps of the backstage. "…I need to freshen up, myself. See you, Harry."
"Thanks, Mr. Weasley. Bye."
Harry was alone backstage, doing a semblance of pacing. He could hear a large crowd gathering out front. He went over the highlights of his speech and was pleased that he could remember all of the main points he wanted to make.
"Harry, are you alright?" Hermione asked her head peeking through the curtain.
"Fine…fine," he replied. "Get over here." He pulled her onto the stage and into his arms.
"Much better," he said lowering his lips to hers.
"I'm impressed," she said. "I'd have thought you would be a nervous wreck."
"I am," he replied. "I just have a habit of hiding my feelings, remember?"
She laughed at his banter. She could tell he was in his 'Auror Mode', even if he had turned in his badge. His eyes were on the look out for trouble, his best public-smile in place. His eyes never paused. They were constantly scanning for any disturbance.
The Ministry officials began taking the stage, complete in official Ministry robes. Hermione went to take her seat. Alfred Kensington, the Head of the Auror division, walked over to Harry.
"Where is your dress uniform, Potter?" he asked gruffly.
"I'm not qualified to wear them, sir. I turned in my badge. 'A non-Auror is to never appear in uniform under any…'" Harry responded cheekily.
"I'm aware of the rules, Potter. I'm sure we could have made an allowance in these circumstances. You are being honored for your service as an Auror. I'm sure…"
"I'm being honored for services provided BEFORE I became an Auror, sir," Harry corrected. "I will however, in my speech make reference to the division and what has transpired recently to keep the streets safe. Never fear."
Harry knew that he'd just blown his chances of ever being an Auror again, but to his surprise he didn't care all that much. He'd find a job, even if it meant going to work for one of the companies he held part ownership in, though he didn't fancy a job as a figurehead.
The curtain rose to loud applause. Harry scanned the audience for Hermione. He found her dead center surrounded by Luna, Ron and the rest of the Weasley clan not represented on stage. He winked at her to show her he was fine and took his place standing at the end of the chairs as he'd been directed.
He didn't pay much attention to the official ramblings and blustering. He found that he'd rather look at Hermione. She looked like an angel in her white robes. It seemed ironic that his current girlfriend was wearing white, while his former was attired in a fiery red. As a matter of fact, he found that detail rather humorous.
Harry startled when his name was called. Hermione gave him a mock glare.
"Harry, please join us up here," said Minister Bones and Harry 'walked' to the front podium. "Harry Potter" she said grasping his hand, "Let me be the first to officially thank you for your sacrifices and your assistance in rescuing our world from the clutches of evil. In honor of your work, allow me to bestow upon you the Order of Merlin, First Class."
"Thank you, Minister Bones. This is unexpected," Harry said as she hung the medal around his neck.
"Soon…" she said with a chuckle, "you'll find that you and I are on a more even level than you think." Harry looked at her befuddled and went to retake his place.
"Just a minute more, Mr. Potter, if you please." Harry spun in a circle and reclaimed his place at the podium.
"In recognition of your efforts, a donation has been made, in your honor, to St. Mungo's Hospital for Magical Maladies and Injuries, in the sum of ten thousand galleons." Harry beamed. He liked the idea of a donation in lieu of giving him money.
"Furthermore, another sum of one hundred-fifty thousand galleons has been deposited into your Gringott's vault." Harry's smile fell. "In addition, I am prepared to offer you a position in the Ministry of Magic." Harry's eyes bulged. "We are creating a new department, which upon your acceptance, you will run as you see fit. Please don't accept or decline yet. We can talk more about it next week in more detail." Harry glanced out at Hermione, his shining eyes met with hers. He was speechless. "Now" continued Minister Bones, "I believe Mr. Potter has a few words he'd like to share…" and she stepped away from the podium joining the crowd in excited applause.
Harry stepped up to the podium and cast Sonorus on his throat. "Wow!" he said dumbfounded. "I had a speech prepared, however in the midst of all of that, I'm quite certain that I've forgotten every word of it." The crowd chuckled along with him. Harry met Hermione's stare and remembered what he wanted to say.
"Ladies and Gentlemen, Wizards and Witches, I am not the only one being honored here today; however I am deeply honored to be here. I couldn't resist throwing that pun in there. Please forgive me." The audience snickered. "Seriously, I wasn't alone in the Final Battle; I wasn't even the only one to survive. Remus Lupin, was there fighting just as hard as I was. He survived as well. He helped keep the Death Eaters from getting to me, so I could get to Voldemort, like we'd planned. I honor you today and every day, Remus." Harry bowed low in the direction Remus Lupin was standing. "The ones who weren't as lucky as I that night deserve our honor, as well. Can we all remove our hats and take a moment of silence to honor the following people: Rubeus Hagrid………Albus Dumbledore…………Severus Snape………Bill Weasley ………Mundungus Fletcher………Emmaline Vance…Alastor Moody. Thanks guys, it couldn't have been successful without you." Harry looked to the sky and paused, deep in thought.
"I would, also, be remiss without thanking a few people without whom I'd never have survived to meet Lord Voldemort in the first place. Some are still with us; some have gone on to the next great adventure. Sirius Black, the best godfather a boy could have, falsely imprisoned for a crime he didn't commit." A gasp went through the crowd.
Harry smiled. "My parents, James and Lily Potter, how I wish you were here to share this with me. I miss you. My fellow Aurors, who for the last several years have been my family, I thank you for allowing me to work with you to finally provide a safe environment for all wizards, witches and children. I'll miss you all." Harry paused and met the eye of each of the Aurors that worked under him. He then went on, "Tonks, you are the best. Ronald Weasley, the best mate anyone could ever have, the entire Weasley family, a family who all but adopted me as their own. Thank you. I love you all."
He stopped and took a long breath. "Last but definitely not least. Healer Hermione Granger, my other best friend. Without her help and friendship, I think I'd be lost. She means the world to me and I probably should have let her know I was planning this…" Harry paused briefly for effect and let his eyes meet hers. "Hermione, I want to thank you for your belief in me. Thank you for your undying devotion since our first year at school. Thank you for giving me something to live for each and every time I was ready to give up. Thank you for loving me, caring for me and showing me that true love does possibly exist. If you'll have me, would you consent to be my wife?"