The Cat's Among the Pixies Now
Chapter 29
The Cat's Among the Pixies Now
Upon arriving home, Harry sent Hedwig to the office to give Ron a note letting him know that he wouldn't be in the remainder of the day. He'd tried to tell himself that he hadn't seen what his eyes told him he saw. He tried telling himself that he was misunderstanding the situation. He refused to believe that Hermione had betrayed him. He wouldn't believe that without hearing it from her lips. What made him furious was that he had tried so damned hard to get her attention, tried so hard to spend time with her. The white-hot anger he felt soothed his battered soul. He found the tray of fluted glasses on the bar and hurled them one by one toward the fireplace, relishing the sound as they shattered in turn. He then grabbed trays of bar glasses from behind the counter ready to throw those as well.
Ron entered at a run. "Harry!" he called expecting the worst. "Are you alright?"
Harry didn't say a word; he just hurled a carafe at the fireplace with a groan of effort. He picked up the next fragile object within reach and chucked it. The windows of the room shattered as well from accidental magic. Ron looked on in shock. He'd heard of Harry's legendary temper; however he'd never before seen his friend completely lose his usually rigid control over it completely
"What's happened?" asked Ron gingerly not wanting to be the next target. "Did your appointment not go well?"
"MY APPOINTMENT??" Harry shouted at the top of his lungs. "I FORGOT ABOUT THE BLOODY APPOINTMENT! Seeing your fiancée embracing another man tends to supercede everything else in your mind, don't you think?"
"Hermione?" Ron asked in disbelief. "Hermione wouldn't do that to you, mate! You must have misunderstood what you saw."
"How can I misunderstand what I saw?" asked Harry with vehemence. "The git's arms were around her. She was laying her head on his shoulder. I misunderstood nothing!"
"You don't think they're….."
"No, Hermione wouldn't do that to me. If anything, it was an innocent embrace between friends or at worst, the start of a new relationship."
"Then why all the chucking, mate?" queried Ron. "It sounds kind of dodgy but if you don't think she's cheating…then…"
"Do you know the last time I've seen her?" Harry retorted. "A week… the last time I've talked to her?... two weeks... the last time I've kissed her?… again two weeks… the last time we touched…over a month…the last…"
"Hold up there, mate. We're straying dangerously close to 'too much information' here."
"I've tried everything I know, Ron!. I've sent her flowers, gifts, lunch invitations, offered to bring lunch to her, owl post, notes in her robe pockets. I don't know how else to tell her that I miss her and I need to see her. She won't even talk to me. She never comes over anymore. We had a lunch date finally after two weeks and I get an owl at the restaurant saying she can't make it! It's just too much! You had lunch with her at least twice. Lupin has talked to her. What did I do to deserve this? If I didn't have the examination today, Merlin knows how long it would continue!" Harry finished his rant and slumped his shoulders in defeat.
"You need to talk to her, mate. You aren't getting anywhere this way. I've known something was wrong. I reckoned it was the stress of setting up the department."
"How do I manage to talk to her when she is avoiding me?" Harry asked incredulously.
"Maybe if I talk to her?" offered Ron.
"No," replied Harry. "I don't want to put you in the middle. Just because my relationship with her is in the toilet, doesn't mean yours is. Even if this doesn't work out, I won't come between you. I won't let that change the other relationships we've got." Harry spied the bottle of firewhiskey and attempted to drain it without benefit of a glass.
Lupin rushed into the room. "Harry!" he gasped out of breath. "There you are. Hermione is in a panic looking for you. She came by the office in quite a state. What did you do to her?"
Rather than the white-hot anger Harry expected to fill him again, he was surprised by the ice that seemed to permeate his veins. "I had to have done something, did I, Remus?" Harry spat in a deadly cold tone. "I thank you for that show of confidence. I'll now have to ask you to leave before I say something I might regret later."
Remus looked at Harry in shock at his detached words.
Ron chimed in, "I think Harry needs some time to sort himself out. Come along and I'll fill you in. Harry, if I see Hermione I'll tell her where to find you."
"She knows where I live. I forbid you to find her and send her here!" Harry scoffed, raising the bottle again.
Remus allowed Ron to escort him out the door. What seemed only a few minutes later, Harry was enjoying the unemotional bliss of that accompanies too much alcohol in a short time span.
"Can I come in, Harry?" he heard from the door.
"Hermione! How nice of you to stop by…" said Harry with distinctly cold sarcasm.
"Harry, I know you are furious at me. I don't blame you one bit. If you'd stayed I would've explained…" said Hermione in a rush of words.
"And if I hadn't walked in, how long would it have taken for you to tell me what's going on?" snapped Harry.
"What did you think was going on?" Hermione asked accusingly.
"That part I don't know. I haven't ranked high enough on your schedule to find out, you see."
"I'm not having an affair with Alexander, if that's what you've cooked up in that head of yours. I deserve at least a little trust after all these years." Hermione spat back at him.
"Did I accuse you of betraying me? I said 'I don't know what's going on" full stop. And why don't I know, you may ask? I sure as hell asked myself that question many times over the past weeks. I've tried everything I could possibly think of to get your attention and what did I get in return? Two bloody notes. 'Something came up, Harry. Enjoy your lunch!' and 'Sorry I can't make it, Harry. I miss you'! Fifteen sodding words over a span of three weeks are exactly what I got. Now, you are the smart one, tell me what precisely I missed when reading those words. I ask again, if I hadn't walked in on you, how long would it have taken for you to tell me what's going on?"
"What do you want me to say?" she whispered, tears rolling down her face.
Harry struggled between wanting to hold and comfort her and wanting to shout at her for hurting him. "Tell me the truth," he said finally. "All I'm asking is to know what's happening to us. You've always been able to talk to me before about anything."
"I've never been pregnant before…" she said slowly. Harry looked at her in astonishment. "I didn't know how to react. I didn't know how you'd react. I'm a Healer for Merlin's sake! I counsel unwed pregnant witches! How am I supposed to feel when I make the same mistake?"
Harry's eyes retook their former cold element. "A mistake?" he whispered in disbelief.
"Well, there's nothing to worry about now. I miscarried two days ago. Alexander is the Healer that has been treating me." she justified. "It was his shoulder you saw me crying on."
"Why wasn't it mine?" Harry asked. "I don't deserve to know? Have I been reduced in your mind to sperm donor?"
"Don't be crude, Harry, and stop feeling all misunderstood."
"Maybe it's best if you just leave." Harry said coldly.
"Harry, don't do this, please" she begged, grabbing at his arm to prevent him from turning away. "I should have come to you. I know that. I was scared. Can't you understand what I was feeling? I would have told you once I had it sorted out, and then it was too late."
"You've had weeks, Hermione." charged Harry. "You couldn't even acknowledge my gifts. I think I deserve a little time as well."
Hermione tugged her emerald engagement ring from her finger and laid it on the bar in front of him, turned and left. Harry stood in place for the longest time, tears rolling down his own cheeks before he could get them in check.
After sorting himself out, Harry returned to the office and buried himself in his work. He didn't want to think about his broken engagement, much less talk about it. The others in the office gave him wide berth.
When he finally became too tired to think, he apparated home and proceeded to drink his pain away.
"May I have a word, Harry? Lupin asked gently.
Harry nodded without a pause in his efforts to get thoroughly drunk.
"I'm sorry I misjudged you, Harry. When Hermione told me about everything, I urged her to come to you. I told her what pain you were in and how confused you were. I thought that she'd told to you and you'd hurt her in some way, not physically…" he rushed to add at Harry's scowl. "…just didn't react in the way she needed. I jumped to conclusions and I apologize."
"She told you…" Harry stated evenly.
"Yes, about a week ago. I promised to keep her secret. I urged her to talk to you, Harry, but I won't divulge a confidence no matter how close you and I are. I'm sure you respect that of me just as I respect it of you. I know there are things that you will take to the grave, son. Don't hold it against me when I have something I can't tell you."
"That's not it at all, Remus. I know if you give your word, then you are bound by that. What I'm having trouble dealing with is that she kept it from me. I was so close to having all my dreams come true and I don't know about it until they were already shattered."
"What do you mean?" Lupin asked.
"As far back as I can remember, my only dream, my only wish was for a family. At Christmas when I'd be locked in my cupboard watching Dudley open his presents, I'd tell myself that if I had a family they'd give me more presents than he got. And when I got older, I'd tell myself when I had my own family there would be this giant tree, that wouldn't be plastic, buried in presents for my family, so that they wouldn't know what it felt like to be left out. I planned how each person would get the same number of presents as everyone else and how we'd include little joke gifts like the hangers and tissues Aunt Petunia used to give me. How we'd laugh at each other's attempts to give the strangest present…"
"You can still have that, Harry. That dream isn't shattered. That infant wasn't meant to be. I know it hurts to lose a child and I don't mean to belittle that loss. You and Hermione are still young enough to have a houseful of children. The time just isn't right now."
"I hear what you are saying, and I appreciate your words, but I can't help but think that if she can cut me out of her life so easily, keep such a secret from me, that maybe, just maybe, I don't know her as well as I thought I did. She called the baby…my baby…our baby… a mistake!" Harry drew a heavy sigh. "Maybe her breaking our engagement is for the best. I feel like such a fool, Remus. I should know better. There's no 'happily ever after' in my future and I was deluding myself for thinking there could be. I was born for a specific purpose. I did that. To my cost, I did it. If I can prevent someone else from carrying the burdens I've struggled with, then I can consider my life worthwhile." He looked at Lupin and found, to his annoyance, sympathy in the older man's expression. "I'm not feeling sorry for myself, quite the opposite actually. How many people can say they've accomplished their goals by the age of twenty-five? Anything that happens beyond that is bonus."
"You remind me so much of your mother," Lupin replied. "She, also, tried to keep things in perspective. I remember when she and James were planning on going into hiding. She had a party to celebrate the friends they had and the fun times they'd have again. The last part wasn't meant to be but the sentiment is what helped them to carry on. Think of your future, Harry. Carry on like your mum tried to do. If you don't, then Voldemort won in the end. Now that this conversation has gone completely maudlin, might I suggest a glass for your firewhiskey, or at the very least sharing?" Harry and Remus talked long into the wee hours, accomplishing little beyond getting thoroughly pissed.
Finally the day arrived that Harry both dreaded and anticipated. He'd rescheduled his missed appointment with Healer Strankford, and then he was slated to testify at Draco Malfoy's trial.
Hermione was there at his examination, but that wasn't to be helped. She'd been his personal Healer for months. He was anxious about seeing her again. They hadn't kept in touch since they broke off. This was the longest they'd ever gone without speaking. Ron had dutifully kept each informed of the other's well being.
Hermione avoided his eyes as she waved her wand over him. She'd talked to Lupin and knew how Harry was feeling about things, but she couldn't bring herself to apologize. She knew she'd handled things badly. She knew exactly what she should have done. That fact didn't change anything.
Harry watched Hermione's detached attitude as she checked him out. He wanted to be alright again…for her. Maybe if he wasn't injured she wouldn't have been afraid to tell him. Maybe if he didn't have such emotional baggage, she would have come to him crying with joy over their child. Maybe he'd be rubbish at parenthood anyway. It didn't matter. He knew she no longer wanted him. He knew that even their friendship was over. His worst fear had come to be and there wasn't a damn thing he could do about it.
Healer Strankford came in to see how he was doing. "You seem to be making progress, Mr. Potter. These 'brackles' as you've dubbed them have certainly aided your recovery. They seem to be using the muscles enough to prevent degeneration, while giving the bones a chance to strengthen on their own. It is my firm belief that this next round of Skele-gro may be your last. Your leg bones are reading 52.6% strength, which is almost enough to bear the weight of your body. I think after the next round of Skele-gro, your reading will be in the 60's, which is adequate to resume regular activity. It's not perfect, but it's the best we can hope for. For your part, you need to remain away from curses…permanently. I notice you are a 'behind the scenes' guy now. That will help. Healer Granger" he addressed a bemused Hermione. She was so happy for Harry. "Healer Granger, will you be administering Mr. Potter's treatment?"
"No…I…" she stammered unsure of what to say.
"I can take my treatment at Hogwarts. Madam Pomfrey has offered her services to assist me. I don't want to burden Healer Granger any more than I have already." said Harry in an even tone.
"Very well, then. I want to see you two days after your treatment for evaluation. If the readings are above 65%, I can clear you for active duty again, however we both know that isn't in your best interest. Agreed?"
"Agreed." stated Harry who was still studying Hermione. "Yeah, okay" He hadn't been paying much attention; his focus was mainly on his former fiancée. It hurt to see her and remember what they had, remember what could have been. He steeled his resolve and listened to the Healer.
"How is your new post working out for you?" Healer Strankford asked. The Healer was acutely aware of the tension in the room, as well as his colleague's recent loss. "How do you like being a top Ministry Wizard?"
"I like it fine. The department is just about all set. We've been doing a bit here and there, but next month is when we really set out to work. Right now, we're just closing some loose ends. After this I'm to testify against Malfoy…"
Hermione flinched as he said this, remembering the last time. She felt as if her world would end if she didn't have one last kiss. She restrained herself with great effort. She wouldn't allow Harry to face Malfoy thinking she didn't love him.
Healer Strankford left and Harry made ready to leave as well. He refastened the brackles and got dressed in his Ministry robes.
"Don't go, Harry. Let someone else testify," she begged.
"When have I ever let someone else do my job? What does it matter to you anyway?" he answered coldly.
"I still care about you," she said. "I'm begging you not to do this. You could be hurt, permanently this time. I know you haven't found a bodyguard yet. Please don't do this."
"You have given up your right to ask me anything. You've given up your right to care when you removed my ring from your finger. I have a job to do, so do you. I suggest we both get out of here and do the job we were paid to do."
"Kiss me before you go, then. That's all I'll ask, one kiss. If anything happens, at least the last thing I'll remember won't be us fighting." She walked up to him and wrapped her arms around him. He lowered his lips to hers in a brief, yet intense kiss. His entire being wanted to open to her explorations, but he held fast to his restraint and broke the contact.
"I've got to go, see you..." he stated as quickly floated out of the examination room, his head spinning.
Harry forgot Hermione, forgot St Mungo's as he let his training take over upon entering the Ministry. He signed in with the clerk and made his way down to Old Courtroom Ten. He wasn't pleased that the hearing would be held in the same place he'd been held captive. He reminded himself of his duty and moved on toward the courtroom. He went into a side door to wait with the other witnesses. He'd gone over his testimony many times with Shacklebolt, although he wasn't likely to forget the details of his capture soon.
Shacklebolt was already there and looked to be waiting for Harry. They weren't allowed to discuss the case; however a few significant hand gestures and eye movements told Harry that he was in for a long afternoon.