Where Did the Love Go?-Chapter 3
Harry had lots of time on his hands upon his return to The Burrow. Ginny immediately walked away even though they were just feet from one another as they arrived. She didn't acknowledge him at all. Hermione and Ron were still bickering about how Ron could leave such an important aspect of his family out for so long. Harry found that funny, because he wondered if Hermione was embarrassed about what Mr. and Mrs. Weasley might already know about her feelings for Ron. He was sure that was what made her crazy just now.
He walked over and sat quietly in the swing on the porch. The nice thing about his part of Great Britain was that the temperature this time of year was very agreeable most of the time. He could sit outside and enjoy the fresh air.
He listened to Hermione's voice coming from the girl's room upstairs and wondered how she would take it if Mrs. Weasley came home from shopping to hear her son's girlfriend call him every name in the book except Ron. Harry wondered how such a sweet girl like Hermione could become so irate over such a little thing so quickly. He heard the door open and shut but Hermione's voice was still far away. Ron came out on the porch.
"Mate, that woman needs help. Should I tell her that my Dad has a mole on his left thigh too?" joked Ron. He was taking it rather well since Hermione was not very pleasant to him.
"Ron, I am wondering how you could go all this time and never mention it to either of us," said Harry.
"I don't care. I haven't had anything to really hide. Maybe it's because I'm always so consumed
with the Voldemort junk they just tune me out. You think that might be it?"
"Harry, I keep trying to tell Hermione that my parents don't sit down in a trance and try to connect to every living human being on the planet. They just seem to sense things are amiss and then the ability kicks in, sheesh." Ron made sense with that bit of logic. The only thing Harry could think though was that they might be more protective of Ginny and more likely to smell a rat with a guy chasing their daughter around.
"So, I thought people would be coming here today when you mentioned having a pick up Quidditch Match tonight mate," said Harry inquisitively.
"Yeah, I suppose there are a lot more details than just having a bunch of Hogwarts students just leave home and come the our house," said Ron. "I might have kind of gotten ahead of myself there."
Harry responded with, "Yeah, you're probably right about that. This has been a really confusing day for me. I don't know which end is up sometimes."
"Let's take a walk, Harry. I want to talk about Hermione and Ginny away from earshot," said Ron.
Harry liked the way this conversation was beginning. In the past Ron seemed almost belligerent when it came to protecting Ginny. He seemed rather calm at the moment and he seemed to have more on his mind. For Ron that was a good thing. He was a terror when he got one thing on his mind and wouldn't let it go.
"Harry, Ginny said something just now that seemed a little weird. Hermione congratulated her on getting back with you and Ginny tearfully said that nothing like that happened," Ron paused. "What gives, mate?"
"I'm glad to hear she said that Ron. I would rather she explain it to you after we talk tonight. She and I are going to talk about us later," divulged Harry.
"Don't hurt her mate," said Ron with no malice in his voice. "She loves you very much. I learned that over the past few weeks. I just thought it was a teenage crush thing where you two could get yourselves in too deep and do something stupid."
Harry was taken by surprise at the way Ron was talking. He seemed to have a better handle on it than Harry would have given him credit for. "Ron, it is what it is. We love each other. But at our age any intense feelings for the opposite sex can make it seem like love. I know you've heard that song, `Love isn't Always Enough' or something like that…anyway that sounds like the title. When that happens there is no way to avoid feeling the hurt. "
"I suppose that's true enough," said Ron.
Harry contemplated the idea of being brutally honest with his best friend. It was time to bring Ron into the real world, he thought. If it turned out badly, he was sure they could make an excuse when they got back to the house for the bloody noses. "Ron, there will never be a Ginny and Harry, so-to-speak, ever again. I mean, we don't need to hurt each other. She got me through a tough spot in my life and that was it. I have to move on to the thing that will give me a chance to live my life…Voldemort and the Horcruxes."
"So, what then was the hugging and handholding all about today? I would have sworn I saw something between you two," said Ron just as straightforwardly.
"You saw two mature people able to avoid tearing each other apart. I'm not going to be mean to her just to make her want to leave me alone, Ron. I'm not a jerk like you, running off and finding someone else to snog with to make Hermione jealous," Harry said as he realized he had just enflamed the situation.
"That's unfair, Harry. You know it too. She went with McClaggan to that party thing only so she could rub my nose in it," said Ron. "She's always trying to make me jealous."
"I hope you see that it's not the same thing, Ron. When you wouldn't even acknowledge your feelings even two years after the Yule Ball, she had to start accepting other guys' invitations. She never knew if you were man enough to ask her or be what she needed. I'm really sorry mate, if that sounds like I'm sticking up for her. She never once kissed a boy in front of you. As a matter of fact, you took it on rumor that she'd kissed Viktor."
"Harry, we're talking about you and Ginny," said Ron. "Why did you turn it into a discussion about me and Hermione?" Ron had a scowl on his face.
"Because I already told you that Ginny and I will make it official tonight. We will talk and figure out how to treat each other in spite of our broken relationship. We won't go and get someone else to snog in public or say hurtful things just to end it," said Harry who was angry for the first time now. "For me, that's the end of it. You've kind of pissed me off now, because I still don't think you realize what a great girlfriend you have. You're still living in the past about `she did this to me' stuff. What about Hermione?"
"Harry, that's just what I wanted to talk to you about Hermione. Love sucks. Especially, when you've loved someone for a very long time and then realize it isn't what it's cracked up to be," said Ron. "Don't get me wrong, I'm not ready to give her up. I'm just not sure that she's `the one'," said Ron putting the emphasis with his fingers like quotation marks as he said `the one'.
Harry never saw that coming. He was sure that Ron was like man's best friend when it came to Hermione. He thought she could toss him a bone and he'd go fetch it even if it fell in a pile of cow manure. He looked hard at his friend and a million questions filled his head. He asked the one that seemed to matter most at the moment. "When did you figure this out?"
"Oh, it's just been in the last couple of days. I always wondered why I was so slow with Hermione and jumped all over that skank Lavender. I shouldn't say that about her, but the way she'd let me put my hands all over her she'd better be careful of someone who wanted more. I think they would get lucky in an instant at her expense I think," said Ron.
"I don't follow," said Harry.
"Everyone gives me a hard time about not showing Hermione affection. They assume it's because I wouldn't know what to do with a naked woman if she fell in my lap begging for sex," said Ron smiling. "Am I right? Isn't that what people think."
Harry laughed, "Yeah, that's pretty much what they think."
"It's not that at all. When I wake up thinking of my day, I think about how long it will be until I see her, Harry. That's how much she means to me. But as we talk and move through a day, I find it harder and harder to focus on just Hermione. I think about other girls Harry. Today, walking through the Ministry I saw a cute girl who smiled back at me and I felt guilty as I walked with Hermione. I would've been timid with her like I am Hermione."
"Ron, do you hear yourself? That makes no sense," said Harry. "Hell, you and I have never had a conversation this long about girls in our life and now you tell me that Hermione isn't good enough for you? Some girl who smiled at you in the Ministry was enough to make you consider cheating on her? And, you don't understand why I say you've acted like an arse with Hermione." Harry was really upset with Ron now.
"Whoa, whoa, Harry what's all this? It's as if you are Hermione's personal bodyguard or something. We're guys. Shoot, Charlie once told me he went out with a girl at Hogwarts because she had the reputation of sleeping around. You act like that's what I'm doing," said Ron. "I care for Hermione, but it's like I feel as if it was one of those arranged marriage things. We were childhood friends and now it's supposed to continue."
For Harry, that moment seemed catastrophic. This was one of those things that was like finding out that Father Christmas wasn't real. Ron was his best mate and he would never rat him out to anyone, but he now felt like he would lose Hermione too. He took a deep breath and realized that wasn't true. They'd still be friends, but she would be devastated. "Ron, I don't believe you just figured this out."
Harry just stood there looking at Ron. They were standing in the middle of the orchard, yet Harry felt like he was being crushed and overwhelmed.
"Harry, I swear. This feeling was always there, I just never could put it into words until Hermione and I stayed up last night. It was fun to sneak off, but I felt guilty. She doesn't know how I feel and I'm not going to tell her anytime soon either," said Ron.
"Wait a second!" Harry shouted at Ron. "You're going to let her think that everything is okay? How long is that going to go on?"
"I don't know but not a real long time," said Ron.
"Ron, this is crazy. To you a short time was two years waiting to tell her you love her and then six weeks later you're done with her," said Harry. "At least, with Ginny, it happened fast and it ended fast on my side. I couldn't help how she felt all that time but I didn't let her linger either when I knew it wasn't right for me."
"What, I should walk up and tell her right now?" asked Ron sarcastically. "I'm sorry Hermione, I
didn't like snogging with you as much as I did with Lavender. It's over. By the way, that's not true but I
couldn't think of one other reason for breaking up with her than it just doesn't feel right between us. I have
to work too hard at it. Why the hell can't you help me instead of telling me what a jerk I am? I already know
that."
Harry finally heard the remorse in Ron's voice. "So, you don't see it huh? You don't see a future with her?" He felt sorry for himself at the moment and he didn't know why. Ron was one of those guys who would fall into dumb luck and meet some really great girl. He'd never regret it, thought Harry. But Hermione will move on and find some really great guy and it'll never be the same with my best friends.
Ron shook his head. "Things like what just happened with her really make me sure of it too. She doesn't think I get it and she just harps at me until I give in. I can't take that."
"Why don't you do the same as I'm doing with Ginny? Go somewhere and talk. Tell her how you feel. I'm sure she'll be devastated but there is no easy way to do it," said Harry.
"Harry? You were always able to explain things better to her than I was. Will you help me set it up so it's easier to take?" pleaded Ron.
Harry could feel the nauseous feeling again. "Ron, I'm not going to break up with your girlfriend for you. How the hell would that work anyway? What am I supposed to do walk up to her and tell her you joined the circus as a magician and you're never coming back?"
"That would be a good story. I could go away for a while," said Ron with a smile.
"You're pathetic, Ron. You have faced some pretty horrible things with me in the past, yet you can't tell a girl it's over," said Harry. "You will have to do this on your own. I'm not going to be part of anything that hurts Hermione when this was preventable. All you had to do was tell her last night or two weeks ago or a month ago…get my drift."
"Yes, and I understand how you feel about it Harry. She's your friend and she might decide to go home. That's another thing. You two are a little too close for my liking," said Ron.
"Yeah, I suppose since I talk to her and listen to her, so she needed me to keep from going crazy with a buffoon like you for an almost official boyfriend the past few years," Harry said forcing a smile trying not to answer Ron's allegations. They were obvious and Harry knew Ron would never understand Hermione and his friendship. "Just don't tell her without letting me know you're going to do it. I don't want her running off without a chance to say goodbye." Surprisingly to Harry, Ron didn't say anymore about he and Hermione.
"I won't," said Ron. "So, you and Ginny are done. I am shocked after today."
"You have no idea what shocking is then, Ron. No idea whatsoever," said Harry as Ron walked away.
"Harry, I can smell supper. We'll be eating soon," said Ron in the distance.
Harry smelled it too. He felt the pressure mounting in his chest. His thoughts were racing now that he didn't have a conversation to concentrate on. "What's wrong with me? This isn't my problem? It's Ron's and Hermione's. Why is this such a big deal?" After a few minutes, he settled down and realized that there was no way he could figure it out in just a few minutes. Of course this was a different feeling than he felt when someone died, but it had the same significance for some reason. It felt like the world had changed. He shrugged and kicked a stone he found on the ground all the way back to the house, thinking.
___ ___
With dinner finished, he knew the moment of truth with Ginny had arrived. He hadn't been able to look anyone except the twins and Mr. and Mrs. Weasley in the eye during the entire meal. No one asked why and he didn't offer any explanations.
He walked slowly toward the meeting place with Ginny. He was emotionally exhausted. He wondered how Hermione would take it if, as Harry feared, Ron just blurted out that it was over. He also knew that Hermione was probably sad for him and Ginny for no reason at all. This shouldn't be sad at all. He would make it quick and leave Ginny with an understanding of what happened and few hard feelings. That's what he hoped anyway.
She stood under the tree with her long red hair blowing as she faced into the wind with her eyes closed. "So, this isn't going to be a pleasant reunion, is it Harry?"
Harry had no idea how she knew he was there, but he responded quietly and quickly, "No, not if you were expecting to get back together," he explained.
"Why are we even doing this to each other Harry? If it's over, it's over." Ginny resolved.
"Ginny, I just didn't want you to misunderstand anything. I want you to know that there is nothing that you did to deserve being dumped like I did at the memorial service. It was just a feeling I had. And, since, I realized that I am not really after a relationship."
"What does that mean?" she asked.
"It means that anything that happened between us would be purely selfish and I care for you too much to pretend," he said. "You're a great girl and maybe as bright as I've ever met. You are certainly the most mature for your age that I've ever met. I want to know I did the right thing and told you how great you are. You don't have to believe it and you can hate me for saying and letting you go anyway, but one day you'll know I really cared and it's not just something I said to be nice."
"You could have wrote that in a letter instead of making me cry in front of you," she said as the tears started to flow.
"Sure, and I'd never know if you read the letter," said Harry. "I don't feel very happy at the moment either."
"So, is that it? Can I go back to my room?" asked Ginny.
"Yes, did you have anything to say?" asked Harry. "How do you want to handle it when we're around each other?"
"Harry, I can't answer that. I don't think it works that way. I'm hurting inside. When people ask, tell the truth about it. I will do the same. I think we ended it soon enough that I won't hate you forever. But right now, I'm not sure how I feel," she said wiping her eyes leaning back against the base of a smaller tree opposite the willow. "I have to go," she added as she walked off.
Harry felt another twinge of sadness. Today just wasn't going the way it started out, full of promise and happy feelings. He saw the campfire in the backyard again tonight. It seemed weird but who would be their tonight. The only ones so far had been Ron and Hermione. It didn't seem like Ron would be building one with Hermione anytime soon.
As he approached he noticed it was Hermione sitting alone by the fire tonight. He decided to do things a little differently than in the past. Ron made it easier for him to be lighter and friendlier than he had been with Hermione before. "Screw him," thought Harry. "So what if he thinks we're too close."
"Hey, good-lookin', whatchya up to?" asked Harry in a goofy way he'd never spoke to Hermione in before.
Hermione must have been deep in thought because he startled her. "Oh, hey, Harry," she answered. "You scared me half to death because no one has said that to me before."
"I'm sorry, it's just been a weird day and I felt like breaking the monotony," he said. "May I?" he motioned to sitting right next to her as opposed to the other side like he'd done in the past and let her come to him. "So what's got you so deep in thought?"
"A few things. One is that I know you and Ginny were going to talk and she didn't sound positive about the outcome. Me neither, now that I know you are alone," she said. "I'm sorry it didn't work out Harry. I won't ask unless you offer to tell me about it."
"You know what Hermione, I'm over it. People generally suck and I'm no different," he said without realizing it.
"What? Where did that come from?" asked Hermione giggling nervously.
"Oh, I mean it in general. Life just makes you make unfair choices sometimes and you never know why," he said kind of flippantly.
"Is this the new Harry? The one that comes after Ginny?" asked Hermione rather seriously.
"I suppose when you have to hurt someone you really don't want to hurt, you kind of feel jaded and disgusted with life," said Harry. "Why is it that when I'm with you alone I talk ten times more than when I'm with anyone else?"
"I don't know Harry, but I don't mind. It's better than the silence Ron gives me," she smiled at Harry. "Thanks for that."
"What's up Hermione, what the heck are you doing sitting out here instead of cuddling up with a good book on wart removal?" teased Harry. "After all, wart removal is important.'
"Are you referring to Ron as a wart and he needs to be removed from my life?" asked Hermione in playful tone. "Because that's what I wonder sometimes and it's why I'm sitting out here tonight."
Any other night Harry would have howled in laughter. Somehow the irony of this day was so thick he could feel it closing in on him. "Why? Are you still angry from this afternoon?"
"I suppose it's that and a few other things. I never thought that a relationship with someone would be so much work. When I was a kid, my Uncle on my Dad's side would come over and help my Dad with stuff around the house. My Aunt, his wife, would sit in the kitchen with my Mom and complain that if she didn't kick his butt he'd never do anything," Hermione recounted. "Don't ask me why I remember the specifics of that now, but that's the way I feel with Ron at this particular moment. I can't imagine what it would be like being married to someone like that. Yet, he loves the positive attention he gets from his Mom and me."
Harry knew now that he needed to keep his opinions to himself. He would never be able to keep the conversation with Ron that afternoon a secret if he started talking about it. "Well, I suppose that's the reason why we date different people growing up," said Harry. "We learn what we can deal with and what we can't."
"Wow, that's good insight Harry. The problem is that I haven't been in a real relationship except this one to gauge it by," she sighed.
"Neither have I, Hermione."
They sat quietly for a few minutes until Hermione laid back and looked up at the stars. "Lean back with me, Harry."
Harry leaned back until he was flat on his back next to Hermione looking at the stars. He had his arms folded at his stomach, but Hermione moved over took his arm pulled it around her shoulders and put her head on his shoulder. "I'm sorry, I just like to cuddle and you're available Harry. Do you mind?"
How could he mind the softness of her hair against his cheek and tenderness of her hand as he held it. He felt a twinge of satisfaction for a brief moment. When it subsided a question popped into his head for Hermione. "You aren't doing this to make Ron jealous are you?"
Hermione let go of his hand and propped herself up on her arm to look Harry in the eye. "Why would you ask me that, Harry?"
Harry wished he hadn't said it now, but he had so he had to go with the flow. "Well, it just seems that you and Ron have done this to each other before. I know you didn't do it for that purpose, but it had the same effect. I just don't want to get in the middle."
"Why would Ron be jealous of you? I mean he knows we're close," said Hermione naively.
That question made Harry squirm a little. Unless he was a threat to their relationship, how could this be a problem? "I don't know, maybe he would see it like I enjoy being with you too much." Harry didn't have a clue where that last comment came from and he chose not to elaborate.
Harry wasn't sure whether what he said was lost on Hermione or she chose to ignore it. Either way, she snuggled loser. Why did he get the sudden urge to pull her even closer yet? He did it naturally and she didn't object. He could see her face clearly just a few inches from his own with her eyes closed. He turned his head and stared at the stars completely comfortable until his own eyes started to lose focus as he fell asleep with Hermione close.
Harry awoke to the sound of strange but oddly familiar voices. He realized where he was and who he was with so he pretended to remain asleep. "Don't they look cozy and happy?" said one girl.
"Yeah, but I wonder what Ron thinks about it," giggled another.
A third voice popped into the conversation, "Leave them alone, they're friends." Harry recognized that voice as Neville's. He was thankful for his comment. He didn't know whether Hermione was a wake or not, but he doubted that she would sleep much longer if the trail of DA members continued. All three voices trailed off into the distance.
Harry whispered to Hermione. "Hermione, are you awake?"
She barely moved and Harry immediately realized she had no idea what had just happened. "Harry, are you uncomfortable or something?" Any other time he would have laughed at her groggy reply, but tonight didn't seem like the night to be seen by more people cuddled up by a fire with his best friend's girlfriend.
"Hermione, wake up. The other DA members are here and some of them have seen us here?" he said in a hushed but frantic tone.
Hermione's eyes opened quickly, but she didn't move. Her reaction surprised him, but he brushed it off as a half-awake comment that she didn't really mean. "Screw `em if they can't take a joke," she said as her eyes fluttered and he seemed to struggle to get her voice.
A few seconds later she added, "It's none of their business and we didn't do anything to be ashamed of. I'm surprised it bothers you to be seen with me."
Harry felt the urge to laugh, but held back. "Girls, I don't understand you," he thought. "I'm only thinking of you. Never mind me, I'll survive. I just don't want anyone talking bad about you. But have it your way."
All Harry could think of to say was, "Go back to sleep then, I don't care if you don't."
Without another word, Hermione place her hand across Harry's chest and laid her head back down where it had been. He closed his eyes again wondering just how late it was. It couldn't be that late because the noise of voices in the Weasley house kept getting louder and louder.
Harry wasn't sure how long he'd slept but the roles were reversed this time. Hermione was waking him. "Hey, sleepy head, time to go up to bed. That is if they didn't give your bed away." She laughed at the look on his face as he looked for his glasses lying next to him.
"You know the rumors will start again," he said.
"What rumors? You mean the ones that you and I were caught sleeping together next to a campfire in wide-open view of God and everyone? I don't think that much of a rumor could start based on that, do you? I mean they can talk about it but it's hardly a rumor. It's a fact." she giggled. "And if they embellish it to be more, so what. We tell them that we got comfortable and that was that."
Harry was happy she had such a healthy attitude toward it and wouldn't let it worry her. "Be ready though. Don't say I didn't warn you."
"Ah, let them talk," said Hermione completely ignoring how Ron might react until now. "As for Ron, I'll tell him that until he's got time for me, you and I will spend every evening together." The thought of Ron using that to his advantage passed through his mind.
Harry wasn't sure he liked that idea but what the heck. They were friends. "Good night, Hermione."
"Good night, Harry. By the way, I like your cologne." She winked as she waved her wand from the door of the house and the fire slowly went out.
Harry spent the next few moments in the dark sitting on the picnic bench as the voices inside slowly died out. He wondered how Ron couldn't see this playfully fun side of Hermione. Or maybe, it was because they had nothing to lose. Hermione and he could be like that together. He started his walk toward the house wondering if she was serious about spending the evenings with him if Ron was too busy. He hoped Ron would be busy from now on. "Now isn't that a weird possibility?" he thought.
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