Hermione's Choice--Chapter 6
(She said)
"Harry, wake up!" Harry awoke with a start at the sound of Hermione's voice.
"What's wrong? Are you okay?" Harry replied groggily as the early morning sun burned his eyes.
"Of course, I am. I just didn't intend on staying out until the sun came up. I'm in the same room with Ginny," she reminded him.
"Oh, yeah," said Harry. "I'm just not with it yet." He smiled.
Hermione smiled back but she sat a few feet away. "Okay, here's the plan. I was upset about Ron just leaving me there. We went off talked and fell asleep again. Only this time we kind of lost track of time. Okay? Got it?"
Harry couldn't help but feel that he was missing something. He didn't know what it was yet. "Are you okay, Hermione?" He asked again.
"Harry, it's nothing bad. Trust me. I just let things go faster than I thought things could ever go with a guy. We'll talk later. But right now, I need to avoid feeling like the world thinks I cheated on Ron with his best friend." Hermione's voice seemed a little unstable. She put her hand to the side of Harry's face as fresh tears rolled down her cheeks, "I do love you, Harry. Just don't lose faith in me if I seem weird. I'm scared and I don't know if I can acknowledge what happened right away, the way you could. I have to go in now. Don't hate me."
Hermione got up quickly, kissed Harry on the cheek and went inside without looking back.
Hermione sat on the edge of the bed hoping that Ginny hadn't noticed her missing during the night. She changed to a bathrobe and slippers to go to the shower. She heard Ginny stir.
"Good morning, Hermione. You're up early. What time did you get to bed?" asked Ginny.
Hermione had no idea what to say. She didn't want to lie, but she was overwrought with fear that people would start talking again and the stories would get worse. "I just got in," she said without thinking. She looked back at Ginny with tears in her eyes.
Considering the circumstances between Harry and Ginny, Hermione was surprised at the compassion in Ginny's voice. "So, you two kind of overslept, huh?" The words could have been accusatory or venomous but they weren't. "Hermione, I'm not stupid."
Hermione didn't know whether this was a nightmare in the making or not. She had no one to talk to. "How could I not see it? I can't talk to you about this, Ginny. I would go crazy trying to explain things that I barely understand and you would hate me for," said Hermione.
"Hermione, no one in my family except Ron will be surprised about you and Harry," said Ginny honestly. "I didn't expect it to be so blatant, but I'm not surprised. By the way, I've been awake for two hours so I'm glad you didn't lie."
Hermione couldn't take the pressure of talking to Ginny anymore. Every second that passed while talking to her, she felt more uncomfortable. The thing was that it wasn't that she regretted telling Harry she loved him, it was the absence of anger on Ginny's part and her assertion that everyone knew. "Ginny, I have to get ready for the day. I need to take a shower." She opened the door and walked hurriedly into the bathroom.
She put the water on a cool but not cold setting, stepped in and let the water run over her. Normally she wouldn't let her hair get wet on a day like today, but there was grass in her hair. The soft massaging action of the water touching her skin calmed her. The anxiety began to lessen and the urge to cry was gone.
She closed her eyes and let the water cascade over her shoulders and run its course over her body to the shower floor below. Hermione began talking to herself to try to make sense of all this. "I can't dwell on how it happened," she whispered. "That will drive me crazy I'm sure. The question is, how do I slow Harry down without hurting him? I love him and I want him in my life, but as a lover and boyfriend?" She shook her head in disbelief as the thought soaked in.
"I've never let go like that before. It was amazing. My body tingled more strongly than ever before. Am I crazy? How could Harry make me feel so alive in such a short time? No boy I've kissed ever made me feel those things. I don't know if I would have stopped." Tears of joy erupted spontaneously. She was happy and sad at the same time. "Ron, I didn't cheat on you. I never loved you like this."
Those words were cathartic. She had felt guilty on a very subtle level until that very moment. She had never reached a point where Ron made her feel like sex was the next step in their relationship. He'd never kissed her like Harry had. Harry could have asked her and her mind might not have overridden her body. That's what scared her now. "I have to slow him down." For the first time she giggled. "That's a lie. I don't want him to stop being passionate. I have to find a way to build my resistance. I want that feeling again. I'm just not ready for sex," she said aloud as someone began banging on the door.
"Come on, quit hogging the shower. Other people need to use it," yelled Harry obviously not knowing she was inside. Hermione giggled. She felt sad because she could hear the frustration in his voice. She was sure that he would have to relieve his sexual tension here in the bathroom this morning. She had been tempted to do that herself. She couldn't face him. She turned off the water, grabbed two towels wrapping one around her hair turban-style, and the other she took do dry off in the room. This was going to be a delicate maneuver. She concentrated hard on Ginny's room twisted the door knob and Apparated down the hall leaving Harry standing in front of the empty bathroom.
"Feel better?" asked Ginny. A little bit of the anxiety returned as she faced Ginny.
"How can you sit there and not be mad as hell at me? Or rather, how can you not be furious at the both of us and want revenge? I don't hear any of that in your voice," asked Hermione. She had to confront Ginny just to clear her conscience.
What happened next would probably stick with Hermione the rest of her life. Ginny laughed. She didn't just laugh; she covered her mouth to keep from making a huge scene. "You don't get it do you. When you guys weren't around, everyone who has ever seen you two together have said this at least once: When are they going to figure it out?" Ginny got up and walked to her window. "I watched you from here two nights ago. I cried, Hermione. I wish I had someone who made me laugh and allowed me to be myself like Harry and you carry on together."
A faint trickle of a tear ran out of the corner of Ginny's eye. "Forgive me, if I am a little jealous and angry, Hermione. It's not because Harry was my boyfriend so much as it is that I feel really lonely when I see what love could be like. I was with him and he never made me feel the way you two look together. That's why I never questioned Harry too hard about breaking it off with me. I knew it would save me the heartache when he found you. It was just a matter of time."
Hermione wasn't sure that she believed what she was hearing. They were teenagers, for god's sake. What teenager cares about others like that when it comes to their love life? Hermione wasn't sure she could have done what Ginny was describing. "Ginny, I can't believe you can just let this happen without being angrier than you are. I don't want to offend you, but what gives?"
"I've been angry with you a hundred times over, Hermione. I'm used to it. I used to get mad when Harry turned his attention to you when he flew by at Quidditch or when you spoke at our dinner table at Christmas or during the summer. I'm done competing with you. I learned a long time ago, that it was no use. I just wanted you guys to find each other so I could move on. It was horrible thinking that maybe I was wrong and there was a chance for me. That's how I ended up with Harry in the first place," she admitted.
"What does Ron think?" asked Hermione.
"Who knows what that goof thinks," said Ginny as a dark pall came over her face giving way to a smile. "I love him more than anyone else in my family, so I could never hurt him. And, as long as you remained unattached to Harry, I didn't mention my thoughts about it to him. I don't think anyone else has either. Most of us probably just thought it was a dynamic of your relationship as a group."
"So, Ron is clueless?" asked Hermione. A few seconds later, she added. "Duh, Ron? Clueless? Never in a million years."
Again Ginny squirmed imperceptibly but maintained her composure. "Until this morning I'll bet." Ginny seemed to know more than she was saying, but Hermione ignored it since this was an awkward conversation to begin with. "I really don't know what his problem is with you. I don't think any guy could be as inept with one girl as he's been with you. It may be that he's like I was with Harry only he doesn't know what makes him feel that your relationship with him is doomed."
Hermione tried to soak all of this in. She wondered how Harry was taking things. She still felt uncomfortable with how she let herself go. Something bothered her. She had to ask Ginny one last thing. "Were you and Harry, you know…intimate?" She was afraid of the answer yet she had to ask because that was one area where she and Harry had drawn the line in sharing their secrets.
"No, Hermione, we didn't get intimate. I know this may surprise you at the moment but Harry's just another guy. He may seem to be all that and a bag of chips," giggled Ginny. "But he's only special to you right now. Most people like him because he is so darn genuine and rarely mean to anyone, but he's arrogant sometimes and that makes him kind of irritating."
Hermione didn't like Ginny putting Harry down like that, but she understood that those were qualities about Harry that did rub people the wrong way. Sometimes she forgot that just because he is Harry Potter - The Boy that Lived-he wasn't perfect. He was just another teenage kid trying to get through life. She felt better and held back from defending him. She knew she wasn't perfect either.
"So, what are you going to do, Hermione? There are a lot of people who probably notice you missing last night. Ron will certainly know that Harry didn't come back," Ginny reminded her.
"I don't know, but I'm not going to tell anyone anything about what happened. I mean, at least not right now," said Hermione.
"Oookaaaay," said Ginny dragging out the word. "What if Harry gets antsy and can't keep it quiet?"
"I'll just have to explain why and he'll have to trust me. Otherwise I'll just have to kick his butt," she giggled as Ginny's eyebrows went up in surprise. "Harry's got a surprise or two coming too. I'm not ready to just change my life in one night. He's going to have to put things in perspective too. I think he's living in his fantasy of me a little too much. I think I am too. That will hurt us in the long run if we don't slow things down."
For the first time since Hermione's return, Ginny didn't have a response. She just said, "Uh huh," and nodded.
Hermione was happy at that moment. She also knew that what awaited her was not going to be easy. Harry would likely feel hurt and she would most probably have to endure more pressure from her peers. Ginny got up and started getting ready for the shower by the time Hermione had dried her hair. "Talk to you later, Ginny?" Hermione said hesitantly.
"If you need me I'm here, but I suspect things will change dramatically today," said Ginny in an ominous tone. "Believe me, you can try to play it safe, but I don't think it will work."
Hermione left Ginny and started down the hall. Her hair was still a bit damp and she'd forgotten the things she needed to keep her hair up off her shoulders. She went back to the room and saw she must not have closed the door all the way. She cracked it open and heard the muffled sobs. Her heart broke as she saw Ginny lying on the bed crying into her pillow. Hermione was so thankful for Ginny at that moment. Thankfully, what she needed she could get from where she was. She pulled the door to the same point and left again.
Little did Hermione know the reason for Ginny's sorrow and the kind of day this was turning out to be.
____ ____
(he said)
He watched helplessly as Hermione disappeared into the house. Had he touched her in their sleep and scared her? Was he wrong about them? Did they just get carried away in the moment? Was she just saying those things as she left so she didn't hurt him? Harry's mind reeled. He wanted to kiss her again. The spot where her hand brushed his face still feel alive from her touch. He ached to know what just happened.
He pulled a long piece of grass from where he sat and chewed on it absentmindedly as he thought things through. "Women!"
He stood up and dusted himself off. He was wearing sorts and runners so he thought he'd come up with a story if no one pressed him that he'd had nervous energy to burn so he'd gone for a run. He knew it was not normal for him to do that, but this wasn't a normal time in his life. Then he realized that would look more suspicious than ever. He was full of energy though, so he took off running. Slowly at first, but as he felt his lungs taking in the air he could feel a little of the frustration flowing out of him. He only ran for five or six minutes, but he felt better and his thought returned to that excuse now that he looked the part.
Mr. Weasley was outside near the fire pit with Charlie. "Out for a morning jog, Harry?" Charlie went in the house. Harry could see that they were starting the fire for cooking already. Harry looked at his shirt because it was sticking to him. Maybe Mr. Weasley wasn't reading his mind. "You know when I was younger I'd get the frustration out of my system with a little run in the morning. That was long before it was popular with muggles." Harry realized that it had just been a coincidence that Mr. Weasley commented on it. "I'm surprised that you don't sleep in like Ron," continued Arthur.
Harry didn't know what to say, but he knew if he said too much Mr. Weasley would catch on to something. He and Mrs. Weasley were remarkable that way. But something told Harry he could trust his confidence and he needed to get some of it out into the open. "I had a rough, night, Sir. Another like the night before last if you know what I mean," he said hoping not to have to give details.
"Oh, so, you were trying to get over woman problems I guess," he winked. "Anything I can help you with?" An expression of understanding passed over his face and he continued before Harry could say anything. "I told you she was vulnerable Harry. It's obvious to me that you're both confused and Ron isn't helping matters much." He looked around to make sure no one else could hear. "Ron won't take it well at this point Harry."
"How much do you know?" asked Harry in amazement.
"Only that I was a teenager in love once too, Harry. You don't sit outside two days in a row and just look at stars without seeing fireworks," he said smiling. "I only know you two must have made the connection because you look happy and confused at the same time. That's how guys usually look when they find a girl. Please just remember to be patient with Ron. This will be hard on him."
Mr. Weasley signaled that he was done talking by returning to his work. It was an abrupt ending to the conversation, but he understood why a second later. Charlie had returned with a pan full of sausages for the grill. "Hey, Harry," he said and just walked by.
Harry went inside and saw Ron fast asleep so he grabbed some clothes and a towel and headed for the bathroom. He noticed that it was much earlier than they'd originally thought. It was only seven. Maybe his and Hermione's luck wouldn't run out this time. The door was locked and the shower was running, so he went back to the room and sat quietly for a few minutes.
Ron stirred and woke up. He looked at Harry with a glare that he hadn't seen since his name had been pulled from the Goblet of Fire. "Are you screwing my girlfriend?" he accused.
Harry was dumbfounded at the question. He was going to have to find a way to make this go away or he and Ron were going to fight. He could feel it. "No, you jerk. But if you don't quit treating her like you do, you won't ever either." All Harry could think of was to stay respond in anger like he had before when Ron got like this, but go on the offensive this time. "She asked you nicely to go away alone together and to get you something to drink, you arsehole and you treated her like crap."
"You stay out of our business then. What did you do then? Did you go console her? Whose friend are you anyway? Mine or hers?" he asked angrily.
"You know you may be the dumbest motherfucker I've ever met," said Harry hating to talk to Ron like that and rarely ever using that word. "Do you have to ask that question? You must live in a different galaxy from the rest of us. You acted like Hermione should have fun after you did that to her. No, she didn't cry or put up a fuss, but she needed to know she didn't deserve to be treated like that. So we took a walk and we found a place to sit. We came back and sat out front until just a while ago talking." Harry never realized what the implication was of a guy and a girl talking until was. "So don't act all threatening like, because it's not right."
"So, you'll stick up for her then, huh?" said Ron.
"If she had done the same to you, I'd be there sticking up for you," said Harry and under different circumstances that would be true and he knew it. "But she wouldn't come to me the next day and ask if I were screwing her boyfriend?" Harry didn't realize what he was saying until he'd set it. Even in the heat of the moment, Ron saw the humor in that and so did Harry.
He laughed with Ron, but underneath he was getting angrier at Hermione's request that he didn't say anything. He even resented Mr. Weasley a little at this point for making him feel guilty about not letting Ron break things off.
The moment of calm had passed. Harry realized it when Ron got up wringing his hands. "Harry, stay away from Hermione. I think you're the reason for our problems. She has a boyfriend and she needs to learn to deal with me and not get comfort from you."
Harry's thoughts turned to the image of the night before. He couldn't believe what he was hearing, "Ron, you bastard. No, I won't stay away from her. You'll have to learn to deal with me. If you hurt her again, I'll come after you. I love you both, but I'll be damned if either one of you will act like a complete monster to the other without someone telling you about it."
Ron wasn't used to someone standing up to him. They usually let his moods pass and he almost always came back later and apologized so they were in uncharted territory. "What? You sneaky little git. I think you and her are fooling around behind my back. I should have pounded you the other night."
Harry remembered his vow the other day if it ever came to this. "Ron, you can pound me. You can hate me all you want. But you weren't listening. I said I love you both. Blokes don't say that to other blokes, man. I said it to you. Don't accuse me of being disloyal to you. You would be wrong. I may not be handling things right, but neither are you. I'll say it again, don't hurt her again, Ron. I'm not going to let you."
Harry had stood up and faced Ron who was a good three inches taller and full of rage. "Fuck you, Harry. Just fuck you. I've been your mascot for years and I won't let anyone step on you, but you can't fuck with my life like this. Not this part of it anyway. She loves me and few people have ever felt that way about me. I'm trying to figure it out, but it's not easy. So stay away and let me figure this out you, jackass." Harry often teared up in frustration but not Ron. Today the roles reversed.
There was a knock at the door. "Are you two done?' asked Ginny. I'm right next door and this is frightful. "Hermione's in the shower across the hall, maybe you should take it up with her." Ginny slammed the door and went back to her room.
Harry grabbed his things and stormed across the hall and pounded on the door. "Come on, quit hogging the shower. Other people need to use it," yelled Harry suddenly angry at Hermione for allowing Ron to treat her that way and make him hold back.
A few seconds later the door popped open and the bathroom was empty. Harry was hell bent on confronting her until he realized what a blessing it was that the bathroom was empty and she'd escaped. He realized that the Patils predictions were coming true, but at a much faster rate. He went into the bathroom and closed the door.
___ ____
When Harry came down for breakfast there was a hush of silence around the tables that he knew was unnatural. He didn't see Hermione or Ron and Mr. Weasley sat looking at his food shaking his head avoiding Harry's gaze.
"You missed it Harry. It was cool. Ron came down here just a minute ago and started raging at Hermione about you two. I'd avoid him if I were you," said Seamus.
"Harry, come sit with me," said Luna.
Harry looked at all the faces staring at him. He was marked. He was the one who caused all this is what they seemed to say. The Patils looked away from him and continued to talk to each other as he opened his arms to them as if to say, "What happened?"
He took Luna's offer as he felt the urge to vomit. "What happened here, Luna?"
He knew he'd get the simplified truth from her. "Seamus, exaggerated a bit. Ron came down and started to sit down quietly next to Hermione when suddenly Ron looked at Hermione and said, `I asked you not to embarrass me again. What happened this time? Did you both drink a sleeping draught together? Or a love potion?'"
Harry could see it in his mind's eye. Ron was enraged at him and Hermione.
Luna continued, "Hermione said, `Not here, Ronald. You won't talk to me like that in front of everyone.' She got up and started to walk away. They stormed off toward that field about ten minutes ago." She pointed in the direction of where Harry had been the day before.
Harry wished he'd have left the room when Ron started. Maybe he should have just let Ron rage on without of sticking up for Hermione. He realized now how right Mr. Weasley was and part of him understood how Ron felt betrayed. Harry couldn't take it any more.
Harry stood and looked at everyone at the tables. "If I hear one story or one word about Hermione in this, you will answer to me. If anyone is to blame it is me. Don't make it worse for her than it already is."
He left the table and ran in the direction that Luna said they had gone. Maybe it was the wrong thing to do and maybe it wasn't but Harry couldn't stand the thought of his best mate and the woman he loved hurting one another because of this. He saw them standing in the middle of the field arms flying, feet stomping, and eyes being wiped. He kept running toward them until he was close enough to hear Hermione's words.
"You couldn't let me handle it, could you Harry? I'll deal with you later." She said vehemently.
"Ron, our part of the conversation is over. I hope our friendship isn't but after this it really doesn't matter, does it? How could you think that we would do that to you behind your back without feeling guilty and without trying to sort it out," she said. "Shut up, Harry. You've said enough, apparently."
Harry knew when she was right. Just as he thought she was going to walk away from both of them, she turned to Ron again.
"What do you think women are Ron? Receptacles for men's sperm, cooks and nannies? Don't you think that I have self-respect enough to not have more than one boyfriend at the same time without feeling that it is wrong? Or do you think I'm just some slut you could sleep with eventually? That's what I think, you thought Ron. Because if you didn't you would have talked to me like a human being and asked me how this could happen and give me the benefit of the doubt. I don't know, maybe that's not realistic either," said Hermione who suddenly looked at Harry. "Go away, Harry. This is between me and Ron. If you ever want things to work out between us, you will leave now without a word."
Harry never considered the fact that Hermione might leave them both. He saw strength in her that belied her vulnerability. He ran away just as fast as he'd arrived. He felt silly, but she had his attention. He found the stump he's sat on the day before and waited. His stomach growled from all the acids this upset had caused plus the fact he hadn't eaten.
He also realized that he had to teach the DA this morning. He wondered how that would go with a wry smile.
A little while passed, maybe twenty minutes, when he saw Ron angling to steer clear of Harry and clear of a confrontation. A little further away and coming toward him in tears was Hermione. He could tell she was in tears because she wiped her nose and eyes with her shoulders slumped slightly forward. She wasn't yelling at him yet and she sat down on the stump fairly closely.
He resisted the temptation to touch her. He knew that would be one of the biggest mistakes of his life. He simply sat and waited for her to gather her thoughts.
"So, they were going to have to find out sooner or later," Hermione said absentmindedly.
"Harry, I know you thought you were defending me, but do you think that I'm incapable of defending myself?" She half-smiled. "I guess you don't now though do you?" she said rhetorically referring to her display with Ron.
Harry tried not to smile but couldn't help it. "I guess I did, up until now."
"Just so you know, I stopped yelling at Ron after you left. We talked in a normal tone for a couple of minutes," she said. "It's over between him and me. But don't take that to mean that it makes it easier for us."
Harry couldn't help but let out a sigh.
"I don't regret last night Harry and I meant every word. I love you with all my heart, but that doesn't change the circumstances around us," she said. "I can't just one minute be thinking of having a lifelong relationship with Ron, wake up one morning and now I'm with Harry."
Harry said, "I said I'd give you time if you needed it."
"I know you did and that was when we were in the throes of passion," she said. "Don't think I don't believe you meant it. I just don't think you realize that it might be longer than an afternoon or a day."
"I'll do whatever you want Hermione, but I'd shout my love for you from the rooftops, if you let me," said Harry trying to lighten the mood.
"Oh, god, please don't do that. The last thing in the world I want to do is bring more attention to us than necessary," she said quietly.
"Just to set the record for both of you, you and I were more intimate than he and I ever became in a month of dating. It's just sad, really," she said.
Harry was confused. "What happened to the passion and love we shared just hours ago?" he asked.
"Harry, I told you I was afraid I'd hurt you. And I think it was one of those moments I reminded you I had a boyfriend and I was confused," she said. "Get it through your head Harry. I can't turn it on and off like a switch. I don't mean to sound harsh."
She started to cry. She hugged him as he buried her face in his shoulder. "I know you have to be just as confused now. Because it seems to you that I am turning it on and off. I'm in neutral now Harry. I don't know whether I'm coming or going."
She gently put her hand to his face. "You're a sweet guy, Harry and I love you. But the insight we had is gone now. We crossed the line. Remember how we laughed at always having each other because we didn't have all that baggage in the way...or something to that effect?"
Harry nodded. "Sure and that's still what will keep us together. Honesty and communication are what makes us good together."
Hermione hung her head for a second. "I can't argue the logic there, Harry. Maybe that's why I'm still talking and not running scared. Because, frankly, Harry-I'm scared to death right now. My life is upside down. Someone I loved as a friend has probably become the love of my life and he's got some huge issues of his own. We don't live in a vacuum, Harry. Kissing you last night was exhilarating, magical and erotic. But it doesn't mean that Voldemort suddenly sent in his resignation and flew to the Caymans on holiday or that the Horcruxes magically flew into my handbag."
Harry laughed to break the tension. "That's funny and of course, you're right. But…" Hermione held up a figure to his lips.
"Please let me finish?" she asked politely.
"Sure, I'm sorry," said Harry.
"I just want you to realize that the baggage isn't all on my side Harry. I don't want to be mean Harry, but you want us to live in the afterglow of one wonderful night. We can't though Harry. We have to find a way to live with our choices and circumstances. I've taken on a whole new role in your life and I'm afraid. I'm just not blinded by the fantasy that's all. I would love that luxury, but I can't afford it."
"Sweetheart, I just want you to be happy. Truthfully, that's what's most important," said Harry as he took the liberty of pulling the hair away from her face and touching her with the back of his hand.
"If that's true then I want you to concentrate on getting those Horcruxes and ending this horrible mess with Voldemort. As scared as I am, I know we will never be truly happy until that's done," she said. "I want you to have a long and wonderful life with me Harry. We have a lot to work on together as a couple, but that will happen as we get to know each other better. Voldemort needs his ass kicked now." She giggled. "And, so does that little sadist Cupid." She kissed him on the cheek.
Harry felt Hermione's love course though his body and just relished the moment.
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