Loving Her Sweetly-Chapter 5
Professor Lupin must have done extensive work to bring this to my level, though Harry as he read the instructions for the Dumbledore's Army. Harry read those words for the first time since his mentor's death and it felt like a great tribute to him, yet, he'd spent his entire life trying to avoid an all out war in the magical world. Now that he was dead, it seemed strange to have something that denotes violence associated with his name.
There were spells here that Harry wouldn't have understood a few years ago. Some were more difficult than the tried and true "Expelliarmus" and "Protego" that he'd used to save his own life on at least two occasions. They also had far greater returns if they were successful. The first wouldn't only disarm your opponent but leave him stunned for long enough to get in some very devastating attacks, fire bolts or ice shards came to mind as he read further. Conjuring these things would be difficult and required concentration. The Dark Arts that were in here prepared the user to kill whoever they were fighting not just disarm them to wait for a squad of Aurors.
Harry found a section marked for Harry only. He opened it. There was a letter describing the simple exercises that needed to be performed to get his fellow students' minds ready for the tasks ahead. They consisted of conjuring simple things while blindfolded with their wand incapacitated. It described the reason which for Harry was worth the price in gold. This one required a person to be ready if they had been disarmed to conjure something to throw at their opponent at first to distract them so they could get their wand. Later, it would be useful to conjure a dagger of ice that could kill. Conjuration without a wand took special skill, but it was possible. Curses and other types of attacks required the wand to focus the elements into the caster.
Harry read on making his own notes. He couldn't help but think how proud Hermione would be to see him studying in a manner so close to the way she studied. This was interesting to him. He also knew that some of these things were a matter of life and death for him and his personal crusade to kill Severus Snape. There he'd admitted to himself. He wanted Snape dead.
Harry read for hours until finally a knock came at the door. He decided not to answer unless he could tell who it was first. Ron wouldn't knock, so it was someone else. "Harry, I know you're in there. They said you went in hours ago and haven't come out since."
It was Hermione. Harry took a deep breath and tried to decide how to play it. I just have to decide whether I can be the Harry of the past few days and not lose it, or do I have to be just a little detached to keep from blurting out all my love for her. "Hey, good-lookin', come on in." Harry threw caution to the wind. He deserved love and he couldn't wait. He knew it was because of the things he'd read the past few hours. Life was too short to worry about little things.
"Well, that sort of answers my question," she said blushing. "It's one thing to hear you say it playfully around the campfire but it's kind of unnerving now for some reason."
"And, why would that be? Aren't we supposed to be the friends that everyone wished they had in the opposite sex?" That's kind of what they'd said the first night.
Hermione laughed more openly now. "I guess it really is, Harry. I just felt like you might have been mad at me during lunch today. I mean I sort of didn't stand up to Ron by almost begging him to join us when I acted kind of independent last night."
Harry felt the twinge of anxiety he'd felt this morning again. "Hey, he's your boyfriend and I'm just a friend who happens to be a guy. You know." He tried to play it off, but she'd described it in a way that bothered him. She had acted more independent and this morning all of a sudden it was like the pressure was on her.
"The stories they're telling are pretty horrible, now that I hear them. Why didn't you tell me the one the Patils told?" asked Hermione.
"I didn't want to say I-told-you-so, Hermione. I talked to them, they really believe that you and I have hidden feelings for each other," said Harry trying to at least open the channel for the future. He wanted desperately to close the door, pull her close and kiss her so deeply they never were apart again, but he knew she would have to see it developing before that wouldn't seem like some randy guy trying to bed her.
"Why would we have to hide anything, Harry? I mean, okay, if we were lovers cheating on Ron that's one thing. But we display our love openly and very plainly for everyone to see. I don't get why they think that's a bad thing," said Hermione.
Harry knew how to handle this, but he was fighting back his emotions. She was a very complex person. She was a world class intellectual, but still only a beautiful seventeen year old girl with wonderful heart. He didn't want to appeal to her intellect at the moment. He wanted her heart and soul. Cautiously, he put his arms around her.
"Hermione, I told you to be careful about thinking you could whether the criticisms and rumors. There I said I-told-you-so when I tried to avoid it. You're tough, but not tough like that." He kissed the top of her head.
"You're sweet, Harry. Thanks for cheering me up," Hermione replied.
"It'll pass. It always has. We just can't fondle each other at dinner or go skinny-dipping in public. Those things might give the wrong impression." He knew the shock value of that would loosen her up and it did wonders for him as he imagined her lissome figure in the moonlight jumping in a lake. He took the edge off both of them.
"Harry, that's pretty bold," she said as she took a swipe at him with her hand and turned red enough to look sunburned. "It's funny, but awfully bold."
"I'm sorry, it just seemed like we needed some boundaries. I think everything up to there is fair game," he said laughing this time.
"Hey, cut it out, you know you're embarrassing me now." She giggled nervously. "Could you imagine the looks on their faces if something like that happened?" she said kind of hesitantly. "I guess these stories are pretty mild compared to what those would be."
"Oh, you think so, huh?" Harry felt a twinge excitement as she played along.
"Okay, okay, let's change the subject," she said. "I heard Mr. Weasley gave you some stuff for the DA."
"Yeah," said Harry as he turned and opened the outer envelope with the part for everyone. "Let me show you."
"Okay," she said as she sat down close to Harry looking over some of the text book diagrams that showed how the wand should be handled while casting those spells.
Twenty minutes later, Hermione got up to leave. "Harry, I know you can do this. You seem to be so prepared already. When do we start? Tomorrow?"
"Yeah, for the first part. It'll take a few days to get everyone to the second part and Professor Lupin should be here by then," said Harry.
Harry was frantically trying to think of a reason to keep her there. He didn't want her to leave. "See you later, Hermione."
"Aren't you coming to dinner now, Harry?" he heard her call back.
"Yeah, I forgot the time," he said to himself as he folded up the valise with everything inside. "Just don't get too far ahead of me at dinner," he thought.
The picnic table sat six. Charlie made two more that held another six each. There were a total of sixteen at dinner. It looked remarkably like a summer camp with fire pit, a barbecue and the dorm. Harry often wondered what one of those would have been like.
The conversations never once touched on the events of the evening before. Many of the guests had questions concerning the beginning of training so Harry arranged for everyone to meet fireside to talk tonight about that very thing. He was lucky tonight he thought. On one side he had Hermione and on the other was Luna. It cheered him up to see that she was participating and not off alone somewhere and sneaking a bite to eat later. She seemed to do that at school a lot sometimes.
After dinner, Harry noticed that most everyone lingered around the tables just chatting. He could sense that the furor over he and Hermione had ended when she sat with him on one side of her and Ron on the other. He guessed it was because there were no ill feelings. So he was glad that was over.
The next task was to get his thoughts together so he didn't babble tonight about their training. The materials addressed to him specifically were for just that purpose. It was addressed as Harry only so he wouldn't have people nosing about the general notes and trying to act like know-it-alls while Harry taught. Harry was being given every tool he needed to succeed.
Finally, he looked out to see that Ron and Hermione were getting everyone in a semi-circle so they could be by the fire while leaving Harry somewhere to stand. He felt sort of important, but knew he'd better not let it go to his head. The older they got the more sensitive his classmates got to being talked-down-to.
"Hi, guys, I'm glad someone mentioned it this afternoon. I wasn't sure how I was going to kick this thing off. Forgive me if I'm a bit nervous. This won't take long," he started. Hermione gave him the thumbs up and Harry found it kind of cute that Luna mimicked her just split-second later.
"Unlike the stuff we've done before in the DA, we are no longer going to be able to just stop someone long enough to get away. As some of you saw at the castle a few weeks ago, wizard battles can be so confusing and the one who keeps his wits usually stays alive," he explained.
"So, some of what we have to do in the next couple days may be harder than what Professor Lupin will teach us. We have to learn to concentrate under adverse conditions like when our wand has been taken from us or when our clothes are on fire or if we are hurt. We can't give in to any of those things. If you stop fighting, you will not survive," said Harry as the chills ran over him thinking of the graveyard and Cedric.
Harry heard Neville's voice from the corner but couldn't hear over the sound of the fire. He realized that these weren't necessarily optimal conditions. "Neville, sorry, mate I can't hear you."
A few seconds later, Neville came into view and asked, "Is that really something that can be taught?"
"That's what we have to find out, Neville. Professor Lupin thinks so and so do I. Remember how you couldn't do the Disarming Charm at first? Well, practice made perfect. Without you at the Department of Mysteries, we would have been in bad shape," encouraged Harry. "We will drill on possible scenarios and practice concentrating on conjuring things under duress."
"Undressed?" quipped Seamus. "Can I have a girl partner?"
Everyone laughed. "Yeah, I suppose Mrs. Weasley would partner with you, Wouldn't you, dear?" joked Arthur Weasley to his wife.
"Arthur, there are children present," she said slapping at her husband and blushing.
"Err, no offense, but Dean will be okay," said Seamus. Harry had to hold back his laughter because he knew that was a bit out of line, but funny.
"Okay, okay. We could do it that way, I suppose. It would add the stress needed to make you succeed quickly," chimed in Charlie from the corner. "But I think the guys would have to go first and stand in front of the girls to show they weren't afraid."
"Touché, Charlie," said Seamus from the other side.
"Anyway, enough of that rubbish," said Harry still catching his breath from laughter. "On a serious note, the most important thing you need, you already possess. That is your mind. Don't zone out on me or Professor Lupin. In his letter to me, he emphasized the need to understand that what we are fighting with is our mind, our courage and our skill. But if you don't use your mind first to block out all the distractions, you will lose your courage and have no time to prove your skill. That's all I have to say, really. We'll start at 10 AM tomorrow and each day until he gets here."
Harry went and sat down next to Ron, Hermione and Luna. "Guys, I hope you don't mind that I asked Luna to sit with us."
"Why would we mind?" asked Hermione as Ron shrugged.
"Good job, mate. You made what we have to do sound interesting. Dad says it's a lot of repetition though," added Ron.
"Yes, as usual, he's right. But we can switch it up a little with the types of things to conjure and also with the type of duress. For example, we'll put you in a room of spiders," poked Harry.
"Oh, funny, ha ha. You jerk," said Ron with a smile. "It really sucks to be made fun of because of that though. Especially, when you aren't afraid of anything like that."
"That's a stupid thing to say, Ron," said Harry. "I'm afraid everyday that I'll put you guys in danger and it will be my fault that some Deatheater came here for me and hurt someone else. It might be a different situation, but our fears aren't necessarily rational. And, I didn't call you stupid. I said it was a stupid thing to say."
That moment passed fairly quickly and the conversation turned to the next year at Hogwarts. Harry already knew he wouldn't be going but he hoped everyone else would but he played along with Luna's excitement. "I think Mrs. McGonagle can do a fine job with the school," said Luna. "With some security around that room, there should be no problem."
It was fun to listen to Luna, thought Harry. He looked at the expressions on Ron's and Hermione's faces. They seemed rather intrigued as well. That's what Harry hoped. He wanted a chance to bring a fresh voice around that would kind of open things up. With Ron moping about only because Hermione made him come down, Harry knew it would have been a somber event.
At 10 or so, Ron said he'd had enough and started to get up. Hermione looked puzzled. "Ron, you won't stay here with me for a while longer. Do you want to go somewhere alone?" she asked.
"Hermione, I just feel like going to sleep. You're having fun with Harry and Luna. Just stay here with them," he said. "I don't know, maybe once I get a drink or something I'll perk up and come back out. Right now I'm just a drag on the party."
The next minute or so made Harry want to scream. It wasn't that Hermione was acting subservient to her boyfriend; it was that he knew it was no use and let her do it. His heart broke for her as Ron rejected her offer to get him something if he'd only stay a little longer and when she'd already offered to talk and spend time alone. He didn't know what Ron was gaining by not just ending it.
This was the first time that Harry saw tears in Hermione's eyes since she and Ron had started going together. She didn't really cry. Maybe it was the kind of tears you get when you're so mad that you cry to avoid saying something hurtful, but Ron walked off without a hug, handshake or even a wave. Luna looked at Harry carefully. "You know I ought to go make my potion. I got my bumblebee stingers today."
Hermione looked at Luna and smiled. In the past when Luna had said things like that Hermione seemed annoyed. Tonight she seemed compassionate. "Hey, Luna, you'll have to share that with me. You know I'm not bad at potions."
"That'd be cool, Hermione. Anytime," said Luna to Hermione as she left Harry and her alone.
Tonight, they weren't really alone. There were others still sitting around the fire chatting and drinking the Kool Aid and the pumpkin juice that Mrs. Weasley brought out. Harry avoided commenting on what he saw until Hermione brought it up.
"Harry, I've about had enough of this. If it weren't for you and the DA, I'd go home after I kicked that jerk in the `you-know-whats'," she said angrily shaking her head one second and smiling the next.
He had to smile at that because she did, but he was sad for her. "You wouldn't leave without saying good-bye would you?"
"Gosh, no Harry. I'm just letting off steam. I should have stuck by my guns this morning. When he said he'd come if I really wanted him too, I though it was one of his odd ways of saying yes to things, but he really meant he only came because I asked." Her expression was hard to read.
Harry looked around and saw the Patils talking with Seamus and Dean. They kept looking over at him and he knew that it was going to be hard to talk to Hermione here. He needed to simply focus on her and how he felt regardless of Ron.
"Are you ready to take a chance on more stories?" asked Harry politely.
"Harry?" she responded.
"Let's take a walk," he stood up and held out his hand.
At first she didn't take it. When she did he tugged her to her feet so fast she flew into him almost sending them both tumbling back to the ground. He put his arm around her waist and started walking with her unpretentiously. He steered her toward the front of the house where the glow of the fire was still visible and the lights from the house still provided a backdrop of safety.
The fence was badly in need of repair, but it was tall enough to support Harry as he leaned back. Hermione stood next to him. He wanted to touch her, but he'd already held her hand all the way here and he knew in his heart of hearts tonight had been the last time he could watch Ron ignore her on purpose. He was treating her like some men do when they only want their women for sex, cooking and raising children a la Uncle Vernon. He knew that's not what Ron was doing, but it was a form of control that disgusted him.
The silence between them never seemed so thick. Hermione noticed it and had to break it. "I know you didn't make a big deal about going for a walk to stop walking and kick stone in front of the house."
Harry was gathering his courage to change his life. He was about to do what a man should do when he is in love. He was going to have to profess his love in a way that Hermione couldn't mistake as infatuation, sympathy or anything else but full-on love. "No I don't suppose I did."
"So what are we doing here?" she said cautiously.
"Have I ever told you how beautiful you are, Hermione?" he said as his heart pounded in his throat. "Here we go, Mr. Smooth. Don't fail me. I can't blow this." He wanted desperately to make a good impression at this moment.
He tried to be patient like a master salesman, closing the deal. The first one to speak loses in those situations. He'd asked his question. It was her turn. He needed her to process it on her own without him providing any help.
"Are you trying to cheer me up, Harry? Or, are you trying to seduce me?" Her voice was even and soft. She didn't say it accusatorily nor did she say it in a way that suggested which answer she expected.
"Both," he said brought his eyes level with hers and turned toward her. He didn't want to touch her. He knew his hands were clammy. "You deserve to know that you're wonderful. But you answered my question with a question? Have I ever told you that you're beautiful?"
"No, not in so many words," she answered. "Shit that was close. She was in control for a minute and I was dead meat."
"Well, I'm saying it in so many words tonight," said Harry. "You're the most beautiful girl I've ever known."
"Did you start drinking behind my back or something Harry?" she quipped trying to lighten up the situation. "There are a lot of girls I think are more beautiful than me and I know you know them."
Harry watched to make sure that there were no signs suggesting she wanted to escape an uncomfortable situation.
"Okay," he thought. "She's not going to go for the cheesy lines without proof that their honest and not just lines."
"The way I see it Hermione, I'm taking a pretty big risk with our friendship to start off by trying brashly chat you up with cheap lines," he replied. "I'll answer it this way. If we were all in the same room together, I wouldn't be able to take my eyes off of you."
"Whoa, now, that's a good answer," she smiled. "Harry, if you're doing this because you feel some need to make me feel better about myself, please stop. I have enough to worry about with my jerk boyfriend. I don't need you both to be acting like creeps."
"Why is it creepy that I think you're wonderful and beautiful?" asked Harry.
Hermione looked at Harry for a moment. Their eyes met. "You're not kidding, are you?" she said as tears filled her eyes. "You're crazy, you know. If Ron doesn't want me after all these years there must be something wrong with me."
"That's the point Hermione. There is nothing wrong with you. I've admired you from afar for a very long time," he spoke from his heart.
"So, where were you when he was swallowing Lavender's face," she said. "I was a mess then and wondered where you were. You weren't there for me then."
"Look," said Harry. "For the last few years there were only a few things I could count on. One was that you and Ron would one day figure it out, maybe I'd fall in love if I lived long enough, and I would have to battle Lord Voldemort. When you started releasing canaries to exact your revenge on Ron, I knew that number one was still in force."
"So, if you want me so bad, why didn't I know about how you felt before now?" she asked.
"Oh, did I mention that there was this guy named Ron, my best mate? Did I mention that I knew he was in love with you?" Harry smiled. "What was I going to do? You loved him too and everyone saw it."
"Harry, that's not what the stories they told last night say," she reminded him.
"Yeah, well, they forgot to tell us all these years," said Harry. Harry took her by the waist and pulled her close. For an instant he thought they would kiss, but she backed away slightly and he decided not to pursue her and scare her.
"Give me a minute to process this," she said. "Obviously, I feel comfortable with your touch, but that was before it might have been an intimate touch." She sniffled. "This is too weird."
He held her gaze and didn't flinch while his stomach played the next Quidditch World Cup and he was down 140 - 0.
"Harry, you should sleep on this before you say anything else," she paused. The silence became deafening like when the first got here. "Will you say something? Oh, geez, that's dumb. On one hand I don't want you to talk and on the other I want you to tell me you love me and you have always loved me. What the hell is happening here?"
"In jubilation his stomach settled as he caught the Golden Snitch. The match was over. The battle of wills had been won. 150- 140." He thought.
"What's happening here is that I'm telling you that I didn't know I loved you since the first time I met you. But that less than twenty-four hours after figuring it out, I couldn't let another day pass," he said. "I'm not afraid to love you Hermione, but I'm afraid y9ou won't love me back."
"Well, I never took you for a stupid guy, Harry. That sounds reasonable, but I don't want reasonable. I want you to love me enough to go for broke and to love me and damn the consequences," said Hermione. "I'm tired of being the one who pursues."
Harry took her by the waist again. This time he slipped his foot between hers to pull her close. "Hermione, I love you." He kissed her softly at first. Their lips brushed just enough to create more passion and the desire for more. A minute or so later and Hermione pushed Harry back to the fence post which happened to now be out of the light.
"Oh, God, Harry. What am I doing?" she said. "I never realized how much I wanted you to kiss me all those times we've held each other. I thought about it a hundred times."
She kissed him again. She was slightly shorter than him and forty pounds lighter so Harry was surprised at how strongly she could push him into that fence post. "A hundred times, Hermione and you didn't tell me?" said Harry breathlessly his lips were numb. He kissed her again anyway.
She stopped and giggled. "I'm sorry Harry that was a little bit of catch up for all those times. Did I hurt your back? I hurt my hand hitting it a couple of times. I suppose it was curiosity more than anything Harry. Didn't you ever wonder about kissing me before?"
Hermione was talking in a manic tone. "Kiss me again, Harry." He obliged until they both needed more air.
"I wish there were somewhere comfortable that we could go," said Harry. Realizing that what he was saying might sound presumptuous he continued, "I mean to sit quietly without all the eyes and ears."
"So, I guess we were the only ones who didn't see it coming," said Hermione. "I love you, Harry. The problem is that I love Ron too. This is a nice little diversion, but he's my boyfriend."
The little voice inside Harry's head hadn't steered him wrong yet. "Take the high road, Harry. She'll respect you for it later."
"I understand, Hermione. I'm sorry that's not working out, but I love you and you know that. All I want to do right now is call you `love', or `sweetheart'. My heart wants nothing more than to open up to you," he said honestly. He took the high road and focused on his love for her and not how badly Ron treated her.
"You can, Harry," she said as she took his hand. She closed the gap and kissed him. Harry could taste the hidden tears. Maybe it was because he was so nervous himself since she brought up Ron that he hadn't noticed her crying.
"Sweetheart, why are you crying then? Did I do something wrong?" he asked.
"Wrong? Harry, I am afraid that I'll hurt you. I have such a mess to clean up with Ron. I've been harping on him for so long to pay attention to me and now I'm happier kissing his best mate than I've ever been in my life. How's that for confusing?" she smiled through her tears.
"Hermione, I know you have a lot to figure out. I will give you time, but I will also be there to comfort you and appreciate the comfort you give me. Don't you want that in your life? " Harry wasn't sure why he did it, but he walked into the soft light coming from the Weasley home so Hermione could see the tears in his eyes.
"This is how much I want you and love you Hermione. These tears came the same way today when it occurred to me that loving you was more important than anything I have done or will do in my life. That includes anything to do with Voldemort or anything else on this earth," he said. "I had to tell you I loved you."
Hermione brushed Harry's hair away from his face and gently removed his glasses as she kissed his tears away. "My love," she paused as he gained her composure. "I don't know how to express how I feel. That touches me so deeply that I realize how thankful I am for you to be the man you are."
Harry put his hands to her waist again and this time the kisses were not the frenetic kisses of teenage hormones, but the ones that bared the soul. Her hands touched the sides of his face as he caressed her bum and felt her breasts pressing against his chest. He was glad they were standing because there would have been nothing to stop them at that moment. He wanted her and he felt the heat from her too, but there was more to the moment. There would be other moments for them to make love: a proper place and at the proper time.
"That was nice," said Hermione as she took Harry's glasses from the little place she'd found on the fence and put them back on for him. "Please tell me this is real, Harry."
He pinched her bottom. "Is that real enough?"
"Why you prat, I ought to…" She grabbed one of Harry's nipples and twisted.
"Ouch, that hurt. I'll get you back for that," he chased her toward the house until she realized where she was and stopped.
Finally, Harry couldn't take it anymore. He gathered all his strength, reached down and picked her up like a groom would carry his bride across the threshold. He walked as far as he could and found a soft patch of grass, laid her down, and knelt next to her. "The hell with the fire, we're going to watch those stars again." She laughed as he collapsed from the exhaustion of carrying her over 20 yards. They assumed the same position as the night before, only now in the dark. "Doesn't this just feel right, Hermione?" His chest pounded as he caught his breath.
The moon was full. Harry looked at Hermione in its glow with her eyes closed and her head on his shoulder. He remembered doing the same the night before and thinking of a kiss. Tonight, he fulfilled this dream even if it were just a peck. "Hermione, this may sound silly. But you've saved me again." He kissed her softly again on the forehead. He angled her head toward his and kissed him back awkwardly on the chin.
"I think it's mutual," she said as she laid her head back down. They fell asleep, only to awaken as the sun rose the next morning.
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