The Thing About Harry-Chapter 4
Harry went to the room he shared with Ron and found Ron sitting in his chair looking down at the smoldering fire. Harry didn't want to deal with Ron if he was going to be mad. There was no way if he were awake that he didn't hear what people saw by the fire. He was surprised when Ron spoke. Harry had changed into his shorts and pulled the cover sheet over himself to go to sleep before Ron said a word.
"I don't get it, Harry. Everyone says I should have gone down and pounded you to pulp for fooling around with Hermione. Well, not everyone, and they didn't exactly say that either. I mean they just said I should be mad as hell," said Ron.
"Are you? Mad, I mean." Harry asked. He had a feeling that Ron was more confused than mad.
"I suppose in a way, but not for the reasons you or anyone else might think," he said. "I want to feel angry, but part of me says that maybe your friendship with her is closer than our relationship and it always has been. That makes me mad at myself for not seeing it."
"Ron, we are attracted to people all the time that we want attention from and then it doesn't work out. Trust me, I would have dragged my pecker through a million pieces of glass to be with Cho, but it just wasn't to be. I mean that's how important it was at the time." Harry smiled slyly at Ron who broke into a smile at the analogy. "Why are you so hard on yourself about this? People break up relationships everyday so that they don't feel bad about themselves and sometimes it's actually a blessing for the partner they leave." Harry laughed inside. He felt like one of those relationship gurus he'd watched at the Dursleys' when they were gone the past few years. He thought what he said made sense though.
"Are you sure you're not saying this so you can swoop in and grab Hermione?" asked Ron out of the blue.
"Is that what bothers you? If I didn't want to deal with responsibilities of a relationship with Ginny who I know loves and cares about me, why would I try to jump into a relationship with someone who might not see me as more than a friend and alienate everyone? Does that make sense to you?" asked Harry.
"No, that's what I thought and so do a lot of other people that disagreed with the Patils. Believe it or not I had to listen to the Patil sisters predict that Hermione and I would split over this. A second later they said you and Hermione would be together in a week. And then they agreed that it wouldn't last a week before we all hated each other," said Ron. "I wanted to laugh. They were like a couple of old ladies."
Harry smiled and thought about Hermione. "The poor girl doesn't realize how much fun these people have with creating misery for others. I'm surprised it's the Patils though."
"You should get some sleep Ron. There is nothing to worry about. It will work itself out. You could surprise them and deal with Hermione on your own terms not theirs," said Harry. "I didn't worry what others thought about me and Ginny because I think I did what was right."
"Harry, I don't get it. You haven't had a girlfriend for more than a month in your life and you're acting like you know it all," said a perturbed Ron.
"Yeah, I know. Isn't it great? I have nothing to lose so I am able to think clearly. I'm sure I'd be a mess if I were in your shoes," laughed Harry. "I'm sorry if I seem to be a know-it-all. I just know that if you ever want to be friends with Hermione in the future, you need to do what's right for both of you…and soon. You can't let her think you don't care, but you can't continue to pretend that you're some lame bloke who doesn't know how to act with a woman either."
"Harry, you're sure that you don't have a thing for Hermione?" asked Ron again.
"Ron, the way things are going between you two…if I did, you'd already know I was after her," said Harry. Harry didn't know why he felt guilty after saying that. He and Hermione were friends and nothing more, he thought. "Go to sleep, Ron."
"If you say so Harry, but the more I think about it, the more I think there's more to it. I know you wouldn't lie to me though so…. Well, good night, Harry." Ron changed into shorts and tee shirt to sleep in since there were at least two more girls than just Ginny and Hermione running around the Burrow now.
Harry lay awake trying to figure out what Ron was talking about there being more to it. He flashed back to earlier in the night and for the first time realized that Hermione's presence so close to him made him comfortable and excited at the same time. He fell asleep trying to recapture that feeling.
____ _____
Harry awoke refreshed and somewhat embarrassed. He could faintly remember dreams from that night that intrigued him and left him excited. He looked over and saw Ron was still fast asleep. He needed to use the loo. He wouldn't be sneaking around he thought if he weren't afraid of being seen with a bulge in his shorts. He knew why he awoke in that state but it was who he'd dreamt about this time that bothered him. He knocked and went in without being seen.
He went back to the room and crawled under the covers. He thought about his conversations the past few days with Ron and Hermione. He felt compassion for his best mate's dilemma. Hermione wasn't someone you hurt maliciously unless you were really an arsehole. But she was also so sweet that you know she takes everything to heart and could be hurt very easily. He had a tough road ahead.
He wished Ron hadn't said that Harry wouldn't lie to him. Harry wouldn't lie to him. The problem was the way he felt now, he felt like he lied about his feelings for Hermione. He felt a nervous sick feeling come over him. In the space of eight hours he'd gone from cuddling innocently with his best friend's girl to having dreams about her, to wanting to tell her how he felt. "I jinxed myself when I gloated about knowing what to do because I had no emotional stake in it. Damn it, now I couldn't find my arse with both hands and a flashlight where Hermione's concerned."
Harry put his head under his pillow to muffle the scream he had to let out. He felt every bit as inept as he had when he was pursuing Cho and Ginny. He knew he was screwed too. Hermione expected him to come out today and deny all the rumors as well as do the same thing tonight if Ron didn't come around. What if an impulse to kiss her hit him and he acted on it? He was in `love hell' he thought.
It took a long time for Harry's anxiety to settle down and rational thought to return. His thoughts lead him to laugh at loud at the thought of Cupid standing in the corner while Harry talked to Ron laughing at him saying, "Okay, Harry, you're so smart. Take this," while winging an arrow into his backside. This after all was becoming a pain in his backside. Harry had one reaction, "I ought to find Cupid and kick his ass, the little sadistic bastard."
Before long he realized it he was laughing out loud to relieve the tension. It was official. He knew he was in love with Hermione. The shock of that realization brought a tear to his eye even as he laughed. What he hadn't realized was that Hermione was standing in the room looking at him as though he were ready for the loony bin. "Harry, what's so funny?"
He wheeled and looked at her in shock and complete dismay, "Don't you knock?" he asked defensively.
She looked at him, "I do when the door is closed. I saw you sitting there looking out the window laughing and I couldn't help but come in and ask. You must be having one of those moments. I'll leave."
All Harry could think of was that when he finally got up and sat in the chair Ron was still asleep. The door was shut, he was sure of that. Ron must have gotten up and opened the door and left it ajar. Harry couldn't believe that he was so engrossed in his thoughts that he didn't notice. "No, no. What do you mean, `moments'?
"Harry, you were laughing hysterically and when you turned you had tears in your eyes," she said. "That qualifies as a moment in my book." She giggled. "Want to talk about it?"
Every nerve in Harry's body was on alert. He knew he couldn't control them all. He just hoped that the ones that controlled embarrassed, guilty looks on his face were doing their jobs. "I just thought of a funny joke. It might not be funny to you, but I found it amusing." He shared his thoughts about Cupid without admitting he was the one who felt them.
Hermione laughed. He felt better. "That is funny, Harry. There must be millions of people looking for him every day and that's why he carries that bow to make you fall in love again just before you try to kick his butt. You know, just to cure the savage beast in all of us."
"Do you really think it works that way?" asked Harry. He couldn't believe he said that.
"Why? Are you feeling the effects of telling Ginny it's over?" asked Hermione.
Harry hadn't lied to either Ron or Hermione yet, but this was a special occasion he thought. He wasn't ready to tell her what was really on his mind. He couldn't lie directly so, he softened it a little. "Maybe that's it? Something has me kind of all tangled up." He was proud of himself for finding a way to not really lie and still not tell the whole truth.
"I already heard some of the stories. I think they're hilarious. One story said that it was our plan to be so open that no one would think that there could possibly be anything going on. Another was that you're gay and that's why Ron isn't jealous," she giggled.
"Hey, that's not funny. How would you feel if someone started saying you had lesbian designs on Ginny or Fleur and that's why you hang out with Ron?" Harry countered. "I'm not knocking people who have those feelings but if it's not true it's not funny at all."
Hermione looked at Harry closely. "Is there something wrong Harry? Did last night spook you or something?"
"Shit," thought Harry. "It sucks that we're so close we can't hide stuff from each other." He tried to ignore the question and change the subject. "Well, everyone's here now, it seems."
"Yeah, it seems so. Oh, there's Ron. I'd better go see how he's handling this. We'll talk about what's got you all messed up later Harry," she said as he walked toward Ron with a smile.
"Ron, I'm sorry if I embarrassed you with Harry out by the fire last night, but we were just talking and it was comfortable," she explained. Harry's heart sank a bit. She had no idea that Ron would welcome her "to give him the boot" first. She was in love with Ron and for the first time, Harry couldn't stand it.
"Yeah, Harry explained that to me last night. It's just shocking to overhear other people talk about it though, Hermione. Please don't make a fool out of me," said Ron.
Harry couldn't help but feel uplifted by that attitude. "You go, Ron. Tell her you won't put up with it. She'll give you what for and that will get me even closer to her. Go ahead."
Harry never imagined that it would turn out like it did. Every other time in their lives that started a bickering session, but not today. "Ron, Harry asked me if I was trying to make you jealous. You know I'm not, sweetheart. I just don't like being alone all the time. If you would just come down to the fire and we could enjoy each other's company." Hermione wasn't begging Ron, but she was certainly making sure she gave him a chance to make things right.
"I'll come out, Hermione," he responded. "If that will make you happy, I'll come out."
Hermione smiled and winked at Harry. "He's coming tonight. I'm so happy."
Harry was crushed. Ron hadn't changed. He was only going because he couldn't stand up for himself. He started to tell her what he thought and then gave in. He wasn't sure whether he felt sorrier for himself or for Hermione as Ron perpetuated the lie that was their relationship.
Harry saw the real dilemma in all this now. It wasn't about Ron and Hermione. That relationship was doomed and in his heart of hearts that hurt Harry even if it made his dreams with Hermione possible. The real dilemma was letting Hermione know how he felt without destroying his best friend's trust. He could see why classic mythology was filled with the gods taking revenge on each other over love. No emotion in the world stirred more basic or primal instincts.
Harry went about the day greeting the newcomers. He learned a great deal about what was happening throughout the magical world in the fight against Voldemort. He saw the Patils and decided it was time to clear up their little story. "Hey, Padma and Pavarti, I heard you were intrigued by me and Hermione. Jealous were you. I'll sleep with each of you if you want." He growled and raised his eyebrows.
"Harry, that's horrible," said Pavarti with a little giggle. "You are quite the ladies' man."
"Come on, you guys I was kidding. Unless?" he chuckled again as he beckoned one of them to take him up on his offer. "No really, why would you guys want to spread stories like the one Ron told me? Hermione and I were looking at the stars and it just seemed comfortable to cuddle when we were looking at the same ones," he said just sort of skirting the truth. "It is natural for us as friends to be so close." He didn't feel guilty saying it that way because it was true last night. And, he supposed, it was true even now that he wanted more from their friendship.
"Harry, we don't wish you ill, but you and Hermione--maybe Ron too, I don't know-seem to be the only ones on the planet who don't see the way you and Hermione look at each other every time you're together. Now, you've started getting physical. I don't apologize for it at all. It'll happen. I think you're just covering now for your feelings for her," said Parvati.
Harry had run headlong into losing propositions before, but this one was a like hitting a brick wall. The Patils had him pegged perfectly and there was no escaping that gnawing feeling, yet he had to ask. "Let's just say all of what you say is true. Why would it be over between Hermione and me within a week?"
"I never said that. I said the three of you would be at each other's throats," said Padma.
"What's the difference?" asked Harry.
"Come on, Harry, what do you care? You're just friends, right?" asked Parvati with a wink.
Harry could see the ambush coming and there was nothing he could do about it. It was like he had a premonition. It was the origin of these very stories that would make them crazy in the future. If he said the wrong thing, Hermione would be offended. Or would it be Ron? "Look, so what if I have feelings for Hermione," he said jumping off the cliff anyway. "She loves Ron and doesn't see me that way. If she did, she'd never let me come between her and Ron. So stop with the stories. It's a horrible way to live if you have to comment on others' lives instead of living your own."
"Ah hah, so it's true. Harry loves Hermione. I told you Padma. It's not Hermione at all. It's Harry. That's why he broke up with Ginny," said Parvati.
"Oh shit, now what have I done?" thought Harry. "Now the rumors will fly that I dumped Ginny for someone else which isn't true. I am so screwed now. I have to beg them not to spread those rumors."
"Look, don't say that to anyone. You'll just hurt innocent people. I didn't break up with Ginny for Hermione. If you'll notice, I'm not with Hermione and probably never will be. Just lay off, please?" Harry begged. He felt bad for everyone because this would affect Ginny, Ron, Hermione and the rest of the Weasley family. He would be seen as a family intruder and he didn't want that.
The girls looked at one another. "We don't want to hurt anyone. This whole thing started a couple of years ago between Padma and I," said Parvati. "We thought it would happen long before now. We've kind of kept it as a running bet. It's just that it happened here in such an enclosed environment and we were so excited to talk about it. I promise I won't say a word. Padma?"
"Me too. Harry, it's sweet that you care about your friends so much that you don't want to hurt them, but don't forget about your happiness too. My Uncle says there is an old saying that helps to cleanse the soul in matters of love. I'm not sure of it's translation but it means, `Fill yourself with love and you will have more love to give to others.' Do you understand what that means?" asked Padma.
Harry shook his head in uncertainty.
"Love is a bottomless pool, you have to give yourself love to have enough to give to others." said Parvati. "Anyway, something like that. If you don't feel you deserve love you can't love yourself and if you can't love yourself, you can't really love anyone else. Do what's right for Harry first. That's my feelings on the matter."
Everyday Harry wondered how the right person walked into his life with the right words. One day, it's Hermione. Another day it's Bill. Today, wonder of all wonders, it was the Patils who provided him with encouragement. "I really appreciate your advice. I'd better go before I say something else that will get me in trouble."
"Harry? Just for fun, maybe you wouldn't mind sleeping with twins," teased Padma growling like he had before. "Just kidding." They laughed as he walked away.
He was glad that conversation had taken place while most people were still putting their things away in the attic which had expanded nicely with a magic touch. The total number wasn't as large as they thought it would be. Harry heard Mr. Weasley and someone else inside. It was Charlie. "Hey, Charlie, long time, no see." Harry offered his hand.
"Hey, Harry, you've grown a bit," Charlie remarked. "Dad, weren't you looking for Harry? Here he is. We'll chat later, but I think my Dad has something for you."
"Oh, hey, Harry. Can we go into the parlor and sit down for a minute. I have some news about how all this will work. Plus, Lupin sent you this." Harry recognized it as Lupin's leather valise he'd had when he taught at Hogwarts. "It's a bit of a plan to get you started while he is, shall we say, indisposed."
Harry understood. "So he wants me to start without him?"
"Why not Harry? Everything I hear says that you're pretty good and with some of the things Lupin sent you can get a great deal done in a few days," said Mr. Weasley. "By the way Harry, the Misses and I understand what happened with you and Ginny. The same is probably going to happen with Hermione and Ron too."
Harry thought better of saying too much, so he just said, "Yeah, it seems pretty tough for them sometimes." He ignored him and Ginny.
"You'd know better than anyone Harry. Mrs. Weasley and I are more worried about poor Hermione than Ron. He's kind of an oaf with her." Mr. Weasley whispered. "Be patient with Ron, Harry. Try to be there for Hermione when she needs it."
Harry had to pinch himself. Was he dreaming? Did Mr. Weasley just refer to him as the one to pick up the pieces when they break up? "I'm not sure what you mean, Sir?"
"Harry, I know I've never progressed as far as a wizard as Percy would like nor do I seem as cool as maybe Ron or Charlie would like, but I'm a fairly good wizard and I know people," he said looking around. "You and Hermione were meant for each other since that first time you came to our house at 10 and 11. Do you think that as you guys got older that I'd let my son have a live in girlfriend if I though anything untoward would happen?"
Harry had to do a double-take. "What, Sir? I don't mean to be dull or dim witted, but what did you just say?"
"Put it another way. Do you think I would allow you to live here, if I thought you were sleeping with my daughter or could possibly have designs on it?" he asked.
Harry let out and involuntary, "Ha." He held back the rest of the nervous laugh. "No, I don't suppose you would."
"Anyway, Harry, neither of us was positive that things were over between Ron and Hermione until just recently. We care so much for Hermione and we love our son so we can't get in the middle. This little package gave me the excuse to sit and talk with you," he said quietly.
"To change gears a little," he smiled, "and get to the real reason for our meeting. There has been a little bit of a change of plans. Only the families whose children seemed to fit certain criteria were allowed to come. There were three categories and they had to meet at least two of three. First, they had to have an aptitude for the Dark Arts-without that the second two didn't matter. Two, they had to be either from a large wizard family that need more protection than most or from a hard to reach place where they needed someone where time may be to short to get someone to help them. Three, they had to trustworthy according to Mrs. McGonagle."
"Wow, that's a lot to screen people for and the last one really cuts a lot of people out," said Harry.
Mr. Weasley laughed. "I thought you'd think that but you'd be surprised at how many would have passed the last one and the first but failed the second. We'll get to the others after we see if our plan works."
Harry thought for a second about who was here. There were the Patils, the Creevy's, Seamus, Luna, Neville, Dean Thomas and a few others he could picture but not name of the top of his head. He was sure the list was in the folder. "Neville, Dean and Luna meet the first but they don't seem to meet the others?"
"Yes, well, the Ministry scrapped the criteria after we realized that the best candidates wouldn't qualify," said Arthur in embarrassment. "Harry, I was told to make it sound as efficient and exclusive as possible. We turned down nine because we felt that their family's support may not allow them to do what was necessary in an emergency."
Harry had to laugh at the ineptitude of the Ministry of Magic. "Mr. Weasley, I know you're just the messenger in this case but I don't think that place, the Ministry I mean, has enough brains in it to blow its nose." Harry couldn't help himself. He could think of no instance where he would establish a list of eligibility requirements before he knew if anyone could meet them. He was sure there must be one, but he couldn't think of it.
"Harry, you look over that material now. Keep an eye on Ron and Hermione please, Hermione is one of the most important parts of this plan," he said as he walked away with a wink.
Harry left the house confused again. Harry knew he shouldn't go too far from the house. If he were caught alone by Deatheaters, it would be all over. There was one thing he was sure of though and that was they rarely worked their savagery during the day. He found a spot in sight of the house near an old stump and sat down to think.
He was exhausted already and it was hardly noon. The emotional rollercoaster left him breathless at times. He was happy for the few minutes to clear his head. There were so many surprises that Harry's head began to swim again, yet as he sorted them out they really went into easy categories. One category was obvious: Hermione and the ordeal he could see on the horizon there. The other was the DA. He was afraid that the priority in his life right now had suddenly shifted from Horcruxes and Dark Wizards to Hermione. He surprised himself by coming to that conclusion so quickly. He had ended a very nice and cozy relationship to deal with Voldemort, but this was different. It burned his soul to think of life without Hermione.
That was the difference really. It had been there all along. Her friendship as well as Ron's meant more than anything. He could defeat Voldemort, but if Hermione didn't know he loved her it would seem like his life was a waste. There was the rub. He needed the strength that came from both of his best friends. Ron was not an easy person to figure out. One minute he would understand everything and the next he would be disagreeable with either him or Hermione.
Harry sighed and tried to put it into words in his own mind. How could he describe what's happening to him right now?
"Ron, you may think I lied to you about Hermione, but it was because I respected you and your love for her. I
didn't dare acknowledge my feelings for her until I realized you don't love
her as much as I do. Don't you see, mate, it was because I loved you both that I'm where I am
today. Blokes don't tell blokes they love them often, but it's the only explanation that I can think of that
explains how I put up with your rubbish for so long. When you break up with her, I will comfort her. If you
hurt her, I will come after you. So, be angry, hit me, or whatever, but don't think I betrayed you.
You'd be lying to yourself."
Harry wondered for an instant if it meant he was gay, because he truly loved his best mate. He laughed realizing how stupid that was. Maybe he was just losing his mind today. The tears streamed down his face. They weren't for Ron. They were for the fact that if Ron didn't believe him or was offended, he'd have to do whatever was necessary to defend Hermione or himself. He had to make a stand and say the unspoken to save his family. The only family he ever knew.
He turned back toward the house as he did he saw a young woman kind of dancing in the breeze. He knew it must be Luna. He called to her as loudly as he could. She didn't hear him. "Luna!" he said as he jogged toward her. She finally heard him and a smile filled her face that he could see from a distance.
"Hiya, Harry. Just doing the bumblebee dance trying to get a few for a potion I'm making," she said.
Harry laughed and the world seemed right. Luna Lovegood, a symbol of simplicity and happiness, thought Harry. "I won't ask because I'm sure I wouldn't understand."
Luna looked at him and smiled. "Not many people do understand me, Harry. I think you do though so give yourself some credit."
Harry took that as a complement. "So, besides bumblebee dances, what's up with you?"
"Oh, I had to escape the crowd at the Weasleys. I mean it's not like Hogwarts but it seems everyone is into everyone else's business there. At least, at Hogwarts some people could care less, ignore you and let you be alone with your thoughts," she said.
"Exactly," said Harry.
"You look like you could use a friend Harry. What's wrong?" she asked. "Oh, there I go acting just like what I said I was avoiding." She giggled.
"Ah, I suppose I'm fine really. Just a lot of things going on," he said off-handedly.
"Yeah, sometimes I think it must really stink to be you. Even if you're one of the nicest people I've ever met." Luna just hit every nail flush with the hammer of honesty. She pulled no punches and seemed to see what others put blinders on to avoid.
"Why do you say that?" asked Harry. He wasn't sure what she'd say, but whatever it was there would be no guessing what she meant.
"I mean you have your two best friends always fighting. If the rumors are true, you're in love with your best mate's girlfriend and she denies you feel that way. You have to teach a bunch of kids to be strong-willed and fluid to protect themselves against very terrible people. And, last but not least, there is still something that Professor Dumbledore left for you to do that could cost you your life. That's what I meant Harry," said Luna simply.
Harry laughed nervously and gave Luna an unexpected hug. "You are the breath of fresh air I was looking for Luna. I really don't understand how people don't see how brilliant you are."
"Are you making fun of me, Harry?" she asked.
"No, Luna. What if I told you that everything you said was my life in a nutshell? But hearing you say it made more sense than the way it feels inside to try to process it all. I admire you Luna," said Harry in the kindest voice he could muster. No one should treat you like they do he thought.
"So, the rumors about you and Hermione are true?" asked Luna. "I mean there is no chance for us." She smiled teasingly.
He looked at his feet. "Yes, that's pretty much the situation; I'm in a horrible love triangle." He didn't mention that Ron didn't love Hermione like he did nor did he mention the Horcruxes. She didn't need to know those things.
"So, why don't you just steal her away like you did last night and tell her she's the greatest?" said Luna in a simple yet sad way.
"I probably should, but I think it's more complicated than that. I don't want to offend Ron and create a problem for him too," said Harry.
"Well, I wish someone like you would come find me some day," she said. "I've never met anyone who cares about everyone like you do. I can't even to that."
"Luna, promise you won't tell anyone what I've confided in you," said Harry.
"Harry, you are the one person in the world that I would trust with my feelings, so I will do the same for you," said Luna.
Harry felt horrible. He was no saint. The dreams he had of Hermione as well as the hatred he felt for Voldemort, Snape and Malfoy proved he wasn't perfect. He knew that people exaggerated his kindness too. But, it was a good reputation to have when you need friends, he thought.
They walked back to the house as they saw the smoke from the outdoor cooking pit starting to billow and slowly he could smell the barbeque. He'd heard a rumor that Charlie was building one so they could cook enough meat for everyone while they were here. Harry's thoughts drifted back to Luna.
"Hey, Luna, join us at the fire tonight. I mean, everyone is welcome, but sit by me if you would," said Harry.
"Are you asking me on a date?" Luna said playfully. "I don't think Hermione would be jealous of me."
"Luna, you're nuts and I mean that in a good way. No, just for the record I'm not asking you on a date, but I do like talking to you. You make me feel pretty good when you're around." He stopped and whispered in her ear. "You're the only one besides Hermione that makes me feel good when things are really tough." He was serious and he hoped she understood.
"Okay, see you tonight Harry," said Luna as she giggled and ran off toward the house.
She's said it just loud enough to turn people's heads in wonder. Harry went over and grabbed a bun and slopped some barbecue on it. He sat down by himself even though there was a spot by Ron and Hermione. He smiled and waved. He knew the emotions from today were too close to the surface still. He would spend the rest of the day reading Lupin's instructions.
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