Unofficial Portkey Archive

Chapter 5

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Hang on to a dream

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What can I say?
She's walking away
From what we've seen
What can I do
Still loving you?
It's all a dream
How can we hang on to a dream?
How can it ever be the way it seems ?
How can we hang on to a dream?

What can I say?
She's walking away
From what we've seen
What can I do
Still loving you
It's all a dream

Hang on to a dream - Hederos & Hellberg (orig. Tim Hardin)

-

They were soon separated again when Ginny returned. Hermione felt as if she was moving in slow-motion, while the rest of the room was moving at great speed. She felt Ron's hand rubbing her knee, she felt Harry's burning gaze, Seamus's loud laugh echoed in her ears, and every time Ginny would kiss Harry the sound of her lips made against his made Hermione's heart ache.

"Are you ready to go upstairs and fool around?" Ron whispered. He put his hand higher up on her thigh and she could smell the strong scent of alcohol on his breath.

"I think you should stay here and have fun with the gang. I am leaving," she answered apologetically.

"What's with you?" Ron muttered gruffly.

"I am so sorry Ronald. I just have a stomach ache."

"Is it, hmm... that time… you know, of the month?" he said awkwardly.

Hermione nodded. This was great, now she at least had an excuse why she would want to be alone, and wouldn't want to get naked with Ron.

Harry watched her as she walked away; he wanted to run after her. He heard the twins discussing Zonko's products and saw his perfect excuse.

"Hey, I'll run up and get my new screaming yo-yo. You have to check it out."

Before anyone could protest he was running up the stairs, two steps at a time. He was out of breath when he reached Hermione's door. He knocked it and it quickly opened. She stood there just looking passionately at him. He walked in and wrapped his arms around her.

"What are we doing?" she whispered.

She looked excited, yet sad at the same time. He buried his face in her hair; it all felt so right when he was close to her.

"I can't stand it. I can't see you with Ron. I just can't…" he mumbled into her hair. He started kissing her neck and she moaned. He continued to speak between kisses: "Please, promise me that you won't make love to him tonight. I can't bare the thought of it."

"I won't. I promise you," she answered. She lifted up his face and looked in to his green eyes and she gently stroked his scar with her thumb. "Oh Harry," she whispered with tears in her eyes. He leaned forward and eagerly kissed her. "You have to go," she continued and he knew she was right. She opened the door for him. He quickly looked out into the hallway and saw that it was empty. He stole one more kiss and then left.

Ron didn't get back until early in the morning. He was in a wonderful mood, but Hermione pretended to be sleeping.

The next morning, Hermione walked around Hogsmeade. She knew it would be hours before the others woke from their alcohol coma. She thought about her options. She loved two men in her life, Ron and Harry. She had actually seen a future with Ron. She had been in love with Harry for so many years, but he had never noticed her that way. She had learned to live with that, and Ron was wonderful. They had a great time. But now Harry had noticed her all of a sudden, like she always wished for in school. But what is it was just temporarily? Maybe he'd fall for Luna next…. No, that would never happen, she thought and had to smile at the idea. Ron was so cute, and nice, and such a gentle lover. He made her laugh and she really trusted him. But Harry… well Harry was Harry. She closed her eyes and saw his beautiful smile, his green eyes, and his black hair. She saw his naked body and was filled with a desire like she had never felt for Ron.

"What the bloody hell am I supposed to do?" she cried out loud. She tried to picture Ron back with Lavender Brown, sure she wouldn't like it that much. But when she pictured Harry with Ginny or any other girl she felt like screaming. She didn't want to hurt either Ron or Harry…was the answer that she would have to hurt them both? She knew that breaking up the two best friends was not an option. She wouldn't be responsible for that! Well I should have thought about that before I got naked with Harry! she thought and angrily kicked the snow.

She couldn't talk to anyone about it, Ginny was the closest female friend that she'd ever had, and she had betrayed her as well. Well so what? Ginny would get to keep Harry, not Hermione. She thought about Harry asking her not to sleep with Ron last night, what about him? Had he slept with Ginny? Hermione finally decided what she needed to do. It wasn't going to be easy, but she needed to do the right thing. The first right thing she had done since this whole mess started.

Later that evening they all sat around the big table in the small kitchen at the Burrow. Hermione looked around, everyone was so happy. Mrs. Weasley was beside herself, so happy to have so many of her children there. Charlie was still in Romania and Percy still hadn't made peace with the family, but the rest were there, and even Lupin had made it. Hermione looked at Harry deep in conversation with Lupin, he was so cute when he concentrated like that. He burst out laughing and it made Hermione's stomach bubble a bit.

Ginny was telling her father how she had beaten both the twins in a flying competition, the twins denied it of course, but when she challenged them to do it again after dinner, they both had excuses; "My broom is broken" and "I'm not supposed to fly twenty-four hours after eating." Mrs. Weasley leaned over to Ron and started removing some sauce from his cheek with her sleeve; she spat at in and rubbed his cheek.

"Mum, get off," he said in a loving tone.

Hermione would not be the one to ruin everyone's Christmas. And she certainly wouldn't be the one to deny Harry of the only family he'd ever known.

After dinner they all sat in the living room in front of the fire. Ron sat in one of the armchairs and Hermione was sitting on the floor between his legs. Every now and then she would throw glances at Harry, but he seemed to be avoiding looking at her as much as possible. He was also sitting on the floor, Ginny lying with her head on his lap.

She tried to enjoy this moment as much as possible, she didn't know if there would be another one ever again.

Bill was lovingly caressing Fleur's stomach while she was going on and on about how she wouldn't get fat during the pregnancy. Arthur was doing a puzzle with the twins and Mrs. Weasley was looking gleefully at Fleur. Everyone was so happy. They hadn't had happy Christmases since before the war, but now they were all celebrating. But Hermione wasn't happy, and she knew someone else who wasn't; she looked at Harry again. He was looking down at Ginny while she was going on about the seventh year at Hogwarts. Hermione knew what she had to do. She had to leave. Not forever of course. But long enough for the wounds to heal, long enough for everyone to forget.

-

She went back to her parents the day after Christmas and stayed there for one week. Ron and Harry had gone to Grimmauld Place at the same time she had left. They were fixing it up together. She had to go there, she had to tell them. She had accepted a job at the ministry under the condition that she could do her one year introductory year abroad. They had been so happy to employ her that they would have agreed to anything.

She felt as if she was walking to a funeral, when she walked up the street to Grimmauld Place. She was still Ron's girlfriend at the moment, and he would hate her in one hour. She was Harry's friend now, but soon he would know that she was abandoning him and he would think she was a coward. The closer she got, the more her stomach ached. She knocked on the front door and waited, holding her breath. Harry opened the door, and her tears immediately started to burn. Why couldn't she just kiss him and hug him?

"Oh, hi," he said surprised. He stepped aside so she could enter.

"Wow, the house is looking…. Well better at least." She looked around.

"Slowly getting there," he agreed, he leaned over and gave her a kiss on the cheek.

Ron came down the stairs. He looked delighted to see her. He gave her a hug and picked her up swinging her from side to side. Hermione saw Harry look away.

Ok that's it, she thought, I needed to do this now.

"Harry I need to talk to Ron, is that ok?" she asked.

He looked up. "Of course, I'll be in the living room." He looked nervous. Maybe he thought she would tell Ron everything. Hermione took Ron by the hand and lead him in to the kitchen.

"Maybe we should have some tea," Hermione said as she saw the kettle on the stove. She walked over and poured tea into two cups. "You want sugar, right Ronald?"

"Ronald? Uh-oh, got to be serious then," he teased. She sat the cup in front of him, and took a seat opposite him. He looked confused.

"I took a job at the ministry," she started.

"Brilliant! I've asked Harry if I can live here with him. The ministry is so close from here, I'm sure he'd let you move in as well. We could live together, couldn't we?"

"They've given me my introductory year abroad…" she said quietly. There, it was said. It was out there.

"What would they do that for? Look Hermione, don't worry about it. We'll ask Harry to talk to them, they can't say no to him now can they," he sounded like he was convincing himself more than her.

"I actually requested it."

Ron kept stirring the spoon. He looked out the window and frowned slightly. "My tea needs milk." He got up and went to the refrigerator.

"Ron, look…"

"No I get it. You're shucking me!" He sat back down and looked stern at her.

"Please…" Hermione couldn't stop the tears welling up.

"Tired of me now that the war is over? Not smart enough? Found someone else? What is it? I just don't get it, to tell you the truth. We were doing so bloody well!" He slammed his fist on the table and it made Hermione jump. She felt so awful.

"No, you're wrong," she whimpered. "Everything feels so overwhelming now that the war is over. You are still the most brilliant man alive Ronald, but I need to sort things out."

"What?"

"I don't really know. I just need to think about my life, where it's headed and what I want out of life."

"Meaning, if you want me," his voice was breaking and she knew he was about to cry. "Why should I stay here and listen to this?"

"Because I am leaving tonight, and if you go, we won't be able to say goodbye."

"Tonight? Are you insane? How could you tell me something like this at the last minute? Is there something wrong with you?" he yelled.

"Ronald, please! I got the job offer and it was now or never."

He shook his head unbelievingly. "Fine, if this is what you want." He looked furious. He turned around and quickly walked for the front door.

"Ron, please don't go!" She ran after him.

He looked around and looked at her, and then with a calm voice he said, "If you want it to be over, then it's over." He slammed the door behind him.

Hermione sat down on the stairs. She cried so hard that she could hardly breathe. She had done it, hurt Ron so badly. He is better off without me, she reminded herself.

Harry walked into the hallway. "Did Ron just say that you were over?" He looked shocked at her.

She stood up, prepared for another round in the ring. "Yes."

Harry grabbed her and hugged her hard. "I can't believe it. You did it Hermione! We can be together now. Well not immediately of course, but once Ron is ok." He spun around and Hermione's feet left the ground.

"No Harry," she spoke softly. "I am leaving you both."

-

A few minutes later she had explained the situation to Harry as well.

"So you'd rather leave the country than handle what happened between us?"

"That's not what this is about." She had tried to explain the situation to him, but he took it even harder than Ron.

"You're a coward. You did something that scares you and now you are running. You're pathetic Hermione."

Hermione swallowed hard. She had to be strong; she had anticipated hard and angry words, more from Ron than Harry, but still.

"Look, I am not running away. I am just trying to do the right thing. Would you like to tell Ron that you shagged his girlfriend? Should I just tell him that we screwed our brains out the other night? And, oh yeah, we want to be together now, so sod off. Do you really think that is a good idea? Do you really want to hurt Ron like that?"

"No but…."

"But nothing! That's it. I've thought about this over and over, I can't find another answer. This way you and I can both get over this…this thing between us. You can sort things out with Ginny, and I can…."

"Find your way back to Ron?" Harry spat at her.

She shook her head. "Maybe I can learn to live with myself after all of this." She was still sitting on the stairs and Harry knelt down in front of her.

"What can I say? What can I do to make you stay? Please don't go!" he sobbed with his head in her lap. She gently stroked his hair. Harry couldn't believe she was doing this. He looked up at her, she looked to sad. He understood that there was nothing he could do to stop her, her mind was made up. He raised his head and stood back up again.

"So go then," he said in a voice colder than Hermione had ever heard. She looked surprised at him. "I won't stop you. I guess I'll see you around," he continued. He walked by her up the stairs without turning around. He heard the door close within one minute after that. He sat down on his bed, looked up at the ceiling, and concentrated on his breathing. One breath in and one out, he thought. Damn, there I go! He felt a tear trickle down his cheek. "Oh Hermione…" he whispered to the empty room. He had a feeling that it would be quite sometime before he'd see her again.

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