Chapter XVI: a few bumps along the way
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But if you are feeling sinister
Go off and see a minister
He'll try in vain to take away the pain of being a hopeless unbeliever
-"if you're feeling sinister" by Belle and Sebastian
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Friday
--
Her eyes widened in shock as she assessed the situation, she tried to remind herself to breath as she focused on tightening her grip on the blanket, in a useless attempt to maintain some sort of decency. As she slowly got off the floor she prayed that she was just an imbecile that forgot to put on pajamas the night before and then somehow ended up in the wrong bed.
"Fuck, I just had to be the horny imbecile!" she cried out.
At the shock of the sudden sound James shot up from the bed in surprise. He squinted at the sight of a clearly almost naked Lily, as if trying to make sure that she was real, "please tell me that you're some hangover induced illusion."
She grabbed the nearest pillow and hit him with it, "no, you dolt!"
"So what then? Did we shag?" he asked her, eyes widening at the notion.
She just rolled her eyes in response, turning to pace the room.
"Oy, you're going to wear a hole into the floor if you do that. No need to get so wound up about it, we'll work it out Lils, just stop for a second and breathe."
She ignored him completely as she groaned in frustration, "How- how the hell did this happen?"
"Lily, I have a hangover, woke up to your screeching, and haven't had coffee yet-I have to tell you, it's just not a good start to the day, so please don't make it worse by making me nauseous with your pacing," James groaned.
"I can't believe you, here I am on the verge of a total mental breakdown and all you can do is whine about a hangover, get over it!"
"Just calm down, we'll work it out," he told her as he grabbed her arm to still her.
"Cover yourself up and then we can talk," she told him with a glare.
He rolled his eyes, grabbing the duvet that had fallen off the bed along with Lily, "there, happy?"
"I just-I don't get it, how can you just act as if nothing happened! Doesn't anything get to you?!"
"It's not that big of a deal Lily, it's really not. We got drunk and shagged; it's not all that uncommon."
"Are you really that much of a man whore that you can't even understand why this affects me so much?-"
"That's not fair!"
She bit back any retorts she may have had, opting to just take a deep sigh in an attempt to cool herself down, "I think-maybe we just need some space. I mean, we're obviously not going to get anywhere with this-it'll be better if we each just deal with it on our own."
"Lils, no-"
"Yeah, I just-I really need to get out of here."
--
What's left to lose? You've done enough,
And if you fail then you fail but not to us,
'Cause these last three years,
I know they have been hard,
But now it's time to get out of the desert and into the sun,
Even if its alone.
-"on your porch" by the Format
--
"Morning," James greeted the group as he took a seat at the breakfast table.
"Where's Lily?" Alice asked.
"Oy, no mocking her, every time she has a hangover you do that jut to get a rise out of her!" Elle reprimanded her.
"But it's so much fun to do before the hangover potion kicks in," Alice pouted.
"I wouldn't do it if I were you, especially after you made a fool out of yourself last night," Remus told her.
"Fuck, I was hoping nothing happened."
"At least you have no recollection of it, that way you can deny it ever happening because you don't remember it," Remus told her with a wink.
"True, you really are brilliant Lupin."
"I try."
"So where is Lily anyway? I thought she'd be the first one here for her pick me up morning coffee, "Elle asked James.
"Um, she's not feeling too well, won't be coming down."
Elle eyed him suspiciously, obviously aware of the fact that he had just lied, before her eyes widened, "Bloody hell-now way-you didn't-"
James groaned when he realized that she knew.
"What? What the hell is going on?" Alice asked.
"You two shagged, didn't you?" Elle asked.
"Well-I mean-maybe?" James desperately stumbled for words only to be left speechless.
"No way!" Remus exclaimed.
"But how?" Sirius asked.
"Does he really have to give you the birds and the bees speech?" Alice snapped at him. "And you-how the hell could you let that happen?"
"Well it's not like I had much control over it, we were pissed."
"Fuck James, of all the girls-"
"I know, okay? I know, it's bad enough that she won't talk to me, I don't need you berating me as well," he told her before getting up to leave.
"Well someone's in a pissy mood," Alice quipped as she watched him leave.
"You didn't have to do that," Sirius told her.
"Well what was I supposed to say?"
"Look at him Alice, he cares about her, he already feels guilty, you didn't have to add to it," Sirius told her before leaving the hall, following James.
"I'm going to go after them two, make sure everything's okay," Remus told them.
Alice and Elle sat in an uncomfortable silence until Alice finally interrupted it, "I didn't mean to be mean."
"I know."
"But it doesn't make it any better, does it?"
"No, not really," Elle admitted.
"Damn."
"Yep."
--
Are you feeling just like me, Feeling down, down, down.
Wishing you were beside me nightly,
Down, down, down.
I'll keep my eyes glued to the ground.
Down, down, down.
-"sometimes the sun" by the Lashes
--
"Hey love," Benjy greeted her as he took a seat by her at the stands of the quidditch pitch.
"Hey, how did you know I was here?"
"I was about to practice when I noticed you here."
"Lucky me," she said with a smile as she let him pull her into his chest.
"So what's with you, you seem down."
"Just tired, we went out for a few drinks last night and I didn't get much sleep. Don't think I'm going to go to class today."
"Probably for the best, don't want you falling asleep half way through the lesson," he teased her.
"That only happened once."
"It's pretty sad that it ever even happened."
"Shut up," she playfully shoved him.
"So who did you go out with last night?"
"Oh it was just Alice, Elle, James, Sirius, and Remus; why?"
She could tell that he was holding back when he tightly responded: "just wondering."
"Nothing happened," she assured him, but she couldn't ignore her guilt over her lie.
"I trust you, maybe not him, but I know I can count on you."
She forced herself to smile, "you should head to class, don't want you to get into trouble because of me."
"You'd be worth it, but for your conscience, I'll go," he told her before giving her a kiss. "Bye love."
"Bye."
--
It's been one week since you looked at me
Cocked your head to the side and said "I'm angry"
Five days since you laughed at me saying
"Get that together come back and see me"
Three days since the living room
I realized it's all my fault, but couldn't tell you
Yesterday you'd forgiven me
but it'll still be two days till I say I'm sorry
-"one week" by the Barenaked Ladies
--
"James," Rachel called after him, trying to get his attention as he made his way to the pitch.
He stopped and turned around, waiting for her to catch up to him, "uh, hey Rachel, what can I do for you?"
She smiled at him flirtatiously, "actually it's a question of what I can do for you."
"What do you mean?" he asked, ignoring the innuendo.
"How would you like to go on a date with me?"
As James was about to respond out of the corner of his eye he noticed Lily making her way back to the castle from the stands. "Um, sorry Rachel, but I actually have my eye on someone at the moment," he told her before leaving her to catch up with Lily.
"Hey," he greeted her as he grabbed onto her arm to keep her from walking away.
She turned to look at him, obviously uncomfortable, "hi."
"Can we talk?" when he noticed her pause he continued, "I promise it's just walking and talking, nothing more, you have my word."
"I could always truest your word."
"Is that a yes?" he asked her with a small smile.
She smiled shyly as she nodded her head in consent. The two sat in an uncomfortable silence, James waiting for Lily to make the first move, and Lily trying to work up the nerve to apologize to him, "I know you didn't do it on purpose, I get that, and I don't blame you."
"Then what is it? Why are you avoiding me?"
"I just-I feel so guilty, and I know this is going to sound horrible, but you-you're just a reminder of what I did."
"Is it really that horrible?" he asked her quietly.
"I don't know, and that's the worst part of it. I just-I feel like I'm no better than him because a part of me really doesn't regret last night, and it just makes me feel like such a slag."
"You're not."
She threw up her hands in exasperation, "I- I want to believe that, I do, but it feels like such a copout to say that. I mean, I did exactly what he did, I'm no better. It doesn't matter how many times, either way it's betraying the other person-and the worst part is that now I can justify his actions because I see how easy it is, and I hate that because I really do despise him for what he's putting me through, but now I no longer have a right to, do I?"
"You were drunk and it was one time, you're not a bad person Lils."
"Doesn't change the fact that I feel like one, does it?"
"No, I suppose not." He sighed, "What do you need me to do?"
She sighed, although she knew what she needed, it wasn't necessarily what she wanted, and that was something that scared her, "Just give me some space, I can't have a constant reminder of it, I need time to work things out."
"Okay, you've got it… just, Lily, don't make me wait too long… you're easy to miss Evans."
"Same here Potter," she smiled at him before getting up to leave.
--
I'm having trouble breathing
You're sitting on my chest
I sure could use the rest
Leave me
-"trouble sleeping" by the Perishers
--
"Mind if I take this seat?" Rachel asked Lily.
"Sure."
"So why are you just sitting in the common room staring at the fire?"
"I don't know, it's nice," Lily tiredly shrugged.
"Yeah, I guess it is."
"So what do you want to talk about?"
"How'd you know?" Rachel asked her in surprise.
"I can tell that there's something you're itching to ask me.
"You know me too well.-I was wondering if you could tell me what the deal is with you and James."
"I told you that there's no story behind it, we're just mates."
"I asked him out today and he said that he was interested in someone else before running off to you."
"Coincidence."
"I think not."
"Well if it isn't then it's one sided."
"And what does Benjy think about that?"
"Why?" Lily eyed her suspiciously, wondering if he had said something to Rachel.
"Because you're his girlfriend, I doubt he likes the fact that you two are close, especially when James is so obvious about the fact that he likes you."
"We talked about it, he trusts me," Lily shrugged, inadvertently taking joy in the rise that her monosyllabic responses got out of Rachel.
"Are you sure about that?"
"Yeah I am," Lily said, quickly growing tired of the conversation. She already felt totally drained, but the way that the conversation with Rachel was going, she was feeling even more exhausted by the minute. "Rachel I can't deal with this, I'm too worn-out to go through this again, take it up with Benjy if you really need to because all I want to do now is rest a bit," she wearily told her before leaving the Gryffindor dormitory on her way to her own.
--
I can't be sure
You never can
But the signs I know
Where does it come from
Where does it go
Why does it kill you
Painful and slow
I'm out of the fire
I'm into your home
I wanna feel you feel you feel you
Feel you again
-"feel" by Stereophonics
--
"I have a bit of a problem," James told Sirius and Remus as the three walked odd the pitch on their way to the showers after their practice.
"So now you're ready to talk? When we're sweaty and in dire need of a shower, nice Prongs," Remus said.
"Sorry, just wasn't in the mood this morning-Lily and I got into a fight."
"Whatever, just get on with it before you lose the nerve," Sirius told him.
"Okay, what I say has to be in the strictest of confidence."
Remus rolled his eyes at the statement, "because we're a bunch of gossiping twits, not your best mates."
James rolled his eyes, "no need to be so offended."
"Oy! Just get on with it," an exasperated Sirius ordered him.
James paused before quietly saying, "I'm think I might be starting to fall for Lily."
"Well we already knew that, why'd you waste my time like that?" Remus told him.
"No, you don't get it-I'm falling for her, like I'm seriously in like with her."
"In like?" Sirius asked incredulously.
"Well give me a little credit, I'm not about to fall in love after only four weeks."
"But you're James Potter," Sirius sputtered in shock.
"So?"
"You don't really fall for girls, you never have; it's always a passing interest-never anything… substantial."
"Well fuck logic, it's a bitch anyway."
"But that's just-wow, she really did a number on you," Sirius said in awe.
"What do I do?" he groaned as he threw his head into his hands in frustration.
"She still loves him," Remus told him with a shrug.
"I know."
"If her goal hasn't changed by now then it's not going to, you're the one that's going to have to do the changing mate."
"But I just-I can't! She's-she loves quidditch, she's the weirdest girl I've ever met and-she's just Lily. I'm- I'm not used to this, I'm not used to actually caring about a girl that isn't just a mate and it scares me. And then the worst part is that I know that she deserves better than both of us, but I've never really liked a girl until now and I'm just supposed to forget about it?"
"Yeah," Remus told him.
"It's ironic you know," Sirius commented.
"What is?" James asked.
"Throughout this entire competition you and Fenwick have had all these years you've always won, but the only time that it ever really matters to you, you're the one to lose."
"Yeah, I'm not finding the amusement in this," James glared at him
"You just-you have to let her go mate, she's not going to change her mind and if you try to force her to you'll lose her as a friend as well."
"Great, I get to be the loser," James groaned.
"Well it'll be a first for you, quite a novelty actually," Sirius told him with a smile, desperately trying to ease his mood.
"You guys go ahead I need to just stay here a bit."
"You sure about that?" Sirius asked.
"Yeah, I just-I need to cool down a bit before going back to the dorm to see Lily."
"Not a good idea," Remus told him.
"Don't have much of a choice considering that I live with her."
"He's right about that one," Sirius told Remus.
"You're not going to do anything drastic, are you mate?" Remus asked him.
"No promises, but personally, I'd like nothing better than to go out and overthrow that relationship."
"Well you're fucked there, how about a more peaceful, Ghandi-esque route?" Sirius
James just blankly stared at him in response.
"Right, so we'll just leave you here to do your thinking."
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Author's note: so here I am yet again, hope you enjoyed it. Once again I wasn't sure about this chapter (but then again that happens to me a lot, lol), but I hope you enjoyed it, and please review
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