Unofficial Portkey Archive

Chapter IX: Re-Evaluating and Reminiscing

--

Now that we know for sure,
They're telling lies,
When they say no one gets hurt and therefore nobody dies,
You know it's hard to believe anything that you hear,
They say the world is round…

-"Metal Heart" by Garbage

--

Monday

Week II

--

Lily walked into the Great Hall the following morning only to bump right into Benjy as he was exiting. "Hey, where are you going? I was hoping you'd come and join us for breakfast."

"Morning to you too," he told her as he gave her a kiss. "Have an early morning practice scheduled for today, so sorry love, but I won't be able to. How about I take you out tonight, instead?"

"Sure, sounds great. Pick me up at seven?"

"You're on, anyways I should go. They can't very well start without me."

"Bye," she told him before giving him one final kiss.

"Oy Evans, over here," Sirius called her over as she neared the Gryffindor table.

"Is it possible for you to talk without food in your mouth?" she asked him as she took a seat by James across from him.

"If he hasn't learned by now, you can't very well expect him to any time soon," James teased.

"Hey, I resent that!"

"Chew it, don't spray it, Siri-Poo," Lily winked at him.

"Siri-Poo? Does that mean I can give you a nickname as well?"

"I'm not sure if it's safe to answer that one."

"Trust me, it's not," James told her. "Where are Prewitt and Poirot?"

"Alice is off flirting with the quidditch team, Frank is watching the scene and green with envy, and Elle is probably finishing some assignment she forgot to do before hand."

James cocked an eyebrow at her, "I didn't ask about Frank, is that your not-so-subtle way of trying to hint at something?"

"Yes, it is. You should be a better mate and tell him to just buck up and ask her out already."

"She's right," Sirius agreed.

"Then why don't you do it?" James asked him.

"I can't help Prewitt out, she refers to me as "the gay one." I'd be totally illogical."

"He's right, it wouldn't make much sense." Lily said, but suddenly comprehension dawned upon her. "Oh my God! Bloody hell! Fuck! I just agreed with Sirius logic!"

"The first time is the hardest," James sympathetically patted her back.

"Hey Lily," Rachel greeted her as she took a seat by her side.

"Hi," Lily said in a slightly less then enthused voice, a fact that James quickly reprimanded her for by kicking her under the table. As realization hit her, she quickly looked the girl over in an attempt to find something to compliment her on so as to divert her attention from what had just happened. "That's a beautiful necklace, is it new?"

"Oh you like it? Benjy gave it to me for my birthday, he's so sweet. You're so lucky to have him; he's like the best boyfriend ever. I mean, he even said that it's in the shape of a crown, because it's my special day and I should be treated like a princess; isn't that just the sweetest thing? And those are real diamonds and it's platinum, can you believe it?"

"That was so thoughtful of him," Lily managed to choke out.

"Oy Lils, you and I have to go through some Heads stuff, how about we go work on it now?" James asked noticing Lily's distress.

"Oh do you have to, Lily?" Rachel pouted.

"I think it's for the best, can't procrastinate, you know," Lily told her, forcing a smile.

"Let's go," she told James.

"Lead the way, Madame," he told her, smiling in his usual charming manner in a desperate attempt to ease her nerves.

--

I can tell there's something goin' on,
Hours seem to disappear,
Everyone is leaving, I'm still with you…

It doesn't matter what we do,
Where we are going to,
We can stick around and see this night through…

-"Young Folks" by Peter Bjorn & John

--

"Hey love," Benjy greeted her as they met up in front of the Heads' dorm that evening.

"Hello to you too," she told him with a smile, forgetting everything as she kissed him. "So what are we doing this evening?"

"Well, I had the elves prepare us some food," he told her as he pointed to the picnic basket by his feet. "And I thought maybe we'd go by the lake, no one's down there this time of night anyway."

"That sounds great."

"Thought you'd like it," he told her with one of those smiles that were so perfect, that the boy had to spend hours in front of a mirror working on it. The effort, however, was worth it, as Lily (like so many other girls) immediately fell for it, blushing at the fact that he had put in such effort and thought into it.

--

Love like ours should never die with years,

Once you start, you can't ever go backwards,

`Cause if dark is one then bright is two,

No one knows where we're heading to,

No matter what it takes, never give up on you,

I want you to change it all,
I am gonna make it better…

-"Consolation Prizes" by Phoenix

--

"I've missed this- being like this, just us," Benjy commented as the two sat by the lake, eating.

"We haven't really had much time for one another, have we?"

"No, suppose not."

"It's a shame."

"Well of course it is, I hate being deprived of my beautiful girlfriend," he told her as he lightly kissed her neck. "Who has got to be the sexiest, smartest witch ever," he told her as he continued kissing her, getting bolder with each one as she whimpered slightly at the feel of it.

Feeling herself edging closer and closer to the point of no return, she pushed him lightly, "Benjy, no, I told you, my period, we can't."

"But it's been so long, Lils," he complained.

"Well not much I can do about it now, is there?" she asked him teasingly.

"Yeah, I guess you're right, shame though. I miss that sexy body of yours," he told her as he pulled her to his chest.

"It's really beautiful out here, isn't it?"

"Yeah, a giant squid- that's beautiful all right," he sarcastically commented.

"No need to mock and you know what I mean."

"Just teasing love, I adore it when you get all angry and flustered, very hot."

"Well then I'll have to stop with that, you're horny enough as it is."

"Ouch Lils, that really hurts," he told her as he gripped at his heart to demonstrate the pain her statement caused him.

"Oh get over it, you big baby," she told him, lightly shoving him with her shoulder.

"You know you love it," he whispered huskily, his lips at her ear, so close that she could feel his smirk.

"Maybe."

"Sure love, but just remember, denial isn't just a river in Egypt."

Lily just laughed at his use of the classic cliché, "That's pathetic."

"Maybe, but you love me for it."

And the worst part was, he had no clue just how much she really did.

--

We stumble into our lives:
Reach for a hand to hold.
And any wonder,
We need to find
A certain something, certain.

Turn out the light,
And what are you left with?
Open up my hands
And find out they're empty.
Press my face to the ground
I've gotta find a reason.
Just scratching around,
For something to believe in:
Something to believe in.

-"Something To Believe In" by Aqualung

--

Tuesday

--

It's three in the morning and I can't sleep.

It's three in the morning and I'm wallowing in bed, staring blankly at the wall, the wall that I can't even really see because my bedroom is pitch back.

I feel pathetic; all I can see is that necklace, all I can hear is that story being replayed in my head time and time again. The worst part is that I forgot-when I was with Benjy, none of it existed, but now-now that I'm back, alone, it's all that exists.

That's it, for the sake of my ego and whatever miniscule amount of pride I have left, I have to get out of here. At the very least I should be pouting in a lit room.

"Morning, can't sleep as well?" she asked James, slightly surprised to see him staring blankly at the fire- thinking to herself tat he almost looked as pathetic as her, but then again he was actually staring at something, she had just… stared.

"Yeah, I don't know, just not in the mood."

"Well then what do you say we go get some fresh air and get totally pissed? I have some firewhiskey in my room that's just dying to be drunk and I was in need of a drinking buddy as it is."

He laughed, and it took her by surprise just how glad she was to hear him sound merrier then he was before, how much she genuinely wanted to help make him feel better. Even if they technically were mates now, she had never taken into account just how close they had gotten in the short period of time.

--

If I could do just one near perfect thing, I'd be happy.
They'd write it on my grave, or when they scattered my ashes…

-"If She Wants Me" by Belle and Sebastian

--

"You know, I never really took you for the type to sneak out and get pissed in the middle of the night-- or should I say early in the morning?" James commented as the two sat on the rocks by the lake sharing a large bottle of whiskey.

"That's because I'd rather not have people see me that way."

"What way?"

"You know, that way."

"Wow, that's not vague at all."

"I'm slightly drunk so I'm excused, but seriously - my reputation; it means a lot to me. I don't want to be just another moderately pretty girl; I want to be recognized for more. It means so much to me to be Head Girl, to have someone respect me enough to give me that title- that's…that's all I really want… respect."

"Well for one," James pointed out, slightly uneasily as the alcohol took hold, jutting a finger into the air to emphasize his point. "You're not decent looking, but fucking hot as hell, let that one be noted. Two, why be a boring priss? Seems like a waste of time to me, I mean I always disliked you-"

"More like hated me," Lily corrected him.

James winced, "Hate is such a strong word, love."

"But true."

"Fine, hated you," he finally conceded with a sigh. "The point is, it was always because I thought you were just an annoying, rule-abiding girl with a stick up your arse that really didn't know the meaning of fun. But…I don't know. You're kind of cool, in a quirky sort of way."

"Quirky?"

"Yeah, like you live on coffee, have an inane fear of vegetables, total klutz, can't arrive on time for anything, even if your life depends upon it."

Lily laughed, "Well you're better than I thought, too."

"Oh please, do count the ways!"

"Well your ego's definitely as big as I had always assumed, which is the one downer, but you're also funny. You're sarcastic, a bit of a wanker at times, but you also manage to pull that one off. You're unbelievably loyal, and a great listener."

"Oh stop it, you're making me blush."

Lily laughed, stopped when James turned to her, really looking at her. For the first time, taking in the scene before them, the fact that they were getting drunk for some reason-a fact that immediately had a sobering effect upon him.

"You know, even though before I always thought you were an annoying bitch-"

"Gee, thanks," Lily sarcastically told him, unlike James, still living up her alcohol induced buzz.

"But I really like you now, and I think, that we could be really good mates, best of mates. I also want you to know that if there's anything, anything at all, that you need, even if it's just a mate to talk to, I'm here for you, I want to be," he sincerely told her.

"Thanks, I think I'll take you up on that offer."

"Good, now talk," he ordered.

"What? Now?" she asked, her eyes widening, regaining her senses at the shock of his last words.

"Yes now. There's something bothering you and I'm here now, so talk, let it out, vent."

Lily sighed, knowing that there was no way to get around his order, "Okay, I have a question for you."

"Shoot."

"Is it impossible to love me?"

James's face contorted into one of absolute confusion, "What- no, no way Lils. Take it from me, if the guy that was the leader of the `I hate Evans' club now wants to be friends with you, then you're definitely not unlovable.'

She weakly smiled at him, "Thanks."

"What brought this on?"

"It's just, I'm not close to my mom or my sister, I mean I don't even want to get into that one, and then… then there's Rachel who did you know… and Benjy… Benjy definitely doesn't love me… it's just as if all signs point to the fact that I'm an unlovable hag."

"Lils-"

"No, please, no pity."

"No pity, I promise, but what about Alice and Elle, aren't you friends with them?"

"Best of, but still-"

"No buts, the only one with the pity here is you. Lils, you're not unlovable at all… he's just a jackass and you're too blind to see it."

"I know he's a wanker, but still-he's my wanker. I love him and I need him to love me. I know it's weak of me James, very Jane Austen and Margaret Mitchell, but I can't help it. He makes me happy; he makes the pain go away. We don't choose who we love."

"From the way I see it, it looks like all he's been giving you is pain."

"Only recently, it'll change though."

"That's pathetic."

"You've never been in love before. It's worth it."

"You deserve better."

"But I want him."

"He'll never deserve you."

"Maybe."

James sighed, giving up after finally realizing just how she was adamant about it all, just how far in she- he was. "What do you need from me?"

"To be the good looking mate that helps me along the way."

"Well I am particularly talented in that," he smiled at her, trying to push aside his true feelings about it all.

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