Unofficial Portkey Archive

Chapter XVII: phase IX: insecurity

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And you'll never know, what could have been,
And you'll never see, where I've been,
And you'll never know, what could have been,
and you'll never see, where I've been

-"Hideaway" by Rock Kills Kid

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Saturday

--

"Lily? What are you doing here?" James asked her with a smile when she surprised him by appearing at his door.

"Hey, um-I know we're not talking and all that, but I just-I wanted to wish you good luck at the game today."

He smiled, "Thanks, any chance I'll see you at the celebratory party?"

"Don't think so, I have plans with Benjy."

"Oh right… what do you get out of the deal when Gryffindor wins anyway?"

she laughed, "Okay I let you pass with the `celebratory party' comment, but seriously that second one is just far too cocky for me to let it go, especially since it followed the last one. I can't even catch a break with that ego of yours," she teased him, slightly nudging his shoulder with hers.

"It's well deserved, trust me."

"I'll take your word for it. As for your question, he has to take me out to lunch."

"Getting him to celebrate a Gryffindor victory, nice."

"I'd like to think so-listen I should go, I just wanted to say… that.'

"Thanks, it means a lot to hear."

--

Well I could see,
you home with me,
but you were with another man, yea!
I know we ain't got much to say,
before I let you get away, yea!
I said, are you gonna be my girl?

-"are you gonna be my girl" by Jet

--

"You had the perfect chance and you chickened out?!" Sirius asked him incredulously as the three were having breakfast.

"You can't just expect me to blurt it out like that; the girl loves him for fuck's sake!"

"But she was flirting with you," Sirius argued.

"She didn't realize it-just let me deal with this on my own terms."

"And what would that be, ignoring the fact that this is the first girl that you've ever really liked?"

"It's what she wants, I've fucked it up with enough girls as it is and I'm not about to do it again, much less with a girl I actually care about."

"You're pathetic."

"Why's James pathetic this time?" Elle asked as she and Alice took a seat by the pair at the breakfast table.

"He has a thing for Lily, but doesn't have the courage to go and tell her," Sirius told them without the slightest bit of hesitation.

"Oi, I told you not to tell them!"

Sirius just waved him off in response, fully dismissing him by saying: "They're girls, they know how to deal with this stuff, if anything they can give you advice."

"Fuck, how the hell did you end up falling for Lily?"

"It just happened, I don't know, can we please drop it?" he begged.

"No way," Elle told him. "I love gossip too much to let you do that, now talk."

"About what?"

"Why you haven't told her."

"She's in love with that prick," James answered, pointing to Lily and Benjy, who were having breakfast at the Ravenclaw table.

"That is a good reason."

"It's pathetic; why are you going to listen to Remus on this one? I'll admit that he's the more reasonable one out of us, but as far as this is concerned, he's wrong. You like her and you're going to whine and mope if you don't have her, so spare me the headache and just get on with it because we all know you're going to do it regardless," Sirius snapped at him.

Alice looked at him strangely, "You sound like me."

"Whatever, I'm going; have to prepare for the match anyway."

"I'm going to go after him. I should be heading out as well anyway, have a game to win," he told them with a forced smile.

"You sound awfully sure of yourself there Potter," Alice teased him.

"Like I'm going to let that git beat me at quidditch as well," he muttered bitterly as he walked off in search of Sirius.

Once he was out of earshot Elle turned to Alice, "Fucking hell, I can't believe he fell for her"

"Did you just curse?-my God, it's such a rare occurrence that it still comes off as a shock to me every time that it happens."

"Alice, stay on topic with me here!"

"Okay, okay, no need to get so bitchy."

Elle just glared at her in response.

"Oh don't try that one on me; you're too nice to pull it off. You look like a bloody poodle trying to be a rottweiler."

"What kind of an analogy is that?"

"A good one, you should see when my aunt's poodle tries to be intimidating, hilarious really."

Elle rolled her eyes, "Whatever-point is that I thought you said he would never fall for her."

"Well it was a bit of an unforeseen incident-" she tried to reason with her.

"Alice!"

"Okay, okay, I'll stop being annoying-but it was fun, I won't deny that; getting a rise out of you is hilarious."

"Alice-" Elle told her with a glare, but that time it actually was rather menacing.

"I don't know how it happened, okay? I really have no idea," she told her, pouting slightly.

"Oh don't try that on me, you're too big of a bitch for that to work for you."

"Calm down Elle, it's not that big of a deal."

"He's a player Alice; we can't have her move on from one to another!"

"I thought you liked James."

"I do-he's hot, an amazing mate, but he's not boyfriend material, and Lily can't have anything else, not when she's finally gaining some sense of self-worth."

"He may have changed," Alice told her in an unusually hopeful and optimistic voice, highly reminiscent of Lily's -a fact that she tried to ignore.

"Or he just thinks he has."

Alice sighed, "Okay, I'll talk to him."

"Thanks."

"No problem, but just so you know, I get that you're worried for her, and it makes sense why, but I really think he's changed."

"And I really hope so."

--

1,2,3,4

As long as we beat the English, we don't care

-"as long as we beat the English" by Stereophonics

--

"Yes! I knew it! We won. Look at those bastards pouting over losing!" Alice cheered after the game ended.

"You're such a bitch sometimes," Elle told her with a disapproving look.

"I can't say I blame you mate, I'm a competitive bitch too, totally get it," Lily said, although not particularly proud of the fact.

"Thank you; at least I have one good friend."

"You two are pathetic," Elle rolled her eyes at the pair, walking away from them as she said that.

"I don't think she appreciated that comment," Alice laughed.

"She loves us; we make her dull and organized life fun. She needs us just like we need her; it's a sick and twisted circle, but works out in our favour."

Lily chuckled at the words, "Very nice observation there-wait, what? Why are you frowning now? What's going on?"

"The slag's making her move on a sad little boy that just lost a match," Alice told her.

"Um, I should-I think I'm going to go congratulate James on a game well played."

"Nice move, I have to say I approve," Alice told her with a wink.

"You're going to be okay?"

"Yeah, don't worry about me, I have a boyfriend to congratulate-albeit it's in a different manner," she told Lily with a wink.

"Okay, have fun."

"I will and good luck."

Lily walked right past Benjy and Rachel, making sure that they noticed her as she made her way to James. "Hey," she greeted him with a hug and a peck on the check, "Congrats on the win, you were great, absolutely amazing."

"Thanks Lily. Listen I-"

"Lils," a voice from behind her interrupted him.

"Benjy, looks like I won the bet," she told him with a smile as she kissed him.

"I was hoping you would forget about that, guess I wasn't that lucky; you want to head out now?"

"Well James was just telling me something-"

"It's fine, it can wait," he told her with a tight smile, leaving no room for argument.

"Um okay, bye," she said as he walked away, returning her attention to Benjy, "Right then you go and take a shower and I'll just wait with the girls, don't want you going all smelly for our date."

Benjy watched her go off to meet up with Alice and Elle before running to catch up with James, grabbing him by the arm to turn him to look at him, "Stay away from her Potter."

James sighed, "Fenwick don't you think this has become awfully trite? If you two had such a strong relationship you wouldn't be nearly as worried about my relationship with her."

"Just stay away from her," he told him with a growl before walking away.

"A prime example of a wanker in his natural habitat, don't you think Remmy?" Sirius asked, clapping James on the back as he and Remus joined him.

"Couldn't have said it better myself."

"Come on, let's go shower and change, there's a party in our honour and it'd be rude of us to miss it," Sirius told him as he led his two friends to the changing room.

--

It's alright
I won't commit my friend
and if you pay for your mistakes
You can break apology
It's just fine

-"committed" by Pete Yorn

--

"Sorry about your loss," Lily tried to console Benjy.

"That would be a bit more believable if you could wipe that smirk off your face," he teased her as he raised a hand to wipe off the moustache she had from drinking her butter beer. "You never were good with foam."

"Glad to see you're in a better mood."

"No point to pout when I've got the company of a beautiful woman," he winked at her. "Besides, there's a match up against Hufflepuff in two weeks that can make up for this game."

"And I'm sure you'll be great."

"Glad to hear I have your support… even if it fluctuates at times."

"Part of my charm," she told him with a smile.

"I am sorry though-you know, for moping like that before, it just-I guess I'm more frustrated by losing to Potter than the loss itself."

"What is it with you two anyway? Why are you always competing with one another?"

"It just-it's always been like that."

"Well it doesn't have to be, I mean all you have to do is kiss and make up-it's easy enough to do, and I'm speaking from experience."

"It's not going to happen Lils, it's just not."

She raised her hands in surrender, "Fine, I give up."

"I know I said I would let you be, but I have to ask, how can you be friends with him? I just-I don't understand why so many girls fall for him, why so many people act like he's something amazing when he's really nothing special."

"I don't know," she cocked her head to the side. "I never got it before, but I think I can see it now. I mean he's undeniably attractive, he's smart, amazing at quidditch, and just a really great bloke to spend time with."

He raised a teasing eyebrow at her, "is there something I should be aware of Lils?"

"Benjy no need to fret, in the end of the day you're the boyfriend, not him. All I'm saying is that you can't blame a girl for fancying him, there's an undeniable charm about him."

"Honestly, I think he's just a horny wanker."

While Benjy hadn't sounded particularly hostile, but rather well at ease when making the comment Lily couldn't help, but be offended by it. "Benjy, he's a good mate of mine, I'm not going to just sit back and let you say that about him."

He sobered up at that comment, his voice taking on more of a low, guttural tone as he spoke to her, "Is it true Lily? Are the rumours right about you falling for him?"

"Benjy, I've told you too many times the answer to that question, now let's stop with this, I don't want to do this, much less so in a public place."

"Look around you Lils, the place is empty. Now answer the question, did you or did you not fall for him?"

"There is nothing going on between us Benjy."

"You didn't answer the question Lily!"

"And I won't, if you can't trust me then that's your problem, but I sure as hell won't sit here and put up with this bloody inquisition," she spat at him as she left, for the first time ignoring his pleads for her to return.

--

From hundreds of miles you cry like a baby
You plead with me, shout, scream, tell me I'm staying
I know I know I know, I'm still your love
Back from the last place that I wanted to fake you
Laugh with me, shout, scream now tell me you're staying
I know I know I know, you're still my love
The same as I love you, you'll always love me too
This love isn't good unless it's me and you

-"I know, Know, I know" by Tegan and Sara

--

When Lily walked into the Heads' common room she immediately noticed that Alice and Elle had passed out on the floor- most likely having stumbled into the room when leaving the party in the Gryffindor room, but never having made it to the couches as they had hoped- with the help of a spell she lifted them off the floor and took them to her room where she let them have her bed for the night.

Alice, however, woke as Lily was leaving the room, "Lily what are you doing here?-wait, what's the time?"

"It's four in the morning, now go back to sleep, we can talk in the morning."

"No, no, it's okay; I'm good-well, sort of. Tell me what happened, you didn't shag him, did you? Because if you did-"

"Calm down, I'm not that stupid. We just got into an argument over James and I wasn't in the mood for a party so I just walked around a bit, cleared my head, thought some things over."

"So what's the end result of Lily time?"

"Honestly? It's just lots of confusion."

"Why? I thought it was plain and simple as far as you were concerned."

"I do-at least I'm pretty sure I do. I just-I feel like I'm manipulating him by doing all of this to make him jealous."

"So you feel guilty?" Alice asked her incredulously.

"Well, yeah."

"You're a fucking idiot."

"Why this time?" Lily asked her with a groan.

"Well let me put it in laymen's terms for you: he's cheating on you and you're the one that feels guilty. There is something seriously wrong with that scenario."

"I cheated too."

"You were drunk."

"No excuse."

"Maybe not, but it does change a lot."

"It's still cheating Alice; you can't make him out to be Satan without pulling me down with him because in the end we both did the same thing."

Alice rolled her eyes, "You know what, you're annoying, I'm going back to sleep."

Lily chuckled slightly, "Your honesty is always so endearing."

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Important Questionnaire: I have a vital question for all of my readers: I need to know if I were to create a playlist through which you could get the songs that I've shown in this fic would you use it? please understand that I really need you to respond to this or I won't do it (since it is time consuming)

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