Chapter IXX: Of Confusion
--
Kiss me out of the bearded barley
Nightly, beside the green, green grass
Swing, swing, swing the spinning step
You wear those shoes and I will wear that dress.
-"Kiss me" by Six Pence None the Richer
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Sunday
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Benjy yanked her arm, pulling her into an empty classroom, ironically enough, Lily noted that it was the exact same one in which he had dumped Rachel. "What the hall was that about Lily?"
"What are you talking about?" she asked, well aware of the fact that the whole ignorant act was rather pathetic and cowardly, but she was still trying to process everything that had happened. In reality, she didn't have an answer for him, she was just as confused as he was.
"Why the bloody hell was James Potter snogging you? I thought you said that there was nothing going on there Lily, you promised me!"
"I-I don't know," she stumbled, obviously baffled.
"How the hell can you not know?"
"Can you stop yelling at me?! My head's starting to hurt and an annoyed Lily isn't going to be a very helpful one," she snapped at him.
Benjy eyed her strangely, sighing as he took a seat on the desk opposite from where she was standing, "Lily, what's going on with you?"
"I don't know Benjy," she answered honestly. She had never considered James as an option and the idea of factoring him into everything was just… weird.
"Lily... help me understand, I want to be there for you."
She couldn't help, but be touched by how sincere he was when he said that. She didn't know what to say to him, especially given that her leading response to that question would be along the lines of "I would if I could, buddy."
"There's nothing going on between us Benjy, we're just friends."
He scoffed, "Friends don't kiss like that."
She rolled her eyes tiredly, "What do you want me to say Benjy?"
"That the gossip's not true, that nothing's ever happened between you and Potter."
I'd lie to that statement, I really would; even if I do love him I can be realistic about the fact that he did cheat on me and doesn't really deserve my total honesty. The problem, however, is in the fact that I suck at lying, he'd see right through it; sucks hat my only option is going for the silent approach, whatever he can make what he will of it.
He pushed off the desk and stood in front of her, grabbing hold of her hands, "Lily, talk to me, please. It isn't true, is it?"
She just stood there quietly, her eyes never leaving the floor. She didn't know what to say.
"Lily," he said, lifting her chin with his index finger so that she was looking him straight in the eye. "I know I've never said this before, but I love you. I can't imagine a girl could make me any happier than you do, that a girl could be any more perfect for me than you are. I don't want to lose you; I gave you my heart so please don't break it, it really likes you," he told her with a charming and sweet smile.
She raised her eyes to meet his and smiled back at him.
--
I don't wanna hurt you
I don't wanna make you sway
Like I know I've done before
I will not do it anymore
-"sway" by the Perishers
--
"Remus, where's James?" Lily asked him.
"Lily, where have you been-and did you really have to interrupt Veronica and me?" he asked, gesturing to the girl who he had been snogging until she had pulled him away from her.
"Oh, you can snog her any time, she's about as easy as they get-and I was with Benjy. Now where's James?
"He left early, didn't say why and given his mood then I wasn't about to ask; no matter how cowardly it may sound, I'm not really a fan of being hexed to tell you the truth, I bruise easily… But, if you need him, he's probably at the Heads' dorms, just be careful not to annoy him or something. Doubt it'd bode well for you love."
"Thanks, you can go back to your little friend now," she told him with a smirk before walking away.
--
It's four o'clock in the morning,
I can't take another second of this excuse for taste,
take a chance
stay the night
Oh why don't we take a taxi back to mine,
I'm sure that we'll find a way to pass the time,
take a chance
and stay the night
-"stay the night" by Ghosts
--
"There you are, I've been looking everywhere for you; thank God you told Remus you were leaving the party!" Lily ranted once she found James in the Heads' common room. It was only when she stopped her tirade that she noticed that he wasn't even paying any attention to her, instead, his full attention was on the fire. Waving a hand in front of his face, she asked: "Um James, what are you doing?"
"Thinking."
"Monosyllabic… admittedly not my favorite type of response, but okay, I'll bite. About what?"
"You-me."
"About that, James-"
"I'm trying to remember an instance where the bad guy got the girl."
"James-" Lily tried to get his attention in another futile attempt.
"I'm hoping that it'll help me understand; I've been sitting here for an hour trying to rationalize your choice, dissect it all, it was very categorical of me actually. I just wanted to understand it-as you can see I haven't gotten very far with it," he told her with a somewhat bitter laugh.
"James, please, just listen to me," she pleaded.
"You know what Lily? No-no I won't listen to what you have to say anymore. It's about time that you just grow up, you love hearing yourself talk so much that you never even bother to listen to what everyone around you is telling you."
"I shouldn't have to put up with all of this whiney bull shit all of the time," he yelled at her. "Just grow up and get your head out of your arse, hear someone else for a change."
" You're too good for that wanker, Evans… hell, you're probably too good for me as well, but at least I respect you. At least I can see that I don't deserve you and how lucky I'd be if you took a chance with me."
He paused as he let out an angry sigh, standing up so that he was in front of her, lifting her chin so that she'd look him in the eyes as he spoke to her. "Don't you get it? He won't cheat on you for now, but it's only a passing thing, the only he's interested in you again is because you're a challenge to him again. The second he starts to think that he's got you again, he'll lose all interest. He's just that type of a guy; hell he may even think that he really loves you, but none of that means that he won't cheat on you again!"
"James!"
"What?!" James roared at her, still angry from his rant.
"It's not what you think."
--
Yeah, you got to live for your own
You say you got all the sordid details
Check-out retail
Watch it sell
I got to see that lie
You say what you're going to say
You got to know it's a bitter poison
Sapping all of your soul away
-"juicy" by Better than Ezra
--
Lily smiled at him, but as she looked at him she couldn't help, but pause. She looked at him, causing him to feel a bit nervous under her sudden, solemn, scrutinizing gaze.
"Lils- Lils, what's wrong?" he asked her worriedly.
"Benjy, have you ever had an epiphany?" she asked him, coming off as bewildered as Benjy was by her question.
He looked at her incredulously, "What are you talking about Lily?"
"Like a defining moment," she elaborated.
He shook his head, obviously baffled, "I don't get it… what does that have to do with anything?"
"I think I just had one," she said, her voice totally mystified.
"Okay… and what does that have to do with anything?"
She let out a sigh, biting her lip slightly because of her nerves, before finally speaking, "What you said-it was beautiful, everything that I've ever wanted to hear from you and more. The thing is though, there you are, coming down to kiss me, the perfect ending to your perfect speech and yet… instead of feeling all lovey-dovey and the rest of that romance novel shit, I-I feel like I'm seeing you for the first time. Does that make any sense at all?" she asked, more to herself than him.
"Lily what the hell's going on?"
She ignored his question, instead opting to continue rambling on, praying that if she just kept on talking she'd come to some sort of a realization as to what the hell it was that she was feeling. "I feel like I finally see you… for the first time."
"Lily, we've been together for so long, kind of illogical for you to say that you never noticed me," he commented with a small smile, eyebrows furrowed in confusion.
She let out an exasperated sigh, "I'm noticing how overly gelled your hair is, that you probably spend an hour trying to make it look careless, reckless, just out of bed perfection.-Your clothes, they're chosen with so much care and finesse. And you do this all in attempt to look like you didn't put any time into it… it's all just so fake."
Benjy steeped back slightly, obviously offended by her statement.
"You try so hard, but it's not really you, is it? It's all just a façade, a farce… God Benjy, were your `feelings' for me as calculated and perfectly planned out as everything else in your life?" she asked him, exasperated as she desperately tried to keep her tears at bay.
"Lily, no; never-I'd never lie to you," he told her as he leaned his head in to kiss her.
She turned her head from him for the first time.
"I wanted it all so much Benjy… looking back at it now, I was rather pathetic. But none of that mattered to me; I just-I really hoped that you'd finally see that I loved you… that I was the one for you. I wanted… needed you to love me as much as I did you. I tried-did everything- anything that I could think of to make you see it, but-" she let out a frustrated sigh as she angrily ran a hand through her hair.
"The irony of it all is that now I don't even want you," she admitted. "I can finally see what an idiot I was for ever having needed you so much. I was so insecure-so bloody, embarrassingly weak that I actually thought that you were the best I could get. I was so blinded, so emotionally paralyzed that I didn't see that in reality… I'm the one that's too good for you. I deserve so much more than a cheating boyfriend, much less so one that'd shag one of my best mates."
Benjy, obviously surprised by that statement, didn't waste any time in trying to defend himself, "Lily about that- it was an accident-"
"Stop… just stop. For once, Benjy, don't lie to me; I deserve at least that much from you."
He slowly nodded in consent, albeit reluctantly.
"You know, I decided a few days ago that I'd confront you about it-all of it, the thing with Rachel, James and me, everything. When I did, I always figured that I'd really bitch at you for it, for hours on end, and then I'd make you got to hell and back so that I'd take you back, so that you'd finally deserve me," she admitted to him.
Pausing she took a deep breath as she gathered her thoughts however much she could as everything was rather muddled up at the moment. "I had it all planned out in my head, every detail, not a single thing was left unrehearsed. I was ready… But the funny thing is, now that I'm standing here in front of you, finally confronting you about it, just like I'd planned, and I realize that I can't go through with it like that. You're just not worth the effort."
His eyes widened, "Lily-"
"Don't Benjy, just stop."
"But Lily, I ended it, I changed, I promise. I love you, I need you. Make me worthy of you because that's all I want to be," he pleaded, trying to pull her into his arms, but she remained resilient and stoical.
"Don't, sometimes you just have to let it go-you said so yourself to Rachel when, same thing applies here. I mean, you and I both know that you can't change a person… I learned that one the hard way," she told him, forcing a weak smile.
"But I want to change for you Lils, I really do!"
"Come on, you and I both know that you won't. Don't be so adamant about this only to disappoint me again, have some semblance of respect for me for once," she begged him.
"I'm not lying, this time's different, I promise!"
"How many promises have you made to me that were lies?" she challenged him, cocking an eyebrow at him.
He shifted slightly in response to that question.
She laughed, albeit a bit bitterly, "Well at least you're not lying to me this time, instead you went for the cowardly route."
"Lily, all I want is to make things right between us… like they used to be."
"That's the whole point of all of this Benjy," she groaned, throwing her hands up in vexation. "It was fake, all of it, and I'm not putting up with that anymore!"
"It wasn't, I love you, how can you just forget that like this?" he asked her, taking a chance by taking a step towards her, trying to wrap his arms around her.
She pushed him back, "Stop it, just stop lying like this, to yourself and me… it hurts more than any of that shit that you put me through with Rachel," she told him angrily as she wiped away the tears that slowly made their way down her face.
"But what if I really do mean it Lily, what then?"
She shook her head at him sadly, disappointedly, "You're a liar; I may not be the most observant person, but even I can see that one."
"Lily, wait-where are you going?!"
--
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart
The very next day you gave it away
This year to save me the tears
I'll give it to someone special.
-"last Christmas" by jimmy eat world
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"I didn't take him back James," she told him with a small smile, shyly biting her lip. "And, I don't know, when I walked away… I felt like, you know, I finally had some power in the relationship. I feel like such a bitch for thinking it, but as twisted and wrong as it may sound, I-it felt good to break him the way he did me. It's not something I'm proud of, but it's the truth."
"So it was to get back at him then?" he asked her sadly.
"I told you I'm a bitch sometimes," she smiled weakly.
He nodded slightly, obviously forcing a smile onto his face purely for her sake, "Well I'm glad you were able to move on from him."
She cocked her head to the side, slightly confused, "And?"
"And what?" he asked her, absolutely bewildered.
"Anything else you'd like to say?"
"Like what?"
"I don't know, a cheer about my unbelievable strength, go on about how bloody amazing I am. You know, the usual."
"You're amazing Evans," he told her with a smile, even though it was said rather monotonously.
"Not particularly creative, but it'll have to do, especially given that I should probably start getting used to poor compliments like that."
He straightened at those words, shock obvious on his face, "What do you mean?"
"What I just said," she teased him.
He eyed her suspiciously, before he smirked, "So does that mean I win?"
She shook her head, "Nope."
He furrowed his eyebrows in confusion, "Then what does it mean?"
"It means that you better not cheat on me because I fully intend to learn some hexes so I can crucify your little pecker if you ever do," she smirked at him before grabbing him by the collar and pulling him down to kiss her.
When they finally pulled apart he laid his forehead to rest on hers, "I'll have you know that there's nothing little about James Jr.-but on the other had, domineering women can be kind of hot."
"Glad you think so; now less talk, more action. I'd hate to see that you can't live up to those rumors about you…"
Fin.
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