A/N. Thanks to those who answered the quick poll question. Most hovered over the middle of the spectrum.
Sorry - no Harry Hermione dinner in this one - will definitely be on the next. Harry got a bit carried away with his thoughts about his break up with Ginny and his POV about Hermione's struggles as a rookie Auror.
This chapter doesn't really move the story along but necessary to show how a relationship can deteriorate, so for those who really just want progress and don't like reading that sort of stuff, you might want to skip it.
And a warning to those who detest reading H-G, some of his thoughts about her might make you gag.
XXXXXXXXXX
Chapter 17 - Could, Should, Would
Harry got off the Floo Network and zoomed past Phil the Paper Elf at the Daily Prophet stand. Already running late, he had to maneuver his way through the chaos of the eternal construction in the Atrium causing a bottleneck of beings trying to get to and from the elevators, cursing the powers that be who could not make up their minds about what to do with the open space.
He finally got to a lift. The adrenaline rush was keeping him quite alert despite the fact that he didn't get much sleep last night and had a really bad hangover. It was unexpected. He didn't count on seeing Ginny at Finnigan's and it took a while to convince the woman he was with, whose name eluded him at the moment, that he wasn't in the mood to spend more time with her.
With the single mindedness of a Thestral heading for a set destination he found the Auror assembly room and immediately scanned the spot on the dais. Good. The Head Auror was not there yet, his weekly team meeting apparently delayed for another fifteen minutes. He nodded over to the middle aged bespectacled wizard with graying hair seated on the front row but the man either didn't see him do so or more likely just did not want to reply.
Deputy Auror Hosiah Humptail did not like him very much and firmly believed he got into the Auror Office only because of who he was. Humptail had been watching him like a hawk since he was recruited, waiting for him to make a mistake. This seemed truer since John assigned him squad leader when he got back from Hag training. He had already been cautioned by his possible future boss for being tardy at a briefing two days ago and was considering cutting down on the night outs or at least staying away from his bad influence of a partner. It was in desperation that he entrusted Warren with his education on single male life in London and now he was having serious regrets.
The rest of the Central Division Auror team was trickling in and finding seats. He spotted Dean's dreadlocks over in the back on the far side of the room and made for one of the empty chairs beside him. Sliding into the seat between his newly engaged Hogwarts classmate and Warren, he noted that his current partner of three months was as sleep deprived as he was and was taking a nap.
"Hey," he greeted Dean, "Luna get back okay?"
"Yeah, early this morning. Any word on Gaunt?"
"No, not yet. We'll get him next time," he replied.
Warren, obviously not asleep, let out a grunt. He was not one to forgive easily and expressed his ire the entire afternoon they spent filling out paperwork about the Wasabi Hut incident. He was miffed more so because they lost the services of an integral team member, one who would be difficult to replace. Warren's injured Canadian co-worker was in town a total of two days and was going home as soon as she was cleared from St. Mungo's. Hermione was right; they should have arrested Gaunt when they had the chance.
"Where's Hermione?"
Dean motioned over to the double doors where Hermione had just come through, levitating several self-warming coffee and tea cups behind her. She looked like she didn't get much sleep either and he had one good guess where she spent most of the night.
He sighed inwardly. This breaking up thing was hard and had he known that night it was going to be so he might not have called Ginny's bluff. Had she broached the subject on a different day and in a different way he would have probably let it slide but on hindsight it was only a matter of time before what happened happened. His inability to become more of an "emotional partner" was a festering gaping wound which seemed to have opened up right after he got back from his training with the Hag. The strain of six months without communication and his inability to tell her about it affected them in a way he never imagined it would. He had tried to address it several times but failed.
You're not trying hard enough.
He was, well, he did. It was just that he understood her and didn't at the same time. For instance, one burning beef she had was about how he couldn't or, as she often said, 'refused' to talk to her about what he did at work. It was true but it wasn't because he didn't want to talk; he really couldn't.
As soon as she asked about the job his reflexive answer was it was okay. They discussed mundane stuff; seeing an acquaintance, someone getting married, being invited over for dinner by a colleague but they couldn't really talk about the stuff he did. A typical argument began with something she read in or heard from someone at the Prophet.
You know I can't talk about that.
Why not?
It's an active case. There are rules.
I tell you what I do.
Gin, I'm sorry but telling you would not only endanger your life but that of my team too. Be reasonable.
Ginny would back off knowing he was right. Her frustration was more because there was nothing they could do about it. Many times she mentioned that she should have done what Hermione did and become an Auror too but he knew she didn't really mean that. She loved Quidditch and worked hard so she could get off the farm team. He was ecstatic she was getting her shot at playing professionally.
But whether it was spillover from the work thing or something entirely separate, Ginny had other axes to grind. She complained about not talking about important things. Truth be told he didn't know exactly what she wanted him to say or talk about. The one topic that was a constant pain was Voldemort. Ginny was a light sleeper and on occasion when he spent the night with her she would wake up in the early hours of the morning and find him restless, mumbling, sweating, as the horrors of the war replayed in his dreams.
She asked about the nightmares and he tried to answer but his responses never seemed enough, accusing him once that he was hiding stuff from her. Admittedly, he may have answered them briefly but maybe he should have been more honest about not desiring to rehash the past. Living them once and having vivid nightmares about them were certainly enough, and despite what the Healer shrinks recommended, he was not thrilled about talking about them over and over again.
There were others, little things.
It's too bad about Ron and Hermione.
Yes it is.
Is that all you can say about that?
What else were you expecting?
I don't know…whose fault do you think it is? Could they have done something differently to stay together? Do you think they should stay together?
Okay…I don't think either of them is at fault, if they could have done something differently, definitely argue less and no, I don't think they should stay together.
Ugh!
What?
Patience was never one of Ginny's stronger suits and the more annoyed she became the more pissed he got too. They didn't have the shouting arguments that Ron and Hermione had but worse. They had these bouts of long silences between them, as if speaking to the other first was an admission of being wrong. He thought it was juvenile and he by his count caved in more times than she did, making him think himself the better person, only to realize that the fact that he was counting meant he really wasn't.
They were doing fine and then they weren't. The past months were different from the way things were before and he was at a loss how that happened. What did he miss? They loved each other, didn't they? Wasn't that supposed to be enough to make everything right?
At the height of it all when he finally got to a point thinking there was nothing more he could do to please her, he employed his typical conflict resolution method. He began ignoring it after they made up. He thought...hoped it was just a phase and it would go away.
He was so wrong about that. One night, after Humptail had given him grief all day and his self worth and confidence about his role at the Ministry was at an all time low, he went to her for comfort, reassurance and more comfort. It started out okay until they had to talk about why he felt so down and beat up.
What's wrong?
Just work.
Bad day?
Uh-huh.
What happened?
Don't worry about it. I'll be fine.
No, really, I want to hear about it.
I can't tell you. You know that.
If I were Hermione you would.
What?!
If Hermione asked you wouldn't hesitate to tell her what this is about.
What does she have to do with this?
Is it too much to ask you to talk to me like you talk to her?
Have you gone mad?! I don't talk to her any differently! And I don't understand why you're picking on her when I haven't even talked to her in six months!
Then she just gave it to him, how she felt that she was just some fan girl thing of his, that he made her feel that she was good enough for that but not for this, how she couldn't anymore unless he made her feel more like an emotional partner rather than a physical one. Hearing that he just lost it. He had enough and the accusation that it was all physical for him stung like hell. Too angry he was afraid to say anything he would regret so he left.
The days after were surreal. He buried himself under a ton of work as he waited for her to realize how wrong she was. But the apology never came. All this time did she really feel like a fan girl? Harry couldn't begin to imagine how she could ever think that. And that bit about Hermione; they'd been together for so many years and not once did that ever come up.
Harry could not keep track of the many times he was tempted to call Ginny or hoped she would call him but she broke up with him for a reason. She wanted him to change and, even if he knew what exactly to change and how, he wasn't sure he could. And if he could he debated whether or not he should. He kept on telling himself if he loved her as he knew he did he should but that was quickly followed by thinking that if she really cared about him she shouldn't expect him to. If she loved him she would stop this nonsense, call him and take him back. Or maybe that was Warren telling him to snap out of it already.
So, at the one month anniversary of his break up with the first love of his life when hope of reconciling with her had just about faded away, Warren tried to help in his unorthodox way. His partner got him a date and convinced him to, for one night, just give himself a break and have a good time.
Warren would never admit it but based on what that woman did to him she had to be a hired professional, maybe even part-Veela. The date went um…well but he felt horrible in the morning. It was shameful that he did it and it was unimaginable to face Ginny. She deserved someone better.
It was silly but after that he was afraid that she would call and they'd get back together. Then, a few days later, he had a most interesting talk with Luna that made him feel less distressed about the whole break up. This was three weeks ago.
My Mum used to say things happen for a reason.
Yes, I'm a git. There's one big hell of a reason.
Don't be too hard on yourself, Harry. You're a good man. If you weren't, we wouldn't be friends.
You're not mad at me because I'm dating other women?
Why would I be? I tell Ginny to go out with other men so she can find out whether or not what she longs for is out there.
But what if she finds someone else.
Then you should be happy for her. It will be what's meant to be.
I miss her Luna. I want her back but I don't know if I can be what she wants me to be.
You shouldn't worry about that. What isn't will never last and if you truly love someone, what is is enough. This happened for a reason and it's good that it did sooner rather than later. You should think of it as a blessing.
Luna wasn't the only one who thought it was a blessing. Warren did not mince words about the fact that there were other women out there besides Ginny and maybe he'd find someone better.
But Harry at that time wasn't looking to replace. He had been content and happy with what he had. He had this vision that it would last forever. It was Ginny who was dissatisfied.
After talking with Luna he came to accept that they shouldn't get back together until Ginny could take him as he was. He figured it likely that she would never get to that point and had made peace with it. The Ravenclaw was right. Changing just to please Ginny would be the wrong thing to do.
It will be what's meant to be.
Maybe so but Harry still couldn't imagine how this was going to be a blessing.
"Mats, steeped tea, no milk just honey..."
He looked up as Hermione's voice interrupted his revelry, finding her just a few rows over.
"Thanks honey," the almost retired Auror said to her sweetly as he took the cup from her, Mats Quank being the only person to his knowledge who had explicit permission to call her that.
"You're welcome honey. Geoff, bold coffee with two creams, no sugar," she addressed another wizard, firmly emphasizing the no sugar part, handing him his cup.
"Okay," Geoff Lintcoming replied, resigned to Hermione's intervention as it was well known he had been ill and Healers had told him to cut back. "Great to have you back."
Hermione went through a couple more aisles handing out hot beverages. It was her thing, a morning routine she had fallen into years ago when she was a rookie. Everybody moaned and groaned when they noticed that part of their day was missing after she left for Hag training eight months ago, and now that she was back, they were all a bit more appreciative, not that they weren't before.
Harry watched her as she spoke with the other Aurors. It was as if she hadn't been gone, fitting back seamlessly into the flow of things.
After Voldemort's death, she spent a couple of years at the old DRCMC, the first working full time the same time she did Hogwarts course work to graduate and to take the NEWTs. In the time she was there she had helped create and institute many pro magical being laws and left right as the DRCMC was being renamed the Department for the Protection of Magical Creatures or the DPMC.
It wasn't a shock to him that she left the DPMC. The work she wanted to do there was done. What surprised him was that she applied to become an Auror. It was a bit strange for he could not imagine her spending her day looking for and apprehending Dark Wizards herself. He imagined her behind the scenes, effecting change peacefully through policies and laws as she did in the DPMC and not through policing and keeping order.
Harry never told her but he was tempted to discourage her from joining the Auror office. As much as he wanted to work with her he believed she was wasting her brilliance. Being an Auror required a fraction of her intelligence and if not for the fact that Ron was really excited about it he would have mentioned it to her. In his opinion it made more sense for her to accept Kingsley's standing offer to join his team of advisers, something she declined citing her inexperience. But she seemed sure this was what she wanted to do so he let it go.
As he expected, Hermione had a tough time adjusting to being an Auror when she first came on three years ago. Her difficulties had nothing to do with wand work or fitting into the team. The Aurors had a lot of respect for her because of what she did to help get rid of Voldemort and most immediately accepted her because of him and Ron.
Part of her struggle stemmed from the fact that she wasn't physically fit enough. Being an Auror was demanding on the body and she had to work hard to get her strength and endurance up. Dean helped her a lot with this and she had always said that if not for her partner, she would have quit two months into her rookie year. But that wasn't her biggest problem.
What bogged her down the most were the processes and procedures, or more specifically, the lack of congruence between written rules and actual practice, and how all that connected to the rest of the Ministry, particularly the Legal department. The Auror MOO had not been revised and probably not been read since 1975. Faced with a novel situation, while most rookies patiently awaited instruction and guidance from their seniors, Hermione applied the MOO only to find out later that based on recent practice she shouldn't have done what she did.
The lack of clear cut rules and protocols frustrated her very much, and was on the verge of quitting when Dean challenged her to update the MOO. Not having a current one to defend their practice in court had been a source of frustration for others too. So Hermione took on the huge undertaking during her spare time, consulting with active and retired Aurors, putting together the new document for approval. It was then when she got to know the rest of the team better and when she started this thing with coffee and tea during their weekly meetings. The revised code passed peer, supervisor and management approval without a hitch last year so when her MOO came up in her discourse with Warren yesterday he already knew they were in deep shit.
Hermione settled in after that. Harry never got around to asking her why she wanted to become an Auror. He speculated that Ron was a big factor in her decision and now that they were no longer a couple he imagined she would not be staying for long. He brushed that thought off feeling it too ridiculous. Hermione would never base her decision to become an Auror or to stay an Auror on something like that.
"Good morning," he greeted cautiously as Hermione approached.
"Black," she greeted him back coldly and handed him a steaming double cupped coffee.
It almost tipped into him. Well, he had wondered how she would feel about his break-up with Ginny and the incident last night. He didn't have to wonder anymore.
"Thanks. After work then?"
She muttered some affirmative reply, handed Dean a cup and sat down beside her partner with tea in her hand. Yesterday they had talked about spending some time to catch up. Harry hoped she'd be in a better frame of mind later.
He missed her and he also missed Ron who left London weeks before she did. Even though he saw Ron often enough he missed how it was before Hermione and Ron split up. He longed for their company when Ginny dumped him which at that time made him feel like a dolt. He was a grown man; surely he could handle a break up on his own. It did kind of make him wonder if this was what Ginny was complaining about.
"So, where's mine, sweetheart?" Warren shifted in his seat, interrupting as Hermione was about to take a sip of her tea, his tone haughty, condescending and self entitled.
Harry saw her freeze, her eyes squint ever so slightly and there was no mistaking the tightening around her jaw. Not again. Hermione turned to Warren looking past Dean and him. Warren met her gaze with smug indifference.
"I didn't know you wanted one," she answered calmly.
"You never asked."
"You were sleeping. I didn't want to disturb you."
"How sweet, but I still want one. Get me something. Please," Warren ordered.
"You can have mine," Harry offered his partner his, not wanting trouble.
"Don't be silly Harry. I got this," Hermione dismissed then addressed Warren, "What would you like?"
"Um...I don't know. I wouldn't mind tea, maybe Earl Grey with a touch of lemon."
That was exactly what Hermione had in her hand. In the time he had known the man not once did Harry see him have tea. The fool was showing off, purposely trying to tick her off, or both, and Harry could only hope that there was some other way Warren found out how she preferred her tea other than invading her mind without her knowing just now, something he knew Warren would do without second thought.
"What a coincidence," Hermione replied feigning surprise, hiding her irritation at the possibility, "That's what I'm having."
"It isn't a coincidence, honey," Warren countered, flashing her a half-smile, "It's fate, me wanting the same tea that you want."
"I doubt that very much," Hermione said coolly, "Fate wouldn't be so stupid, or cheesy. Creep."
"Ouch!" Warren took both hands over his chest, acting hurt.
Hermione expressed his very same sentiment. Warren was a creep when it came to women. Harry wasn't sure if he was seriously hitting on her but if he was it was certainly in the wrong place, the wrong time and in poor taste.
"Stop being a prat, Warren," he shot him a warning which the other wizard chose to ignore.
"Come to think of it you're right. So it's not fate and it's not a coincidence," Warren pulled back then confirmed Harry's earlier fears, "It must be because you didn't learn as much as you should have from the Hag. I really didn't want to mention it but you're so porous and open like everyone else here, I could see every living memory you have in full color if I choose to."
"Go fuck with someone else Gates. I am so not in the mood," Hermione was more visibly annoyed and glanced over to him to see if it was true.
Harry shook his head but that didn't mean anything. Only a handful of wizards and witches could do Legilimency without raising the target's suspicion. He had learned to do it with the Hag, as did Warren and he assumed Hermione. Warren was better at it than he was and because intrinsically he found the concept of getting into someone else's thoughts without their knowledge wrong, not to mention cowardly. Warren had no such inhibitions.
"Speaking of fucking, I wouldn't call your ex if I were you. There are less idiotic ways to cure loneliness. Hell, if you promise to wear one of those black lacy sheer knickers you keep in your top drawer for special occasions I'll even help you myself."
It was payback for yesterday. Hermione face reddened. Dean attempted to get up from his chair and would have done more had his partner not held him down, convincing him it wasn't worth the trouble. He sat backed slowly drawing on his coffee, giving Warren a murderous look. Harry would have no more of Warren's bullshit.
"I said back off!" he admonished firmly.
Warren did but not without a parting shot, "And the chauvinist pig just scored."
Meanwhile the Head Auror stepped into the room. Hermione had recovered, righted herself, eyes fixed at the podium, and was trying to enjoy the rest of her tea. She was taking this too lightly, taking the high road and it annoyed Warren that she wasn't upset.
"I guess you don't mind," he hissed over John's introduction, trying to provoke her again.
"Oh, I don't mind," she lied, "Fantasize about my knickers all you want, Gates. If you find that it helps with your flag raising issues, be my guest."
Warren blushed, Dean almost choked and sprayed coffee at the person seated two rows in front of him, Harry's was speechless he had to confirm that it was indeed Hermione who said that.
"My flag raises up the pole just fine, honey," Warren instantly denied.
"Well, not according to that girl you were with the last night. She wasn't too impressed with O Canada."
"How did you...?"
"You shouldn't date co workers. Office gossip can be a bitch. By the way, I hope it's hot enough."
"What?"
"Your tea."
His partner suddenly bellowed and stood up as a cup of steaming beverage appeared on his lap and poured itself empty. All four of them were off their seats, the attention of the entire room upon them.
Not long after, wands were out and a burst of curses erupted before him. Harry rapidly drew his weapon, disarming them both before they could cause real injury or damage.
"Keep your fucking mind to yourself," she threatened Warren as she summoned and holstered her wand.
"Granger! Gates! In my office! Now!" John Dawlish screamed from the podium, most pissed, giving Harry the look that he should follow.
The door slammed behind him.
"I told you two to can it yesterday!"
"We did."
"We have."
Hermione had her arms across her chest just as Warren did, both feigning puzzlement about why they were called in.
"Then what the hell just happened in there?!"
"He wanted tea," she explained simply.
"I did," he confirmed.
"I got him some."
"The cup slipped from my hand and I burned myself," he added.
"It was an accident," they said in unison.
Warren and Hermione tried to sell convincingly. They were not done and would settle this, whatever it was, outside Ministry time.
Harry was still in shock about this Hermione that he was seeing. There was a time when just the thought of her being reprimanded by her superior would have worried her. She wasn't concerned about that. And not only was she a part of this, she seemed disinclined to settle it peacefully which was quite unlike her. It was as if the person before him was an imposter and a very bad one at that.
"Harry?" John turned to him for his input as the two looked on innocently.
"It was an accident, John. Just as they described it."
He had a feeling he was going to regret this.
John eyed them suspiciously but gave in, "Not one more peep from the two of you, understood."
"Yes sir."
"Not one."
The two left. John asked him to stay behind and said to him, "Harry, fix this by tomorrow. You don't want this compromising the team."
"I'll take care of it."
Harry sat quietly during the meeting fully appreciating the 'joys' of middle management. He looked at Warren on his one side and Hermione on the other, a sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach. This was too familiar and he didn't like where it was going.
XXXXXXXXX
-->