A/N: Bonjour! I'm so glad to hear all of your lovely remarks to my latest chapters. Sorry about the late update, but it turns out that time wasn't on my side today. My beta didn't even get a chance to look over this chapter before I posted it, so I take full responsibility for any mistakes you see. For those who have been checking up on my Tumblr, you are more up-to-date with the standing for the newest story. But, for those who haven't, here they are: Not Another Vampire Story!, Hermione's Guide for Newfound Sorcery, Sex Ed With Poppy Pomfrey, Kiss and Make it Better, ???, Cut. Remember, you can vote more than once and get your story up in the ranks!
Disclaimer: Harry Potter isn't mine. Duh.
Enjoy!
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To Be Desired
The first time it came out as a whisper.
"Harry."
He remained still and silent, shifting nervously from one foot to the other.
"Harry."
This time it was more firm; my emotions finally showing through the foggy void I put myself into. I knew that repeating it one more time wouldn't make him go away, so I let my emotions out in the only other way I knew how: Through physical violence.
Smack.
His head jerked to the side and he let out a small sound of surprise. I continued to stare hard at him, sickly wanting to see him in pain. He didn't take long to turn back to me, his face an emotional wreck. I felt no remorse.
"A month. You knew that I was Anonymous for one month, and you didn't tell me."
"I told you, Hermione, I had to gain your trust before-"
"Before what?" I interrupted. "Before you took advantage of my trust and continued to write me while I poured my heart out to you about some guy that I was hopelessly in love with?"
"It wasn't like that."
"Oh, then please enlighten me."
He gave me a hard look, which quickly softened. "You and I both know that we pretty much hated each other for the first six years we went here." I tried to interrupt again, but he pressed on and overrode my comment. "So when we begun our truce, I was more than willing to give it a go. I would be lying if I said that I didn't have my suspicions about who you were. But when I saw you wearing the necklace that I gave you, I panicked. At first I thought it was because of you-of how surprised I was that the one person I was growing to care about most in the world was also the one person that I had sworn to hate. But after thinking about it, I realized that it wasn't. It was what you would think about me if I told you who I really was. I had so many opportunities to do so, but I didn't because I thought you would have a reaction like this."
"Looks like you weren't far off." I said hotly.
He gave me a look and continued. "So I wanted to win you over and gain your trust. But more importantly, I wanted to prove to myself that I was capable of being more than just your friend."
"That's why you kissed me that night you came back?"
"Well, no, not at first. It was just a reaction to you being so close. It wasn't until we were going at it that I realized what the situation was, then you pulled away with that look and I knew you were feeling guilty."
"Because I thought I was being unfair to Joe…"
He nodded. "I knew it wouldn't be as easy as I thought to win you over with Joe on your mind. So, though Joe, I told you to give me a chance and let me in."
My eyes narrowed. "So you're telling me that you manipulated me though Joe to make me give you a chance, even though I was hopelessly in love with you through the letters you were sending me, you slept with me, knowing that I was heartbroken with Joe's seeming rejection, and you ignored every possible chance to fess up simply because you thought I would overreact, even though prolonging it really made it worse."
"Well when you put it like that…"
"It's horrible, Harry! Gods, I can't believe I let myself trust you. I should have seen this coming; the signs were certainly all there. I was just too blind to take them as anything but silly little inconveniences. It was stupid to think I would have my happily ever after. You haven't changed a bit-you're still that eleven-year-old boy who crushed any hopes I had of being normal. But this time, it's worse because instead of just crushing my hope, you crushed my heart along with it."
"Hermione, don't say that."
"And why not? You've certainly ruined any chances you had of gaining my trust."
"But that doesn't change the fact that you still love me and I still love you."
I remained silent.
He gave me a pointed look. "If you gave me a chance to win back your trust, to prove to you that my intentions were always to our benefit, would you reconsider?"
I thought about it for a moment. His eyes seemed sincere, but they also had when they were feeding me lies about himself and his letter counterpart. For all I knew, he could be planning to cause me even more hurt-a feat that I didn't deem as impossible, seeing the way this night was turning out. I would be taking a great risk in letting him in again. But he was right, I did still love him.
"I don't know, Harry. I need time to think about this."
He nodded in understanding. "Of course."
There was a pause and I heard a distant ring. The two of us turned to the clock behind us and saw that it was five minutes to midnight. I knew the charm would wear off when the ball ended, but now it didn't seem important. I reached to the mask on my face and pulled it off. I felt the scene around me change and could see more clearly, as if the mask had acted as some form of foggy lenses.
Harry was still near me, looking around the entrance hall uncomfortably. I wrinkled my nose and began to walk up the stairs. I heard Harry shift behind me and turned around slowly. He was a few steps behind me, on the first step.
"Space, Harry. I need space, too."
He sighed. "As you wish."
I smiled sadly and continued my way up the stairs. The trip was a silent one without him beside me. Maybe I shouldn't have asked for space. No. It was for the best. The only way I would make an educated decision is without his interference. End of story. I asked for space for a reason, it didn't matter how lonely I would become without his presence near me. I had lived the majority of my childhood alone, so why was this any different.
Because now you know what it feels like to have a friend. And then some.
I rolled my eyes as I neared Marie's portrait. Although true, it didn't mean that I couldn't handle myself alone. All I had to do was get into my old habits.
Marie was still awake by the time I reached her. She was looking at me oddly.
"What?" I asked, my tone more harsh than I had meant.
"Nothing, I just didn't think that you would be returning alone this evening."
"If you're talking about Harry-"
"Well of course I'm talking about Harry!" She interrupted, surprising me.
"We're going through a rough patch at the moment is all." I explained calmly.
She raised an eyebrow and I spoke the password, hoping to avoid any more sass from her. She let me inside and I practically stormed into the common room. It was empty, not that I expected anything less. But I knew this was only the beginning. It was only a matter of time before it hit me. And as if on cue, I felt my heart begin to race and placed my hand atop it, trying meekly to settle it before I began a full-out meltdown. But one thing I didn't expect was to feel cool metal against the palm of my hand. The necklace. I had once again forgotten about the necklace I hadn't removed since receiving the present four months earlier.
Knowing what I had to do, I reached both hands to the back of my neck and unclasped the necklace. I held it in my palm and studied it for a moment, admiring how truly beautiful it was. When I first received it, I couldn't believe that something like it existed. The sparkle of the crystal was still enough to render me breathless and I had a harder time setting it down than I had originally thought. It had become a part of me, and letting it go was like letting Joe go. But that is what I had to do if I wanted to think about Harry's offer. I had to give up the present as a sign to myself and him that I could give up that part of my life if I chose to do so. So, before I could decide against it, I placed the necklace on the table nearest to me and continued to my room.
I felt a small part of me stay behind with the necklace, as silly as it may sound. I pressed forward. My room was exactly the way I left it, the dirty sheets still piled in the corner. I looked at them with an odd sense of attachment. Washing them would wash away the bond me and Harry had shared last night. But wasn't that what I was trying to do? I had to rid myself of anything that would sway my decision. I picked up the sheets and found my wand on my bedside table. Inhaling Harry's scent once, I cast a cleaning charm and walked them back into his room.
Gods, even his room was making me feel horrid. I was supposed to hate him and here I was acting like some love struck moron. I threw them atop his bed and rushed out of there as quickly as I could. Soon after I closed my door, I felt the tears well up. I didn't try to stop them. Ridding myself of the sadness and hurt would only benefit me in the end. Little did I know that I had a lot of emotions to empty.
I collapsed against the door and sobbed. I sobbed for the past, I sobbed for the present, I sobbed for how much I had on my shoulders to decide the future, but most of all, I sobbed for Harry and how much love and hate I had for him. I hated him for making me love him, and I loved him for everything else; his smile, his laugh, his presence. It was maddening. He did everything wrong and yet I couldn't not love him.
After what seemed like a lifetime, I mustered up enough strength to get up and undress myself. I put the dress away, undid my hair and make-up, and found some pajamas to sleep in. After a night like this, I had to at least attempt to get some shut eye, even though I hadn't stopped crying.
Merlin, help me.
~*~
The weekend came and went, and I never left my room. Ever. When I was hungry, I simply went down to the great hall, nibbled on something for five minutes, and returned to my room. Now, don't go thinking I spent the whole time moping. I had gotten over that phase within a day. All my time was focused on writing. Yes, writing. I had about three parchment papers filled front to back with reasons why and why not to agree with Harry's offer. I won't bore you with specifics, but right now it was fifty-fifty. I have been trying for hours to think of anything else to add, but it was simply impossible. Whatever my decision was, it would have to be on a limb. I had to leave it up to chance..
Monday came too soon and I had to return to reality. It was the first day back at school after break and I was a nervous wreck. Sure, I was already well ahead in all of my classes, but now that I was suffering from emotional turmoil, I wouldn't be on the top of my game. And that, more than anything, would be enough to turn me into some sort of crazy person.
I got ready at my normal pace and grabbed my book bag where I had left it in the common room, on top of the sofa. As I exited, I had the urge to look behind me at one of the tables. It was empty. It was only after a moment that I realized it was the place that I had set my necklace. Harry must have found and taken it back up to his room or something. I felt a small stab of guilt, but quickly disregarded it. I had to be unbiased. I had to work on my best interests and not his.
I exited the portrait hole in a rush, wanting to get out of the common room quickly. Marie remained silent as I left. She hadn't spoken a word to me the whole time I had been in exile for reasons I didn't know. I had been meaning to ask her, but unfortunately I had other things to worry about other than why the entrance to my common room was acting odd.
The great hall was abuzz with conversation when I arrived. Through not entirely full, the excitement and horror of the first day back was very much present in the way the blur of voices echoing off the walls. I took my seat and grabbed a slice of toast. Taking a jar of nearby marmalade, I spread it along the bread and took small bites as I had become accustomed to these past few days. I hadn't even finished half of my "meal" when I sensed someone looking at me. Knowing who it was even before I turned, I still felt a small pulse of emotion wash over me when I caught Harry's eyes from halfway across the table. He looked very tired, the bags under his eyes visible from my position at the other end of the table. He gave me a small wave and I lowered my head, not wanting him to see me at a time like this, even if he was the cause. The feeling of his gaze on me lingered for a few more seconds before quickly disappearing. I sighed and dropped my toast, not feeling up to eating anymore.
As the timetables were passed out, I saw that I had to begin the day with Defense Against the Dark Arts. Sighing, I left the great hall and made my way to the classroom, ignoring the sensation of eyes on my back as best as I could.
Professor Tonks was already there when I arrived. I set my things at my assigned desk and took out my supplies. She set down her copy of The Daily Prophet when she heard my presence in the room. Her curly blonde hair was pulled back into a ponytail today, accentuating her high cheekbones. Underneath her robes, I spotted a periwinkle blue shirt that reminded me vaguely of Gilderoy Lockhart when he was still my hero.
"You're here awfully early today, Hermione." She commented.
I smiled softly. "I just want to get a head start on today's lesson is all. What is it that we're going to be doing today?"
"I was planning on reviewing dueling. You know, have an easy first day back."
I nodded. "Alright, then."
I sat down in my seat and began reading a passage on dueling techniques. I heard the heels of my Professor's shoes approach me and rose my head up to see her looking at me with an unreadable expression. "Dueling isn't something you can perfect with reading."
"I know I was just…"
"Distracting yourself?"
I stared at her.
"Hermione, affairs of the heart cannot be ignored by stuffing your face in a book, I'm afraid. My advice to you is to let your emotions come out in a healthier way. Don't try to ignore something that is right in front of your nose."
"I don't know what you mean."
She raised her brow. "Keeping things inside is the easiest way to a heavy heart. Simply follow your heart, and your choice will seem easier than first assumed."
I avoided her eyes. "Following your heart can sometimes lead to horrid consequences."
"But more times than not, they're worth the trouble."
And with that, she departed back to her desk. I knew a sign when I saw one. Apparently, I had been going about this the wrong way. Instead of approaching it with strategy and planning, all I had to do was wait for something to happen that would sway me to the right answer. Foolish as it may seem, I think it could work. The tied pros and cons weren't any help. What did I have to lose?
Don't answer that.
The rest of the class filed in within ten minutes, and I was waiting patiently at my desk. I felt Harry sit beside me, his jumper bushing against my arm and causing goose bumps to erupt along the clothed skin.
Well that was quicker than I thought. I was sure it would take longer for a sign to show up and sway my decision. You would think something as small as goose bumps were insignificant, but not to me. A week ago I would have dismissed it as an unneeded feeling that your body produced to make you aware of someone's affect on you. Even though that may be true, there was one thing that remained the same. Instead of feeling a fire of hatred and malice stir up in my stomach, I felt a tingly feeling sweep through me first, which proved that my love for him overshadowed even powerful feelings such as anger.
And all this took place in the spawn of three seconds. Who would have thought?
The bell rang soon after and brought me back to life, so to speak. Professor Tonks was at the front of the class and clapping her hands to gather the attention of the students. The chatter soon died down and she flashed us a smile.
"Now today we will be reviewing dueling. I know that you may have covered it before, but have not had the chance to practice it inside the classroom." -A knowing chuckle sounded from many of the students, including myself- "Your partners have already been assigned as the person sitting next to you. So if you would please join me in the front of the classroom so I can push all the tables to the side."
I followed the rest of the class to the front of the room and felt Harry trail me from behind. When the last few students made their way to join the crowd, Tonks joined her hands in a prayer-like gesture and separated them slowly, causing the desks to fly to the walls. There was little mess and a very open space in the middle of the room enough for many pairs to duel at once.
"The rules are simple: Keep it clean and only use spells to disarm your opponent. If I catch anyone abusing these rules, you will receive a zero for the day. Now, have at it!"
I found a spot towards one of the corners and turned to see Harry looking at me with a numb expression. I raised my wand to my forehead and bowed, him following suit. After a few days without talking, this was going to prove to be an interesting encounter, I was sure of it.
"Expelliarmus!" I called.
He blocked it easily with a simple deflecting charm. And so the duel began.
It was calm and simple at first, with normal disarming charms and a few stinging hexes. We had been at it for a good ten minutes before we both began to pick up our game.
"I just thought you should know, before we get stopped for the worst duel ever." I said, looking at him pointedly. "That I made up my mind."
He perked up at that. "And what would it be?"
I smiled and took a dramatic pause, liking the eager look on his face a little too much. "You had better do something pretty spectacular to prove your point."
He smiled and threw a jelly-legs curse at me.
We didn't want to hurt each other. But the point of a duel was to prove too your opponent that you were superior, that you would always come out on top. I could tell by the look on his face that he was taking this opportunity to prove his point. He had always been a spectacular dueler, which I knew for a fact, but I wasn't half bad myself, reading on the techniques and practicing some rarely known jinxes and curses for just an occasion. It was brain versus brawn, take one.
Little did we know that halfway through the hour, we had drawn a few onlookers. We were so engulfed with each other's movements and spells, that everything else seemed irrelevant. We both got lucky at different times, each having weak points. He caught me with a jelly-fingers jinx, causing me to drop my wand and then shoot a stinging hex on my left wrist. I had muttered the counter jinx and waited until he stumbled slightly on his right ankle before reversing his knees in a rare hex that I had read about in a book describing historical duels of the early Wizarding age.
His fall had caused a few more people to gather around us. I then cast an Expelliarmus at his wand and flew it out of his hand. Smirking, I folded my arms and waited for him to surrender. But to mine and many others's surprise, he reversed the hex and silently summoned his wand.
I quickly shielded myself before he shouted "Impedimenta!"
The curse bounced off and hit a nearby portrait, which wobbled slightly from the impact of the curse but otherwise remained intact. Our cat and mouse game continued for a few more minutes before he found my weak spot. While I was gathering will to shoot a more powerful jinx, he interrupted me by shouting "Stupefy!"
I flew back a few inches and my back collided with the ground. I let out a noise of pain and tried to remain still. Small shots of pain moved throughout my lower back and head from the impact and I groaned. I heard Harry come up next to me.
"Hermione! Oh Merlin, I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to-"
"Stupefy!"
He flew a good five feet away from me and I heard a collective gasp around me. I ignored the pain in my back and got up. He was lying on his back near Professor Tonks's feet. She was smiling slightly and I had to control one of my own as I approached him, bending down on my knees and taking his wand out of his right hand.
"You're going to have to try harder than that to win me over, Harry."
And with that I placed his wand behind my ear and turned to walk away. I heard the sound of clapping around me and turned to see Tonks bringing her hands together slowly. I smiled at her and moved my way through the crowd of students. I placed Harry's wand atop one of the desks and left the classroom with my book bag on my shoulder.
The applause of many more hands followed me my whole way out.
~*~
The rest of the day was uneventful compared to my victory first period. Harry had taken to ignoring me for every other class, choosing to cling to Weasley. It didn't bother me at first, but when I reached lunch and didn't catch his eye once, I began to get worried. I had given him a chance to redeem himself and he was deliberately shaking it off like it was nothing. I thought I meant more to him than that. You would think that he would have tried everything in the book by now to win me back, but he was simply pissing off. Even if they wouldn't have worked, it was the thought that counted, the sense that he was still there and fighting. Maybe following my heart was the wrong decision.
And to top it all off, I had to end my day with Potions. Isn't life just swell?
The scent of an unfamiliar concoction filled the dungeons when I arrived five minutes before the start of class. Usually when I entered the classroom, I knew what was brewing, having read every book in the library about potions and how to recognize them. The smell was a mixture of lemon, grass, and mint, or at least, from what I could tell. In fact, when I thought about it, it smelt very much like laundry detergent in here. Odd.
I took my seat and flipped through my book, looking for any potion that gave off the same scent of the one that was on display. I was still buried deep within the text when the bell rang. I sighed and put the book down, admitting defeat. Professor Snape strutted to the front of the classroom and gave the class a sneer, as was custom.
"Turn to page 193 in your books."
I flipped to the page and rolled my eyes. How could I have missed it?
"Desire. Want. These are the emotions that plague the mind and ensnare out very thought at the peak of our emotional age. There are very little potions in the world that tend to these and for good reason. It is dangerous to toy with such emotions without dire consequences. Some potions like it include Amortentia, which you have learned about previously. But unlike the love potion, this sister concoction does not attend to infatuation, only pure want. Yes, Anhelo is the one potion in the world that gives you the extra push to take the measures needed to obtain the one thing in the world that you desire."
A hand went up in the back and Snape motioned with his hand. "Yes, Mister Zabini?"
"So if we really wanted a sandwich, the potion would lead us to get it?"
A chorus of laughter sounded from a few members of Slytherin house. I could also hear the Gryffindor's roll their eyes in perfect unison.
"Interesting analogy, Mister Zabini, but yes, that is one of the uses of the potion. Its power, however, is only limited to a confined amount of time. You see, the more time you spend on the potion, the more time you have to act out your desires-yes, Miss Parkinson?"
"What if we had more than one desire at a time?"
"The potion only affects the strongest. You see, all desires are categorized differently in the mind, and Anhelo recognizes the foremost and allows the body to act. Your assignment today is to make the Anhelo in ten minutes. Ten minutes of effort will transpire into ten seconds of Anhelo effects. I will randomly choose one student at the end of the class to demonstrate the potion. Begin."
The class scrambled to the supplies cabinet and got to work. The ingredients were simple and direction only complicated to those who chose not to put any effort into the class. So, in other words, all of the Slytherin's, save a few, had black smoke coming from their cauldrons within five minutes. Since I had to share a table with Neville Longbottom and Parvarti Patil, I had to give them each verbal help as I worked on my own. I would never let another Gryffindor fall. I turned my head to see Harry concentrating hard on his potion as well, ignoring Weasley and Dean Thomas's conversation on Quidditch.
Time was up before I knew it and my potion only just turned the correct shade of violet before we were asked to bottle our potions and label them with our names. I placed mine on his desk quickly and returned to my seat with an unsettling feeling in my stomach. When everyone else had turned in their samples, I saw many blacks and browns and only five correct shades that matched mine. How disappointing. I was really looking forward to seeing someone act out what they actually desired. I hadn't read up on the side effects of a bad potion yet, and only hope that it wasn't too horrible. Hopefully it was only the opposite and made them act out the thing they didn't want. Well, that wasn't a very good outcome, but at least it wasn't the worst of what could happen.
Snape's hand began to hover over the pile of vials and the entire class shifted; each not wanting to be the unfortunate soul to try their own potion. This was one of the reasons I didn't favor Snape as a professor. He deliberately manipulated and humiliated his students to amuse himself, probably the most unprofessional thing one could do. But I wasn't worried. If I was chosen, I would accept it with confidence and not give him the satisfaction of making me squirm. Besides, I was really in the mood for chocolate and the potion would probably just make me sniff it out of one of the girl's bags.
His hand finally ceased in movement and grabbed one of the violet potions. Despite my confidence, I shifted a bit as I saw him read the name on the tag. He smirked at once and turned to my left.
"Mister Potter."
I saw Harry stiffen and mumble something along the lines of "Of course…"
He pushed his stool back and strode up to the front of the classroom without a waver in his step. I was rooting for him. I knew about his and Snape's rows and didn't want to be a witness to another. So far so good. Harry reached the front of the classroom and took the vile from Snape's boney fingers. I held my breath as he uncapped and downed it in one gulp. He didn't look any different at first. But then his body relaxed and his eyes settled on me.
Oh my sweet Merlin.
In no less than one second he rushed over to my seat, yanked me up, and pressed his lips to mine. I heard a collective gasp go around the room, along with a few vomiting sounds. The kiss was enough to make me disregard them, though. It was pure fire, pure need. The one thing in the world that he wanted was me, and this kiss was enough to prove it. It wasn't very graphic, kiss-wise. I felt myself being dipped down as he moved his lips around mine like a dream. I reached onto his jumper and grabbed a hold of it to keep myself steady. Nine seconds went by in a rush and soon, we detached, both short of breath and starring at each other.
"And then you have the hopeless romantics who ruin it all." I heard Snape mutter from behind us.
I felt myself turn red as Harry pulled me up and I looked around the room. All eyes were on us. It was more a reflex than anything when I brushed past Harry to grab my things. I felt hard eyes on me as I put my bag on my shoulder as I made for the door.
"Miss Granger, where do you think you're going?"
I turned back and saw Snape glaring at me. I turned my attention to Harry and said, "I'm sorry, Harry. I need more than to be desired."
And with that, I left.
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