Unofficial Portkey Archive

A Little Step Away From Denial

Author's note:- Thanks to auror_lumos09 for beta read this chapter.

Disclaimer:- I don't own Harry Potter or anyone and anything related.

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(Night, after speaking to Harry)

It was past midnight. Hermione Granger was sitting on her study table in her room, contemplating something very deeply and then finally reached a conclusion.

`I just don't believe it. I am actually going to do it.' Hermione thought as she took out her diary from the table drawer. It was the same diary which her mum had given her as a Christmas present. She had forgotten about it, which was, until this night. Right now, her life was a right mess and she needed someplace to store all her thoughts. What could be better than a personal diary?

Since the day Harry Potter had entered in her life, she felt as though if she was losing her control of her life. She felt angry, sad, and happy, all at once. She desperately wanted to confide in someone about what was going on in her mind and how she was feeling. She was just so confused and scared of the things she was feeling. She thought about talking to Luna, but something held her back. It's not that she didn't trust her but she wasn't yet ready to confront her feelings in front of someone else.

So finally, she decided to try what her mum had told her when she gave her the diary.

"May be this could help?" Hermione said to herself.

She opened the diary. On the first page, there was a message from her mom.

Hermione,

This is one place where you can pour out your heart without being judged by anyone. It can be your secret keeper and a means to sort out your feelings. I hope that it would be as useful for you as it has been for me when I was your age.

Love,

Mum

Hermione smiled as she traced the words with her fingers. Somehow, she felt relaxed at this. She turned the page, picked up her pen and started writing.

Hi dear diary,

(Now I am saying Hi to a diary, I do really need a mental check-up. Damn you Harry Potter, it's all because of you.)

I am Hermione Granger. This is my first ever entry in the world of personal diaries. So I don't exactly know what and how to write in it. But then, I also never thought that I would ever be writing something like this, but here I am. I am just going to write whatever I feel like.

(Ha! Thank God, it's not my homework. Just imagine what would happen if a teacher is assigned to check the personal diaries. I would surely get a big ZERO.)

I think I am just getting off the track.

I am just feeling so girly…I mean I am actually writing about a boy who makes me feel ….I don't know what he makes me feel…But I know I do feel something…What exactly, is difficult to point at for now….But hey, I at least deserve a little bit leniency and some time to figure it out….I am new in all this after all.

Luna says that it was my destiny to meet Harry Potter. But then she believes in many things, which don't exist.

Ugh! I am getting sidetracked again.

Yes, so I was telling you about a boy, Harry Potter. I first met him on Christmas Evening… I was very nervous to see him. I never behaved nicely with him. Probably, I was scared that I would look like a loser in front of him. Somehow, I regret that now. After all, he didn't do anything to me.

He danced with me. I never admitted it to anyone but it felt very good to be in his arms…Oops! Now I am turning into an infatuated fan girl or more like Romilda. However, I can't help it right now. Also, I have to agree he is quite a skilled dancer.

That was the first time I ever felt something like this (I can assure you of one thing that it is completely non-platonic), something stirred inside me which was completely foreign to me.

Second time we met, was at the New Year Ball. We again danced together. That day he stood with me against Cho. I mean it's strange that a popular guy would favor a bookworm instead of a beauty like Cho.

Oh well I didn't tell you about Cho. She is an arrogant; snobbish (I don't have enough words as of now to describe her.) girl in my school. She draws pleasure from hurting others. She hates me because her tactics don't work on me. From me she receives as good as she gives. Moreover, on the top of it all, she once dated Harry Potter.

So yeah, I was telling you about New Year Ball. That day we danced and he KISSED me. Ha! You must be thinking he kissed me on the lips. No….he kissed me on the corner of my lips…but it was a kiss nonetheless, first time being kissed by a non-family person. It felt like floating in the air. It was again the same feeling that I felt on Christmas day. I don't even remember how I got in my bed that night.

(Is it attraction…?)

And guess, what happened next day….he was here at my doorstep….more like my front door step of my home.

Well diary I have to say (write) you are a very good listener, listening to all my babblings without any interruption.

So next day here he was, telling me that he wanted to meet me. I was appalled. Why in the world, would Harry Potter, want to meet me? And he finally admitted that he had entered into a bet with his friend upon me.

Then again, another shocking thing happened…I wasn't angry at all… I knew I should be…But I wasn't…I still don't know why but I felt flattered by that…

According to the bet, Harry had to date me for next three months…

Hermione emitted a long yawn.

Well for today, it's enough. I'll be back later. Goodnight.

(I am seriously getting crazy, wishing a diary Goodnight.)

At least, only you know about my craziness. Keep my secret safe.

Hermione closed her diary but before closing it, she added one more line under the note written by her mom.

This diary belongs to Hermione Granger.

Once she was in her bed, she felt tranquility as she had never felt in last few weeks. All this writing stuff was really helping her. At least she admitted that she felt something for Harry Potter and it definitely was not any kind of a platonic feeling. It was a surprising thing for her that, having these feelings made her experience weird and wonderful emotions. Previously she had felt like she wanted to kiss him, wanted him to hold her in his arms or wanting to dance with him. Now she wanted more than that, dancing and kissing was just not enough. She knew things were getting out of out of hand now.

On the other side, a new emotion was making its way to her heart, the flicker of jealousy. She had felt that emotion on some occasions towards Romilda and that redhead girl. One thing surprised her though; she didn't feel any kind of jealousy towards Cho, who had once dated Harry Potter.

Now she understood, even if not completely, that all these feelings were coursing through her heart and mind, because she had started liking Harry Potter the way a girl would like a boy or a woman would like a man.

Whenever she used to see her girl classmates (including Luna) fawning over some boy, she always wondered how those girls could waste their time in useless things like fancying someone. For her, making the best use of her time was by reading books and doing her homework. Now that she was going through all these feelings herself, it was difficult to find the faults in other girls who were more interested in talking about a boy, than reading a book and gain some knowledge.

Now that she had acknowledged her feelings for Harry, another worry had started bubbling in her mind; does Harry feel the same for her and if not, where does that leave her. It was the first time she felt attracted towards a boy. What would she do if Harry didn't like her?

Now that Harry had already shown up at her home twice to meet her, Hermione had started expecting that he might show up again, though there wasn't any reason for him to come, as they had already decided to meet on the upcoming Sunday.

`Just go to the sleep Hermione. Nothing's going to come out of all these ponderings. You are just wasting your sleeping time over something which is not even real.' Hermione thought as she closed her eyes, trying to get Harry Potter out of her mind. After sometime, she fell asleep.

From then on, Hermione kept the diary close to her all the times. Every now and then, she would write something in it, whether it was at home, school or the bookshop where she worked part-time. She did not mind opening the diary and writing in front of her mum and Luna. However, she was especially careful whenever Romilda was around. She knew if Romilda found out that, she was writing a personal diary, she would try to get her hands on it. It was better to be cautious in advance, than regretting carelessness in the future.

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Hermione was glad that her mum was so supportive of her relationship with Harry. As she had expected, her Mum agreed and convinced her Dad as well, when she asked if she could go to Ginny Weasley's birthday party as Harry's date.

It was two days after talking to Harry.

"Hey mum," Hermione said, sitting next to her mum on the couch.

After dinner, Robert was watching television in his room while Jane was sitting in her study room doing some paperwork.

"Hermione, what happened?" Jane asked, keeping the papers aside on the small table beside the couch.

"I wanted to ask you something." Hermione said, looking at her mum.

"What is it?" Jane asked her daughter.

"Mum, next Sunday, it's Ginny Weasley's birthday party. She is Ronald Weasley's sister. Harry asked me if I would go there with him as his date. I said I would ask you. So can I go?" Hermione asked, feeling a little guilty inside.

She was already lying to her mum about dating thing. Initially when she agreed to help Harry, she did not give much thought to it, but now she was feeling very guilty. Plus her growing feelings towards Harry was making her feel very confused about the bet, because now she wasn't sure whether she would be able pretend next time she would meet Harry. The line between pretend and reality was becoming a bit blurred for her.

"Ronald Weasley, Harry's best friend?" Jane asked, remembering Hermione's interaction with Ron at the Christmas dinner party.

"Yeah," Hermione replied. Jane nodded in acknowledgement.

Jane didn't say anything. She had a thoughtful expression on her face.

After a couple of agonizing moments for Hermione, Jane spoke

"Do you want to go?" Jane asked her daughter.

Hermione hesitated a bit, and then answered, "Yes," she said.

"Then go. It's your decision to make." Jane said with a smile as she took her daughter's hand in hers.

"But I thought you would want to know about it. And I wasn't sure if you would like me to go there." Hermione said feeling a bit confused.

Jane shifted a bit closer to Hermione and spoke in a calm voice,

"Hermione, of course I would like to know where you go. But it doesn't mean that you have to ask me all the time. In 2 years, you will be an adult, and so you should learn to make your decisions. Anyways it's just a birthday party and I trust your judgment and decision." Jane said in motherly voice.

Hermione contemplated what her mum said.

`Am I unable to make my decisions? But I have made my decisions in the past like…like what? Decisions about my books, cloths…Yeah, definitely, life-altering decisions. Accept it Hermione, you have always been a little scared of taking the first step on your own. You have always depended on your parents to help you in making your decisions.'

Hermione let out a dejected sigh. She realized, what her mum said was right. Outside she may look like a strong girl, but inside she was always felt like a small girl who can't even cross the road on her own. Maybe that was why she was never able to befriend others, except Luna, but then circumstances in which their friendship started wasn't usual either. She might have never approached Luna on her own just to be friends with her.

Hermione looked at her mum. "I think you are right. But does that mean I am coward, and don't have guts to do something on my own." Hermione asked.

"No Hermione, definitely not. Just because we help you in making your decisions, doesn't mean that you are a coward. However, there are some things or paths in life that you would have to get through on your own. And whenever you have any trouble, we will be there to help you." Jane said.

Hermione looked at her mum with wonder.

"You are amazing mum." Hermione said with admiration evident in her voice.

Jane simply laughed at this.

"And what about dad? He's not very happy with me dating Harry." Hermione asked.

"Don't worry about him. He'll learn to accept it." Jane said with a chuckle.

Hermione was amazed at how easily her mum was able to make her understand the complicated matters. Since her childhood days, Hermione had seen her mum solving her troubles and confusions. To others it might look like her mum was trying to dominate her life, but in reality she was trying to make her see different aspects of life. Hermione understood it now. There had always been little things, which her mum always made her do. Like, whenever Romilda used to come to London to stay with Hermione and her family, Hermione's experience wasn't very pleasant, in fact, it was downright miserable.

Romilda used to make fun of Hermione's looks, her love for books and knowledge. She would call Hermione a "bookworm", call her "toothy," due to her large front teeth and would always call her bushy hair, "a nest for birds". She never let go of any chances to make Hermione feel bad about herself.

Hermione used to cry and go to Jane to complain about Romilda. But Jane never came in between Hermione and Romilda. She never reprimanded Romilda for teasing Hermione. Instead, she would tell Hermione to ignore her cousin's comments. Jane would tell Hermione to not to get affected by Romilda's comments because they were not true.

It was difficult for a little Hermione to ignore the vicious comments coming from her cousin's mouth. She even got angry with her mum for not taking her side and scold Romilda, but Jane was always able to make her feel better.

Hermione had once demanded from her parents that they should not let Romilda come into their house, though that never happened.

Eventually Hermione learned to ignore the comments and started to stand up for herself against her cousin. Slowly all these things started to bore her because Romilda never had anything new to say. It didn't mean that Hermione became completely indifferent to those nasty remarks; sometimes when she got hurt, she was able to mask her feelings and get over them. But despite understanding that other kids teased her because they didn't have anything better to do, Hermione was never able to let go of her insecurities.

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Amidst all the teasing Hermione had endured in her life, she was glad to have Luna as her best friend.

She never had any friends when she started her schooling, until Luna came along.

When they had first met, Hermione wasn't very fond of that unusual, dreamy looking girl. She usually tried to avoid Luna's company, but one day Luna stood up for Hermione, against some mischief makers of the class, who were teasing and making fun of her bushy hair. Hermione was grateful for this.

After that, Hermione and Luna started hanging together. They started sitting in the class together, sat at the same table in the canteen, studied together in the library. Hermione didn't even mind hearing about Luna's imaginary creatures. Although she would never forget to remind Luna, that those creatures did not exist.

Hermione realized that Luna was not as odd as she looked on outside. In fact, she was like any other normal girl. Others ridiculed her too, just like Hermione. They called her loony, oddity and many other hurtful names. Hermione made it her duty to protect Luna from those who tried to hurt her.

From then on, they were both inseparable. Having Luna as her best friend, made Hermione realize just how much she needed a friend in her life. And Luna was good enough to fill that void in her life.

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After talking to her mum, the next day Hermione informed Harry that she would go with him to the party. Hermione could not believe how stupid she was. Even after talking to Harry on the phone, she forgot to take his number. Hence, she had to ask Luna to take Harry's number from Ron.

Harry was a bit surprised when Hermione called him.

Hermione called to Luna, the same night she talked to her mum. She told Luna to take Harry's number from Ron. Next day at school, she took the number from Luna.

After dinner that night, she called to Harry. Hermione was feeling tentative as she dialed the number. She didn't know how Harry would react. What if he decided not to take her with him? As it started ringing on the other side, Hermione started thinking that probably it wasn't such a good idea to call Harry.

"Hello?" a voice spoke from the other side of the phone.

"Is it Harry?" Hermione asked hesitantly.

"Hermione, is that you?" Harry asked. Hermione sighed with relief. He didn't sound annoyed.

"Yeah, it's me, Hermione." Hermione replied.

"Hi, so…umm…you called." Harry said, not knowing how else to approach.

"Yeah. I just wanted to tell you that…" Hermione stopped for a second.

`What if he has changed his mind? Should I ask him first?' Hermione considered her options.

"Hermione, are you there?" Harry asked when Hermione stopped talking.

Hermione snapped out of her musings. "Yeah I am here." She replied.

Hermione took a deep breath and spoke,

"I called to tell you about birthday party." Hermione said calmly in an attempt to hide the quivering in her voice.

"Ok, so are you coming with me?" Harry asked.

"Yeah, I'm coming with you." Hermione replied.

Harry sighed with relief. "So your mum had no problem with this?" Harry asked.

"No, she immediately agreed." Hermione replied to his question.

"And what about your dad?" Harry asked.

Hermione just laughed. "Mum said, not to worry. She would handle it." Hermione said.

"Okay," Harry said. They both were silent for next few seconds.

"So is there any kind of dress code for the party, since it's a pool party?" Hermione asked.

"Well I don't know. I think it would be better to wear according to the temperature. Party will be at the Weasley's farmhouse, on the outskirts on London. It's an open area, so it will be pretty cold out there." Harry replied.

"Ok. Will you pick me up from my home or we should meet somewhere else?" Hermione asked.

"I'll pick you up from your place at 12. The party is going to last throughout the day, so others can go back to their places before it gets too late." Harry said.

"Well then see you on Sunday, bye." Hermione said.

"Okay, bye." Harry said in return and they both cut off the line.

All that Hermione had to do now was to wait for the Sunday to arrive.

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If Hermione thought that she was the only one who was having conflicting feelings for her partner in crime, she couldn't be more far from the truth.

Hermione was keeping herself distracted from her feelings with school, studies, and her new hobby of writing in her personal diary. Harry Potter was also trying very hard, not to get himself distracted by a certain brown-haired person. He was, at the moment, involved in football practice, which was currently taking place on the football grounds of Hogwarts, under the supervision of the coach Roland Hooch.

"Potter, focus on the game instead of your day dreaming." Hooch shouted at Harry.

"Sorry coach," Harry replied, giving an apologetic smile.

Harry and his team were practicing for their upcoming exhibition match against Durmstrang. Both Hogwarts and Durmstrang were the best football teams amongst all the school football teams in England. Each year an exhibition match was held between both the teams to collect the funds to donate for social causes. Hogwarts and Durmstrang were famous for their rivalry. So their match was always exciting for both the crowd and the players.

Even though the match was not taking place until April, their coach had started to train the team from January. Since the school term started, the Hogwarts football team have been preparing for the match.

After the practice was over, the coach then turned to some of the new players on the team.

Harry, Ron (Goalkeeper of the team) along with some other players started to walk back towards the changing room.

"We are improving fast; even the new ones are getting feel of the things." Ron said, "However, I don't think you noticed. Like coach said, stop daydreaming. Was it a certain brunette, you were dreaming about? " He added the last part with a chuckle.

Harry simply rolled his eyes. "I wasn't daydreaming Ron. And it wasn't a brunette." Harry said firmly.

"That's what they say when they are caught." Ron said smugly.

"Honestly Ron, don't you get bored with teasing me all the time? You know, we are just pretending." Harry asked in a bored voice, as they reached to the changing room.

"I don't know about the pretend part because it didn't look like you were pretending. And it's always fun to tease you." Ron replied with a laughing voice and left Harry's side to take a shower. Harry sighed and followed his best friend towards the showers.

The same thing was happening, since the day Harry kissed Hermione. Ron would never let go of any chance about teasing him. Ron kept on teasing Harry about that he was falling for Hermione hard and fast.

After taking a shower and changing back into the school uniforms, Harry and Ron left the changing rooms. There was still sometime for the school day to end, so they started moving to the Great Hall which was the canteen of the school.

Harry and Ron reached to the entrance of the hall when a squealing voice came from behind them. Harry cringed at the voice; he knew who it was. He looked at Ron who had a sympathetic look on his face, though a grin was threatening to come over his face. Then without saying anything, he strode inside the Great Hall.

"Hi Harry," Ginny Weasley said breathlessly as she came and stood next to Harry.

"Hi Ginny," Harry said, trying hard not to show his annoyance.

"So how was your practice?" Ginny asked sweetly.

"Umm…it was great. " Harry replied.

"Oh I just can't wait to see you in the match. You look so cool in your football uniform." Ginny said in a dreamy voice, looking at Harry with adoration.

Harry didn't know what to say. How could he make her understand that he wasn't interested in her? He sighed and rubbed his head.

"So will you be coming to my birthday party?" Ginny asked with a smile.

"Well yeah, I'll be coming." Harry replied.

"I just can't wait. I'll have my first dance with you." Ginny said excitedly, with a faraway look on her face.

"Look Ginny, I have to go. Ron is waiting for me." Harry said, with a little stern voice.

But Ginny didn't seem to notice it. "Okay" she said, kissing Harry on the cheek and left. Harry raked his hand through his messy hair, which were still a bit damp due to his shower. Sighing, he moved into the Great Hall.

`God knows, what kind of tantrums she will throw at her birthday party.' Harry thought, while taking his seat on the table where Ron was sitting, stuffing his mouth with food.

Ginny Weasly had a crush on Harry since like forever. Harry didn't even know why she had a crush on him. She just had some kind of notion in her mind that Harry was her prince charming. He hardly knew anything about her. She was a year younger than Harry and she always flirted with him.

Since the New Year Ball, Harry had been trying to avoid her. After Hermione and her family had left, only the Potters, Weasleys and James' best friends, Remus Lupin and Sirius Black and some other guests, remained.

Ginny had managed to corner him and tried to kiss him for the New Year. Harry somehow managed to get away from her.

But it wasn't easy for Harry to evade Ginny's flirty attempts to get together with him. She had been dropping subtle hints about her wanting to go out with Harry. This had been going on since Harry broke up with his previous girlfriend, Sarah.

Harry was getting very frustrated with her. He dreaded the day when his temper would get better of him and Ginny would face his anger.

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It wasn't just during football practice that Harry's thoughts had wandered off. It was happening during classes, when he was at home or out with his friends. Harry's thoughts would always take a stroll towards Hermione, the kisses they shared and the little interactions they had since the Christmas dinner party at Grangers. This was all he was thinking about for last couple of weeks.

Sometimes he even found himself imagining about doing something more than just kissing her. He couldn't deny it anymore. He was attracted to her, and the kisses he shared with her told him as much.

Somehow, this attraction feeling was different from what he had felt for his other girlfriends in the past. Especially Cho Chang, his first crush. However, the more he thought about it, the more he realized that his attraction to Hermione wasn't just physical. Of course, Hermione was pretty, stunning even, but he also liked talking to her. He didn't like it when Cho was insulting her, first at the New Year Ball and then outside Beauxbatons.

The most surprising thing was that he had not known her for very long, but his feelings to her were stronger than he had ever felt before for anyone. Now, he accepted that he had started to like her.

However, he was not a fool to mistake this attraction or liking for love. He knew what love looked like even if he didn't know how it felt. Since his early days, he had watched his parents. His parents had a love marriage. He had noticed, even if at subconscious level, their loving gestures, devotion towards each other, silent conversations they would share, and how they worried about each other. Even the playfulness between them spoke millions about their feelings for each other.

Harry still remembered, how worried his father was, when his mother had an accident. His father, James Potter, had received a call from a police officer, informing him that his wife had an accident. At the time, James was attending a very important meeting and had just left without saying anything as soon as he received the call from the officer.

Harry could not forget those 3 days when his mother, Lily Potter, was in the infirmary. It was the first time Harry really realized how much love James felt for Lily. It was infinite. He never left the side of his wife. He hardly ate or slept. Even after Lily was back home, James didn't go back to work until Lily was back on her feet, completely healthy.

So Harry was sure that he was not in love with Hermione, at least not yet. He was just a 16-year-old teenager with his hormones raging. Even if his attraction towards Hermione was stronger than he had ever felt before, it did not necessarily mean that it would last forever.

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It was a day before the party. Harry wasn't surprised when his mother had asked him about whether he was dating Hermione Granger. As Hermione's parents were good friends with Harry's parents, Lily was bound to know about the supposed budding relationship between Harry and Hermione.

Harry knew that his mum liked Hermione. Though Lily didn't interrogate him, nor straightforwardly say anything about his relationship with Hermione, Harry could sense her approval of his relationship with Hermione.

In the past, she had never been happy with the girls Harry dated. However, she didn't interfere in his life, except giving some hints here and there, about her dislike of his choices in the girls.

In the end, Harry was happy that it was a good sign that his mum was agreeable with him and Hermione together. She was even happy that Harry was taking Hermione to Ginny's birthday party.

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"Hermione, Harry is going to be here soon. Are you ready?" Jane said loudly from downstairs.

"Yeah mum, I am ready." Hermione said as she came down the stairs.

Around 45 minutes back, Harry had called to inform Hermione once more, that he was coming to pick her up at 12:00. It was almost 11:45 now and Harry was about to come.

"Mum, do I look alright?" Hermione asked unsure of herself. She was wearing simple dark black jeans, black top made of soft fabric, and a dark blue denim jacket. Her chocolate-brown bushy hair was tied in a simple loose ponytail.

"You look nice, Hermione." Jane said with a smile.

Hermione and Jane were sitting in the living room, waiting for Harry. Romilda wasn't there with them. Hermione was a bit disappointed. She wanted Romilda to be there when Harry come to pick her.

"So are you ready to go?" Robert asked, as he came into the living room with two mugs in his hands. He handed one mug to Jane and sat next to her.

"Yeah dad," Hermione replied.

Robert started to speak again, but Hermione interrupted him.

"No dad, no more lectures about the party. You have been lecturing me about this since last night. I know there will be many new people, but don't worry, I'll handle it." Hermione said. Robert simply nodded.

After a couple of minutes doorbell rang.

"I'll get it." Hermione said as she got up from her seat.

Reaching the front door, she opened it. As expected, it was Harry.

"Hi" Harry said, feeling a little uneasy.

"Hi" Hermione said. She gestured for Harry to come in. Once he was inside,

"Are you ready?" Harry asked. Hermione simply nodded.

"Are you both leaving?" Jane asked and she and Robert came to where Harry and Hermione were standing.

"Yeah" Hermione replied.

"Well Harry, the only thing I have to tell you is, bring her back on time." Robert said looking at Harry.

"Yes Mr. Granger," Harry said.

"We better leave. The venue is a little far from here." Harry said, looking at Hermione.

"Ok then, bye mum, bye dad" Hermione said.

With that, Harry and Hermione left for the party.

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Author's note:- So what do you think? Please tell me through your reviews.

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