A note before reading the newest chapter:
As of now I have deleted the last chapter (the confrontation between Lily and James) so this will start from the part at which chapter 11 left off.
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Chapter XII: sometimes you just don't know
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When she opened the door only one thing came to mind, "Did you not understand the message? I don't want to talk."
James smirked at her insinuation, "Now why, and most importantly how, could I possibly receive that message?"
"Because if I know `the Marauders' like I think I do, then as soon as Sirius talked to me he went to you and Remus to report what had happened."
James just smiled at her charmingly, "Now you're making us sound like a group of gossiping girls."
"If I didn't know otherwise from experience, I would think that you actually are a group of girls."
"Ouch, Lils, that hurts right here," he said as he dramatically grabbed his chest where his heart lay.
Lily sighed, realizing that they could not deviate from the topic at hand for much longer, "James, seriously, what are you doing here?"
"I think you and I should talk," he told her, pushing past her and seating himself on the couch in her room.
"Why of course you can come in, thank you so much for asking," Lily sarcastically uttered as she closed the door and took a seat on the chair across from him.
"You're welcome," he smirked at her smugly.
She, on the other hand, merely glared at him in response.
"I take it that it's not the right time for my comments."
"You think?"
"You know, you used to find them rather sexy."
Lily sighed, "James what are you doing here?"
"I thought we could talk."
"About what?" Lily suspiciously asked him.
"Nothing much, I mean we're mates, aren't we? We should be able to just hang out a bit.
Lily bit her lip instantly regretting having been so hostile, "sure I'd like that."
"Great… so…"
"So?" Lily asked with a smile, enjoying how uncomfortable he was.
"What do we do now that we're mates and all?" he curiously asked her. "I mean even when we were before all I could think about was getting into your pants."
"Nice, very romantic," she commented in a deadpan voice.
"Well, it's about as romantic as most guys get love, you're better off just getting used to it as you'll be seeing a lot more of it in your life unless you plan on becoming a lesbian. Just take it as it is."
"And what would that be?" Lily asked him with an amused smile.
"A compliment."
Lily laughed, "of course, how could I have possible been so stupid as to misconstrued it as sexual harassment."
"I honestly have no idea, not the brightest witch, are we now?"
"Guess not," she laughed.
James paused, just looking at her.
"What?" Lily asked.
"Nothing, this just feels nice."
"At risk of sounding repetitive, what?"
"This- you and me, banter and all, I missed it."
"We were pretty good together," Lily agreed with a small smile.
"We were always friends above all."
"Yeah," Lily said. "Yeah I guess we really were."
They both sat in an awkward silence, both unsure as to how to continue after the little walk down memory lane that had just took place.
"So how's the love life James?"
"Come on Lils, you didn't really just ask me that did you?"
"Well it seemed like a logical enough question, we're teenagers, it should be booming right now."
"Well then take my word for it, you don't want the answer."
"This friendship thing isn't going to go very far if you're going to be like that," Lily teased him, taking absolutely no heed to his warning.
"Lils-"
"Come on James, it's a simple enough question."
"It's okay."
"That's it?" she asked, obviously disappointed.
"Yep."
"Well now that's awfully vague."
"And you're never satisfied."
"Eh, I pull it off well," she said with a small smile.
James paused, looking at her, observing her. "You're different."
Lily looked at him incredulously, trying to make sense of what he had just said, "good or bad way?"
"Good, definitely good, I like it."
"Well I'm generally just happy, so I'd say it's a good thing that you prefer it to sad Lily."
"So then I take it you like it as well."
"God no! Do you have any clue how great it was being the tortured black child? How much pity I got because of it all?"
He laughed, "This side of you… it suits you really well."
"So you've said."
"Thought it was worth repeating."
"Well thanks. -- Oh God, the last time I'd laughed like this-these past few days was last summer. I miss feeling so care free."
"Well I'm glad I was able to make you feel that way."
"You're just like that…. you have this incredible aura about you, one that can just make anyone feel happy, feel free to let loose and forget everything."
"So do you."
"Yeah, the tortured soul of the Black family, ii can totally see that one being a crowd pleaser," Lily quipped sarcastically.
"You always made me eel happy," James blushed as he muttered it, so quietly that Lily had to strain to hear him properly.
"Well that's because you didn't really know me then."
"You think?" James asked more then slightly offended by the fact that she could think that.
"James, come on-I mean-well just look at it-"
"I think I knew you," he adamantly told her.
"That's impossible-"
"In fact, I think I didn't need to know about your home life to really know you. I think I knew you so well that I was one of the only people to ever see that side of you, the real you. The care free, fun, insecure girl that was so scared of ever looking weak."
He stopped, expecting her to comment, fight him on what he had said, but no response came from her. Instead she just sat there, obviously trying to process everything that he had said, trying to make sense of it all.
"I think I knew you so well that I was able to love both sides of you unconditionally-- that I loved who you were and why, all of it, the total package, no matter how cliché and pathetic it may sound," he told her quietly as it was the first time since their break up that he actually addressed and admitted to the fact.
Lily looked up at him, having avoided his eyes throughout his entire speech, "you didn't love me James." She told him quietly, so much so that he almost didn't hear her.
"What do you mean?" he asked her incredulously. "Do you think I lied you about it, because-"
"No James, you might believe that you are, but you're not. You don't know what love is."
"Listen Lily, in the past I may have been a bit casual as far as relationships were concerned, but with you it was different. Don't ever doubt that I love you, it's not fair of you to say that."
"James-"
"no. don't, dot hat Lily. You can't just write it off like that, pretend that it never happened. That's not fair."
"then what do you want from me James, because right now I'm at a total loss as to where you and I stand," lilt told him, exasperated and aggravated by the fact that the whole evening, her first one of all nights, had seemingly gone to hell.
"I want us."
"I told you-"
"I'll put up with being mates, really, whatever you want Lils, but you asked what I want and that's it. I even laid it all out for you, ready to be examined and everything," he told her before leaving her there, gaping at him as he exited the room.
Lily sat there frozen, internally fuming over the fact that he had had the audacity to insinuate that she overanalyzed things.
"Argh, bloody hell," she exclaimed as she leapt out of her chair following James.
"I'm not going to just let you have the last word like that," she told him as she barged into his room.
"You know, it's polite to know," James told her with a smirk, well aware of how much it annoyed her to hear him say that.
"Shut up," she snapped at him.
"What do you want Lily?" he asked in a bored tone, purposefully goading her.
"I-" Lily stammered. "I- ugh! You can't just do that, end it like that, it's not fair."
"How's it not fair?" James asked genuinely confused.
"I don't know," Lily pouted. "You just- you can't confuse me like this James, I'm finally happy and then you come barging back into my life and you give me this whole new set of problems to deal with."
"Ouch, I'm a problem?"
"You know what I mean."
"Yes, I do, and it's not particularly flattering."
"James," Lily said in a strained voice, signaling for him to stop as he really wasn't helping.
"Listen Lils, like I said, I was just being honest with you, but I'm fine just being friend, I get it, I really do."
"It's not that."
"Then what is it?"
"I don't know," she groaned in aggravation, throwing herself onto his bed by him.
"Lils, what's wrong?"
"I don't know what to make of you, what I want, where we stand. It's all just so blah!"
"Blah?" he asked her with an amused smile.
"Blah."
"Well how can I help un-blah it?"
"Now that sounds stupid."
"This is coming from the girl that uses blah as an adjective."
Lily remained quiet after that, deep in thought.
"I'm waiting."
"For what?"
"How can I help?"
"I don't know if I can do it James."
James smiled, "well it's rather easy, you tell me how I can help, and then I-"
"Not that, I don't know if I could do it, have an us."
"I understand," he told her monotonously.
"James-"
"No I get it, I let you go, my fault, got it."
"It's not that."
"Then what is it?" he asked her, the aggravation apparent in his voice.
"I can't just go back in time, ignore everything that happened, all the pain. We can't just go back to being us, not after all tat we went through."
"Why not?"
"Because… look at us."
"I am, and I don't see it."
"We're not right, we lied, we both fucked up so much-"
"So what?"
"How can you say that?"
"How can you say that we're not right for one another?" James challenged her. "I love you Lils, I honestly do. Somehow I feel for you, don't know why and really, I don't care, all that matter to me is that I did. Just let go, accept it because I promise you that I'm not going to lose you, not again. I'm stubborn as hell and I can promise you that I always win. I always get what I want and I only want you, Lils."
Lily crossed the bed so she was sitting right in front of him, "okay."
"Okay?" James asked skeptically, not sure as to whether or not he was hearing properly.
"Okay, but this time, no love, not for three months, we're going to tackle this like any normal teenage couple. I don't want to have a reason to doubt us, so that's the rule take it or leave it.
"One question."
"What?" Lily asked him, exasperated as she expected the worst given that it was James.
"Does that mean no sex?"
"I did say like any normal teenage couple, didn't I?" she asked him with a small smile before pulling him in for a kiss.
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Author's note: I am so sorry that this chapter took so long to post, but I really wasn't happy with my original version (or the last chapter-thought it was way too sappy-although this version probably is too LOL). I just needed to go back re-do it, re-format it, and this was my first idea and I liked it well enough.
Oh, and I decided to post ASAP rather then waiting for my beta's reply so sorry for any errors (I'll re-post this chap when she gets to it)
p.s. please review
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