Chapter V: confrontations & secrets
--
Gryffindor common room
2 a.m.
Throughout her first week at Hogwarts she had quickly become aware of the social hierarchy in the school, particularly the Marauders' standing, more like control over it. Carter immediately explained the fierce friendship between the four boys, but in her opinion something about it just wasn't right. It just didn't seem to fit.
She couldn't sleep. It was bothering her. Why does Peter look so familiar? She asked herself as she sat on the chair in the common.
"Hey," a voice interrupted her from her reverie of thoughts, and as she looked up she was shocked to see who it was, as well as the fact that he had actually acknowledged her presence.
"Hi James, can't sleep?" she asked him with a slight smile, well aware of his inability to sleep through thunderstorms.
"Not at all, I laid in bed for hours trying to though."
"Me too," and with that they fell into an awkward silence that was pestering both of them. "Can I ask you something?" she finally blurted out.
"Sure," but his uncertainty regarding whether or not he actually wanted to have the inevitable conversation was undeniable.
Lily paused, contemplating whether or not she really wanted the answer to the question that had been constantly pestering her since the two had ended things. "I know that it's supposed to be this like unwritten rule for us not to talk about it and all, but-oh fuck, I'm rambling again, aren't I? I guess I just wanted to ask about when I told you that I was a Black, did you break up with me because I lied to you or because of what Sirius had told you about me?"
He nervously ruffled his hair with his hand, obviously uncomfortable, "a little bit of both I guess."
Lily averted her gaze from him, focusing it on the fire so he wouldn't see her reaction to his confession. She knew that it was to be expected, but actually having him vocalize those sentiments was a whole new level of pain that she hadn't been prepared for. "Do you really believe what Sirius had told you?"
"Lils, you have to understand the situation I was in. I mean what was I supposed to believe? It was either Sirius, who I have know and been best friends with for years, or you, a girl who I may have loved, but still had only known for two months. Which one was the safer bet?-- Seriously, had you been in my shoes, what would you have done?"
"Well that one summer was more time then Sirius ever spent with me, combined. Okay, I have one more question: why couldn't you make the decision for yourself?"
"I di-"
"Don't lie to me. You were scared, scared of Sirius" reaction. "Man up and just admit it Potter," she told him, her tone never showing any angry sentiments, but just disappointment in him.
"Lils he's my best friend, if I can't trust him then who can I?"
She smiled sadly at him, "obviously not me," she told him quietly as she walked away, ignoring his calls and pleads for her to return so that he could explain.
--
Great hall
Breakfast:
"How do I know him?" she asked herself repeatedly as she stared at the chubby boy that was currently eating with the rest of the marauders.
"Hey, why are you staring at Peter Pettigrew of all people?" Carter asked her as he appeared behind her. "Do you have some odd new fetish for ugly, fat boys that have the mental capacity of a rock?" he teased her.
"Ha-ha, very funny. And for your information, in case you need verification you pervert, no. There's just something about him… it's as though I have already met him or have seen him before. I just don't know from where."
"Who knows," he shrugged, not particularly interested in the topic anyway. "By the way was it really necessary to hex Sirius so that whatever he put on would turn pink? He tried it with one of my shirts and now I need to find a way to change it back," Carter pouted.
"That's bloody genius. I wish I had thought of it," she told him as she overdramatically admired the handiwork of the spell, while Carter just gave her a pointed stare. "Why ever would you assume that I could be capable of such a thing?" she asked as she feigned innocence.
Carter merely cocked an eyebrow in response to her question, finding no need to voice his reasons for his doubt.
Lily groaned at his response, "Ugh, you take the fun out of everything, Carter. Why do you have to be so all-knowing?"
Carter smugly grinned at her, "what can I say? It's a talent."
--
Seventh year girls' dormitory
As soon as she entered the room everyone started whispering to their companion. Lily just decided to ignore it and lay down on her bed and began reading.
"You're not welcome here," a voice told her, and when she looked up she saw none other than Diana Moore.
"Excuse me? I do believe that this is my dorm as well."
"Not any more as I said, you're not-"
"Welcome here," Lily interrupted, "yes I understood that part. Now may I ask why?"
"Because we don't associate ourselves with lecherous, backstabbing bitches," Diana responded before turning away and returning to her friends in the corner of the room.
At that point only one name ran through Lily's mind.
Sirius.
--
Seventh year boy's dormitory:
Lily stormed into the room, shocking all of the boys who were currently inside.
"You told them to stay away from me?" she yelled at Sirius, advancing toward him with wand in hand.
Sirius although shocked by her reaction didn't appear the slightest bit afraid of the silent threat that her wand proposed. "Of course I did. Someone had to warn them."
"Padfoot come on. That was taking it way too far," Remus said.
"What the hell have I ever done to you?!" yelled an overly emotional Lily as tears slowly began to fill her eyes.
"Well-"
"Don't-don't you dare even try to justify your actions! You've never even talked to me before I came here. For years I tried so hard to get to know you, to get your attention, to become your fucking friend, but you listened to them of all people! You listened to all of those rumors rather than even bothering to get to know me."
"Don't try to sound so innocent, Lillian," he said her name with such venom and distaste. "You're the prodigy. You're the perfect Black daughter. I'd be an imbecile to ignore that!"
"no, you're not an imbecile Sirius, instead you're just a jackass," she told him through gritted teeth before leaving the room in order to keep herself from doing any bodily damage to him (which she probably would do if it weren't for the looming threat of being expelled should she act on those impulses).
--
She'd never had to go through something like this before, sure people had hated her before, she was a Black, it's impossible to be like by everyone when you bear that name, but being ostracized by the entire school was so much more difficult than she had ever imagined.
There were the "Sirius Fanatics," who had an unparallel loyalty to the fool that she called her cousin, naturally they abhorred her and tried to make her life a living hell. In one week Lily had learned more defensive spells than one person should ever be forced to become acquainted with. She had hexed more people than she ever had in her life prior to coming to the school.
Then there were the "blood fanatics"(primarily composed and led by names such as Malfoy and Black) who no longer deemed her worthy because she had told them to fuck off when they offered their company to her.
She had never expected life to be easy at Hogwarts, she had never deluded herself into thinking that it could measure up to what she had had at Beauxbatons, but she had never thought that it'd be so terrible.
It wasn't even so much the fact that they hated her, she could live with that, she was used to that, after all, she'd gotten an early lesson on that from Sirius. What hurt was that she never even given a chance.
"Oy, Lils," Carter called out to her, waking her from her reverie. "Have you seen Remus, I need help with some homework."
"He said he had to go visit his mum."
"Odd, his mum seems to always be coming down with something. Poor bloke has to visit her all the time to check up on her," Carter commented. "I think I'm going to head up to bed, don't stay up too late Lils, get some proper rest. Anyway, night."
"Okay, night," she told him with a smile, before turning to back to the window. It was then that she noticed something, looking down at the beautiful lake, observing the entire scene, it was just magnificent. The full moon was what made it all so picturesque.
Lily's eyes widened as she processed what she had just thought to herself.
No way.
--
1 month later:
(November):
She finally had it. She knew that she didn't have to, but she wanted to. After she had found it in a book, (an extremely rare one that took her two weeks to finally track down) she knew that it was perfect and after a week of practice and numerous trials she had finally perfected it.
She walked into the boys' dormitory with a box in her hands.
"Carter's in the bathroom Lily," James told her as he walked towards his bed.
"Oh thanks," she told him, still slightly uncomfortable with being around him given their history. She redirected her attention to Remus. "Hey Remus, I actually have something that I have to give you," she told him as she handed him the package.
"Okay, hair is styled and perfected, now I'm officially ready to-" Carter said as he walked out of the bathroom, but he was interrupted by Sirius.
"He doesn't need anything from you," he told his cousin through gritted teeth.
"As one of his best friends, you probably should be recommending that he takes it," she coolly responded. She then turned to her best friend, "let's go. I don't want to be late for the party."
"Okay," he nodded; glad to get her away from Sirius.
"Lils," Remus called out after her. Lily stopped and turned around to face him. "Thank you."
Lily smiled, "open it before you go thanking me."
As soon as they left James asked the question that was on everyone's mind, "what do you think is in it?"
"Only one way to find out," Remus told him as he opened the box. The first thing that he noticed was a note.
--
Dear Remus,
I had to find a way to thank you, what you did just meant so much to me that I couldn't let it go unacknowledged. Last month I found the perfect opportunity when I realized your secret about your lycanthropy.
I found this a while ago and remembered it once I realized, it's a pretty ancient potion (or at least the book in which I found it in is). Anyway it's supposed to "assist in reducing the amount of pain when you transform during your lycanthropy and makes you more `docile'" (sounds like I am referring to a dog, I know, but that was the book's description). In the box is about six months worth of the potion, so when you are about to run out just tell me so that I can make another batch for you (it takes a month to prepare).
Once again, thank you,
Lily.
P.S. don't worry; your secret's safe with me-you're not the first person I've met with that has to go through this ever month. And just so you know, I didn't tell Carter.
P.P.S. at the bottom of the box is a copy of how to make the potion and directions as to how you have to use it.
--
"What did you do for her?" James asked curiously.
"She got into some trouble, and Carter brought her here, so I helped heal her."
Sirius looked at him, shock evident on his face, "why would you help her?"
"You didn't see her Sirius. She was really beat up."
"Who did it?" James asked.
"I don't know. She wouldn't tell me."
"She probably got it fighting alongside Bellatrix, Regulus, and the rest of the lot," Sirius sneered.
"Sirius, will you just stop it," Remus snapped at his best friend. "You don't even know her, ho-"
"You don't know them Remus. They're all just manipulative bastards, and she is no different. Look at how she already has you wrapped around her finger," Sirius told Remus before leaving the room.
"Forget him," James told Remus once Sirius was out of earshot. "He may be a good mate of mine, but even I can finally admit to the fact that he's an idiot as far as Lily is concerned."
"You can?" Remus looked at him doubtfully.
"Yeah, after finding out that he never really spoke to her before telling us those stories about her, you can't really pay much heed to his advice as far as he's concerned."
"To tell you the truth, I would have thought you'd be too loyal to see reason. I mean, I love you as a mate and all, but you're easily blinded by your loyalty. You look at it as just black and white, right and wrong a lot of the time, you never let there be a grey area… it's just kind of shocking that you're making an exception for Lily."
James smiled at his comment, nervously running a hand through his hair. "Yeah, well sometimes you have to realize that everything you hear may not be true. Sometimes you have to rely on instincts, experience."
"Why do I have a feeling that there's something that you aren't telling me?" Remus asked him, raising an eyebrow at him.
"Because there is."
"Out with it then."
"I dated Lily during the summer."
Remus just stared at him; to say that he was shell shocked by the confession was an understatement to say the least. "You- when- what about Sirius?"
"Well I didn't know she was that Lily then."
"How can you not know that? Her last name is Black, what more do you need?"
"She introduced herself as Lily Evans… I had absolutely no idea who she was for the two months that we dated. Obviously, when I found out who she was I broke it off."
Remus sat quietly next to James for a while. He sat there just staring at his friend, observing him, contemplating what he had just revealed to him before asking, "You love her don't you?"
"How did you know?" James asked, seemingly unsurprised by his friend's perceptiveness.
"I can read you like a book James. You may date other girls, but it finally makes sense why you haven't seemed happy since you got back this year… you love her. The only problem is that you're too bloody loyal for your own good; you're so loyal that you're scared."
"What do you mean? I'm not scared," James asked him, his ego bruised and baffled by the statement.
"Even though you love her you won't protect her… convince Sirius to rethink everything. And the worst part is that Sirius would listen to you-"
"Remus, I just can't."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm confused as well… I broke up with her because I thought that he might be right-"
Remus looked at him with such distaste that it made James feel as though he was biggest wanker to grace the earth, "do you honestly think that she is evil? Lily of all people?!"
"No… I even still love her… everything about her. But that doesn't change the fact that I would lose Sirius if I was with her, and no girl is worth losing your best friend. You know that as well as I do."
"Then don't be with her, just tell him that she is a good person. Tell him to talk to her, if not for me then for her sake, because James, I have to tell you, there is a fine line between being loyal and just being a coward, and you've passed it. here's your chance to rectify that."
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