Chapter IX: Amends, or Something Like It
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"Hey," Sirius greeted Lily as he took a seat across from her at the table where she was doing her homework in the common room.
"I think you have me confused as someone else, see you're the bane of my existence, hence the fact that we don't talk," Lily told him before returning her attention to her work, ignoring him completely.
"Listen, I'm going to blunt with you, I still don't trust you, but James seems to think that I should give you a chance, so here I am."
"Is this some kind of a joke? I mean you can't possibly be so deluded as to think that I'd actually even want to talk to you," Lily spat at him before getting up and leaving, forgetting her things at the table in her haste to get away from him.
He, however, wasn't as apt to give up and grabbed her by the arm before she could get away, "I promised James that I would try to make amends and I will. So how about you return the favor, and try to be nice to me like I am to you right now."
"No."
"No?" he asked, surprised by her answers, after all throughout their entire childhood she had always tried to get closer to him.
"No, I am so sick of it, Sirius! I mean, I've tried, I've tried for years to get you to accept me, to like me, but you always considered yourself to be some holy god-like figure that was just too good for me. So guess what, I'm tired of having to prove myself to you, I'm done with it all, and most of all, I'm done with you. What have you ever even done to deserve my respect? All that you ever were to me was a condescending jackass. You even went so far as to try to turn the entire school against me, and worst of all you succeeded with someone that I loved!" Lily shrieked.
"How could I trust you after everything that you did? Don't make me out to be the bad guy, Lily. I was just protecting my friends."
"From what? That has got to be the most absurd thing that I have ever heard!"
"Oh come on Lily, you and I both know-"
"Don't you dare say it," she interrupted him. "Don't accuse me of something based on some pointless gossip. Out of all people who are you to judge?"
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"You passed the test, Sirius!"
"So did you!"
"See that's where you're wrong. When Jordan gave me his wand, I couldn't do the unforgivable on the dog, I choked. You passed the test, I didn't. My father just told everyone that I was the most powerful witch that he'd ever seen when they asked if I had passed the test. I mean, imagine how embarrassed he'd be when people asked and he said that I failed. He'd never admit to it, even if his life depended on it, he can't stand the thought of a "weak" daughter."
"I-" Sirius stuttered, searching for the words.
"You what, Sirius?" she unintentionally patronized him in the heat of her anger. "Are you sorry? Because if you are, you have no right to be! For years I tried to get you to accept me, to like me. I was so sentimental and naive; I just wanted to have at least someone in my family with whom I could actually have a good relationship. I wanted you to love me, and I was so desperate for it that I practically got down on my knees and begged for you to accept me.
"Worst of all is that it took me until now to realize that you're really not worth it, to see that you never did anything to gain my respect. It took me years to see that I was foolish in deluding myself by believing that if I tried hard enough you would finally see me." Lily paused trying to recollect her thoughts, to calm down, she took a deep breath, "I'm tired Sirius, I'm tired of you and what you do to me," she quietly said to him before walking away.
"Lily, I'm sorry, just- please don't walk away."
Lily stopped at the staircase, turning to him, tears welling up in her eyes, "Blood is thicker than water Sirius, just not by that much. You taught me that one. I'm done, I give up."
--
Lily stormed into the boy's dormitory three hours later; it was almost empty, and would have been had it not been for James who was currently lying in his bed resting with an arm covering his eyes. Lily grabbed a pillow from Carter's bed and started smacking him with it.
"Oy! What the hell was that for?" James yelled as he took the pillow from her.
"Who the hell do you think you are? How dare you force Sirius into giving me a `chance'?" the last word was said with such distaste that James was taken by shock.
"I thought that you would want to make amends."
"It's not up to you whether or not we do, James. You can't decide for us. For Merlin's sake, you're not even doing it for us!"
"What do you mean? Who else would I do it for?"
"You!"
"Me? How the hell would I benefit from it?"
"You wouldn't have to feel guilty for ever having loved me."
Once those words were said the two went quiet. She hadn't intended to say that, she didn't even really mean it. He on the other hand, he had never thought of it. She was right, and it killed him to admit it.
"James, listen, I didn't mean that. I know that the entire world doesn't revolve around me and our history, I was just angry-you know, the red head temper gets the best of me a lot of the time, but seriously, why did you do it?"
"Lils, you're right I did it partially for me- but I also did it for you. I thought that since you had always told me that you wished that you were closer with your family, the whole bonding thing with Sirius would be a good idea."
"James, I appreciate the thought and everything, but you left me. You don't know how I feel now; you never even really talk to me."
"Hey-"
"I know that it's my fault too because I deliberately avoid you, I get it, but there's no doubt that the sentiments are mutual. We're both uncomfortable around each other given everything we went through. You just- you just don't have the right to help me anymore, not after you left me. You had your chance and you made your choice, James, and nothing's going to change that."
She couldn't bear to look at him any longer, it hurt too much, she left the room feeling more confused than she had ever been in her life.
--
"I did it," a solemn Sirius said as he walked into the dormitory.
"I know," at Sirius' questioning face, James was forced to elaborate. "She came here to yell at me for forcing you to talk to her."
"She yelled at me too. Guess that she's not too happy about the fact that the only way that I'd even try to make amends with her is because of you."
"Yeah," James said, staring blankly at the ceiling while lying in bed, never having left it after his argument with Lily.
After a short silence Sirius finally spoke up, "Was she right when she told me that I was too quick to judge her?"
"I can't answer that for you."
"Would be a lot easier on me if you could though. Thanks anyway, I guess- if it wasn't for you I wouldn't have talked to her and I guess that I should've a long time ago, she made that one obvious enough."
"You're welcome… didn't amount to much in the end though."
"It is what it is, I fucked up, not much more can be expected… I want to fix it though, I see what you and Remus saw in her, she's different from who I thought she was- she made that one painfully obvious to me."
"That's good," James said, still staring at the ceiling, his attention not even fully on Sirius.
"You know, now that I think about it, you never told me why you were so sure about her. Why you were so adamant about it all."
That question got James' attention, he sat up and looked at Sirius, pausing, trying to form the words that just wouldn't come. "I- oh fuck, this is harder than I thought that it would be."
"Just spit it out, James," Sirius said, laughing at his friend, unused to the idea of him being at a loss for words.
"Okay-- I'm in love with her."
"Wait-- what?!"
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