Chapter II: a walk down memory lane
--
Meet me in front of the shrieking shack.
Be there at 21:00.
Don't be late.
-your father
"Such severe words," she noted with a sarcastic undertone as she reread the letter.
By the time she finally gave up her internal battle as to whether or not she should actually go to meet him it was already seven thirty, and she needed to be there in an hour and a half. She quickly exited the room and walked to the boy's dormitories in search of Carter's. When she finally found the room she made sure to knock on the door, remembering all the times that she had barged into Carter's room without making sure of whether or not he was in a decent state and the disastrous repercussions that always seemed to follow. Yet when the door opened the person who was on the other side came as a total shock to her.
They both stood there for what felt like hours, but was probably only a minute, just staring at on another. Both were at a total loss as to what to say.
He was the first to break the silence, but all that he could muster was one word, `Lily.' However, that one word was enough to send her through a whirlwind of emotions that brought back countless memories.
--
"OW!" Lily groaned as she hit the ground after colliding with a person as she was running to the quidditch store to meet up with Carter.
"I'm sorry. I wasn't looking where I was going. Here let me help you," a handsome boy apologized to her as he extended his hand in an attempt to assist her, considering that she was currently sitting on the ground.
"It's okay. I'm clumsy anyway, and it was partially my fault," she told the boy offhandedly (and as much as it may have defied the principals of feminism she knew that it was mainly because he was so handsome. She just couldn't resist).
"Well then at least allow me to make it up to you with some ice cream," he offered with a heartbreaking smile that had been perfected to a T.
She knew that she had to meet Carter, but he was just so damn pretty, "okay, sure," she told the boy.
"Carter can find some girl to snog if he gets bored," she thought to herself in an attempt to justify the fact that she was ditching Carter.
"Great," he smiled charmingly at her as he led her to a near by café.
--
They were sitting down and had already ordered when he said, "so, I just realized that I never got your name. I'm James Potter, and you are?"
She had been hoping that he was a muggle born so that he wouldn't know who her family was, but the Black name was infamous among pure blood families such as his.
"Lily Evans," she told him. The lie had just slipped out, she hadn't even meant to give him a false name, but after she did she realized that she didn't want to correct herself.
She didn't regret lying to him, no matter how guilty she may have felt for doing it. She hoped that maybe now she might have a chance to get to know him without him judging her by her name or familial status.
The rest of the day was spent in each other's company, and both were enjoying it (a development which surprised them both considering that they had just met, but were so comfortable talking to one another). They just had fun, talking as friends.
--
One week later:
It hadn't become something more, they were just friends. Somehow it hadn't gone past that stage. She was well aware of the fact that she had feelings for him (which surpassed those of a platonic friendship), but she didn't want to risk her tentative friendship with him by owning up to the fact.
They were sitting watching quidditch (a spell which she found that could broadcast live television or sports event on a wall of your choice) when all of a sudden he broke the silence, "Lily?"
"Hmm?" she asked in a distracted tone, fully concentrated on the game in front of her.
"I need to talk to you."
"Well those words are not usually a good combination," she said as she turned off the game and gave him her full attention.
"Yeah, well in this case I hope that they will be," he told her with a small smile while nervously ruffling his hair. "Okay, I guess that I should just own up to it, so I'll be blunt: I like you Lils."
She looked at him; she was in a complete state of shock, in a total stupor. She had never actually expected him to reciprocate her feeling for him. She finally decided to take action after she saw the distress on his face once she didn't answer. She smiled as she said "well what should we do about that?" she coyly asked him as he slowly closed the gap with a smirk on his face before kissing her.
--
For two months they were constantly together. They always had fun with one another, they could talk about anything. However, she couldn't help, but be scared. She was well aware of the fact that she had to tell him who she really was. She didn't know how it had gone on for so long. How she had allowed it to escalate to that point. She had had sex with him, she had fallen in love with him (a feat in itself considering that she had always been weary of lackadaisical things such as love were concerned. But she had fallen hard for him, and the feeling was mutual), but he still didn't really know her.
Her name made her who she was; her history had molded her into the person that she had become. To really know her, he'd have to know who she was, why she was the way that she was. She knew that it was time to fess up... she had never felt this way before and she didn't want to risk jeopardizing it, it meant too much to her.
"James we need to talk," she told him as they sat in the café drinking their butter beer and eating their ice cream.
"Sure what's up?" he asked.
"Um," she hesitated. She examined the area around her, she was surrounded by people. She suddenly felt claustrophobic. She couldn't confess in a place like that, it needed to be in private or she couldn't go through with it. "Can we go somewhere else so that I can tell you? It's really important."
James seemed hesitant at first, but rather then voicing his concerns he merely paid the bill before grabbing her and leading her towards a secluded alleyway. Once he brought her there he turned to her, "So you had something to tell me?"
"Okay, but first, you have to promise not to interrupt me."
"Deal."
"I'm not Lily Evans," she blurted out with an uncharacteristic unease.
"Bu-"
"James, I said no interrupting," she told him, hoping he'd understand why she needed him to let her speak without interruption at the moment. In response he nodded in understanding. However, she could see it in his eyes; it was obvious that he regretted ever agreeing to that condition. "My real name is Lillian Audrey Black."
His eyes widened at the statement, his surprise was evident due to the expression upon his face. "Um, I have to go," he quickly muttered before leaving. However, she could tell that he didn't mean it as just a momentary thing.
She stood there staring blankly at his retreating figure until it finally dawned upon her, it was really over.
He was officially out.
He'd left the relationship for good.
He'd left her for good.
--
She didn't hear from him the next day and knew that she probably wouldn't ever again, but she needed to tell him… to explain. She had to know that she had done everything in her power to save what they had had. She couldn't just give up.
Dear James,
I'm sorry…. I'm so sorry that I had lied to you, you deserved better than that and I can't deny that fact. I understand that there is no excuse for allowing the lie to go on for that long… or even coming up with it in the first place, but please, hear me out…
I guess that I did it because I was afraid that you would react badly if you found out (which obviously, I was right about). When you said that your surname was Potter I knew that you would know who my family was if I told you my real name and I just couldn't let that happen… I didn't want you to judge me based upon everything that you had heard about my family. I wanted you to get to know me first… I just didn't expect the lie to last that long… for once I wanted to be treated fairly, not feared or detested or whatever just because of my name. I wanted a real shot at something based solely on me and not my name. I know that you probably regret ever being in a relationship with me (I mean how much is a relationship worth if it was founded upon false pretenses, right?) But I still hope that you will reconsider ending it… I still love you.
Please respond James, even if it's to end it, I just want to hear from you. I miss you.
Love,
Lily.
--
His response had been short and monosyllabic, and that's what broke her hear the most.
"I'm sorry, but I just can't.
Bye, Lily."
Those were the words that had ended the only real relationship that she had ever been in. He had been the first guy to ever be more than meaningless fun, more than a quick shag.
It was that moment that marked the birth of her irrepressible insecurities. The pint of no return at which they had been augmented to a point where she could no longer suppress them or the doubt in herself, her character.
On question haunted her: if James didn't believe in her, would anyone?
--
"Prongs! Who is it?" someone yelled from inside the dormitory, in turn, interrupting her from her walk down memory lane.
Author's note: I just wanted to thank everyone who reviewed yet again, even if there wasn't some large response, I'm so grateful for those of you who took the time to drop a word, it meant so much to me, and the comments that I received as far as the direction of the fic mean so much to me (because they help me make it even better)
p.s. I have a question, a poll of sorts. I have another fic as well, but I wanted to know whether you would rather I update this fic 2 times a week or I post another fic as well and post a chap of each once a week (please respond, I just want to know your opinion because I'm not the one reading it so I don't know how you'd prefer it to be played out)
p.p.s. I am in need of a beta at the moment, would anyone be willing to possibly take on the role?
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