Chapter XIII: a break from the pattern
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Song: "Hold On, Hold On" by Neko Case
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"Hey," James greeted her with a small smirk as he joined her at the island in the kitchen at breakfast.
"Oh no, no-- you can't do that," Lily exclaimed, eyes widening at the seriousness of the situation.
"What?"
"Look at me with that smile- you know, that `I've seen you naked' smile."
"Well if you think about it, I could look at you that way any way; even if we didn't do the horizontal tango last night."
"Horizontal tango?"
"Yes, sex-speaking of which, why weren't you in bed when I got up?"
"Well it's not like I'm about to wait for you, I mean, you're not that good in bed, love."
"Ouch, well that's okay- I have time to make up for it," he said with a grin, coming behind her to kiss her neck.
"No," she told him, pushing him away. "James… we need to talk."
"Okay, those are never good words to hear in guy world."
"It's not that-"
"No, you just made sexual innuendos and now I get the `we need to talk' line, what's going on, Lils, are you like bipolar or something?"
"Ugh, I know I'm indecisive; I get it, but just let me get this out first."
"Fine, even if you are being really annoying."
"James, I just- I need some time, before we go public, actually tell people-- I'm not ready for that."
"Why not?"
"We went through so much last time; there was pain, anguish, etcetera. I don't want to be a tragic story again-it's a bitch to go through, I can't take having Sirius and everyone know. Like I said last night, I need to do this at my own pace, and right now, that's privacy."
"But what if I don't want that?"
"I don't know… I just-I want to be sure about us James, I don't want the added pressure of people knowing-"
"By people do you mean Sirius?"
"No- yes, I don't know, everyone. There was so much wrong with our relationship last time, I want to rectify it, give us a chance, and this is the only way we can do that."
"And you're sure that there's no other way?"
"If there is I don't know of it," she shrugged
James let out a deep, reluctant sigh, "Okay then, whatever you want, Lils. Just- just know that Sirius- he accepts us-"
"Wait, you told him?" Lily interrupted, eyes widening in shock.
"Yeah," James grinned sheepishly.
"Why didn't you tell me before?!" she exclaimed, hitting him in the chest.
"Does it change anything?" he asked, a flicker of hope igniting.
"No, but would have been nice to know."
"Well, I'm stuck in a secret relationship and you get ignorance, it's a lose-lose situation, I think that's fair enough."
Lily smiled at his statement. "You know, secret relationships can be kind of hot," she told him with a wicked grin, trying to placate him.
James considerably brightened at that prospect, "My choice of place?"
"No, seriously, this is Remus's place! So not happening, it's sick enough that we're doing it at someone else's place as it is-- we really need to replace those sheets by the way."
"Oh, just get on with it so we can shag."
"You're such a guy," she told him in a disgusted tone, but trying to hide her inner amusement at his exclamation.
"Well, if I wasn't- you'd be a lesbian."
"What was the point of that one?"
"I don't know, it's really early, but the mental picture is pretty hot right now."
Lily laughed, "You're a loser."
"You love it."
"Don't push your luck."
"And shutting up now… what are my chances now?"
--
"I'm ready," Lily told him a week later as the two lay in her bed.
"For what?"
"You know."
"No, I really don't, I've stopped trying you guess with you, it's too confusing and I'm never right."
Lily laughed, "I'm ready to tell people."
"Wait, are you serious? You're not just doing this for me, because you know, if you are, I can get used to the whole secret thing, it means pity sex for me, so I'm okay, don't force yourself for me."
"Glad that ultimately all it equates to is a good shag," Lily quipped.
"No problem… and by the way it's not good, but great-seriously though, are you sure?"
"I'm going to tell Remus tomorrow, and you won't act shocked when he brings it up, got it?"
"More like if you do."
"No, when."
"Won't believe it until I see it love."
"Then get ready, love, because you're in for a shock."
"Look forward to it, but if it doesn't happen, I finally get to choose a place."
"Deal," Lily said, extending her hand to finalize the bet.
"No Lils, that's not how you do it," he told her, waving away her hand and pulling her in for a kiss instead. "That is."
"Oh really, Mr. Potter?"
"Yep."
"Well I think I'm going to need another lesson then as I never was a very quick learner."
"Now that I can most definitely do."
--
"So let me get this straight, you're dating James now?" Remus asked her incredulously the following day when Lily came to wake him up by breaking the news.
"Happy Christmas?" Lily smiled unsurely.
"First of all, don't you dare play that off as a Christmas present to me-it's tomorrow anyway; I expect a real one, although this is a rather good one to accompany it. Anyway, back onto the real matter at hand, you left him in bed- alone after shagging him?"
"Yeah so?"
Remus looked at her disbelievingly, "Aren't you the least bit worried about what his reaction will be when he sees you missing?"
"Well he can't honestly expect me to just lay in bed `staring at his sleeping figure' like some love struck girl."
"Love, I hate to break it to you, but you are some love struck girl."
"Doesn't mean I'm about to act like one," she grumbled.
"I'm not even going to try to understand your logic anymore, it's way too fucked up for me."
"Suit yourself."
"So when are you going to tell Sirius."
She looked up at him, confusion written all over her face, "Why would I?"
"What do you mean? Why wouldn't you?"
"I figured James would do it, he's the one that's friends with him," she shrugged.
Remus sighed, "You're annoying, you know that right?"
"How?"
"You're so afraid of getting your heart broken that you shy away from all the things that you really want in life."
"Wouldn't you if you went through what I did?" she asked him, more than slightly offended by his statement.
"Well it's not me that we're analyzing right now, now is it?"
"Wanker."
"Lily," Remus said with a stressed sigh. "Stop trying to deter from it, you know we have to talk about it."
"I don't run away from happiness," she grumbled stubbornly.
"Sure you don't."
"You're a wanker, you know that?" Lily told him as she threw a pillow at him.
"And you're avoiding the subject, got to say, that's not very proactive of you Lils," he teased her, wagging a finger in front of her face.
"You're an arse."
"We've covered that, now how about we talk about something interesting, like, oh I don't know your upcoming family reunion."
"Not going to happen," she told him in a sing song voice.
"If you'd stop being stubborn it would."
the most tender place in my heart is for strangers
I know it's unkind but my own blood is much too dangerous
hangin' round the ceiling half the time
hangin' round the ceiling half the time
"Remus," Lily said her facial expression sobering. "I've been hurt a lot, but most of all by him, you can't just leave something like that in the past. I gave up on believing in the whole carpe diem, fuck and be fucked mentality, it's too risky- the chances of getting hurt are too strong."
"Then maybe that's where you're getting it all wrong."
"What do you mean?"
"Before you couldn't afford it, I get it Lils, you pretty much had no one, but you have people by your side now. We'll always be there for you to help you if you fall, you don't have to be strong anymore, you can afford to be weak, to put your heart on the line."
Lily paused, "It's not-"
She, however, was interrupted by James walking into the room, "Should I be jealous of the fact that my girlfriend left my bed for yours, Remus?" he asked as he joined them on the bed pulling Lily into a kiss.
Remus laughed at the absurdity of the situation, "According to her you shouldn't expect her to sit around and watch you sleep like some love struck girl."
"Aw, Lils, you are a feminist after all."
"Shut up," Lily cried, "I am not!"
"Sure you're not, that wasn't a feminist response at all," Remus said, goading her.
"You guys are such arses, I'm going to eat," Lily said, leaving the room.
"I think I'm going to go after her," James said, finally pulling his gaze away form her arse as she walked out the room.
"I wouldn't do that if I were you."
"Why not?"
"Sirius is downstairs, heard him going down five minutes before you came in."
"You do realize that by not going down there we're practically giving him a death sentence, don't you?" James asked skeptically.
"Oh come on, it's not that bad."
James merely cocked an eyebrow response.
"Okay, yeah, maybe he is screwed, but we may as well give him a shot, he'd want one regardless."
"Whatever, if anything she'll be so angry she'll want to have sex."
"AH! She's like a sister to me, Prongs; don't say that in front of me!"
"What? She likes to shag when she's aggravated, what's so bad about that?" James asked, grinning at the reaction the statement got from Remus.
"That's it, I'm going to go take a shower, and you watch the telly or something, just stay away from me."
"Aw, Moony, don't you want to hear about this thing that she can do with cherries-"
James, however, was interrupted by Remus slamming the door halfway through the question.
--
Compared to some I've been around
but I really tried so hard
that echo chorus lied to me with its
"hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on"
"Oh, hi," Lily said, standing at the doorway awkwardly once she saw Sirius sitting at the island already eating breakfast.
"You can sit, you know, I don't bite," he told her with a weak smile, talking note of her reluctance.
"Oh, right," she said, blushing at the fact that he had noticed her discomfort.
"So how'd you sleep?"
"Pretty well."
"That's nice," he said and she could tell that he was restraining himself from saying anything more.
It was at that exact moment that she felt like she was in one of those cliché movies she had watched with one of her muggle-born friends where the lead character had a friend's words ringing through her head nonstop. All she could think about was Remus, and him telling her that she shouldn't be afraid to take the plunge, at least not anymore and it was at that moment that Lily made her decision.
"Um, you know, James and I got back together last night."
Sirius smiled, "Really? Well it's about time… I mean, I didn't know about it for very long or anything, but I can see it, you're both spit-fires. Your tempers work somehow…"
"This is awkward, isn't it?" Lily asked, purposefully avoiding his gaze as she began eating her chocolate crepe.
"Yeah it is-- I don't really know how to act around you."
Lily put down her food with a sigh, finally lifting her eyes to look at him, really look at him the first time that morning, "I honestly don't know what to do anymore, Sirius."
"What do you mean?"
In the end I was the mean girl
or somebody's in-between girl
now it's the devil I love
and that's as funny as real love
"I mean it's all so surreal, you finally wanting to get to know me… after all these years… I don't know how to react to it all."
"If it helps, I get it, I really do, and I understand if you can't forgive me-"
"I don't, and I think I'll always hold it against you in some way or another, because that's just who I am, I'm unintentionally spiteful and mean. I can't help it, it's the environment in which I was brought up," she interrupted him.
"Right," he said with a frown, getting up in a final attempt to secure his pride.
"But," Lily said, effectively stopping him dead in his tracks. "I don't live there anymore and we're each other's last chance at a family, at some semblance towards happiness. We need each other and I think I'm willing to put myself on the line."
Sirius turned to her unsurely, a smile on his face, "You are?"
I leave the party at three a.m.
alone, thank god
with a valium from the bride
it's the devil I love
and that's as funny as real love
and that's as real as true love
Lily bit her lip due to her nerves, "Just- just don't hurt me, Sirius, please, I can't take anymore, I was never as strong as I appeared to be, I'm just good at defending myself."
"I won't- I promise."
"You better not, or I swear I'll beat you with a stick."
Sirius smiled at how serious she was as she said that, "I'll make sure I keep my word."
That echo chorus lied to me with its
"hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on"
"Good."
"So, just so I know, what do we do now that we're going to give family bonding a try?"
Lily smiled, "How about we talk about some quidditch, that's always a great conversation starter and since we don't really know one another it'll all be new for us."
"Well, I guess it all depends on the team you're rooting for at the cup next year."
"I'm a Germany fan girl," she told him, wincing as she anticipated his reaction.
"Traitor," Sirius gasped.
"In my defense they are an amazing team, never manage to let me down."
"Bullocks."
--
"So what did you want?" she asked once she took a seat across from the man in the Leaky Cauldron.
He looked at her, scrutinizing her as he had done so many times before, "Can't a father just miss his daughter?"
"Not if he's a Black."
"Touché."
"Honestly, why did you want to meet with me?"
"Why so hostile, Lillian? I mean you did agree to meet with me, I don't see the reason for all this hostility."
"You wanted to meet in a public place, that's a first, can't deny the intrigue behind the request," she rationalized simply, turning her attention to the barkeeper. "Tom, can you please bring me a butter beer?"
"Sure thing, Lils," he responded.
"Decided on an answer yet?" she asked him when she returned her attention to him.
"When are you going to come back home?"
Lily snorted slightly, "Are you really asking me that? I mean seriously?"
"Do you see me laughing?" he cocked an eyebrow at her, challenging her as he had done so many times before.
"Well it's a well known fact that Blacks don't laugh, so how am I supposed to know when you are?" she smirked at him, enjoying the aggravation that her teasing caused him.
It was that moment that Tom arrived with her drink and the firewhiskey for the elder Black.
They both took their drinks, sipping them, staring at one another; never voicing their thoughts, but the picture of the two staring at one another was intimidating enough to not require words.
Lily set down her drink, tapping her fingers on the table, "no."
"What?" he asked her, confused as to what she was referring to.
"No, I won't come back."
"Then what are you going to do?" he asked her disbelievingly.
"I don't know… travel the world, meet new people, find happiness," she shrugged, running her finger along the rim of her glass as she avoided his intense gaze.
"Blacks don't do love," he told her, quickly realizing as to what she was referring to with her statement. "No matter how appealing it may seem, no matter how much we may want it we can never have it, it's just not in our future."
She raised her head up, looking at him with pity for the first time in her life. "Sometimes it's just time for a change, a break from the pattern," and that, she left.
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author's note: and that's all she wrote… literally
as for the real dilemma in question: I know, I know, I'm horrible, and I'm so sorry for that, but this chapter was just such a bitch to write (that's awfully crude, I know, but it sums up how I felt about it the best). I've spent so much time rewriting this, trying to find a way to make it work (I have 10 drafts and different endings to prove it too). I'm total shit at endings and I didn't want to do that to this fic, I didn't want to totally screw it up seeing as I actually like this fic.
So I'm sorry, I tried, I really did, but in between all of my drafts and beta's hectic schedule, this was the fastest that I could get it up, I only hope that you'll forgive me for it and review (and please do, it's the last chapter so those of you that never did I'd really appreciate it if you at least did for this chapter, the final one)
Anyway, hope you all enjoyed it!
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