Chapter VIII: The Trouble with "Evil"
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(Previously):
Once Sirius and James were out of earshot Remus turned to Lily and said, "There is something that I want to ask you Lils, and now that we are alone it just makes sense to ask."
"Fire away," she could tell that it was serious; the inner conflict over whether or not he really even wanted to know was evident upon his face.
"Would you have really killed Peter if he didn't tell you, or if you later found out that he lied?"
"Remus," she sighed, all the while asking herself: Why hadn't I expected that question? "You have to understand something…"
"…to do an unforgivable you have to have this hatred- this passionate, unadulterated hatred in you that you just feel compelled to exercise on something. It's not so much a means of liberating yourself from the hatred as it is to utilize it to empower you, make you feel in control. After that it just grows within you because the tricky thing is, it gives you this deluded sense of control, but the thing with hatred is, you can't ever control it, it's just too strong if you manage to actually feel like that. That's why it's so rare to escape it, although some can," she said as she thought of Sirius.
"I guess that the only question now is whether or not you have the hatred to go through with it," he said not really looking at her for fear of the fact that he'd be pushing the boundaries too much with that question since Lily was such an introverted person.
"Kind of wounded my ego there for asking that one," she smiled. "But no, I couldn't even if I wanted to. What I said to Peter, it was just a bluff. I know the rumors that go around about me, my father always claimed that I had done it before, I just used that as leverage."
"I don't get it, if you despise them so much why do you stay with them?"
"Few friends are by your side when you have a family like mine, either they leave you or my family finds a way to end the relationship. Then there's the fact that I'd have to explain why I want to stay with the friend. Not to mention, few know about it all; Carter is the only one, other than you, that I totally trust and actually told about the situation, you're the only two to stay with. Carter's parents, however, weren't as accepting, they aren't that fond of my lineage, not that I can blame them, but that also leaves me with no place to go."
"Stay with me," Remus suddenly offered, appearing extremely excited by the prospect.
The offer had shocked her it was totally unexpected, and she was touched by it. "Remus, I appreciate the offer, it means so much to me, but I can't. You're from a pure blooded family that isn't connected with the dark arts, don't you see a pattern there that would make me unwelcome?"
Remus smiled as he threw an arm over her shoulder, "Lilykins, when will you understand that I'm friends with Sirius as well. Where do you think he was last summer?"
"Oh, I thought that he always stayed with James."
"He usually does, but last summer James had to stay with an aunt because his parents, they're Aurors, had a mission. So what do you say?"
"I'd love to."
"Now all I have to do is convince Sirius to stay as well."
"Shut up, bloody wanker."
"You know that you love me Lily-Billy."
--
"Hey, Sirius! Wait for me!" James yelled as he ran to catch up with a seething Sirius, Peter's body levitating after him.
"Why did she have to be right?" he asked through gritted teeth.
"Sirius, don't blame it on her. I mean you said it yourself; if it wasn't for her the whole thing wouldn't have been handled nearly as well. Plus if she didn't tell us about it who knows what else your family would have found out."
"I know," he said as he sat himself on the bench near by. "I guess that it doesn't matter anyway, the only reason that she even did it was because Remus saved her life and she didn't want to be `indebted' to him, or something like that."
James looked at him incredulously, "Sirius, shut up. You're an idiot sometimes, you don't know her, you just know some rumors about her. Why won't you just give her a chance?"
"Well what if I do give her a chance, and then she just proves that what I initially assumed was true?"
"It's not true, she's not like that, but don't you think that it is worth the risk anyway?"
"The risk?!" at that point Sirius was completely hysterical as he jumped off of the bench. "Are you talking about the risk of being sent to Azkaban?"
", I took a risk with you, didn't I? You're a Black and I befriended you despite that, so did Remus. Listen, if you won't do it for the sake of having some family that is actually decent, then do it for us. Return the favor that we did by befriending you."
"Why do you care so much? I know that Remus is sentimental about the fact that she knows his secret and won't tell anyone, but what about you? I haven't seen you say more than five words to her."
"I don't know if I can tell you."
"Why not?" Sirius was truly hurt that James wouldn't tell him, after all wasn't he his best friend? "Tell me, I'll talk to her if you do. I promise."
"You won't like it, Sirius-"
"Try me, how bad could it possibly be?"
"In your opinion, pretty bad… listen, just talk to her first, make amends, and then I'll tell you. I promise, just do this for me."
"But what if I am right about her?" Sirius asked adamantly.
"Then you're wrong, we're all wrong. Life goes on."
"You don't get it, James."
"What is it?"
"I don't have a family like you, James, everyone left me, betrayed me. You have people by your side, I don't. I can't afford to have her let me down like the rest of them did, and given what I've heard about her, and what I saw just now the odds really aren't in my favor."
"But what if you're wrong, won't you regret it? It's your one chance at a decent family member, and you pushed her away."
"Can we just drop it? I really don't want to talk about this now," Sirius said.
"Fine."
--
"I won't be able to expel him, you are aware of that, aren't you?" Dumbledore told them.
"I figured," James sighed.
"I'm sorry, boys; I know that this whole ordeal must be very difficult for you, and I know how frustrating it may be that I can't do more. Trust me, I feel the same way. What Peter did, it's horrible, but I can't expel him for it no matter how much I may want to."
"Is there anything that can be done?" Sirius asked.
"I could move him out of your room," Dumbledore suggested. "Actually, I could talk to him about changing houses, have the hat reevaluate him. If the hat has a different answer this could help with keeping you boys away from him, seeing as how your family seems to want you."
"That would probably be for the best," Sirius sighed.
"Do you have any notion as to what they would want Sirius?"
"I don't know, I may have left the place, but they were close to kicking me out anyway, took me off the family tree too."
"Look into that Sirius, I need to know why."
"Sure, but listen can we go? It's all still a bit fresh and I'm just trying to process it."
"Of course," Dumbledore told them with a smile. "Oh and boys, thank Ms. Black for me, will you?"
"Sure," James told him as the two left the office.
"So he may not even be in the same house as us," James said as the two walked down the hall, making their way back to the dorms.
"Yeah, probably for the best, even if I'd like to keep an eye on him, by living with him he'd be able to spy on us."
"At least Remus took away the memories of him being an Animagus, so he won't be able to sneak around without us knowing."
"You think? How do you know he did that?" Sirius asked.
"It's Remus, enough said."
"Good point," Sirius smiled.
"So I think you should be the one to tell Lily that Dumbledore sends his thanks."
"James-"
"No, no, just hear me out. I get it okay, I thought about it and what you said makes sense, but just trusts me on this, she's not like that.
"How can you be so sure? You haven't even spent that much time with her."
"I can't tell you-not yet, just take my word for it."
Sirius paused for a second, taking in what he had just said, "I'll talk to her, but you- you have to tell me how you're so sure first."
"After," James said.
"Fine-but you should know that I'm not making any promises, we may not end up friends," Sirius told him.
"Just talk to her Sirius."
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