Chapter X: Above and Below
Song: Above and Below by the Bravery
--
Sometimes I feel like I wanna leave this place for good
Under the ground - I'll live down there without a sound
And never hear these hissing voices all the same
I'll disappear 'cause living makes me feel ashamed
I must believe there's more above us and below
I must believe, stranded with this bitch called hope
It keeps me here when all I wanna do is go
It keeps me here when all I wanna do is disappear
--
20 July 1980
"You know what's odd?"
"What?" she asked curiously.
"Here we are, talking about all of these terrible things that went on during our relationship, but all I seem to be able to think about is your birthday last year."
A small smile tugged at her lips upon hearing that admission. "That was a pretty good vacation; I honestly can't remember a better spent birthday."
"I'm glad to hear it, I rather enjoyed it myself."
"What gave you the idea to do that anyway?-I mean it's not really your sort of a thing to do."
"I remembered how you once told me about how, as a child, you'd always thought it was so unfair how it seemed as if only boys were ever allowed to go on camping retreats-how sexist it was for it to be solely a male bonding experience. Plus, a mate of mine is big on that sort of a thing so I asked him for some advice and he pointed me to that beach in Greece, apparently it's famous among the locals. Just thought you might like a chance to finally fulfill that childhood wish and break the precedent, so to speak," he admitted with a shrug.
"It really was a great two weeks, James."
"Good."
They sat in silence, it was odd how awkward it all was-while, logically speaking, it may have been normal for a couple to feel a bit out of sorts in each other's company when a divorce seemed to be in the imminent future it was just so alien to James and Lily. Everything felt so discombobulated and neither really knew what to make of it, even during their far too many breakups it had never been quite like that, they'd always known exactly what to say-exactly which buttons to push.
He sighed.
The sound alone was somewhat relieving to Lily, at least it wasn't that tense silence; the act alone seemed to somehow cut a bit of the anxiety and edge from the air.
"We were never perfect Lils," he finally said. "But… well, you and I always just worked. We fought, a lot, called each other names, mocked each other, hurt each other on numerous occasions-we've been through it all really. Yet, somehow, nonetheless, it always just worked for us, for some inexplicable reason."
"We're rather screwy like that, aren't we?" she agreed with a small breath of a laugh.
"Yeah," he nodded. "But it worked for us. Plus, we had our good times Lils-and those were great, nothing could compare to them. Why can't we go back to that time, Lils? We've argued and broken up before-more so than should be considered healthy, but we worked through it nevertheless. Why not give it one more go, we've never been the sort to let something put us down anyway, why start now?"
She sniffed; it felt like she had cried so much that the tears just couldn't come anyway, but her body somehow still managed to shake with a dry pain that reverberated throughout her entire body, sending an awfully familiar sense of loss and discontent, just minus the actual tears. Life really was cruel like that.
"I want to… I want to so much, but I can't James."
--
If this is it
All we have and ever will
If this is it
Time is running out and standing still
I'll leave today, 'cause there's nothing left to keep me here
I'll fade away, I'll turn my back and disappear
--
12 May 1980
"Cor, I don't even know what to say," I admitted as I stood at the podium of my parents' funeral. "Truth is my mum and dad would have hated this. If they could say anything right now it'd be that we're all a lot of dolts for wasting our time shedding tears when there's so much good in the world to celebrate instead. In fact, the made me promise never to cry over them-that, if anything, that'd be a disgrace to their memory and to everything they'd tried so hard to instill in me-but here I am, breaking my promise," I smiled as I wiped away a stray tear. "They were a crazy pair and a happy one at that. I think that that's what was so great and memorable about them though, the fact that they were so full of life-believed in it so much. They didn't believe in pain or pity, even at the worst of times they were optimistic and held onto the belief that it'd all work itself out in the end because of the karmic balance, or whatever the hell it was that they attributed it to. So, I guess all I can say is here's to them," I finished, ignoring all of the applause as I made my way off the stage and to the W.C.
I broke down when I finally walked into the stall-but the worst thing about it was that I wasn't even crying over them anymore, but over us of all things. How selfish is that?
The truth, though, is that they had only ever wanted me to be happy and make sure that I lived life to the fullest-that's all they'd ever asked of me. They didn't care if I was brilliant, rich, talented, or charming; they only ever wanted me to be satisfied with myself and my life, but there I was, and I wasn't delivering, even on the most menial of requests.
I wasn't happy anymore and you didn't see me breaking right before you. I couldn't be invincible anymore; I couldn't fight a lost cause anymore, not when there clearly wasn't any salvation for us anymore.
I needed to leave.
--
The city moans, it lunges up right from the ground
The seething earth, it opens up and spits us out
It's a vicious child, nature never wanted us
This vicious child, a cancer burning black into its heart
If this is it - all we have and ever will
If this is it - time is running out and standing still
I'll leave today, 'cause there's nothing left to keep me here
I'll fade away, I'll turn my back and disappear
--
20 July 1980
"But I can't, I just can't, James, not anymore. I've learned to pick my battles by now, and this is just one that's too painful to fight."
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