Chapter IX: Split Me Wide Open
Song: Split Me Wide Open by the Bravery
--
Split me wide open and look right inside
There's so many things that I tried to hide
Oh you see right through me
You always see right through me
--
20 July 1980
"What changed then? What made you feel like it wasn't worth the fight anymore because, Lily, I've got a hell of a lot more fight in me and I don't see why you can't find it in your heart to let me try-to let me make up for my mistakes."
She sighed, rolling her head to try alleviate herself of a growing crick in it-even after months of living at the hotel she still wasn't used to the bed, it seemed as if the only place in which she could get a proper nights sleep was in her and James's bed.
Life really was a manipulative bitch.
"I grew up, smelled the flowers, so to speak-I finally realized that you can't hold onto a façade forever, sooner or later it'll break and the longer you hold onto it the harder you'll fall when it does happen."
He turned to look at her, eying her curiously as she determinedly kept her eyes trained on the wall opposite to them. "That's pretty pessimistic, especially for you Lils."
"Well a lot's happened to get me here."
--
Split me wide open, and cut me in two
There's nothing that I could ever hide from you
Oh you always knew me, you're the only one who knew me
Is nothing sacred, is nothing saved?
Your gentle eyes like a razor blade
They cut me open, you look right through
I give it all to you
--
1 May 1980
I needed you. I really just needed you to be there for me, by my side, holding me and telling me that everything would be okay, even if that was a lie. I just needed your support, to be in your arms and feel safe and protected as I waited for the doctor to come out and update me on my parents' surgery.
I was so scared and so alone James, it was horrible. There I was, practically having a nervous breakdown in the waiting room, and all I could do was enviously watch Vernon coddle Petunia. I felt so powerless, so lost, so broken.
I tried to call you repeatedly, but all I ever got was you answering machine so I was forced to leave you a message telling you about my parents' automobile accident. There I was, bawling, and all I had to console me was your bloody voicemail. All I could do was hope that you'd find it soon and come right away.
But you didn't.
You did, however, rush in three hours later apologizing, saying that you got held up in some last minute meeting over some pathetic excuse of an attempt at a hostile takeover and hadn't had a chance to check your messages.
But as you sat there-rambling on and on about why you were late, business-I just stared at you, rendered utterly speechless as I watched you. I realized something then, and it was rather disconcerting really.
I realized that I was surprised that you had even shown up at all.
--
Pinned to a wall, I am hung from a tree
For these drooling faces, they can look up and see
But you always knew me, you're the only one who knew me
Oh you see right through me, you always see right through me
--
20 July 1980
"You don't want to do this Lils, I know you don't."
She snorted lightly, letting out a dispassionate laugh. "You always did know me James, better than anyone else I think. But, still, there's a fine line between what we want and what we have to do, isn't there?"
And with a defeated sigh from James silence overtook them yet again.
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