Chapter II: This Is Not the End
Song: This is Not the End by The Bravery
--
Tell me
Come on tell me what you can
Even as you wait for death your wiser than I am
Tell me what does it mean to exist
I am not a scientist I must believe there's more than this
And I can not accept
That everything that's real
Is only what our eyes can see
And our hands can feel
Not even earth can hold us
Not even life controls us
Not even the ground can keep us down
The memories in my head
Are just as real as the time we spent
You'll always be close to me
My friend
This is not the end
--
20 July 1980
"So…"
He raised his head, from his hands, to look at her; a wry smile alleviating the marred countenance that had previously overtook his face. "So…"
She let out a soft breath of a laugh at his response. "You know I hate it when you do that."
He shrugged, "Don't really know what else to do anymore, to tell you the truth."
She nodded slowly, "Can I ask you something?"
"Anything."
"Do-do you think we ever really stood a chance, or was it just meant for failure?"
"Our marriage?"
She nodded.
"No-I doubt it was ever meant to end up as screwed up as it did. And I won't ever believe that it was. Despite what you might think I still honestly believe that we're perfect for one another-that we didn't make a mistake in marrying each other."
A small smile tugged at her lips, "I don't regret it, you know."
"Then why end it?"
She shrugged, "I'm just-I'm tired of fighting, of crying."
"I-I never wanted to hurt you."
"I know, and I didn't want to hurt you either. I guess, in the end though, none of that really mattered. We still did it anyway, didn't we?"
He groaned, "Where did it go wrong Lily? What the hell happened? How did we even get here?"
"We didn't realize that sometimes love isn't enough-you can't just stop nurturing it, we took the easy way out, I guess."
"But what happened, we used to be happy-we were amazing together," he persisted, relentlessly searching for an answer. Desperate to find some solution, some logical reasoning behind how it all went to hell-he needed it.
"Sometimes there's not a how or when-there's just an 'it did.'"
He shook his head adamantly, "I won't accept that Lily-I just won't. Not with you."
"Then what do you need from me James?"
"I need to know why you gave up on us. The whole story, everything.
"There was no when-"
"-or where," he finished for her. "Yeah, I got that. But if you're going to put me through hell like this Lils, I'm taking you down with me. Now talk."
"About what?" she exclaimed. "What could I possibly say to make any of this any easier James?"
"Just talk," he told her, shrugging slightly as he made the simple request.
"What about?"
"Us."
She let out a deep sigh as she nodded slowly. "Okay… let's start from the beginning then."
--
I see
I can see you're still afraid
Weathered like the silver moon, on you even fear looks good
I wish, I wish I had some words to give
But all that I can think to say
Is I'll be with you everyday
--
15 June 1975
"Do you like cheese?" you had suddenly burst out. The two of us were at that posh little Italian place with the amazing manicotti-remember that one?
It was hilarious to watch you fiddling with that napkin on your lap so nervously. How you actually spilled your water when you tried to take a sip of it-I honestly thought Sirius had pulled a prank on you or something by charming it to cause you to dribble as you drank. Imagine my surprise when I realized that it wasn't him. Nope, it had been all you. The bloke that I was in love with was incapable of drinking from a glass properly.
"Nope, not really that big of a fan of it-too strong for me. I tend to be picky about it when I eat it," I answered honestly. I couldn't help but eye you a bit wearily as I said the words-there was just something so off about it all. I kept on asking myself where was my James-that self-assured, cocky bastard?
"Oh."
"May I ask why you felt compelled to ask me that?"
"Remus always said that it's a great conversation starter," was your explanation.
I stared at you blankly; my jaw even went slack at hearing that response. "Well it didn't seem to work all that well for us."
"No, it didn't, did it?" you asked, as if realization of the fact finally dawned upon you-it was quite pathetic really.
"Ever think that it might just be a joke?" I offered, trying to bite back a smile at your naivety. It was quite cute, really.
"That… that might make a bit more sense." you slowly agreed.
I couldn't help but snigger at the extent of your idiocy sometimes. "What's going on James? Because this-this is really getting ridiculous."
"I'm nervous," you blurted out awkwardly.
"Somehow I managed to notice that," I tried to break that one to you as lightly as I could-it was really hard to hold back the laughter as I spoke. "Only question now is why."
You let out such a deep sigh, it was rather pathetic. You just looked so defeated, hopeless.
"I wanted to do something original, you know. I even had all of these ideas, and almost done it on numerous occasions, like when I took you on that hot air balloon when we were in Corsica last month, but somehow I never seem to be able to man up and just do it. Lils… I love-" you stuttered, and even though I could tell what was coming, when you actually uttered those next four words I couldn't help but stop breathing in my state of surprise nonetheless. "Will you marry me?"
I nodded slowly, a small smile gracing my face as you took out the perfect ring, a simple diamond set in a white gold band. It wasn't one of those horribly ostentatious things that I always like to mock or anything, it was perfect. I remember thinking how well you knew me. Far better than I had ever realized too.
"I promise to try not to muck things up too often from now on," you had promised me, attempting to put the ring on me. "Even if it did take me about fifteen attempts to finally as you…" you added.
"It's okay," I managed to choke out as I bit my lip shyly. "I always found all of your little screw ups quite endearing. And I'm used to putting up with your shit by now anyway."
--
I don't care
I don't care what you believe
As long as you are in my heart
You're just as real as me
Maybe
Maybe even more
Someone who's touched so many lives
can never, ever die
--
20 July 1980
"Bloody hell that night was horrible for me," he admitted, emitting a soft chuckle.
"You know, oddly enough-I loved you like that. It made me feel as if there weren't any pretenses, it was just you and me. It felt like I could finally really see you. And it helped me realize that you really did love me, just as much as I did you," she confessed.
"It was always you Lils, despite my mucking things up on numerous occasions. It was only ever you for me," he promised her.
She smiled shyly as she felt a hot heat spreading through her face upon hearing those words. "Same for me, James."
"Then how can you just leave, why won't you fight for us Lils. I love you-I need you, here you are just throwing away everything that we've worked so hard for. We've all made our fair share of mistakes throughout this relationship, but we can move on, so long as it's you and me it's possible, you remember that, don't you?"
She smiled softly, shaking with tears that were quickly beginning to overtake her. "You promised me," she sniffled, "the night before our wedding that I would never have to worry about us, that we were unbreakable."
He nodded as he slowly moved off his seat across from her and crawled towards her side of the lift, touching a hand to her cheek as he wiped away a tear. "It still holds true Lils, so long as you believe it."
"But I can't James, not anymore," she whispered.
-->