Chapter V: Time Won't Let Me Go
Song: Time Won't Let Me Go by the Bravery
--
Whenever I look back
On the best days of my life
I think I saw them all on T.V.
I am so homesick now for
Someone that I never knew
I am so homesick for
Someplace I will never be
--
20 July 1980
"There's a lot I didn't tell you. A lot that you missed out on over the past few years, James," she admitted, keeping her eyes trained on her nervous hands.
He turned to her, raising an inquisitive eyebrow as he suspiciously asked her, "Like what?"
She bit her lip as she tried to avoid his suspicious gaze, she hated the whole Spanish Inquisition-esque turn that their conversation had taken on ever since they had gotten on that bloody lift. Talking was supposed to make things easier; it was supposed to be a therapeutic release of all those damning secrets, fears, and guilt that she had kept contained within her for so long. So why the hell did it feel more like torture than liberating?
"Psychologists are full of it, you know," she suddenly burst out.
"What?"
She rolled her eyes. "I went to see a psychologist a while ago… you know, after everything with my parents, and she told me that talking to you would make things easier. That's a lie, in reality, it just feels like hell."
"Well you haven't done any real talking yet Lils," he noted.
"Yes I have," she refuted.
"You admitted one thing-you're a red head, one that abides by the cliché no less. I'm sure that there is a lot more frustration in you that has to do with me, more that you could tell me."
She shrugged.
"Just tell me Lils."
"I-I don't want to hurt you though," she admitted, not missing the paradoxical logic behind that statement.
"Hell, I'd say I probably deserve it-even if I might resent you for it at first. You know how I can be."
"Yeah, that damn ego of yours," she smiled softly.
"Exactly-now tell me something, anything. I hate this whole no talking thing we have going on here, if you want us to end it's going to take a lot more than just giving me some papers to get me to sign them. I want, at the very least, to have some sense of closure, to know what happened."
She paused, continuing to pick at her nails-but moving on from her cuticles to chipping off the scarlet colored nail polish she had on from that manicure she got the day before. Logically speaking, it should have been a waste-but, as far as she was concerned, it was the best form of stress relief she had ever tried.
"There was this one thing last year…"
"What was it?" he asked her, almost cautiously-a fact that struck a chord with her. It just wasn't natural anymore. It was as if they were both walking on thin ice; afraid of the other-of what they might think, say.
Good God, how had it come to that?
"I had taken a shift as an on-the-field healer, and there was a small accident…"
"How small Lily?" he asked her through gritted teeth, quickly catching on to where she was going with that admission-a prospect that scared him to no end.
She shrugged.
"How small Lily?" he growled.
"I may have taken a curse for a trainee so that they wouldn't be hit by it…" she whispered so quietly that he actually had to strain to hear her.
He groaned, "Lily!-wait, why didn't I know about that?!"
"Well, see… that's where the story really starts."
--
Time won't let me go
Time won't let me go
If I could do it all again
I'd go back and change everything
But time won't let me go
I never had a 'Summer of 69'
Never had a Cherry Valance of my own
All these precious moments
You promised me would come in time
So where was I when I missed mine?
--
9 January 1979
"Lils, he has a right to know," Jason persisted, begging me to call you, to tell you what had happened.
I shook my head adamantly. "No," I whimpered. "I just-I can't do it, I can't have him use work as an excuse not to come-"
"He wouldn't do that, he loves you, and as your best mate it's my duty to force you to call him you stubborn little bint," he teased me.
I tried to smile-but, in all reality, it was a rather pathetic attempt that even I, who couldn't see it no less, knew looked more like a grimace than anything else. "I just-I can't take that risk, it's not worth it."
"He wouldn't-"
I raised a hand to stop him. "Don't-don't make me do it Jason. I need whatever hope I have left; I want to hold onto that little grain of it. If-if he were to say that he needed to finish up a meeting first or something I'm not sure what I would do with myself. I need to be able to believe in him, at least for the sake of marriage. Try to understand, please. I just-I can't have my heart broken… not again."
He shook his head slowly as he clenched his jaw, so obviously trying to restrain the urge to strangle me right then and there-I think that the only thing that stopped him was how utterly pathetic and weak I looked, sitting there in the critical injuries ward at St. Mungo's.
"You're making a mistake."
"Probably," I admitted with a nod. "But I'll be able to live with that. A what if is far better than a possible heartbreak."
He sighed as he took my hand in his, squeezing it lightly. "You can't just live a lie like this forever Lils."
"Maybe not, but for now it'll do-I'll wait it out."
"You need to talk to him-sooner or later you'll need to confront him," he told me.
"I just-I don't want him to feel trapped, for him to resent me later for holding him back… I mean, look at him. He's doing so well for himself, he's happier than I've ever seen him-"
"And you're more depressed than I've ever seen you."
I winced at the truth behind that statement-having him actually vocalize that fact hurt far more than anything else. It just made it seem all the more real. "Small price to pay for love, right?"
"That's a trite and overrated saying; you know that as much as I do Lils."
I shrugged. "Well, maybe there's some truth to it-maybe it's an oldie, but a goodie."
"That was a horrible joke there," he said in that always brutally honest manner of his.
"Yeah," I admitted with a sigh, "I know, but it brings me the hope that I need."
"You can't always live off of hope though-at some point you're finally going to have to face reality. Don't wait too long or you really will lose him Lils."
"Maybe what he needs is time-"
Jason shook his head. "You're both so delusional, you know that? He doesn't see what he's doing to you and you don't see that you're letting him break both of your hearts. James has always been a bit ignorant to affairs of the heart; you should be leading him on this one, Lils. He loves you, he'd do anything for you. Sometimes, though, he just needs a little bit of direction," he advised me with a crooked grin as he poked fun at out relationship.
My mouth twitched slightly, despite the morbid disposition that our conversation had taken on, there was an undeniable and charming truth to that statement.
"I want him to be happy, Jason, that's all I've ever wanted for him."
"Have you ever noticed that he's only ever really happy when you are?"
--
If I could go back once again
I would change everything, yeah
If I could go back once again
I'd do it all so much better
Time won't let me go
Time won't let me go
If I could do it all again
I'd go back and change everything
But you won't ever let me go
--
20 July 1980
"I knew there was a reason why I always liked that bloke," he muttered.
She scoffed at that statement. "Oh please, you always thought he was in love with me or something."
"And I still do. But, you know, apart from that, I always thought he was a decent enough chap."
She rolled her eyes. "You're such a liar."
"And you're stubborn as hell," he pointed out with a smirk, turning to look at her
"Tell me something new," she waved him off with a small smile.
"Okay-how about, you should have called me. I would have been there, you know?"
"We all make choices, James, and that was mine."
"I deserved to know."
"Yeah, well we all deserved, and wanted a lot of things, doesn't mean we got them, does it?"
"Doesn't mean we can't change that either," he retorted.
She groaned, "James-"
"Oh don't act as if you weren't expecting that, Lils. It's you, I'm not about to give up that easily. You should know that much at least."
She sighed as she raised her hands to her face, slowly rubbing it in a desperate attempt to rid herself of the frustration she was feeling at the moment. It was a pathetic logic that, while admittedly irrational, worked for her, given the circumstances.
"I tried James, I tried to hold on. But I've met my breaking point. Why can't you understand that? Why does it always have to come back to this with you?"
"Because I love you," he told her, bringing a hand to her chin, cupping it, gently goading her to turn to him. "We've been through far too much for it to end over something so stupid as my blindness."
"Isn't it the little things that always make a difference though?"
"And aren't those always the ones that are easiest to change?" he challenged.
"That's what I thought-what I had hoped," she admitted before tugging her face from his grasp, and returning her gaze to her lap.
He, on the other hand, just stared at her as she clenched her jaw, obliviously holding back a storm of anger that she would have once so easily unleashed upon him. A sad realization struck him as he become conscious of the fact that she no longer even wanted to yell at him. What the hell had happened to them?
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