Chapter VI: Tragedy Bound
Song: Tragedy Bound by The Bravery
--
Tragedy Bound
Looking for clues
I'm starting to suspect she likes abuse
I'm starting to feel like she doesn't
feel
Is there anybody in there?
--
20 July 1980
"Why hasn't anyone made a move to start the lift again?" she suddenly asked him, finally making a move to interrupt the silence that had overtaken them.
He shrugged. "They probably checked who was in here and saw that it was me that stopped the ruddy thing."
"Cameras?"
He nodded.
"I didn't know that this building had such a muggle influence," she commented.
He shrugged. "Figure it should, given that I have dealings with them as well."
"Oh."
"Yeah," he nodded.
They sat in silence, James staring at the designs on the wall opposite to them as Lily just kept her gaze fixed on her hands that were resting in her lap.
Lily sighed, biting her lip as she shifted in her seat in discomfort. Despite the fact that it was oddly comfortable just sitting on the floor of the lift, the mood of the place made her more and more ill at ease with every passing second. The only thing that could possibly make the whole experience any worse would be to have some God forsaken clock there just ticking loudly to add to her aggravation-she had always hated those blasted things.
"But surely there are other people that need to use this lift," she suddenly burst out, desperate to leave behind that awkward hush that they had been sitting in for so long-or, at least, what felt like ages.
He shrugged again. "I own the blasted building, I'd say I'm fully entitled to reap whatever benefits there are from that," he gruffly told her with a definite bitter undertone to his words. "Besides there are other lifts that the others can surely make do with."
"You're an arse," she said, almost cautiously teasing him, in a desperate attempt to leave that morbid atmosphere that they seemed to be trapped in.
"Yeah, well, I never really denied that fact-and, honestly, right about now I couldn't care less," he basely told her with a distinct frown that was practically plastered onto his face given how deeply etched it was.
She nodded as she, for the first time on her own will, raised her head and looked at him. "James?"
He turned to face her. "Yeah?"
"I-I have to tell you something James, and… well-you probably won't like it…" she stumbled.
His eyebrows furrowed in confusion as he gave her a quizzical look. "What is it?" he testily asked her, slightly afraid of whatever admission it was that she was going to make.
She bit her lip lightly. "You know how a few years back you thought that Sirius or Remus played a prank on you by placing a reducto on mini-James?"
"Yeah…"
"Well there's a good reason as to why neither of them ever admitted to that one…"
His eyes widened as comprehension dawned upon him. "Lily, you-you didn't-"
"Afraid I did," she admitted with a wince.
"But-but why would you do that? I thought you always said he was an invaluable member in you life."
"Yeah, but he's more important to you than me," she reasoned.
"Still what the hell made you want to do that?" he exclaimed, totally frazzled by the fact that she was the person who had forced him to spend five hours trying to undo a shrinking spell on his member.
"Well it was sort of spurned on by something else…"
--
Tragedy Bound
I feel sick
Her daddy was killed, her feelings were mixed
He wore a hole in her skin, now all the boys look in
Is there anybody in there?
--
12 July 1979
It was the first time I had seen you in a month since you had been away, working on a merger with some muggle telecommunications company. You had sent me a dress-a bloody floral thing that was so opposite from my style that I actually had to bite back the urge to gag at the mere sight of it-and asked me to meet you at the Caldwells' since you'd be taking a portkey straight there from wherever it was that you were. I don't know why, but I decided to go anyway-despite that horrid dress, despite the fact that you would rather go to a brunch than spend some quality time with me upon your return. I missed you and that was enough for me.
When I got there you gave me a peck on the cheek. A bloody peck on the cheek of all things. I wanted to slap you right then and there-what the hell could have possibly compelled you to greet me like that and expect me to take it lying down, I have no idea. What's worse, though, is that I actually did accept it-I let you do it and didn't say anything.
As we sat there, eating our salads-God, I hate salads, they're really much too green for my taste-and I realized something. It was like this sudden epiphany that hit me full force, out of nowhere but left such an impact on me nonetheless.
I realized, then, that we were everything that I'd ever hated. Looking at all of those cold and distant couples around us, I noticed that we were no longer the people that were on the outside looking in, but instead had somehow managed to immerse ourselves in that society to that point in which we had assimilated to it, become one of them. We no longer sent each other those secretive smile, had those private little jokes of ours, or even felt the compulsion to constantly somehow be touching the other-be it a hand on the small of my back or lacing our fingers together as we had always done in the past. We weren't Lily and James anymore, we were just two people that used to know one another long ago.
I got up from the table then, ignoring your questioning look as I left my seat, I apparated away. In reality, I only went to the gate-I just didn't want you to follow me, or have the chance to coerce me into returning, you always did have that hold over me.
When I got there I just started walking. I walked for hours on end, not really even sure of where I was going-or paying attention to the fact that I was in heels, somehow the discomfort from that or anything else just didn't exist. I was in my own world, perfectly oblivious to everything else.
I didn't stop when it started drizzling; I didn't even feel an urge to apparate back home when it started pouring. I just walked, letting my feet lead me wherever they wished.
In the end, I found myself at this little theatre that I had become increasingly fond of over the years-ever since I had found it two months after our wedding I visited it once a month to watch a film-I went in and watched Revenge of the Pink Panther. I didn't laugh once.
As I was exiting the theatre I found Remus and Sirius waiting, at the front entrance, for me.
"What are you doing here?" I asked.
"I figured you'd be here, know how much you love the place," Remus admitted with a shrug.
"Did you tell-?"
"No," Sirius assured me. "He's been sick with worry though, just so you know."
"Over what the others will think?" I asked wryly, rolling my eyes as I let them lead me to Remus's car.
"Come on Lily, he loves you, you know that," Remus told me as he put the keys in the ignition and a low rumbling was ignited by the engine-one that somehow just calmed me, it was odd, and a sound that I usually abhorred, but therapeutic nonetheless.
"I keep on trying to remember that one," I muttered as Remus drove us to the manor while Sirius sat by me in the backseat, comfortingly rubbing my back the entire time.
--
All her life, she's bound to lose
Tragedy bound
If I met this man
What would I say? How could I speak
How could I speak
--
20 July 1980
"I wasn't worrying over what the others would think-just so you know," he muttered, and as assuring as the words were meant to be there was an obvious undertone of frustration to it that made his aggravation more than clear.
"Not even a little bit?" she couldn't help but goad him.
"No!" he exclaimed, yelling at her for the first time in-well, ever. Throughout their entire relationship-the past fifteen years that they've known one another-he'd never once shouted, maybe raised his voice a bit, but it never came to that point. It was a daunting fact that scared Lily more than a little.
"I've fucked up a lot of things, and I'm willing to take responsibility for that fact Lils, but I won't have you belittle my feelings for you like that. That's something that I'll never be willing to accept-even from you."
"Can't blame me for asking," she said with a small, pained smile
"Want to bet?" he gruffly asked her with a distinct frown implanted onto his face.
"I-I didn't mean to offend you, you know? I just can't help but wonder at times-after all that we've been through, I can't help but question it sometimes," she explained, the guilt quickly making work of her conscience.
"I'm sorry to hear that," he told her-in a tone that was almost numb from how devoid of any emotion it was.
It scared her.
And the silence that accompanied it only aided in adding to her trepidation.
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