Chapter XI: The Ocean
Song: The Ocean by the Bravery
--
I climbed up a mountain, and looked off the edge
At all of the lives that I never have led
There's one where I stayed with you, accross the sea
I wonder do you still think of me
I carry your image always in my head
Folded and yellowed and torn at the edge
And I've look upon it for so many years
Slowly I am loosing your face
Sixes and sevens we live on jet planes
And so many faces I don't know the names
So many friends now and none of them mine
Forgotten as soon as we meet
All of these moments are lost in time
But you caught in my head like a thorn on a vine
To forever torment me and I wonder why
Do I wish I'd never known you at all
--
20 July 1980
"I'm sorry-I'm sorry for ruining it all for you," he gruffly told her. "Maybe-maybe you're right," he stumbled, and she could tell he was forcing the words as he uttered them-there was something so unnatural, so wrong about James giving up on something, particularly them.
The shock of it all caught her by such surprise that she felt as if she broke her neck from the speed with which she had turned to look at him. "Par-pardon?" she stuttered, unable to regain her composure.
"Come on Lily, don't make me repeat it," he muttered with a definite undertone of desperation as he kept his eyes trained on his hands-not turning to return her stare, meet her eyes, for the first time ever.
"I-I-I'm, just surprised is all," she admitted, her face turning an unnatural, and rather unappealing, given her complexion, red.
He nodded slowly. "Yeah," he said in a choked voice, "so am I."
He sat there frozen, and she couldn't bring herself to say anything, do anything. All of a sudden all of that supposed courage that she had-what had helped her finally do all of this, never failing her in the past two hours-suddenly evaporated without a trace. All she could do was stare at him as he sat there emotionlessly clenching his jaw.
"I really thought that it was okay, I just-I want you to know that. I didn't want to disappoint you or fuck things up like this. I just wanted to be good enough. I thought that if anyone could, we could handle it all, Lils. We were epic, you know?" he asked, pausing after voicing the thought. "With everything going on around us we were always the one thing that I thought could prevail in it, no matter how long it took or how many trial and tribulations we had to go through," he admitted tersely, never daring to look into her eyes as he spoke. "It was you Lils, always has been for me, and I'm sorry, I never thought marrying you could end up being so disastrous on your part," he spat out, albeit a bit spitefully, but the good sentiment was clear nonetheless.
She watched as he slowly lifted his hand, clenching it to form a fist, and hit the stop button with such force that she couldn't help but wince at hearing the sound. She could almost imagine the indentation that would form from the strike, given James's strength.
He slowly got up, brushing the dust off his suit before turning to her and offering her a hand that she shook her head to. With a shrug he turned back to the doors, watching the numbers slowly descend. It was odd, watching James like that; it was so aberrant and disconcerting to see him acting like that. She had once called that his bluffing face-the one that he used only for poker and in business, the fact that he was using it with her felt like a stab to the heart.
When the doors finally opened to reveal the lobby he merely muttered a quick "bye" before beginning to make his way out of the lift.
"It wasn't all horrible," she told him just as he was about step foot out of the lift.
He turned to her, looking down at her as she sat on the floor-a position that was making her more and more uncomfortable by the second, she felt so weak and powerless in that situation. She felt almost broken.
"But not good enough for you to stay Lils-and, in the end, that's all I care about. The end result is all that really counts, isn't it?" he asked her as he leaned on the frame of the lift to keep the doors from opening as he tiredly pinched the bridge of his nose.
"I'll have the papers sent to you tomorrow, I'm sure I can do some charm to repair these," he told her as he raised the poor defenceless pile of papers that had been so cruelly mutilated by the doors of the lift only three hours before.
"There were good times James."
"Yeah, well it's over now-that's done is done, right? I really do hope that you find more though Lils, I only ever wanted the best for you-just kind of disappointed that that didn't turn out to be me I guess," he told her with a sigh as he pushed off the frame and turned around, finally walking away from her.
For the first time ever he walked away and didn't look back. There was no teasing, no testing, it was really over.
--
The sun and the moon
An ocean of air
So many voices
But nothing is there
But the ghost of you asking me why
Why did I leave
Oh the ocean rolls us away, away, away
The ocean rolls us away
Oh the ocean rolls us away, away, away
And I lose your hand through the waves
--
author's note: so I struggled a lot with this chapter and am not at all sure if I even pulled it off all that well, really. But the next one-and final one-will just be an epilogue of sorts so I should have that up within 4-5 days as I'd like to be able to just have some time to review it.
Please R&R, I'd really like to hear your reactions to this!
p.s. remember, all the music is up on my author's profile
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