Chapter IV: Bad Sun
Song: Bad Sun by The Bravery
--
We are lies like the summertime
Like the spring we are such fools
Like fall we are false prophets
Like winter we are cruel
I don't know what's wrong with us
They just made us this way
There's a hole in you and me
That pulls us together
--
20 July 1980
"You were so dedicated to it, and I truly did adore that about you; your constant diligence I mean," she explained as an afterthought. "But… I don't know. After a while it felt like I wasn't a part of your life anymore."
At hearing those words he moved his hand toward hers, which was lying near his, in an attempt to comfort her. "You always came first, Lils. I would never choose work over you."
"But that's the thing, you may not have realized it but you did. In the end, it felt like there was no room for me in your life. Hell, I even toyed with the idea that you might have been having an affair-"
His eyes widened at the admission, "I'd never-"
"But you did. In some sort of horribly twisted way, you did. I may have been stupid to think that there was another woman, but the truth is that in a way you did have an affair, didn't you? It was always work before me, and that's the worst part, I came second to this intimate thing," she said, spitting out the last word.
The amount of disgust and repulsion that was laced with her words took him off guard. He was startled at how hostile she was, or had been, toward his work.
How much had gone on, just under his nose? How much had passed that he'd been totally oblivious to, or made himself totally oblivious to?
"I-I didn't mean for it to seem that way," he finally managed to choke out, unable to give her any better explanation. A fact that he couldn't help but hate himself for.
She nodded, "I know."
"I never wanted to hurt-"
"I know, James, it just ends up that way sometimes."
"Yeah, I guess so," he said, more so just for the sake of saying something than anything else.
They sat in silence, both thinking over all the things that had gone on. A change that should have been a great step for both their relationship, and James's company, had actually lead them to trouble. It was a horrifying realization.
"You know we could always solve this by shagging, that always worked for us before," he offered, clearly joking, despite the grain of truth that there was to his words.
"You're incorrigible!' she shrieked, a small smile tugging on her lips as she spoke.
"No, love, I'm just a bloke," he corrected her with a small wink.
"You're such an arse."
"You used to say that that was endearing," he told her with a sheepish grin.
"Not now," she teased him, but somehow, regardless of the fact that the conversation came off as so lighthearted, there was this underlying, indescribable weight to it-one that both parties felt, and paid for dearly.
"Nice to know."
She nodded.
"I'm getting very tired of you just nodding, you know?"
She shrugged. "I don't really know what else to do. Honestly James, it's either start crying hysterically, or just sit here and bob my head to no end," she admitted with a blush. She really hadn't been intending to confess some of her misgivings; and the fact that she had took her totally by surprise.
"Nice options you've got there," he wryly commented.
"I like to think so," she told him with a wry smile as she fiddled with the hem of her skirt, anything to divert her attention from him.
"It feels weird. You know…?"
"Yeah."
"It's odd because I've never had a problem talking to you before," he admitted. "But suddenly, it feels as if I have to constantly second guess myself with you-"
"That wasn't my intent-"
"I know that it wasn't you intention, but sometimes that's just how it ends up, you know?" he told her, staring down at his hands, which were resting in his lap.
"I feel it too," she quietly confessed.
"It shouldn't be like this though."
"I know, that's why I think we need to separate, James. Obviously too much time has passed. We're just not comfortable with one another anymore."
"But we can be," he protested.
She shook her head slowly, wiping away a stray tear as she spoke, "Sometimes it just hurts too much to fight anymore."
"But what if it's worth it?"
She shrugged. "You tell me James."
He finally turned to look at her when hearing that response. Sending her a quizzical look he asked, "What do you mean?"
--
And I don't know where we belong
I think we grew under a bad sun
I know we're not like everyone
You and me we grew, under a bad sun
Every day you bring me pain
And we savor it like rain
We hold it on our tongues
Just like wine
--
5 March 1978
"No, don't you dare do that Sirius, I won't let you-not anymore," I interrupted him.
"But Lils, come on, be a bit more reasonable. He's had a lot of stress on him lately-"
"No!" I cried. "I'm so tired of this Sirius. I come to these bloody things because of him-because I know he needs me to do this for contacting and all that other shit, but I'm not sure how long I can do it! Especially without him. He's never around anymore, he's always off…"
"Don't start going down that road Lils, it's James. You know him, he'd never do that to you. The bloke is far too gone as far as you're concerned love," he told her, gently rubbing her cheek with his thumb. "He loves you; he's just got his priorities a bit mucked up at the moment. Give him some time, you're his world Lily. He would never intentionally hurt you."
"I just don't know how long I can wait around for him," she sniffed.
"Are you really going to throw away a relationship that you've put so much work into? After going through all that shit to get to where you are, are you really just going to give up after that? Doesn't it seem kind of pointless, all because of a few bad months?"
I nodded slowly, wiping away the tears that were streaming down my face and had surely made a horrible mess of my mascara. "Okay-you're right. I just-I need to give it some time, right?"
"Yeah, you're James and Lily, nothing changes that fact."
"Okay… I'll just-I'll wait it out then," I decisively told him, taking the hand that he was offering me and let him take me home.
--
Someday back when we were young
I guess something just went wrong
the two of us are hung
from the same twisted rope
you and me we grew under a bad sun
--
20 July 1980
"I should have been there."
"You should have been there a lot of times, James."
He sighed. "Yeah… I'm starting to see that."
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