For a moment, James thought his eyes were deceiving him. There was no way he was watching his best friend and his
girlfriend having a make out session in the common room. But the horrible sight didn't vanish, and he realized this
was actually happening. I guess she found someone better after all, his mind whispered to him. James felt the
rage boiling up inside him until he thought he would burst.
Lily and Sirius finally stepped way from each other. They turned toward the door and saw him standing there. He saw
their faces, Lily's horrified, Sirius' guilty. He found he couldn't look either of them in the face, so
without a word he turned and walked up to his dorm, slamming the door behind him as he went.
***********
"Ohgodohgodohgod," Lily muttered. She put closed her eyes and sank back onto the sofa. She rocked back and
forth holding her face in her hands. The look on James' face had been terrible. Lily knew it would haunt her
dreams. She was so stupid! It was over, everything had been ruined. And it was all her fault.
***********
Sirius paced the common room. He felt like he was going to be sick. He tried to take a deep breath, but his lungs
weren't working properly anymore. Finally, he came to rest in front of Lily, who still had her face in her
hands.
"I'm going to go talk to him," he said nervously. Lily didn't look at him, she just nodded her head.
Sirius stared at the top of her head a moment. He wanted desperately for her to look at him, to have her eyes give him
some sort of encouragement. It wasn't going to happen. Sirius sighed, mentally took a deep breath, and headed
upstairs. Oh lord, I'm going to die. . . .
The door to the boy's dormitory slowly squeaked open. Sirius entered cautiously and looked around. It was
completely dark inside. The only light came from the open door. There was a lamp on the wall by the door. Sirius pulled
out his wand. "Lumos," he muttered and tapped the lamp. It flickered at once into a soft glow. Slowly, the
other lamps around the room followed suit, and in the dim glow Sirius saw James. He was lying on his bed, arms folded
behind his head, staring at the ceiling.
Sirius entered the room and swung the door shut behind him. It closed with a loud CLANK. There was complete silence in
the room. Neither boy said anything. James did nothing but stare at the ceiling. Sirius stayed exactly where he was.
After a few minutes of shuffling his feet, Sirius decided to speak.
"Listen-"
"Oh, don't tell me. You can explain everything?" James' voice was very hard, very bitter. "This
isn't a prank you can talk your way out of. The old 'Black Charm' isn't work a pile of knarl droppings
this time. So just save me the usual explanations of how you just couldn't help yourself and neither of you really
knew what you were doing. If I have to listen to it I'll be sicker than I feel already." James' voice had
gotten stronger, louder and more vicious as he spoke.
"Please-- Prongs-"
"DON'T call me that!" James was on his feet facing Sirius. His face was white and he was shaking. Even in
the dim light, Sirius could see how bloodshot his eyes were. "Don't you EVER call me that again! That name
from you-- the sound of your voice--- the very sight of you makes me want to VOMIT! You're a---- how could
you---" James' voice suddenly went weak and his face collapsed. "You were supposed to be my friend,"
he finished softly.
James' burning eyes bore holes into Sirius' soul. It was unbearable. Sirius swallowed nervously. James gave a
noise of disgust and stalked toward the window. There was another long silence, which only a creaking was heard.
"You're right," Sirius said. "I was supposed to be your friend. This wasn't supposed to happen
Pro--James. You weren't supposed to get hurt."
"So, how is it with the two of you? Do you compare your kissing to mine? Laugh behind my back? 'Silly clueless
James, making a fool of himself for 7 years, isn't it funny?'"
"Of course not." Sirius was stunned James could even ask him that.
"Then what was it?" James demanded.
"Well. . . I just. . . I mean. . ." Sirius was uncomfortable. He saw the realization creep into James
eyes.
"I love her! I love her and you KNEW it! I told you and you still took her
away from me!"
"No one took me away from you, James."
Both boys whirled to the door. Lily stood there with her hand on the doorknob. Bathed in the light from the hall, it
seemed Lily was glowing. Tears no longer crossed her face, but she looked tired and completely miserable. Sirius tore
his eyes away from her to look at James. The pain he was feeling was plain on his face.
"Please," Sirius tried again, "please just--let's just talk about this!"
James clenched his teeth. "Sirius, all I want to do right now is hit you until you bleed to death. So get out
before I act on it."
Sirius took a step towards James. He opened his mouth--
"Go, Sirius." Lily's voice was quiet but firm.
Surprised, he turned to Lily. The look he gave her was hurt and confused. Lily looked at him and nodded. She held open
the door and waited for him to go. Sirius gave a last look to James then turned and quickly left the room.
Lily shut the door and turned to face James. She cleared her throat.
"What do you want me to say, James? Or do you want to go first?" Her voice was quiet. She sounded like she
had nothing left inside her.
James didn't answer her right away. Even though it was killing him to look at her, it would kill him more to look
away. He went over every inch of her face, even though he had memorized it years ago.
"I'm not sure what to say," he answered.
"Neither do I," Lily said.
"Why?" James asked her.
Lily paused while she considered her answer. "It's something that just happened. I don't know if there is
a 'why'."
"Out of all the people in the world, why Sirius? Why my best friend, Lily?" James tried to sound
calm, he didn't yell, but his voice betrayed his feelings.
". . . . I don't know. It just ended up that way."
James ran his hand through his hair. It made Lily smile sadly. She used to hate that habit, but it was so James she
couldn't argue with it anymore.
James was quiet again for a long moment. He didn't feel the anger he'd felt with Sirius. Now, there was a sense
of loss, of hurt, of deep sadness. He could never be angry with Lily. He loved her too much. That's why this was
worse than facing Sirius. James knew Lily didn't love him back. I wasn't enough after all. He sat on
his bed and stared at the floor, blinking back tears. Tears were weak. He refused to be weak. He wanted her to
leave.
"Shouldn't you go?" he shot at her. "Go be with the person you really want to be with."
Lily thought of Sirius downstairs. She knew this was the choice Remus had talked about, the decision she had to make.
She could either walk out the door and find Sirius, or stay. Staying was futile. She knew James would never be able to
forgive her. Lily so wanted him to forgive her. She wanted to be able to hold his hand, have him smile at her, finally
go to Hogsmeade together. . .
"I am with the person I want to be with." Lily knew. She was an idiot, and it may be too late, but she knew.
She crossed to James and sat on the bed next to him.
She's here because she pities me. That's all. She's trying to feel better about herself by staying.
Don't make more of it than it is, James thought.
You know her better than that, he answered himself.
Do you? that nagging voice whispered again. You know how you feel about her, but what about how she
feels?
Stop it, he told himself firmly.
Lily waited for James to say something, anything. The silence was killing her.
James finally cleared his throat. "Then why-- if you say you want---- how could you. . . ." He couldn't
even accuse her of deliberately hurting him. It was too much.
"I didn't know then," Lily said. "I've only just figured it out for myself."
"And when was that?" James asked.
"Pretty much now," Lily answered him. "My sense of timing was never spectacular."
"No kidding," James snorted. They smiled at each other. We're actually smiling! Lily thought.
Could he actually. . . She was too nervous to finish that thought.
She looks like she really wants to be here. Merlin above, she's perfect when she smiles. Is it possible . .
.? James was so confused. The evening had been filled with so much, he felt like lying down and never getting up
again. He just had to know. . .
Lily didn't quite know what to do. James looked so lost, sitting on his bed. .
"I'm so sorry, James."
"Don't say that," he answered sharply. "Don't give me 'sorry'. 'Sorry'
doesn't change anything."
"I know that," she said softly. "Do you--- do you still want me to leave?"
"I don't know," he answered. "I just wish. . . "
"I know," Lily said. "Me too. But what good does that do us?"
There was a huge silence. James couldn't believe he was going to say this.
"What 'us', Lily?"
Lily blinked, then nodded sadly. She stood and started for the door. James' heart caught in his throat.
"Wait, Lily." He stood and walked toward her. She turned to face him, trying to keep the hope inside her
hidden. "Is that it?" he asked. "Are you just . . . walking away?"
"I am trying to do what you want, James. What else is there?"
"Tell me what else you think there is."
Lily looked long and hard into James' eyes. No words came to her, so she did the only thing she could think of. She
kissed him.
James was stunned. Her kiss was light, nervous. Before she could pull away, he stepped in and kissed her back. His
hands cradled her face, her arms went around him. It was perfect. Then, his mind brought him back to reality and what
was happening. James very regretfully broke the kiss and stepped away from Lily.
"I'm not sure about this anymore," he whispered. "I--- I just need some time to figure out. .
." Figure out what? Whether she . . . whether I could. . . God this is so hard!
Lily nodded. She knew what James was getting at.
"I can wait," she said. "You're worth waiting for." James just stared at her and she smiled.
"Yeah, I know, after 7 years, now I'm the one waiting. Pretty ironic. But however long it takes, I'll
wait. I don't deserve-"
"Don't," James said again. "I can't take it anymore, all right?"
Lily swallowed back her tears and straightened her shoulders. She reached over and tenderly brushed the hair out of
James' eyes, then turned and walked away. Say it! Say it! her mind screamed at her. This could be your
one chance so SAY IT!!
Lily looked back over her shoulder. James had turned away towards the window again. He couldn't watch her
leave.
"I love you." Lily shut the door behind her and ran to her room. In the boys' room, James spun around and
stared at the door, completely frozen. She said it . . . . .