A/N: I'm still here! I swear I haven't forgotten you all! I've just been so unbelievably busy, with the opening of my website, The Marauder's Hideaway, to work and family things, but here I am and here is more of the story.
Chapter 24: Dreams and Another Azkaban Interlude
"And if we
find ourselves inhabited by winter,
the mind's blank sky branching nowhere,
snow the best the cold heart can hope for,
buried under time's fraying comforter,
hand on naked back or thigh on thigh
can send us south into the middle of July."
It's an interesting experience, finding peace in the midst of chaos. You don't quite know what to think. Here
is the world, going through its daily tumultuous routine, yet you find yourself standing perfectly still. You have the
urge to make this peace as a cage around you, keeping out all things evil. If peace could truly be made a cage, Calista
Serene wanted to be chained to the wall.
This is perfect. She smiled against Remus' chest. Never in a million gentle fantasies did she imagine
actually being happy in the arms of a werewolf. Her werewolf. Let Severus find someone else to control. Let Lucius find
someone else to beat. She was never going back.
"Calista?" Remus' gentle voice whispered through her thoughts, bringing her slowly back to earth.
"Hmmm?" He had an adorable lock of hair curled against the nape of his neck and she twirled it in her
fingers.
"What just happened?"
"I'm not entirely sure," she smiled. "But I'm not sorry." Calista lifted her eyes to his.
Mild confusion still danced in his eyes as he smiled nervously at her. She brushed her hand across his face.
"Remus, don't you believe that some things just happen? Without you knowing why?"
"I suppose they can," he said. "It's just--"
"Strange. I know." She did know. Gryffindors and Slytherins did not mix, much less werewolves and murderers.
But Remus didn't know that part of it.
Calista looked deep in his eyes, eyes she could get lost in forever. "What do your instincts tell you?"
Remus lay silent for a moment, and she had a horrible fear they were telling him to run as fast as he could in the
other direction. He didn't run. His hand went to the back of her neck and pulled her to him. The kiss was soft,
nervous, but it was still a kiss. Calista smiled against his mouth and kissed him back.
Thank you her mind sighed in relief. They kissed again. And again. His hand left her neck and caressed her
shoulder, then slowly began to travel down the length of her arm.
Her left arm.
No. . . Calista jerked her arm back and broke away, gasping for breath.
"What's wrong," Remus asked. The concern in his eyes made her want to weep. No one, in all her years, had
ever asked her that and meant it.
"Nothing," she whispered. Her arm was shifted so he couldn't see the burn that branded her forearm. In
the midst of their earlier embraces, she had been terrified he would find it and cast her from him. That moment
hadn't come, and she had been swept away by the delicious feelings Remus had brought out in her, the mark and its
significance left far behind in the shadows.
"Nothing," she said again, this time in a stronger voice. She looked at Remus' trusting face and smiled.
It was a horribly fake smile, but Remus bought it and smiled back.
"We should go back," she said. "They'll miss you soon." They both knew who she meant.
"If we must, we must," Remus said. His face showed amused regret at the thought of leaving and she wanted to
collapse in his arms and confess everything. . . but that could never, ever happen. This could be the one great thing
in her life and if it meant she had to lie to keep it, then so be it. She was good at lying, after all.
"Are you sure you're all right?" Remus asked again. "Nothing's wrong?"
Calista looked him dead in the eye. "What could possibly be wrong?"
*******
Madame Pomfrey had given her something to sleep, she knew that. The world faded into a swirl of colors. Lily didn't mind. It was a world she wanted no part of for the time being. She felt the horror of the day fade slowly from her mind as the sleeping potion took a hold of her.
There were specks of golden light floating down from the sky. Like feathers caught in the wind they danced around her, sprinkling her with their flickering glow. The lights grew brighter, and Lily found herself in a large room. The lights were candles, long thin tapers whose flames twisted and turned in the light draft gently blowing through the room. There were tall mirrors hanging on the dark wooden walls, but they were fogged over and she couldn't see her reflection.
Lily looked down at herself. She didn't belong here, a ruined child in torn clothing standing alone in a candlelit
room. She wanted to run, but where? There was nowhere to go, no doors adorned the walls. More and more she felt like
she was somewhere she wasn't supposed to be. Lily turned around and around, desperately seeking an escape
route.
Panic was beginning to take over her mind.
There was a soft touch on her shoulder. She turned, and instantly relaxed. If he was here, then it was all right for her to be here too. She gazed into Sirius' warm eyes as he pulled her into his arms. They were dancing, very slow. One of Lily's hands was intertwined with his, held against his chest. Her other hand was resting on his shoulder; his other encircled her waist and was laid against the small of her back. Sirius would keep her safe.
They danced into a small patch of shadow, and when they emerged it was James' soft hazel eyes Lily was looking into. She felt the wave of love for him wash over her. James would die for her. He told her with his eyes. She caught her reflection finally in one of the mirrors behind James. She was no longer the spoilt, soiled girl she'd been before. Now she was clean, her wounds gone, her hair smooth and shining again. Lily smiled and rested her head on his shoulder.
She blinked and he was Sirius again, gently brushing her hair out of her eyes with a shaking hand. . . . James was pressing his lips on her forehead. . . back and forth it went. The Lady Lily, with her gentlemen to keep her safe. The blonde devil would never find her here.
--------- AZKABAN PRISON, DEC. 20. YEAR 4------------
Sirius was having the dream again. The one in the candlelit room, dancing with Lily one moment, the next he was trapped in a mirror, watching her dance with James. It didn't matter which position he was in, partner or observer, he could feel her. He knew she felt safe from the blonde devil, as they called him. It didn't matter that it was his best friend, and not him, holding the one person he'd given his heart to. If James had made Lily happy, then it didn't matter his heart broke every time they smiled at each other, that he had to look away when they kissed.
Their wedding day had been the most heartbreaking day of Sirius' life. His only love had married the man of her dreams and it wasn't him. He'd gone, been best man to James, drank, danced and celebrated with the rest. No one knew he'd died inside.
Now he was here, lost in this tiny cell, six feet by nine feet, trapped in that feeling of loss forever. There was only a small slit in the wall, ten inches high and 5 inches wide. That was his window. Sirius tried vainly for a glimpse of the night sky, but it was no use. All the window was good for was bringing in the bitter air from the ocean. The dementors gave the inmates no fire, of course. They each had two thin, torn blankets and a flat pillow filled with lumps. One hand was permanently chained to the dank, mossy walls. Sirius had made slash marks in the moss with his fingernails, marking the time spent in here. He feared the day when he'd run out of room. That would be the day he'd let the dementors take him.
He'd felt everything he'd tried so hard to push behind him in his life. For four years, he'd suffered through memories of his horrible family, the humiliations they'd once forced upon him, then losing Lily, remembering Sara's death Peter's betrayal. . . the ones who mattered most were in the ground now, Lily and James. . . Sara. . . . Spike and Autumn. . . . Peter lived, but was as good as dead as far as Sirius cared. Remus was all alone out there.
Thinking of Moony made Sirius clutch his hair in frustration. Moony, a spy. It was the most ridiculous concept he'd ever dreamed up. There had been something, in school, that had changed the relationship between Remus and Peter but Remus had never said what happened. But the Marauders had never been the same after graduation. . .
It hurt so much. He left his memories; they were too painful to look at now. He slipped back into his dream, his refuge. He wanted to dance with Lily, but there were dementors on either side of him holding him back. He was trapped behind the mirror, forced to watch as his best friends danced, becoming more transparent with each step until they vanished forever.
Even his dreams were stolen from him now.
------- Back then… ---------
Once again, James was sitting at the bedside of his beloved Lily, gazing at her while she slept. He wondered idly if there was a record for the amount of time students spent in the hospital wing and figured between Lily, Sirius and Remus' various injuries they had set new standards. It was the most pathetic thought he'd ever had, and he'd had some whoppers (although no one knew it).
Madame Pomfrey had said she would eventually be all right, that she had given Lily a potion to make her sleep for a long time, but had given the students no specifics as to what Lucius had done to her. She had Dumbledore had disappeared into her office, the door shut now for a long time.
Lily's face looked peaceful in its slumber, her lashes dark against her pale cheeks. James wanted to kill Lucius. That much was obvious to everyone around him, and apparently a very mutual sentiment. Autumn slowly paced back and forth at the foot of Lily's bed, her violet cloak streaming out behind her as she gnawed on the knuckle of one thumb. Spike had vanished after a whispered conversation with his sister. This must be awful for her, James realized. Sara had been her best friend, too, and now Lily. . . Yet Autumn plowed on, determined as ever in her doings. She was strong, and James admired her courage.
His eyes left Autumn and traveled to Sirius, who was sitting on the other side of the bed. His dark eyes were focused on Lily's face. He was in agony; it was written all over his handsome features. James wondered what had happened to Sirius during their separation. He seemed different somehow, in a way James couldn't out his finger on.
He still loves her, James realized. Of course he did, love wasn't something that could be washed away in one argument. Yet instead of filling James with jealousy, it comforted him. There was someone else out there who was willing to protect Lily with his life and it made James feel better that he wasn't alone in that. There was no uncertainty anymore about Lily's feelings, James knew that. He supposed there was room enough for both men to love her.
**************************
Sirius had a horrible feeling he knew what had happened to his sweet Lily. He'd seen Malfoy's eyes on her, following her, but Malfoy had always looked away when he realized someone was watching. In years past Sirius had thought nothing of it since he had thought nothing of Lily. It stunned him now to think of it, how little consideration he'd once given the girl who'd become his life. How things change.
Malfoy was a dead man. Sirius wanted to gouge his eyes out with his bare hands, make him bleed and crawl on the ground before him. Death was too good for the man. Yet at the same time, Sirius was of the consideration that there had been too much violence already, and as much of a monster as Malfoy may be, it was time to leave things to those in charge. He wanted to avenge Lily, desperately, but he was so tired. . .
His soul had aged a thousand years in the space of days. He just couldn't do anymore.
************************
Peter stepped gingerly over the shattered remnants of the doorway and walked slowly into the hospital wing. God, people, breathe a little! It's not like she's dead. Of course, Peter would never speak those thoughts aloud to anyone in the room. Time to play the concerned friend, comforter of the weary, blah blah blah.
"H-How is she?" Peter put on his most concerned voice as he knelt next to James. He put his hand on James' shoulder and tried his best not to laugh in their faces.
"How do you think?" It was Autumn who answered her voice razor sharp. "Attacked twice in two days by that-that freak! How would you be?!" Peter narrowed his eyes at her, but Autumn had turned in her pacing and didn't see. He hoped she wasn't going to be an issue that needed dealing with. He had enough problems as it was.
"She'll b-be all right, P-P-Pro-James." Peter knew better than to use their secret names in front of Autumn. There was a very good chance she already knew their secret, being who she was, but the boys had agreed to take no chances. "L-Lily's a t-tough old girl; sh-sh-sh-sh-she'll make it j-just fine." Peter assured his friend with warmth he didn't feel. Evans could kick the bucket anytime for all he cared. It would make his life considerably easier.
His eyes fell on her. She was quite lovely, he admitted to himself grudgingly. Too bad she's nothing but a simpering Mudblood.
"Hey, Pete," Sirius said quietly, "will you go find Remus? He'd hate to not be here with us." Peter nodded, silently hating Sirius for ordering him around like a servant. He left, his feet shuffling along the stone floor all the way. He never saw Autumn's distrustful eyes on him as he left.