Chapter 26: Chess Wars
James heard voices. He really didn't feel like waking up, and he wished the voices would shut up already. Didn't they understand he just wanted to sleep? He heard Sirius' bark of a laugh, and then he realized soft fingers were running through his hair. Who would . . . .?
It couldn't be. That would be too much to hope for, wouldn't it? James' eyes shot open and he sat up so suddenly the others gasped. It was real. Lily was awake. Her perfect eyes looked back at him. They were rimmed in red, like she'd been crying, but they were here, looking at him!
James threw his arms around her and kissed her, uncaring of anyone else in the room. He felt Lily's arms go around him as she kissed him back. Somewhere in the deep recesses of his mind he heard Spike's happy chuckle at the sight of them. They must be making a scene, but James could have cared less. This was his Lily he was with. If they were to make a scene, bring on the cameras. He didn't care. He surrendered to the joy rising in him and kissed her again.
**********************
Sirius watched James and Lily together and forced a smile on his face for the benefit of Spike. Watching them made his stomach curl into knots, but what could he say? `Hey Prongs, could you not kiss your girlfriend in front of me because I love her too and it makes me uncomfortable?' Oh, yeah, that would go over so well!
The world spun crazily for a moment. What the . . . ? He grasped the window ledge and shook his head, trying to clear the sudden fuzziness in his mind.
"Sirius mate, you all right?" Spike was at his side, speaking quietly. Sirius looked up into Spike's piercing blue eyes and faked yet another smile.
"Am I ever?" he deadpanned. He shook of the hand Spike was holding out, determined to take care of himself. "I'm all right," Sirius insisted impatiently. "Stop fussing, Spike!"
Spike stepped back and held up his hands in peace. Sirius felt bad, but didn't say anything. He glanced at Lily and James; Lily was now resting her head on James' chest, silent tears streaming down her face. James was whispering to her things Sirius could not hear, nor did he care to. He felt Spike's piercing gaze on him and turned away. He could not admit the truth to anyone else right now. It diminished him, somehow.
There was a noise at the doorway. Remus and Autumn came flying in. Upon seeing Lily awake, Autumn flung herself onto her friend and burst into tears, which was a very un-Autumn thing to do. Remus was more subtle. He went to James and put a hand on his shoulder. James looked up at the boy and smiled. They both looked at Sirius, who sucked in a deep breath. And the Oscar goes to. . . He plastered a big smile on his face and went over to his friends. They all sat around Lily's bed, everyone suddenly talking all at once, laughing and hugging or just sitting back and smiling. They all believed the worst to be over, and it was. For now.
---------- AZKABAN PRISON, AUGUST 17, YEAR 8 ----------------------
The thing about Azkaban was, it either absorbed the cold or absorbed the heat. You would either freeze or bake in your little cell. Sirius was roasting, his gray prison robes clinging to him like a second skin. To add insult to injury, he now had a beard that almost rivaled Dumbledore's in length. Sirius had never wanted a beard, it made his skin itch.
His head was full of memories. None of the happy ones were there, just the sad ones. Many involved his mother. . whose name he could no longer remember. He was forgetting. He'd heard that it happened to the inmates, but he'd never believed until his own mind began to betray him.
The slash marks he made in the moss covering the walls now took up almost two entire walls. What was scary is that the walls were 14 feet tall, to accommodate the 12 ft. tall dementors. When he had first come to Azkaban, he had marked off the days. Then, it turned to marking off weeks. After much time had passed, he had given over to just marking off the months. There simply wasn't the wall space for days or weeks. In recent weeks he had stopped marking altogether because he couldn't' tell what day it was anymore. He knew the seasons from the weather, but that was about it.
He looked at his walls. There were names written amongst the slash marks, names he loved. James, Lily, Remus, Spike, Autumn, Sara. The names of his real family, the ones who'd stood by him through his life. Names of people who were not there anymore. Of all those names, only Remus still breathed and walked this world. The others lay under it, forgotten in darkness.
He remembered the names of his beloved friends only because he'd carved their names into the wall. Even then, it sometimes took him a while to connect the names with the faces in his mind these days. He wondered how long it would be before he forgot his own name. He suspected it wouldn't be much longer.
The temperature dropped suddenly and Sirius hugged himself and tried not to whimper. They were coming again.
There was a loud clank and the door to his tiny cell swung open. They had him by his thin arms. One of them was unlocking the manacle that bound him forever to the wall. Where were they taking him?
His hands were shackled before him, and they had leg chains around his ankles. He could have laughed; they were on an island! Where was he supposed to go? There was nothing out there worth escaping for. His friends were dead, Remus despised him forever, and for all he knew his little godson Harry didn't even know he existed.
The dementors brought him to a room that contained two metal chairs and a low metal table. Sirius was shoved into one of the chairs. Chains appeared, linking his shackles to the floor. The same thing happened to the chains on his legs. For extra measure, a chain collar was placed around his throat and was locked to the back of the chair. They made sure all the locks holding him were secure, and then the dementors left Sirius alone.
Sirius looked at the other chair in interest. He supposed he had a visitor or something. For the first time in eight long years, someone had come to see him. He had too little faith in him to believe it was Remus. He didn't think he could bear that kind of meeting anyway, especially if Remus had come to curse him personally. But he didn't think it likely. Sirius wouldn't have come if he were Remus, either.
The door creaked open, rusted hinges squealing. Sirius' visitor stepped inside the room and the door swung shut. Sirius thought his eyes would bulge out of his head. This was someone he had never expected to ever see again, and yet here they were.
"Hello, Sirius."
His mind raced back through his life and somehow was able to place a name with that face. That horrid face.
Sirius was miraculously able to find his voice and spoke for the first time in several years.
"Oh. My. God."
*********************
Several weeks had passed, and winter had officially arrived. Snow covered the castle, white and pure. There were a few yellow patches where people had tried to be funny, but nothing too extreme. A light glaze of ice covered the lake, and crystals of light danced across the surface. Snowball fights were a daily occurrence, during breaks and after classes. The castle was not yet decorated for Christmas, but the holiday feeling was already in the air. Almost everyone's spirits were high with the thought of the coming holidays.
Very close to Calista's garden, there was a place that was clear of any plants. Just a few small stone tombstones marking the memory of students who had once walked the halls but would walk no more. Sara's body had been returned to her family and buried in a cemetery in London. Many students had been permitted by Dumbledore to attend the funeral services, and classes had been canceled for that day.
Lily had not gone. Her injuries had not permitted her to leave the hospital wing, and so Autumn had represented her to Sara's parents. James, Sirius, Spike, Peter, and Remus had all attended as well. It was Remus who had told Lily the details of the funeral; she had wanted to know everything.
Lily was finally out of the hospital now, and the raven found her standing in front of the newest memorial marker at Hogwarts. She was wrapped in her warm Hogwarts cloak, yet she was shivering. Snowflakes decorated her hair, but she didn't notice. It was still very hard to believe Sara was gone. Autumn had hardly left her side these past weeks, and James had visited her between every class and had spent every evening sleeping next to her bed, but nothing could fill the giant hole in Lily's heart. It was if a part of her had died with Sara, and Lucius Malfoy had stolen the rest. She was empty now, a shell of the vibrant girl who had once been. That was how she felt, anyway.
Lily had been standing here, knee deep in snow, for several hours now. She came to this place every day now. It was part of her routine. She told Sara everything that was going on. Sara hated to be left out of things.
"So, I'm not going home for Christmas," Lily said. "You know Petunia's always insufferable, but she's worst around the holidays and I just don' think I can stand her this year. I may end up strangling her with her boyfriend's tie or something.
I think Autumn and Spike are going to stay, too. I'm not sure what James has planned. I know Remus is staying. He says it's to help me with prefect duties, but I know better." Lily smiled. "Nobody leaves me alone anymore. Not that I mind it or anything. Everyone's been very sweet. I just need to have my three seconds of alone time, you know?
Sirius and Peter hexed Severus Snape again after Charms yesterday. They gave him a splendid pair of horns. Not as creative as usual, you say? Well, the horns aren't on his head." Lily actually giggled. "I thought about yelling at them, but my heart just wasn't in it. I was tired," she added hastily. She didn't know if Sara's spirit had lingered here, but she didn't want her friend to worry. And now I know I'm cracking up, Lily thought.
The sun was setting, leaving long shadows in its path. Lily knew it was time to go. She refused to be alone after dark. "I have to go, Sara," Lily said now. "I'll be back tomorrow." Lily put her hand on Sara's marker and closed her eyes, silently thinking all the things she didn't have the strength to say out loud. Heaving a deep sigh, she turned to go.
There was someone walking along the paths. A small, very thing figure. Calista stopped and looked at Lily, who stared back in surprise. Neither girl said anything; the
y were very far apart.
Calista has the answers to everything, Lily suddenly thought. She was certain of the other girl's involvement in Sara's death, and maybe even her own assault. Lily took a step towards her and opened her mouth to speak, but Calista suddenly turned and hurried off the way she had come.
What on earth was Calista Serene doing down here anyway? That girl was a mystery unto herself, but Lily didn't have the strength to figure it out. Lily's shoulders slumped and she went inside, suddenly very tired.
They were relaxing in the warmth of the common room, at ease with each other for the first time in ages. Peter was hunched over the table in the corner, plowing through his Potions homework with Spike's help. Autumn was polishing her broomstick and laughing at the antics of James and Sirius. Remus lay sprawled over the sofa, reading a fat volume written in what appeared to be Latin. James and Sirius sat on the hearthrug, each trying to interrupt the other's concentration by cracking jokes.
"You're gonna lose, Prongs my man," Sirius said. "It's inevitable."
"Since when have you ever beaten me at chess?" James grinned. "Let's think. Ummmm. . . how about NEVER!"
"All things must change," Sirius replied. "Today's my lucky day."
"Whatever, mate," James snorted. "Whatever you're on, nit must be good stuff."
"Yeah, baby." Sirius smiled mischievously.
"Feel like sharing?" James asked with a similarly wicked grin.
"Let's think. Ummmmm. . . how about NO!"
James gasped. "That's mean! I'd share with you!"
"Then what have you been hiding all our lives?"
"Who told you?!" James looked shiftily about.
"I have my sources," Sirius said smugly. "You going to move ever?"
"Why? Gotta hot date?"
"Yeah, major hot stuff. But Remus just can't compare to you." Sirius made kissy noises towards James, who cracked up. Remus snorted in disgust behind his book, but kept reading. Sirius could have sworn he saw Remus roll his eyes, but the book was in the way. James took the opportunity to throw one of his pawns at Sirius and it clonked him in the head.
"OUCH!" Sirius clapped a hand to his forehead and looked aghast at James.
"What are you, TWELVE?!" Sirius yelled. "Fight like a man!" And he chucked his knight at James' chest. There was a moment of silence in which both boys looked at each other, Sirius hiccupping back his laughter.
"Oh crap," Autumn said.
"Duck," Remus advised, and hid behind his large book. Good thing. Chess pieces were suddenly flying everywhere, James and Sirius laughing like little children. Autumn scrambled laughing behind the couch, Peter dove under the table. Spike took full advantage of the situation and enchanted some crumpled paper balls top follow Sirius and James around, bonking them continually on the head.
"OW!" Everyone stopped fighting and looked toward the portrait entrance. Lily had come in unseen amid the chaos and had apparently been hit in the head by a flying chess piece. Everyone looked around, holding back snickers of laughter and trying to appear serious.
"Sorry, Lady Lily," Sirius said. Lily just glared at him and stomped upstairs.
"Busted," Peter said from under the table. He slowly crawled out, a huge grin on his face.
"Shut up," Sirius said with a nervous smile. "You think she's really mad?" he asked Autumn.
"Who knows," she said quietly. "She may have barely noticed. She seems to be on auto-pilot these days."
"I'm going to go talk to her," James said. He stood up, but Spike's paper balls were still bopping him on the head. "Knock it of, already!"
"Sorry, James mate," Spike said. He waved his wand and the paper fell innocently to the floor, perfectly still.
"Umm, I think I should go," Autumn said. She stood up and went next to James.
"Why can't I go?" James said angrily.
"You plan on getting up into the girl's dorm how?" Autumn said.
The staircase turned into a slide when boys touched it. "Oh yeah," James said quietly.
"I'll keep an eye on Lily-bean," Autumn said reassuringly.
"Tell her I want to see her," James said. There was a hint of desperation in his voice. Autumn felt so sorry for him. James wanted to help Lily; there just wasn't much anyone could do.
"I'll tell her," she said softly. They watched Autumn disappear up the staircase.
"Lily will come out of it eventually," Spike said. James turned and caught a glimpse of something on Sirius' face, but the other boy turned away before James could figure it out.
"Padfoot?" James asked softly.
"It's nothing, mate. Just a little worried, that's all," Sirius said. He was staring into the fire. His profile was illuminated in the flickering light as he hugged his knees to his chest. They had not discussed Lily. It was easier to be friends if they did not talk about the past.
"We all are," Remus, ever the peacekeeper, stepped next to James. "Everyone's worried about Lily. She's had to go through a lot these past few months."
"I just wish I knew what to do for her," Sirius whispered.
"That's my job," James said harshly.
"You are not the only person who cares about Lily," Remus said sharply.
"I know," James said. "I just wish I knew what to do! And I can't help her get through this thing unless I know what the thing is!"
"Lily will talk about Lucius when she's ready," Spike said. "We all just need to back off and give her a little time. All of us," he said pointedly, looking first to James, then Sirius. James nodded reluctantly and sat on the sofa. Sirius just stared into the fire.
"Let's finish our chess game," Sirius said abruptly. He flicked his wand and the chess pieces flew from their scattered places around the room and returned to their former positions on the board.
James gave Sirius a strange look, but slid off the sofa to join him. After watching them make a few moments each in silence, Remus picked up his book and returned to the sofa. Spike walked over and picked up his sister's broomstick and went upstairs to his room, leaving Peter alone at the table.
*******************
Autumn peeked into her dormitory. Lily was sitting at her bedside table, her head buried in her arms. Autumn stepped quietly inside and closed the door behind her. She made no noise as she crossed to Lily.
Lily didn't even realize that she was no longer alone until Autumn put a hand on her back. Her head shot up and Lily sniffed back a sob. She'd been crying again. Her eyes were bloodshot and her face was puffy.
"Oh, Lily-bean," Autumn said gently. Lily's face crumpled and Autumn pulled her into a hug. They stayed that way, the two girls, missing their friend.
*******************
The fire was dying, but still they lingered. Peter had gone upstairs, his unfinished Potions homework spread over the table. James and Sirius had finished their game in silence, and were now in the middle of another. Remus was still reading, they thought.
In truth, Remus had been staring at the same page for three hours now. It wasn't the Latin; he could read it fluently. His mind simply was not on his book. It was down in the dungeons, on a girl he'd spent many stolen moments with lately.
The night romps with his fellow Marauders had not stopped. They still wreaked havoc and had many adventures on those nights of the full moon. The early hours before dawn, however, belonged to Calista, who managed to find her way to his hiding place every time. He always woke to her next top him, and found himself enjoying the time he spent with her. Remus had told no one of his hours alone with Calista in the Shrieking Shack. It seemed like a betrayal, the time he spent with her, yet he found himself longing for those mornings with her.
At school, it was business as usual. They did not speak to each other in public, and Calista no longer pulled him into dark corners to warn him of things, or even to say `hi.' She didn't even look at him in the halls, though Remus found himself wishing she would.
She baffled him; confounded his senses. Calista wasn't the kind of girl he normally thought of as attractive. Her dark, lank hair hung limply around her face; her pale eyes seemed very cold. Her skin was sallow and pale, and her frame was bone-thin and very malnourished-looking. Yet Remus knew her skin was soft as velvet when you touched it, her lips were soft and full of passion. Her eyes danced with a light no one else saw when they touched. There was another person hidden inside the cold exterior she wore, and only Remus seemed to be able to bring it out.
Remus found himself thinking of her more and more. It was the most unlikely pairing the world could ever have thought of, the two of them. For Remus, it was quickly becoming more than wanting to see her. He found himself wondering what she was thinking, what she was feeling. He cared about her, and it scared him to death. He wished desperately she thought about him half as much as he thought about her.
*******************
Autumn handed Lily another tissue. Lily took it gratefully and blew her nose, then tossed the crumpled tissue into the quickly growing pile on the table.
"I'm sorry," Lily squeaked for the thousandth time.
"Don't be," Autumn said. "I miss her too, Lily-bean."
Lily closed her eyes and stifled another sob. She felt like a sniveling baby, but she couldn't seem to stop crying.
"Lily. . . . ." Autumn stopped and thought about her words. "Lily, you can't. . ."
Autumn stopped again and took a deep breath. Lily looked up at the pother girl.
"Is this where you tell me to move on? To leave Sara behind in the ground and get on with my life? Because I can't just leave Sara behind!"
"No, Lily!" Autumn said desperately. "Move on, yes, but carry Sara in your thoughts and in your heart. But you can't stop living just because Sara did! Don't let whoever killed her claim one more victim!"
Utter silence followed this remark. Lily stared at Autumn with open eyes, and Autumn was horribly afraid she'd said the wrong thing. It wasn't meant to come out like that, she thought desperately. But it was too late. There are some things that cannot be taken back once they're said.
Lily looked away from Autumn and stared around the room as though she was seeing it for the first time. When she looked back at Autumn, her eyes were still red but her gaze was clear, strong and awake.
"I need to talk to James," Lily said. She stood and fled out the door before Autumn could speak. Autumn bowed her head and prayed Lily was coming out of the darkness at last.
*******************
Remus had finally gone to bed, and Sirius and James were left alone. The embers of the fire glowed deep in the fireplace, casting a little light through the room. It was very early in the morning now. Neither boy had much to say, so they just kept playing chess. They were comforted by the other's presence even though neither spoke.
A stair creaked and both swiveled around to see Lily standing on the bottom step. James and Sirius rose as one and looked at her, at a loss on what to say. Lily licked her lips and stared at them both.
"I need to talk to James," she said. Her voice was quiet but very firm. She meant alone. She did not look at Sirius as he passed her on his way upstairs, even though he looked at her. She kept her gaze firmly on James.
Lily waited until she heard the faint click of the door shutting Sirius upstairs. Now they were alone, and for all their determination to talk to one another, both suddenly found themselves with absolutely nothing to say.
Ah, the land of awkward silences. We seem to get here a lot, James thought. He fidgeted in his place, casting his mind about for something to say. But it was Lily who found her voice first.
"I'm not ready to talk about it yet," she said. James looked at her; he knew what `it' meant.
"I just wanted to say, that when I am ready, I want you to be the one I talk to," Lily finished quietly. She looked at the floor, as though she expected James to laugh at her.
James crossed over to her and gently folded her into his arms. Lily's arms went around him and he felt the tension slowly leave her body. She didn't cry; James would have been surprised if she had any tears left.
"I'm here, Lily," James whispered.
"That's all I need to know," she said.
They gently rocked back and forth, holding each other. Lily sniffled a few times, but did not cry. She was done with crying.
"You know," James said slowly," I still owe you a Hogsmede trip." Lily raised her head to look at him. "If that's ok," he finished nervously. Lily's sudden smile was like a beam of sunshine to his heart.
"It's perfect," she said. James smiled back at her and gently kissed her. Lily wrapped her arms tighter around him as they lost themselves in the moment.
********************
Sirius lay on his bed, the hangings hiding him from view. Remus' deep breathing and Peter's snores were the only sounds in the room. He was in the thrilling process of memorizing the ceiling pattern when he remembered that he'd left his chess set downstairs.
Sirius hopped out of bed and tiptoes down the stairs. He hit the landing and stopped cold. Lily and James were in a passionate embrace, completely lost in each other.
His nails were digging into the palms of his hands. Seeing them together stung his heart, but Sirius couldn't tear his eyes away. He wanted things to be different so he could be the one kissing Lily.
But this is the way things are, Padfoot old boy. This picture doesn't concern you anymore. Let it go, his mind advised him. Sirius closed his eyes, but when he opened them they were still there, kissing.
Sirius turned and silently went back upstairs.