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H/Hr Fics: A Parody by Jack Ryan
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H/Hr Fics: A Parody

Jack Ryan

A Parody of H/Hr Fics

Author's Note: Hey, everybody, I got this idea while reading Oy! Angie's hilarious parody of L/J fanfics: Snogwarts: A Parody. That was a parody of a L/J fic, so I'm gonna do a parody of a H/Hr fic. I doubt it'll be as funny as Oy! Angie's, but hey, why not? It'll be in a play-style format (no real paragraphs, pretty much all dialogue)…And yes, I will be making fun of even some of the clichés I use. This is purely in fun, so if you get offended and flame me, I'll laugh… So here goes…a typical H/Hr sixth-year fic:

TITLE: Harry Potter and the Green Flame Torch (Even Though JKR Has Confirmed This Will NOT Be the Title of the Sixth Book, It Is Accepted As the Rightful Title)

Chapter One---Bloody Hell, Why Are We Always Doing Flying Lessons?

(Harry gets an invite from the Weasleys---mainly because nobody wants to write Dursley scenes. The fact that the Weasleys probably aren't ample protection against Voldemort and Grimmauld Place is more likely is ignored. After all, how can you have flying lessons at Grimmauld Place?)

HARRY: Wow, I got an invite from the Weasleys! Boy, I can't wait to go! Especially, since Hermione's there! (Pauses) And Ron, too!

(Ignoring these random feelings for Hermione, Harry eagerly awaits for the Weasleys to arrive)

HARRY: Wow, this is great! I'm eagerly awaiting for the Weasleys to arrive)

MR. DURSLEY: They're not coming in by the way they came in last time, are they?

HARRY: No, they're renting a car. From where, I don't know.

MR. DURSLEY: I see.

(Doorbell rings…Harry walks over and sees his Ron and Hermione)

HERMIONE: It's great to see you, Harry!

(Hermione and Harry hug…Ron is ignored)

HARRY: You've grown so much in the summer.

(For some reason, Hermione has become a hip, popular slut. Harry sees that she is wearing a tight black shirt, pink hot pants, and she's straightened her hair. He looks at her butt, assuming that Harry's now a pervert. Harry doesn't know why, but unfortunately for him, the authors of fanfics about him want to make him do it so they can get a laugh and also wish that they could do the same in their own life. But they're sorry, no-account nerds and only wish they could get a hot, popular girl like Hermione now is. As for the girl authors, they just think it's funny because they want to amuse themselves into thinking they have nice butts.)

HERMIONE: Let's just ignore Ron, since after all this is a H/Hr fic!

HARRY: Sounds like a good idea!

RON: What about my love life and my unresolved feelings for Hermione?

HARRY: Those don't matter! The author will definitely pair you with a sane Luna/not slutty Lavender/an annoying other character who probably can do everything right and is American!

RON: Oh boy, I'll bet she's as hot as Mione here.

HARRY: So why do we call her Mione anyway?

RON: I dunno…some fanfiction author made it up and everyone else liked it. So you call her Mione now, because after all, you've got to give some cute pet nickname!

HARRY: You're right, since I've got all these new feelings for her!

MR. WEASLEY: Um, guys, can we go to the Burrow?

(When they reach the Burrow, Harry, Ron, and Hermione walk outside. Ginny, Fred, and George are already outside.)

HARRY: Let's play Quidditch! I'll get my Firebolt, never mind that it's still back at Hogwarts!

(Begin to play Quidditch, while Hermione reads some long book or the other. Harry stops every few seconds to get a good look at Hermione.)

HARRY: I've caught the Snitch on my lost Firebolt! I'm the best!

(Everyone cheers Harry, the best player in a millennium!)

RON: Since I'm no longer jealous of Harry's talents, I think he's the best player ever! You could play for England, Harry!

HARRY: I know.

(Everyone dismounts, leaving for some lame reason or the other, leaving Harry alone with Hermione.)

HARRY: Hey, Hermione. Wanna fly with me?

HERMIONE: Bloody hell, why are we always doing flying lessons? I might mess up my cute arse.

HARRY: Come on, Hermione. Every author wants you to do this.

HERMIONE: But when does it say in canon that I can't fly and hate to fly? JKR only says that I was nervous about it!

HARRY: Sorry, but everyone now accepts it as fact that you're afraid of heights, hate to fly, but would love to get up on a broomstick with me.

HERMIONE: (coyly) Which broomstick?

HARRY: Later, Hermione. First, we gotta do this flying.

HERMIONE: Fine.

(They fly, but Hermione soon comes to enjoy the ride, as always, because, you know, flying with Harry will always cure acrophobia.)

HERMIONE: That was the best, Harry! I love you!

HARRY: You do?

HERMIONE: No, I meant that I really care for you! Sorry, slip of the tongue!

HARRY: (dumbly) Okay.

HERMIONE: Come on, let's go back inside and enjoy lemonade.

(Go back inside and enjoy lemonade)

HARRY: Hmmm…I wonder what happened to that Voldemort guy?

HERMIONE: It doesn't matter, you'll meet him eventually. You've got to fall in love with me first! Voldemort's going to wait until that happens before he attacks!

HARRY: Right. I forgot. Sorry…who's that redhead guy sitting next to us?

HERMIONE: Ron, remember? Come on, let's get in some dialogue so reviewers don't flame us and say that Ron's totally nonexistent. Hi, Ron!

RON: Hi, guys! I just love being ignored! After all, I'm definitely not an attention-seeking prat who wants all the glory!

HARRY: That's the spirit, Ron. So have you met your new love interest?

RON: No, but I suspect that we might find a transfer or someone on our train to Hogwarts. American bodies are hot!

HARRY: Dude, you're so right! Gimme five! (High-five) And we all know that we've got to put an American in the story.

HERMIONE: After all, the majority of the authors are American and don't want to give the Brits everything.

HARRY: Right as always, Hermione! Oh well…at least I can stare at that body while dreaming of you!

HERMIONE: Shouldn't you be dreaming of my body?

HARRY: (dismissively) Yeah, yeah, I will. You've got a nice new look, though. Where'd you get it?

HERMIONE: Plastic surgery. Since, after all, nobody can stand having me with bushy hair that's not perfect for their beloved Harry. Also, I've got to get humongous breasts and a nice butt. (Sigh) It's tough being your lover, Harry.

HARRY: Not yet, Hermione! We've got to keep this story going so the author can get more reviews! (At this point, the author begs on hands and knees for reviews)

HERMIONE: Yeah, I heard that the author might even respond to each review in the next chapter!

HARRY: That always makes them want to review, which in turn, boosts the self-esteem of the author!

HERMIONE: And us!

HARRY: Because when the author's happy, we end up snogging!

(Ginny walks in)

GINNY: Hi, everybody. I came in to make my obligatory appearance in the story. Just to let you all know, I'm dating Draco Malfoy, who's now a good guy. After all, the author can't bear to have their beloved Tom Felton play a bad guy! Draco's now good! Accept him.

RON: (mock outrage) But Ginny, he's evil!

GINNY: No, he's not. I told you, he's good now!

RON: Fine, I guess we'll accept him. Why we'll do that I don't know…maybe because the author can't think of a good reason why we should.

(Ginny hugs Ron)

GINNY: I love you, Ron!

RON: Thanks, Gin. Now get off, before people start becoming suspicious about us.

GINNY: Don't worry, my lips are sealed.

RON: Shut up! You don't want everybody to know that we secretly have sex every night! It'll ruin your relationship with Draco and my future one with an American babe!

GINNY: Okay, I'll keep my mouth shut.

HARRY: (oblivious to Ron's revelation) So, Hermione, want to continue those flying lessons?

HERMIONE: Not really.

HARRY: Come on, you have to! It's required for any H/Hr fic!

HERMIONE: But----

HARRY: No buts. You can't argue with this, Hermione. Everybody does it.

HERMIONE: (sniffles) A lot of people do drugs. You don't!

HARRY: (looks up from taking a hit of cocaine) What?

HERMIONE: (sigh) Never mind.

HARRY: No, tell me what's wrong, babe. You love me, right?

HERMIONE: Just as a friend.

HARRY: That's what you think.

***

(Weasley Library That Doesn't Exist)

HERMIONE: Harry, I think you need to begin studying and working hard.

(Harry stops looking at Hermione's breasts, which are exposed for some reason.)

HARRY: Sorry, what?

HERMIONE: I think you need to begin studying and working hard.

HARRY: Why?

HERMIONE: Because fanfics authors love to make you start studying in the summer. That way, you and I will have something in common and romance can start! By the end of the summer, you'll be super-smart, completing your transformation from a real character into a typical Other Character!

HARRY: Where can I sign up?

***

(Obligatory Voldemort scene)

VOLDEMORT: Wormtail, my friend. Let's plot something diabolical.

WORMTAIL: What, my Lord?

VOLDEMORT: I don't know yet, so let's give readers a bunch of cryptic signals.

WORMTAIL: Okay.

VOLDEMORT: I want you to go to this place and meet up with that guy. He will show you a thing that leads you to some stuff. The stuff will be a mountain of pizza which was built by some things. If you go into the middle of it, the plan will work.

WORMTAIL: (nods) Sounds evil, My Lord!

VOLDEMORT: It is.

WORMTAIL: But what's the plan supposed to be?

VOLDEMORT: Get out of my sight! Didn't I tell you that I didn't know yet! God, now the readers will think I don't have a plan and won't leave a review! (At this point, the author begs on hands and knees for reviews)

***

(Back to the romance at the Burrow)

HARRY: So, anyway, you gonna do that flying with me?

HERMIONE: Where's Ron?

HARRY: (shrugs) I don't know. He isn't really that important, anyway. Come on, let's fly.

HERMIONE: All right.

(They fly around for a while, and then land.)

HARRY: For some reason, I have a great urge to kiss you.

HERMIONE: Probably because the author thinks it'll be cute to have us a kiss after a nice little flying session.

HARRY: So, you want to kiss?

HERMIONE: No, I'm afraid not. I've got to play hard-to-get, remember? Because otherwise, the author will be forced to get to his/her plot, which would be bad!

HARRY: Why would that be bad?

HERMIONE: Duh! The author doesn't have a plot.

HARRY: Gotcha. So we've got to delay, until he/she can steal one from another author.

HERMIONE: I always knew you were bright.

HARRY: (stupidly) Thanks, Mione.

HERMIONE: What's with that stupid name again? My name's Hermione.

HARRY: You're being the dumb one now! Your new name is Mione!

HERMIONE: I don't like it.

HARRY: It doesn't matter. It's cute, according to reviewers, which is the most important thing! (At this point, the author begs on hands and knees for reviews)

HERMIONE: Okay, fine. I just wish it didn't sound so stupid.

HARRY: It's just like those flying lessons. Life's tough.

HERMIONE: (sticks tongue out at Harry) At least you won't be getting a kiss for a while!

HARRY: (kicks ground childishly) Dang it! Come on, Mione, let's fly around some more! You know you love flying lessons!

(Hermione groans.)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Author's Note: Okay, I thought it was funny. So if you guys didn't that's okay! At least, I made myself laugh. :) Anyway, review, if you can! (Lol, pitiful, isn't it?)