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H/Hr Fics: A Parody by Jack Ryan
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H/Hr Fics: A Parody

Jack Ryan

Author's Note: I'm back with another update…read and enjoy! I know that the style of each chapter is different, but it doesn't matter, really, does it? It's a parody after all!

TITLE: Harry Potter and the Green Flame Torch (Even Though JKR Has Confirmed This Will NOT Be the Title of the Sixth Book, It Is Accepted As the Rightful Title)

CHAPTER FOUR: Random Chapter That Doesn't Have Anything To Do With Any Particular Foible of H/Hr Fics

MAGICAL CLOCK SOMEWHERE IN THE DORMITORY: Time for breakfast.

HARRY: I guess it's time to go for breakfast.

RON: No kidding.

(The Dynamic Duo troops down to the Great Hall for breakfast where they are greeted with a an immense breakfast of kippers. What a great breakfast item, eh?)

HARRY: What a great breakfast item, eh?

RON: This story suffers from a lack of creativity.

(Hermione wanders in, wearing a loose v-neck that shows lots of her cleavage; after all Hermione did turn into a "girly-girl" over the summer. Nice short skirt for Harry to ogle as well.)

HARRY: Wow, that's a really nice short skirt for me to ogle as well.

RON: SHUT UP!

HARRY: Hehe.

HERMIONE: Ewww…what's this breakfast?

HARRY: I don't know. I think that American authors just give us this kind of stuff in an effort to sound cultured.

HERMIONE: (shoves her plate away) I'm not eating this.

RON: I'll eat anything.

(Takes Hermione's plate and gorges himself. It's time for Potions. Or, in fanfiction terminology, time to bash Professor Snape. The trio reaches the empty Potions classroom and the other students quickly join them.)

SNAPE: Well, well, well…

(It's hard for him to intimidate anyone as he is only wearing his boxers for some reason. They are pink with little hearts. Never mind that Snape is an ACTUAL bad guy.)

SNAPE: I know that my boxers are sexy, but it's time to focus on the class.

GIRLS: Uh-huh.

SNAPE: Turn to page three-hundred-and-ninety-four.

(INTERMISSION: Wasn't that a great trailer? God, that movie looks awesome. Go Cuaron! Jack Ryan clears his throat and then returns to the "story.")

CLASS: Yes, Professor Snape.

SNAPE: That's the kind of discipline I expect. Hop-two-hippity-hop! (Good for anyone who caught the Matilda reference.)

(Class turns to page three hundred ninety four, for no other reason than it was really dramatic for Snape to say it. Then again, Alan Rickman could probably make any page number sound dramatic. "Turn to page onnnnnne.")

SNAPE: Read the whole textbook, because the author's too lazy to create an actual potion.

HARRY: That's dumb.

SNAPE: (preening himself in front of a mirror) I missed the part where I cared what you thought.

HARRY: Wait a minute, I'm Harry J. Potter! You can't talk to me like that! I'm the King of Hogwarts!

SNAPE: Dream on.

HARRY: You suck.

SNAPE: (leers at Harry and motions to Hermione) Your girlfriend does it better.

HARRY: If only I knew…hey, wait a minute, how would you know?!

(Snape smiles, thanking all those slash fanfiction authors.)

SNAPE: Do your reading, boy.

(Class ends twenty or so minutes later because the author doesn't feel like elaborating on the dumb class. Time for some McGonagall action!)

RON: I hate Transfiguration.

HERMIONE: You hate every class.

RON: That's not true! I like…um…well, you see…um…let me think for a moment…

(Hermione snickers, tossing her now shiny wave of brown hair in the air. Harry sighs)

HARRY: Sigh.

(Hermione rolls her eyes and leads the group to the Transfiguration room.)

MCGONAGALL: Turn to page three-hundred-and-ninety-four.

(The class stares in bewilderment at her.)

MCGONAGALL: Well, er…I was just trying to channel Professor Snape for a moment there.

HARRY: Right. What are we doing?

MCGONAGALL: Some Transfiguration thing or the other.

HARRY: Uh-huh.

(McGonagall drones on and on about some Transfiguration thing or the other. Finally, class is over)

HARRY: Finally, class is over!

RON: Would you stop that?

(Harry snickers)

HERMIONE: It's time for lunch. Come on, guys. Let's go.

(They walk into the lunch room and proceed to eat bangers and mash, whatever those are. Jack Ryan notes that he does know what bangers and mash are---everyone knows it's the British codeword for pizza!)

HERMIONE: The mashed potatoes are really good.

JACK RYAN: Wait a minute, I thought bangers and mash was pizza!

RON: Whatever, American.

(Jack Ryan returns to a corner where he is quickly comforted by his girlfriend Katie (I think you know what that means---oh stop thinking like that, you perverts! I'm only fourteen---well, fifteen next week!). He then proceeds to laugh at the jealous guy in his class who wants Katie (and used to be Jack's friend) for seven hours, thirteen minutes, and six seconds.)

HERMIONE: So, returning to the wizard world…

HARRY: Eyes, look your last! Arms, take your last embrace! And lips, O you the doors of breath, seal with a righteous kiss a dateless bargain to engrossing death!

(Jack Ryan steps into apologize. Too much Shakespeare over the last month or so.)

HERMIONE: I love that scene!

HARRY: You know me. I always look out for my woman's needs.

HERMIONE: Um, I don't need Romeo and Juliet.

HARRY: (shrugs) Same difference.

HERMIONE: You know, I hate when people say that! It makes no sense at all! Only idiots say things like that?

HARRY: Are you calling me an idiot?

HERMIONE: Well, if you weren't one, you'd realize that immediately.

HARRY: Oh.

RON: Anyway, where's my gorgeous Sarah?

HARRY: Probably screwing someone else.

RON: I guess so.

HERMIONE: Aren't you afraid you'll get STDs or something from her?

RON: (shrug) It doesn't matter. The stuff I do with her more than makes up for it.

HERMIONE: Uh-huh.

HARRY: I know!

HERMIONE: How would you know?

HARRY: I watched them last night.

(Hermione shakes her head)

HERMIONE: Why do I even bother?

HARRY: I don't know…and we ain't had nothing but maggoty bread for threeeeeee steeenkin' days!

(Hermione and Ron stare quizzically at Harry)

HARRY: Why can't we have some meat?

HERMIONE: Um, Harry, there are sausages right in front of you.

(Harry looks over at some ditzy blondes who look like they've been channeled from 'Mean Girls.')

HARRY: What about their legs? They don't need those.

RON: Okay, Harry, what planet are you living on?

HARRY: There is only one way to save our city.

HERMIONE: (patiently) Do you need to see the nurse, Harry?

HARRY: Neo.

HERMIONE AND RON: What?

HARRY: Misssssssstttttttttteeeeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr Annnnnnndddddddddddddeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrssssssssssssssooooooooooonnnnnnnn …welcome back. We missed you.

HERMIONE: Let's go to our next class, Harry.

(Harry grabs Hermione and thrusts her against the wall, kissing her on the lips firmly.)

HERMIONE: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

(Harry steps back and waves a finger at her.)

HARRY: To deny our own impulses is to deny the very thing that makes us human…

RON: Right, Harry…let's just go to class.

HARRY: Okay, what class?

RON: Defense Against the Dark Arts.

HARRY: I wonder who we have it with.

HERMIONE: Well, if the author is a girl it's probably going to be Tonks. And if it's a guy, probably Lupin.

RON: Well, is the author a boy or a girl?

(Jack Ryan is mysteriously away…*cough* kissing his girlfriend *cough*…Katie says, "Hi" to you all by the way…so the characters don't know whether their author is a boy or a girl.)

HARRY: Let's just go to the class and see.

(They go to the class. Lupin sits behind the desk.)

HARRY, HERMIONE, AND RON: Boy author.

LUPIN: Hey, guys…whazzup? How's it going in the crib? Down with it? I'm doing phat myself.

(They realize that Lupin is wearing a loose, baggy clothes, a large gold chain, and has grown his hair out)

LUPIN: I'm getting in touch with my jivin' side.

HARRY, HERMIONE, AND RON: Stare.

LUPIN: Okay, I'm just doing this to impress my new girlfriend. (Sigh) So, how are you guys doing, anyway?

RON: Who's your new girlfriend?

LUPIN: Some student in the school named Britney Spears.

HERMIONE: Isn't that illegal?

HARRY: All of our lives we have fought this war. Tonight, I believe we can end it.

EVERYONE: Ignore.

LUPIN: Anyway, no, not really. The wizarding laws are very liberal on this kind of thing.

RON: Lucky for you, I guess.

LUPIN: Yeah, she is a hot little number.

HERMIONE: Anyway, let's sit down, guys. It's time for class.

RON: So, where's Neville anyway? Or Luna? Considering that a bond was formed between them and us, it's kind of surprising we haven't seen them yet.

HERMIONE: Well, the author doesn't like Neville because he's clumsy and he doesn't like Luna because she's stupid. (Actually I don't…it's just that a lot of authors do dumb things like this)

RON: Crying shame. I was thinking that I could get Luna while Sarah was off with other guys…

HERMIONE: You're disgusting.

HARRY: Where others may see coincidence, I see providence.

HERMIONE: Snap out of it, Harry!

HARRY: You are here because you know there is something wrong with the world. What you know you can't explain.

HERMIONE: I know, I know, Harry. What is the Matrix? But come on, this isn't the Matrix! This is Harry Potter and you're losing your mind!

HARRY: Sam and I must get to Bree.

HERMIONE: This isn't Lord of the Rings, either!

HARRY: May the Force be with you?

HERMIONE: Or Star Wars!

HARRY: Your love of the halfling's leaf has clearly slowed your mind.

HERMIONE: You're hopeless.

RON: At least class is about to start.

(Lupin teaches something or the other…still looking very hip in his clothes, though uncomfortable.)

LUPIN: Well, I guess class is over.

HARRY: (nods) Everything that has a beginning has an end.

(The class files out, going back to the common room to do homework. Ron disappears with Sarah. It's the perfect time for Hermione and Harry to flirt…unfortunately, Harry fails to take advantage of this opportunity)

HARRY: Hermione, I want to tell you something important.

HERMIONE: (smiles sweetly at him, eagerly anticipating)

HARRY: With great power comes great responsibility.

(Hermione groans.)

(A few hours pass and soon, it's time for dinner.)

HARRY: I guess have a few hours have passed and it's time for dinner.

HERMIONE: Sigh.

*~*~*~*~*~*

Author's Note: Hope you all liked it! Please review…