Unofficial Portkey Archive

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TITLE: Harry Potter and the Green Flame Torch (Even Though JKR Has Confirmed This Will NOT Be the Title of the Sixth Book, It Is Accepted As the Rightful Title)

Chapter Eight---True Beauty Lies In The Imperfections

HARRY: Have you noticed that the last few chapters have started with me waking up?

RON: Yeah. Lame storytelling, if you ask me.

HARRY: Yeah, I guess.

RON: Wow, this is boring.

HARRY: Let's make it more exciting, then! So what did you do all day with Sarah? You didn't come to any of our classes!

RON: (winks devilishly) Let's just say that my entire body is sore.

HARRY: Why am I not the one getting the loving?

RON: 'Cause you picked Mione.

HARRY: Who's that?

RON: Hermione, remember? You decided to give her that nickname.

HARRY: Oh, yeah. Whatever.

RON: Come on, let's go down for breakfast.

HARRY: Okay.

(They go down to breakfast. *Insert yawn here.*)

HARRY: Hey, Hermione! You look really hot today in your off-the-shoulder black shirt that shows off your breasts, long black skirt that shows off your sexy legs and flip-flops!

HERMIONE: ???

HARRY: You know authors. They always want to describe a woman's beauty because if a) they're a guy, they want to describe their ideal clothes for a woman to be wearing, if any at all, or b) the clothes the girl author wishes she could pull off. So now you can.

HERMIONE: I'm flattered.

HARRY: Thank you.

HERMIONE: Um…yeah.

HARRY: So, what's for breakfast?

HERMIONE: Toad-in-the-hole.

HARRY: Very breakfast-like.

HERMIONE: Actually, I don't know if it is. After all, the author's just a dumb American with no idea about British food.

HARRY: (eating and talking) So how about that Democratic National Convention?

HERMIONE: Yes, I thought it was very interesting! You think that's interesting too? That's awesome. I thought Barack Obama's speech was amazing. He's going to be the President of the U.S. one day!

HARRY: I'm Republican.

HERMIONE: Oh.

HARRY: I love Dick Cheney and his Halliburton-ness.

HERMIONE: Uh-huh.

HARRY: By the way, anyone who wants to get a laugh, go to www.jibjab.com and watch a hilarious piece on the election!

HERMIONE: Can we get back to our H/Hr-ness story?

HARRY: Sorry. DUBYA IN '04!

HERMIONE: You're hopeless.

RON: Wow, I'm just biding my time quietly, saying nothing. I'm a really supportive best friend! You would never guess that I can be jealous and insecure!

HARRY: Right.

GINNY: Hey, everyone. I represent the liberated, independent woman.

HARRY, RON, AND OTHERS: Hi.

GINNY: Wanna have some fun, Harry?

HARRY: Not really.

GINNY: What about you Seamus?

SEAMUS: Me mam says that I've gotta talk in some ridiculous Irish brogue. So, nah, me friend.

GINNY: Uh-huh. What about you, Neville?

NEVILLE: Hell, yeah!

(Neville and Ginny disappear to a broom closet where Ginny shows Neville just how liberated she is.)

HARRY: Wow, the N/G shippers must be rejoicing!

HERMIONE: I'm an N/G shipper and I think it's cute…sigh, if only you and I could achieve that, Harry.

HARRY: MATT DAMON IS JASON BOURNE!

HERMIONE: Sigh.

HARRY: Sorry, what?

HERMIONE: Never mind.

(Harry and Hermione begin walking to their first class, because that's what potential couples do)

HARRY: You ever wonder what it would be like to make out with a snake?

HERMIONE: Harry.

HARRY: What?

HERMIONE: Stop it, please.

HARRY: Okay.

HERMIONE: Thank you!

(They go into their first class. History of Magic or something or the other. Nothing important happens because authors sucks at writing classes. They leave.)

HARRY: Where's Ron?

HERMIONE: Last I heard, he was in the Room of Requirement with twenty other girls?

HARRY: Why does Ron get everything?

HERMIONE: Because he's smart enough to know not to go after a smart, bushy-haired, ugly, small-breasted bookworm freak. (Sob…Hermione's insecureness is coming out.)

HARRY: (cups Hermione's face) Hermione…true beauty lies in the imperfections.

HERMIONE: (managing a smile, through her tears) You really mean that?

(Collective "Aw…" as the first part of this parody resembling a good fanfic happens. Awww….)

HARRY: No.

(Collective pause as everyone shoots Harry a million times and then drops the atomic bomb on his head)

HARRY: I mean, yes! Yes! Of course!

(Hermione kisses Harry)

HARRY: Oh, yeah!

HERMIONE: That kind of ruined the romantic moment.

HARRY: Let's go and make sweet, sweet love till dawn!

HERMIONE: Um, we have to go to Potions.

HARRY: Dammit. Why does Snape always manage to ruin everything?

*~*~*~*~*~*

Author's Note: Hope you all liked that chapter! Sorry for the long delay! (The sweet moment was cute, and it would've been nice if it had lasted…but this is a PARODY!) And by the way, yes, I am a guy. And for you, R/Hr fans out there, get a grip. This is an H/Hr website. Go to Sugar Quill, all right?

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