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H/Hr Fics: A Parody by Jack Ryan
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H/Hr Fics: A Parody

Jack Ryan

Disclaimer: You fill this in. You know that I don't know anything :) Remember this is solely for the purpose of being fun! A lot of the concepts I ridicule are concepts included in my own sixth year fic. I HAVE EDITED THIS BACK DOWN TO PG-13…Please leave a review even if you did for my previous R-rated version, because I lost all those reviews and yes, I love reviews…Without further ado, the edited Chapter 3!

TITLE: Harry Potter and the Green Flame Torch (Even Though JKR Has Confirmed This Will NOT Be the Title of the Sixth Book, It Is Accepted As the Rightful Title)

Chapter Three---Return to Hogwarts and the Crowning of King Potter

(Harry is looking for Hermione, who ran away after he kissed her)

HARRY: Hermione, where are you, love? I need to find you. I want to kiss you and then make love to you till you can't breathe anymore!

(Comes upon Hermione in an empty compartment, staring out the window, since it is cheesy and romantic. And all bad authors love cheese---it makes them seem like good authors.)

HARRY: Hermione, why did you run away?

HERMIONE: I can't do this, Harry.

HARRY: Why not, Hermione?

HERMIONE: Because if we get together, then the story's pretty much over since the author's not good at writing sex scenes! Nobody'll be interested anymore. We've got to keep this angstiness going!

HARRY: (sighing in defeat) I guess you're right. You always know best.

HERMIONE: Even in a halter top.

HARRY: So, you want to do the typical make-up scene, where we agree to forget it and pretend it never happened? It makes life easy for the author----nobody wants Harry and Hermione in a fight.

HERMIONE: You're right. (Shakes hand formally with Harry and they hug. Harry peeks down for a few seconds to continue his perverted endeavor into the world of Hermione's body, before releasing her. They walk back to their compartment, where Ron is suddenly magically away. Of course, the vapid American princess may have something to do with it.)

HARRY: I guess Ron's suddenly away. I wonder if the vapid American princess may have something to do with it.

HERMIONE: Jeez, this author sucks! What kind of redundancy is that?

HARRY: (Said in a commanding tone) Shut up, Hermione. I'm looking at your luscious behind.

HERMIONE: Stop, Harry! That's later, all right?

HARRY: Fine.

(Ron returns with Sarah, a big smile on his face.)

HARRY: What were you doing?

RON: (smirking) The gift that keeps on giving.

HERMIONE: You two are gross. You've barely know each other for any time at all!

RON: You don't need to know the other person to have sex.

HERMIONE: That's the most disgusting, pigheaded thing I've ever heard you say! (And that's saying something!)

RON: (shrug) Let me tell you, Harry, this babe is definitely worth it.

SARAH: I know I am. I'm so beautiful and perfect…of course, would you expect any less? For God's sake, I'M AMERICAN! Nothing is as perfect as I am.

RON: Especially in bed. You must have so much experience, Sarah.

SARAH: (giggles) I've been around the block a few times.

RON: (turns to Harry) Damn, she gives it hard.

HARRY: I bet the French do it better.

(Hermione seeing that this conversation is going to gradually delve into heavy debauchery, leaves the room.)

RON: I don't know…

HARRY: Come on, their national symbol is the Eiffel Tower, you know?

RON: So?

HARRY: The Eiffel Tower's basically a thousand-foot you-know-what.

RON AND SARAH: I never thought of it that way.

HARRY: That's because you're not as perverted and smart as Super-Potter.

(Train ride comes to an end; Harry, Ron, and Sarah meet up with Hermione and go into the Great Hall. First years file in…blah blah…the author's too lazy to make up a new Sorting Hat song and skims that part until…

MCGONAGALL: McCants, Sarah!

(Sarah walks in and is obviously Sorted into Gryffindor, where every guy immediately falls in love with her. She is American, you know. She flirts with all of them, and nobody can get enough of her.)

HERMIONE: (sniffles) That girl is so annoying.

HARRY: What are you talking about? She's perfect, beautiful, and smart! Everything you'd expect from someone who came from New York! (Jack Ryan steps in to say, "Yeah, right," before leaving to continue his telling of the story.)

HERMIONE: How do you know she's smart?

HARRY: She's a Mary Sue. She has to be.

HERMIONE: But you still are secretly in love with me, right?

HARRY: Of course, Mione. Otherwise we wouldn't have much of a story.

HERMIONE: I dunno…angstiness and you dating someone else would be a nice twist.

HARRY: (blankly) What are you talking about, Hermione? Surely you don't mean that a fanfic author would actually come up with a new idea? That's unheard of!

HERMIONE: (blushes) Of course, you're right! How could I forget! Originality is so nineteen hundreds!

HARRY: Um, Hermione, we're still in the nineteen hundreds.

HERMIONE: (waves it off) I know, I know. But authors always like to pretend that the story is happening present day---it makes it easier for them to put modern-day references.

HARRY: Like, "You're fired!"

HERMIONE: Where'd that come from?

HARRY: Donald Trump's new show. It's great…(Harry proceeds to talk about "The Apprentice" while the readers silently wish that author wouldn't have to advertise the shows he/she liked. Jack Ryan observes that "The Apprentice" is overrated.)

HERMIONE: (clearing throat) Anyway…

(Random rush of Gryffindors, Slytherins, Ravenclaws, and Hufflepuffs towards Harry.)

RANDOM SLYTHERIN WHOM WE'LL CALL MICHAEL JACKSON: Wow, Harry, you were right about everything last year! I think I'm gonna ignore the fact that I'm Slytherin and become a fan of yours…and you know what that means!

DRACO MALFOY: You disgusting loser! Potter sucks! Nobody in their right mind would want to do Michael Jackson-like things to him.

(Nobody listens, all eager to coronate King Potter.)

RANDOM RAVENCLAW WHO SAYS HER NAME IS BRITNEY SPEARS: Like, oh my gosh…you know that, like, you know, like…you were right all the time…it's really, like, amazing! I can't believe I, you know, like…doubted you last year!

RANDOM HUFFLEPUFF GOING BY THE NAME OF O.J. SIMPSON: I'm telling you…I'm looking for the real killers. I'm innocent.

EVERYONE: Huh?

O.J. SIMPSON: Never mind.

HARRY: I know I'm loved, but I didn't know that all of you wanted to beg for forgiveness!

EVERYONE: Forgive us, Harry! We love you! You're the king of us all! You're so perfect!

HARRY: I know.

(Dumbledore is ignoring this coronation as he watches Snape and McGonagall make out for no apparent reason. The author seems to be trying to inject humor into the situation.)

(Everybody laps at the feet of Harry and after he blesses them, he learns from Ron that the Vatican has just put him up for sainthood. This is no great shock, maybe a slight disappointment, as Harry was expecting them to rewrite the Bible to change all mentions of Jesus Christ to become `Harry Potter.')

HERMIONE: (sniffily, to create angstiness) I'm going to bed!

HARRY: Good night, Hermione! Get a good night's rest----that cute ass of yours should be looking good tomorrow.

(Hermione ignores him.)

EVERYONE: Can we kiss your feet, Harry?

HARRY: Yes, yes. But let me finish dinner first.

(Harry finishes dinner and then lets each kid pass by and kiss his feet reverentially.)

DRACO MALFOY: You're nothing, Potter! Wait until you meet up with the Dark Lord!

HARRY: I thought Ginny said you were a good guy.

DRACO MALFOY: Ginny's stupid, but she's a good screw, so I keep her around.

HARRY: Ah.

(After a while, Harry and Ron walk back to Gryffindor common room, satisfied with the meal and Harry's coronation.)

HARRY: Where's Sarah?

RON: Waiting for me in my bed.

HARRY: Are you gonna do that all night right next to me?

RON: Sure bet.

HARRY: Can I at least watch her hot body? I would love to see what she looks like naked.

RON: Tell you what----how about we go to the Room of Requirement and you can watch.

HARRY: Sounds great! I'll be sure to make sure not to watch you.

RON: (hugs Harry) You're the best.

HARRY: I know.

(Ron gets Sarah from the dormitories and troops off to the Room of Requirement, winking at Harry. Sarah gives him a flirty smile before leaving to screw Ron's brains out.)

HARRY: Well, it certainly has been a fun day. I wonder what tomorrow will bring. Wow, I'm such a deep thinker, aren't I?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Author's Note: Hope you liked it! These will continue to be short, but fun! Leave reviews----just like the imaginary author of the H/Hr fic, I slave for reviews. Thanks for the quick response from everybody! You all are truly the best.

P.S. As for my Green Flame Torch, sorry, but don't expect a chapter out until probably next month. (Cringe) Yes, I know, it's a long time, but I'm in severe writer's block (again) and would probably abandon the story if it weren't for all the reviews I'm getting. All fans of my writing, look out later in the year for my action/adventure/spy/political/romance H/Hr thriller! I'm doing pretty good on it and it should be out by the end of the summer----it's the best thing I've ever written and I hope you all will enjoy it. It's amazing.