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H/Hr Fics: A Parody by Jack Ryan
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H/Hr Fics: A Parody

Jack Ryan

Disclaimer: You fill this in. You know that I don't own anything :) Remember this is solely for the purpose of being fun! A lot of the concepts I ridicule are concepts included in my own sixth year fic. There are going to be several sexual jokes in this chapter.

Author's Note: Yes, I do have a girlfriend and the reason for that interruption is none at all. It wasn't meant to be funny. Just a comment! Read on.

TITLE: Harry Potter and the Green Flame Torch (Even Though JKR Has Confirmed This Will NOT Be the Title of the Sixth Book, It Is Accepted As the Rightful Title)

Chapter Five---She is the One

(It's early morning the next day and Harry has awoken and is taking bath)

HARRY: Wow, you know that in the first five books JKR NEVER made me take a bath, except when I have the egg in Goblet of Fire, or brush my teeth?

MIRROR: Yeah, I'm glad I don't have a nose.

HARRY: New definition of B.O., huh?

MIRROR: Definitely.

(He walks out, cleaning away five years of general grime, though it is slightly less than that, thanks to his one bath. He reaches the Great Hall)

HARRY: All hail the King!

EVERYBODY: HAIL!

HARRY: With great power comes great responsibility.

RON: You said that yesterday.

HARRY: I'm repeating it, because it's important. Never forget that, Pete.

RON: My name is Ron.

HARRY: Sorry, I forgot. You only make random appearances in this story anyway.

RON: It's rather convenient Sarah is there so I can disappear so often.

HARRY: Great author scheme, eh?

RON: What are you, Canadian?

HARRY: CANADIANS SUCK!

RON: Huh?

HARRY: Remember, Ron, this story is being written by an American. Americans think they're better than everyone else.

RON: Oh yeah. FRENCHIES SUCK!

HARRY: No, the French are awesome. Love the food and wine.

RON: And the ladies.

HARRY: (smirk) Can't forget that, can we?

RON: (eyeing Sarah's behind) Nope, we can't.

HARRY: So, is she wearing a thong?

RON: Yup, I can see it. God, I can't wait to get my hands on that.

HARRY: You're so lucky. I wish Hermione was more like that.

HERMIONE: (coming into the Great Hall) More like what?

HARRY: More of the thong-wearing type of girl.

HERMIONE: (whispering seductively) What if I told you I wasn't wearing any underwear at all?

HARRY: Really?

HERMIONE: No.

HARRY: Great, thanks a lot for putting that wishful picture in my mind. Now I'm going to walk funny the rest of the day.

HERMIONE: (giggle)

HARRY: Yawn.

HERMIONE: At least you're not quoting movie lines today.

HARRY: I see dead people.

RON: They're called ghosts.

NEARLY-HEADLESS NICK: Dreadful, dreadful. We're not really dead, but we're not really alive either. So we're not really dead, my friend.

RON: Your body is no longer breathing. You're dead.

NEARLY-HEADLESS NICK: You don't understand, my young Padawan learner. Be aware of the living Force.

RON: Yes, Master.

RANDOM HOTTIE WE'LL CALL EMMA WATSON: What's the Force?

NEARLY-HEADLESS NICK: Damn, you're hot.

EMMA WATSON: I try. (By the way, Emma Watson is really good-look------Sorry there. I was being electroshocked by my girlfriend)

NEARLY-HEADLESS NICK: Anyway, the Force surrounds us and binds us. Over there. In that tree. Rock. God, you have great breasts.

RON: You're not good at quoting movie lines, are you?

NEARLY-HEADLESS NICK: Well, SORRY! I haven't seen Empire Strikes Back in a few years.

HARRY: Princess Leia's hotness in that one is underrated.

RON: Especially when she's in Cloud City.

SARAH: Nothing compared to me, though, right? I'm American, after all.

RON: Um, so is she.

SARAH: NO, SHE'S ALDERAANIAN!

RON: Oh yeah. I guess you're better than. After all, nothing can beat an American.

HARRY: So, Hermione, how are you doing?

HERMIONE: Your first semi-normal line of this pathetic story. I am impressed.

HARRY: I'm sorry, babe.

HERMIONE: (perking up) You mean you're going to be your real self now?

HARRY: What is real? If it's something you can feel and touch, then real is simply electrical signals interpreted by your brain.

HERMIONE: Somehow, I knew that there wasn't going to be a breakthrough.

HARRY: Hey, I'm not the only out of character. You're wearing a tank top, for God's sake! You look great in it, by the way.

HERMIONE: A girl can look good once in a while, right?

HARRY: (eyes on Emma Watson) Mmmm…?

HERMIONE: Oh, forget it! I don't even know why I put up with you in the first place! You're such a loser!

(She storms off)

RON: Nice going there, ace.

HARRY: I can't lose her, Ron! She is the One. There is only one person who can save our city.

RON: You're pathetic.

HARRY: At least I don't have orange hair.

RON: At least I don't have a stupid ugly scar on my forehead.

HARRY: Oh yeah? Your mama's so fat that on her driver's license photo, it says, "Picture continued on the other side."

RON: She is rather porky.

SEAMUS FINNIGAN: YES! MY FIRST APPEARANCE! Anyway, guys, it's time to go to class.

HARRY: What class?

SEAMUS: Care of Magical Creatures.

HARRY: What fun.

(They go to Care of Magical Creatures class where Hermione ignores Harry, providing good angst. Hagrid introduces some lame animal that the author made up and they have fun with it. Yay. Moving on…)

HARRY: God, this is a boring story.

RON: Maybe it's time to up the story's rating to R. Get a few readers.

HARRY: But the author's not good with sex scenes. Too bad.

RON: Sarah is rather adept at them.

HARRY: (Rolls eyes)

(They go back inside for lunch)

HARRY: Hey, Hermione, can you pass the bread?

(Hermione passes the bread silently)

HARRY: Come on, Hermione, don't be like that.

HERMIONE: Why not?

HARRY: You know that you love me. You know us----we're like Cain and Abel! You can't separate us.

RON: (sarcastically) Great comparison.

HARRY: I DON'T BELIEVE WHAT I JUST SAW!

RON AND HERMIONE: What?

HARRY: Kirk Gibson just hit a homer to win the 1988 World Series.

RON: You're one twisted guy you know.

HARRY: So, Hermione, will you forgive me? I promise to be nice to you.

HERMIONE: (throwing hands up in the air) Fine! Who am I to argue with the great King Potter?

HARRY: That's right.

HERMIONE: Sigh.

RON: I think it's time for one of my disappearing acts with Sarah.

HARRY: Fine. Go have fun.

(Ron goes to have some real fun)

HARRY: Great, now, I'm just stuck here with you, Granger.

HERMIONE: Hey, this is an H/Hr fic!

HARRY: I know. A little angst never hurts anybody.

HERMIONE: I guess you're right. But didn't we have enough angst this chapter with me not speaking to you?

HARRY: I guess so. Wanna kiss?

HERMIONE: You're so un-romantic.

HARRY: Just kiss me.

HERMIONE: In your dreams.

(She walks away)

HARRY: (smiling) Don't worry, Hermione…in my dreams, you do much, much more than kiss me…

*~*~*~*~*~*~*

AUTHOR'S NOTE: Hope you all liked this chapter…please review. I live for them!