Unofficial Portkey Archive

H/Hr Fics: A Parody by Jack Ryan
EPUB MOBI HTML Text

H/Hr Fics: A Parody

Jack Ryan

DISCLAIMER: You know this is JKR's stuff, not mine.

Author's Note: Thanks for all your support guys and I hope you stick with this ship till the end. Keep reviewing! And there will be a couple swear words in this chapter but this is PG-13 so don't complain, okay?!

TITLE: HARRY POTTER and the HALF-BLOOD PRINCE (Even though there will probably be no Half-Blood Prince stuff in this book at all anyway)

CHAPTER ELEVEN: The Inevitable Fight

HARRY: Wow, yesterday was so wonderful…kissing Hermione was just amazing.

RON: You sound like a guy in a chick flick.

HARRY: Well…she completes me.

RON: What?

HARRY: Well, as long as we're going to write hormonal, poorly written romance junk, I might as well say stuff that no guy would EVER say in their right mind unless he's trying to get laid. (Yes, ladies, I'm sorry to say that no guy will ever tell you "You complete me" unless he's trying to get you into bed. He may think it---hell, a lot of us will, but we will never say it without an ulterior motive. It's an unfortunate blemish on the male gender, but I hope you don't take it too seriously. )

RON: Hey, it works, doesn't it?

HARRY: Does it ever!

RON: Anyway, c'mon let's go eat some breakfast. How come we never eat dinner? We're always eating breakfast in this fic.

HARRY: That's cause the author's too lazy to start the chapter with anything besides morning. It's easy.

RON: Dang, he's lazy.

HARRY: Well, pretty much all the angles for H/Hr stories have been taken and he's just doing this to gratify his inner need to be loved by logging and reading those oh-so-gratifying reviews so he doesn't really need to try very hard to write. After all, if you just make Harry and Hermione snog that's good enough for most people!

(Author's Note: Damn straight!)

RON: Why are you talking about yourself in the third person?

HARRY: Well Harry's just being Harry. You know Harry is going to save the world so Harry can talk in the third person all he wants. Right now Harry wants Hermione.

RON: You're insane…no wonder half the wizarding world thinks you're off your rocker.

HARRY: Not anymore, thanks to the Department of Mysteries which will scarcely be mentioned in HBP!

RON: You know what's interesting? In most sixth years that you and I have been through, in all those fics, Sirius only comes up as a way for you to get in cozy with Hermione. You never really grieve over him.

HARRY: Harry knows, it's sad. You'd think authors would be more creative than simply devoting a couple lines saying "Yes, he got over Sirius, now let's move onto Harry snogging some girl."

RON: Well, yeah, an author who would do that and get it published would be delusional to think that people would believe that stuff!

(I don't hate JKR, just as a side note. I just wish she had given more continuity from Book 5 to Book 6.)

HARRY: Well, whatever, Harry wants to go downstairs and snog his beautiful girlfriend.

(They go downstairs and Harry sees Hermione chatting happily with Dean and tossing her hair. Harry balls his fists. He knows it's time for the inevitable fight that will only serve to bring them closer together---and perhaps into a bed together.)

HARRY: (storms up to Hermione) What are you doing?

HERMIONE: Oh, hey Harry, just talking to Dean. He's really funny, you know!

HARRY: (turns to Dean) Stay away from Harry's girlfriend, asshole.

HERMIONE: HARRY! Don't talk like that!

DEAN: Why the hell are you talking in third person?

HARRY: Harry is very upset and is going to punch your lights out if you don't get a move on. And don't forget Harry is the King of this school and everyone worships him. So they will beat you up along with him.

(Dean realizes this fact and edges slowly out of the Great Hall).

HERMIONE: Harry! I was just talking to him…it wasn't a big deal!

HARRY: Sure, sure, that's what they all say.

HERMIONE: (puts her hands on her hips) What do you mean, `that's what they all say'? I am not every woman, Harry James Potter! I am a strong, smart, independent, beautiful young woman whom you are damn lucky to have as a friend, let alone as a snog partner! And I love you, dammit, so don't go giving me these false accusations! (Three cheers for the return of the pre-HBP Hermione!)

HARRY: Well…uh…Harry has to fight you, Hermione. It's how they get closer. And he has to be wrong `cause the guy's ALWAYS wrong in these situations, irregardless of if the author is a girl or a guy. So, sorry...

HERMIONE: …What?

HARRY: (reverting to his fighting form) Now stop fooling around with Dean, you little harlot!

(Gasps from everyone)

HERMIONE: How…how dare you! (She slaps Harry and runs off)

RON: Well, you really did it there mate.

HARRY: (smiles) Harry is not the least bit worried. This is a H/Hr fic and this fight is necessary for the extension of our relationship before the author is forced to come up with an actual plot dealing with Voldemort and his godforsaken mountain of pizza.

RON: What the hell are you talking about?

HARRY: Voldemort's secret plan. Harry is very intuitive.

RON: Oh. And will you stop fucking talking in third person?

HARRY: Harry doesn't feel like it.


-->