Unofficial Portkey Archive

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TITLE: Harry Potter and the Green Flame Torch (Even Though JKR Has Confirmed This Will NOT Be the Title of the Sixth Book, It Is Accepted As the Rightful Title)

Chapter Seven---You're Either In Or You're Out

HARRY: I can't believe Hermione won the American Idol contest yesterday. That was amazing.

RON: Mmmm…

HARRY: I wonder if Hermione's reverted back to her "beautiful" form yet, you know, when she's dressed like a quote, unquote "normal teenager."

RON: Why did you say "quote, unquote" when you just had the quotes afterward?

HARRY: Why did you use quotes when you said "quote, unquote."

RON: You just did it too! I used it because I was saying what you said. And then you said because you were saying what I said what you said.

HARRY: Okay. Let's go to breakfast.

RON: Right-o. But I think it's time for me to disappear. After all, this IS a H/Hr fic. You can't have too much of me.

HARRY: You're absolutely right. Get out of here.

RON: See ya later, Harry. Have fun!

(Ron goes off somewhere, presumably to do something. You know…Before the breakfast scene, the author decides to put something about Voldemort into the story; it'll interest the people who have fallen asleep already)

VOLDEMORT: Remember what I said about the mountain of pizza?

WORMTAIL: Yes.

VOLDEMORT: Forget that plan. It is now time to move to Plan B.

WORMTAIL: Plan B? What's that?

VOLDEMORT: Idiot! You're supposed to already know! That way the readers will think I've got something planned!

WORMTAIL: Mea culpa.

VOLDEMORT: Sigh.

WORMTAIL: I'll get on it.

VOLDEMORT: You better. Or you're out.

WORMTAIL: Yes, Master.

(Return to Harry/Hermione scene in the Great Hall where Hermione has gone back to her "beautiful" form, just as Harry had hoped. She is wearing tight hot pink jeans, a tight black shirt and her hair is straight and in a ponytail.)

HARRY: Wow. Winning that American Idol must have gone to your head…and other body parts.

HERMIONE: Oh, shut up. I'm only doing this so you notice me over Cho and the other pretty girls.

HARRY: ???

HERMIONE: Oh come on, you know the author is an insecure little girl who wants to believe that simply wearing popular clothing will make the boy of their dreams like them. If I do it in the story, and you like me, it'll make them feel better about their own chances in real life, or as they say on the Internet, RL.

HARRY: I never got the deal with those Internet phrases. I mean…lol? What's that short for? Lollipop?

HERMIONE: I love lollipops.

HARRY: I've got one right here for you, baby…

HERMIONE: Ugh! I mean…oh yeah, Harry. I forgot. I am now an independent feminine woman. I shall now proceed to have sex with every guy I know.

HARRY: ???

HERMIONE: Oh come on…you know the stereotype that all independent woman have sex with every guy they know. Once again, the ugly, unpopular girl who spends all her time writing stories for Portkey in the hope of getting someone review it so they feel special, who happens to be the author of this story, wants to believe that if she's an "independent" woman, all guys will want to have sex with her.

HARRY: You know…I hate all your complaining.

HERMIONE: Ooh…angst!

HARRY: Yawn.

HERMIONE: You know, you make things so difficult sometimes.

HARRY: (tips hat) Thank you.

HERMIONE: Sigh.

RANDOM BABE WHO CALLS HERSELF MARIA SHARAPOVA: Hiya, Harry! I'm here to provide needless angst for Hermione, so she can feel sorry for herself and think that you like me!

HARRY: I thought that's what Sarah was here for.

RANDOM BABE WHO CALLS HERSELF MARIA SHARAPOVA: Nope, actually, she was here to be Ron's perfect AMERICAN girlfriend. That way, he won't complain about you going with Hermione.

HARRY: Ahhh…

RANDOM BABE WHO CALLS HERSELF MARIA SHARAPOVA: Although, I'd rather be going out with that Gryffindor called Andy Roddick. He and I play tennis together. But, unfortunately, I'm going to have to provide angst for you.

HARRY: How about I pay you ten bucks for you to go do what you want to do with Andy and leave me alone…sparing readers the pain of reading some painfully forced angst?

RANDOM BABE WHO CALLS HERSELF MARIA SHARAPOVA: All right! …ANDY! Where are you Andy?

(Short interruption that's not supposed to be too funny, although you might think it is: Jack would like to say congrats to Maria Sharapova, a great tennis player, who won Wimbledon a few days ago! She deserved it more than any other player. Which is why she has made an appearance here. And yes, I am hoping that she and Andy Roddick get together. And yes, I hope for two celebrities I don't even know to hook up not because I want a laugh, but because I think they'd be a good couple. And yes, I'm pathetic.)

HARRY: Anyway, Hermione…I really like those pink pants. Where'd you get them?

HERMIONE: Hooters.

HARRY: ???

HERMIONE: A waitress there gave it to me.

HARRY: Why were you at Hooters?

HERMIONE: I waitressed there in the beginning of the summer.

HARRY: Damn! How did I not go to Hooters?!

HERMIONE: (leaning over so that her breasts are pressing in his face) Yeah, you really missed out.

HARRY: (can't breathe)

HERMIONE: (leans back, satisfied that her OOC-ness has gone out of control) Come on, let's go to our first class.

HARRY: Okay…

***

(Harry has fallen asleep at the end of the day, dreaming about Hermione in a Hooters outfit…suddenly, he realizes that he's in a bar with Voldemort sitting across from him.)

HARRY: Who are you?

VOLDEMORT: I'm a friend of James Potter's. You're either in or you're out. Right now.

HARRY: What is it?

VOLDEMORT: Plane ticket to Las Vegas. It's a job offer.

HARRY: You're pretty trusting.

VOLDEMORT: James always speaks so highly of you.

HARRY: Fathers are like that.

(Voldemort looks at him surprised)

HARRY: He doesn't want me trading in on his name.

VOLDEMORT: You do this job properly, kid, he'll be trading on yours.

HARRY: Las Vegas, huh?

VOLDEMORT: America's playground.

(The bar disappeared and Harry was back in Hooters, with Hermione serving him hot wings)

HERMIONE: You're either in or you're out, right now.

HARRY: Why does everyone keep telling me this?! What is it anyway?

HERMIONE: Plane ticket to my bedroom. It's a job offer.

HARRY: You're pretty sexy.

HERMIONE: Cho always speaks so highly of you.

HARRY: Ex-girlfriends are like that.

HERMIONE: Actually, they're not. Anyway, are you in or are you out?

HARRY: I'm in.

(Two hours later, Harry wakes up, his pants drenched.)

HARRY: Goddamn job offers.

*~*~*~*~*~*

Author's Note: Hope you all liked it! The conversation between Harry and Voldemort is pretty much the exact same as Danny and Linus' in Ocean's Eleven. I just changed names. Please review!

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