Disclaimer: You fill this in. You know that I don't own anything :) Remember this is solely for the purpose of being fun! A lot of the concepts I ridicule are concepts included in my own sixth year fic.
TITLE: Harry Potter and the Green Flame Torch (Even Though JKR Has Confirmed This Will NOT Be the Title of the Sixth Book, It Is Accepted As the Rightful Title)
Chapter Six---American Idol Invades Hogwarts
HARRY: God, life sucks.
RON: Huh?
HARRY: I mean I'm rich, powerful, loved, play Quidditch, have women…I mean, how can anyone enjoy a life like that?
RON: You're one crazy guy, you know that?
HARRY: See? My own best friend thinks I'm crazy.
RON: Seriously, Harry, why do you think your life sucks?
HARRY: Because Hermione's not my girlfriend.
(Collective "Aww….")
RON: Awww….
HARRY: (eagerly) Did you actually believe me?
RON: (confused) Huh?
HARRY: I was trying to see if I could use that on Hermione.
RON: Harry…get a life.
HARRY: AND NOW…THE STARTING LINEUPS FOR YOUR…CHICAGO BULLS! (Okay, that wasn't supposed to be funny…I'm just watching an old tape of the 1996 NBA Finals)
RON: Well…let's go down for breakfast.
HARRY: AT GUARD, FROM NORTH CAROLINA, SIX-SIX…MICHAEL JORDAN!
RON: You skipped the entire Sonics starting lineup and the Bulls one too, other than Jordan. He goes last remember?
HARRY: Those other guys don't matter…
(They go down for breakfast. Harry sees Hermione in…*gasp*…her Hogwarts robes! She's not a slut!)
HARRY: Why are you in your Hogwarts robes, baby?
HERMIONE: The author of this story (not me; the imaginary author of a typical H/Hr fic) was berated in a scathing review by an observant reader that I would never be so OOC.
HARRY: Oh well…I loved you in those costumes…though, those Hogwarts skirts aren't so bad.
HERMIONE: Sigh.
RON: Let's have some fish and chips for breakfast!
HERMIONE: I think your American girlfriend is starting to rub off on you…
RON: In more ways than one.
HERMIONE: That's disgusting, you pervert!
RON: Hey, don't get mad at me! Steve Kloves is the one who gives me all the one-liners and doesn't develop my character at all! Blame Steve Kloves!
HERMIONE: You're right…He should be fired. He has no concept of the Harry Potter series. God, in the movies, I have NO FLAWS…I wish that were true, but it's not!
HARRY: Um, guys?
RON AND HERMIONE: What?
HARRY: I don't think it's the proper time for the author to rant about something that has nothing to do with the story.
RON AND HERMIONE: Oh yeah.
HARRY: Thank you. And just so you know…Stacy's mom has got it going on.
RANDOM GRYFFINDOR WE'LL CALL STACY JONES: Thank you! My mom would love to know that you're totally crushing on her!
HARRY: Um, okay.
(Dumbledore stands up…)
DUMBLEDORE: For all of today, Hogwarts will be host to the producers and judges of American Idol. Tonight, there will be a competition. If you wish to enter, put your name on a slip of paper and enter it into the Goblet of Fire. Twelve names will be pulled out. Thank you.
HARRY: I'm so going for that!
RON: Me too!
RON'S ANNOYING AMERICAN PRINCESS GIRLFRIEND, SARAH: Like, totally! I mean, I'm like American…how can an American lose in a show called like…American Idol? Like, totally!
HERMIONE: (Scathingly, seeing the admiring looks Harry's giving Sarah) I'm going to try out for it and I'll beat you!
SARAH: Like, no way.
HERMIONE: Like, shut up.
SARAH: Like…like…(her brain becomes clogged up as she tries to think of a word other than 'like.' Hermione smiles triumphantly. Harry goes and puts all four of their names in the Goblet of Fire.)
HARRY: If you make it, what are you going to sing, Sarah?
SARAH: One-Night Stand by Enrique Iglesias.
RON: I know the feeling.
HARRY: Um, you know that song talks about a girl called Jenny getting up in your room after a one-night stand?
SARAH: Like, that's so happened to me.
HERMIONE: Too much information! We need to keep this PG-13, guys!
HARRY: If I make it, I'm singing Can You Feel The Love Tonight.
HERMIONE: Awww….
(Hermione gives him a peck on the cheek. Harry grins triumphantly)
HARRY: And it's all for you…
HERMIONE: Awww…
(FINALLY! SOME H/HR!)
RON: Oh shut up. I'm gonna sing I'm A Little Teapot.
HERMIONE: I'm sure Simon will love that. I'm going to sing Spin by Lifehouse.
HARRY: That's a great song!
HERMIONE: You know that Natalie made a really good fan-movie about you and me with that music playing in the background! You just have to go to www.treebythelake.org to download it! (Yes, that was a plug for Natalie's awesome fanflicks. If you consider yourself an H/Hr shipper you must see them. Otherwise you're not. I especially recommend "Spin" and "Everything.")
HARRY: I'm glad that Jack Ryan got that off his shoulders. He really loves those movies.
JACK RYAN: I'm sorry. THE PASS BY DENNIS RODMAN, WHO'S DOING EVERYTHING HERE IN THE THIRD…Sorry, still watching that Finals game!
HARRY: Right.
(The rest of the day passes by…yawn. Time for what everyone's waiting for---The American Idol showdown! Lame American Idol music plays.)
DUMBLEDORE: Our esteemed judges are Simon Cowell, Randy Jackson, and Paula Abdul. The host is, as always, the very metrosexual and possibly homosexual Ryan Seacrest (sorry, couldn't resist the cheap shot).
SIMON, RANDY, AND PAULA: Hi, everyone.
RYAN: He's unstoppable! He's been through four groupies…he is ALBUS DUMBLEDORE!
DUMBLEDORE: That's your introduction for William Hung.
RYAN: Oh yeah, sorry…by the way, Dumbledore, you're looking FINE tonight!
DUMBLEDORE: Um, thanks.
RANDY: Dude, let's get this party started!
DUMBLEDORE: All right…Remember, everyone, the winner will be determined by the judges who will kick off everyone they don't like. This will not be a fan vote so you don't have to dial some lame number and have the phone line blocked…God, if those damn lines weren't blocked up, I could've voted for Diana! She was so hot!
SNAPE: Um, she's sixteen.
DUMBLEDORE: The younger the better.
SNAPE: Are you a Catholic priest? (If you're Catholic, don't get mad at me. I'm Catholic too…and I love Catholics! It's still a good joke, though. J)
DUMBLEDORE: No, actually, I'm not. Ryan, if you'll do the honors…
RYAN: The twelve contestants for tonight's American Idol contest are: DRACO MALFOY! BRITNEY SPEARS! MICHAEL JACKSON! LUNA LOVEGOOD! SEAMUS FINNIGAN! BLAISE ZABINI! GINNY WEASLEY! CHO CHANG! SARAH MCCANTS! RON WEASLEY! HARRY POTTER! AND………..HERMIONE GRANGER!
(The contestants stand up and walk up to the newly created platform in the middle of the room where they will sing.)
RYAN: All right, first to go…DRACO MALFOY!
MALFOY: I'm so popular. God, I love preening myself in front of the mirror. I love myself.
SIMON: Aren't you going to sing a song?
MALFOY: Oh yeah.
(Malfoy does an awful off-key version of "Stacy's Mom".)
STACY JONES: Geez, my mom's popular, isn't she?
RANDY: Dude, that was all right. After all, I'm Randy Jackson. I say that everything's all right.
PAULA: That was great! I love the way you sing! I'm an eternal optimist!
(Boos as Simon's turn comes up)
SIMON: (in his British accent) That was horrible. That was the worst singing performance I have ever heard. You suck.
MALFOY: (horrible off-key singy voice) I willllll suuuuuuuuuurrrrrrrrvvvvvvvvviiiiiiiiivvvvvvvvvvvvvveeeeeeeeee!
SIMON: God, I hope not.
RYAN: Now…BRITNEY SPEARS.
(The song Britney has chosen 'Oops…I did it again' has come on without the words. Britney's lips move but no words come out)
SIMON: (impatiently) Aren't you going to sing?
BRITNEY: Why haven't the words come on? Everyone knows I can't sing! I just lip-synch! What happened?
RANDY: We turn off the words so you have to sing it yourself.
BRITNEY: I don't know the words!
(She gets booed off the stage)
RYAN: Ladies and gentlemen…the King of Pop, though he's still in school for some reason…oh yeah, THAT REASON! Anyway…MICHAEL JACKSON!
MICHAEL JACKSON: God, I'm a freak. What happened to me?
("Billie Jean" comes on and Jackson does a decent job with it.)
RANDY: Good job, Michael. I'll always have an eye out for my black brothers.
MICHAEL JACKSON: I'm not black anymore.
RANDY: You're black at heart.
MICHAEL: Okay.
PAULA: Great job, Michael! I love the way you move!
SIMON: It was okay, Michael. Not as good as your work in the eighties…
MICHAEL: These legs ain't got no more hop anymore.
DUMBLEDORE: (pretending to say in an undertone but loud enough for everyone to hear) I know some little boys who would disagree with that.
RYAN: (trying to hurry up to the next singer before Jackson goes berserk on Dumbledore)
(Luna and Seamus go…nobody cares. They do okay jobs, but worse than Jackson. Now, it's time for BLAISE ZABINI!)
RYAN: Put your hands together for…BLAISE ZABINI!
BLAISE: Thank you, thank you very much. I am a constant fixture in H/Hr fics for some reason that no one really knows. I am very versatile-----I can be a friendly, helpful girl who is a friend of Hermione (The Art of Seduction)…I can be a former girlfriend of Harry (All That She Wants)…I can be a girlfriend to Draco (Friendship Lost, Love Gained)…and I can also be a nasty Slytherin boy (Alternate Adventure: Goblet of Fire----Author's Note: This is the greatest H/Hr fic of all time!). Man, am I multitalented or what?
RYAN: Um, are you going to be a girl or boy tonight?
BLAISE: Boy to give my props to the great slytherin-nette, author of Alternate Adventure: Goblet of Fire.
PAULA: Well, what are you singing?
(Blaise sings Lose Yourself. He does a decent job, but nobody understands him, since nobody can understand the lyrics of rap anyway.)
RANDY: Very down wid it, my homey.
PAULA: Great job, Blaise! Boy or girl, you're amazing!
SIMON: You're a good rapper…but I hate rap. It has horrible lyrics. Sorry, Blaise…you can't win.
BLAISE: Oh well.
(Ginny sings some song. Nobody cares. The author is getting tired of writing. Cho goes up and does some Hilary Duff song. Everyone boos because they hate Hilary Duff…)
RYAN: And now…the girl you've been waiting for…THE AMAZING AMERICAN WHO CAN DO NO WRONG JUST LIKE ALL AMERICANS-----SARAH MCCANTS!
(Sarah begins gyrating on the stage immediately and drool cups are immediately provided for Simon and Randy. She then sings One Night Stand doing a good job with it. Everyone cheers)
RANDY: Wow…just looking at you makes me feel a little randy!
(Audience: Forced laughter.)
PAULA: Wow, you were great, Sarah! Keep up the good work and you could be the next Christina Aguilera!
SIMON: I admit it…I was impressed. You did a great job, Sarah. Fantastic dancing and singing. .
HERMIONE (who's watching with Harry, waiting their turn): Oh God, how am I going to compete with that?
HARRY: You will do well, Hermione.
HERMIONE: (sighing at his romantic side) Thanks, Harry.
HARRY: I have foreseen it. The Force is with you tonight.
HERMIONE: On second thought…that's not as romantic as I thought it was.
RYAN: From SPAIN….we have the exotic…RONALDO WEASLEY!
HARRY AND HERMIONE: Huh?
(Ron comes out dressed in a matador costume to catcalls and whoops.)
RON: I'm a little teapot…short and stout…
(The audience doesn't know whether to laugh or cheer. Ron finishes and takes a great bow.)
RANDY: I don't know what to say at all, dude.
PAULA: Neither do I.
SIMON: I am speechless…not because of your skill, but because of your idiocy. Go home, kid.
(Ron walks away, his head hanging)
RYAN: And now…the one, the only…HARRY J. POTTER!
HARRY: Sup everyone! Well, I'm going to sing Can You Feel The Love Tonight…and this dedicated to the girl I love…Emma------wait, sorry----Hermione Granger!
(Harry sings the song decently, but not as good as Sarah McCants)
RANDY: You did good, man. Very proud of you.
PAULA: God, I want to get into your pants.
SIMON: So does Ryan if I'm reading his expression right.
RYAN: Of course you are----wait, never mind! Well, it's our final contest and it's none other than Harry's lover, Hermione Granger!
(Hermione walks out, looking pretty good. She began to sing…)
HERMIONE: I'd rather chase your shadow all my life
than be afraid of my own
I'd rather be with you
I'd rather not know
where I'll be than be alone and convinced that I know
and the world keeps spinning round
my world's upside down and I wouldn't change a thing…
I've got nothing else to lose
I lost it all when I found you and I wouldn't change thing…
no you and I wouldn't change a thing…
Spin I know has let me down
so I will just let go
let you turn me inside out
cause I know I'm not sure
about anything but you wouldn't have it any other way
and the world keeps spinning round
my world's upside down and I wouldn't change a thing…
I've got nothing else to lose
I lost it all when I found you and I wouldn't change thing…
no you and I wouldn't change a thing…
spinning, turning, watching, burning
all my life has found its meaning
walking, crawling, climbing, falling
all my life has found its meaning
you and I wouldn't change a thing…
no you and I wouldn't change a thing…
and the world keeps spinning round
my world's upside down and I wouldn't change a thing…
I've got nothing else to lose
I lost it all when I found you and I wouldn't change thing…
no you and I wouldn't change a thing…
no you and I wouldn't change a thing…
(The audience is on their feet standing and cheering)
RANDY: That was phenomenal. Great job…
PAULA: Loved it, Hermione!
SIMON: Great voice, but you need to work on your clothing. It is far too conservative.
(Hermione hangs her head.)
RYAN: All right…now it's the moment of truth… don't go away!
(Nobody can go away as the doors are locked. Three minutes later…)
RYAN: All right…Randy, who did you vote for?
RANDY: I voted for Sarah McCants. She had the most style and a good voice, too. Sorry, Hermione.
RYAN: Paula?
PAULA: I had to go with Hermione Granger. She was phenomenal. She picked a great song too.
RYAN: It looks like it will be decided between Sarah McCants and Hermione Granger, easily the two best singers here! Simon? The deciding vote is yours.
SIMON: Sarah easily had the most style and beauty. (Hermione's face sinks. Sarah was going to best her…) But…the best voice was Hermione Granger's! I had to vote for her…congratulations, Hermione!
(Loud applause)
RYAN: Hermione Granger, you are the American Idol! How does it feel?
HERMIONE: Actually, I'm not American…so I wouldn't know.
*~*~*~*~*~*
Author's Note: Yes, this chapter didn't have anything really to do with H/Hr fics (and was semi-normal, actually), and I'm sorry if it wasn't as funny. *Hangs head…I'll go back to parodying H/Hr fics next chapter. Sorry.